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2021-08-19 01:14:22Wrapped in a fluffy robe after a hot shower, I stare at my clean face in the bathroom mirror; it’s tear-stained and pale. I downed some pain killers before I got in here, in a bid to combat the beginning of a hangover and feel completely wiped out. I don’t even know if he is still in my room, or if he has gone to see Natasha, and I am not sure how I feel either way. I’m crazily disconnected inside, that none of this is real and no closer to a decision at all.
I still love him; I can’t deny that. Last night was incredibly stupid and most likely alcohol-fueled. The during was not exactly how I thought it would be, but then, part of me knows it’s because I no longer trust him like I once did. He hurt me in ways that really screwed my head up and last night proved I no longer felt secure to let him have access to every part of me.
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Arrick reappears after fifteen long minutes from his parents’ house while I wait outside after texting Jenny and Christian, telling them to meet us here. Perched against the wall and picking petals from a daisy in my hand. Both responded and are apparently on their way to find me after having to quickly explain why I’m even with him without too many details.“You were an age.” I glance his way as he slides his hand in mine and pulls me close to kiss me softly on the cheek. I’m more aware that he’s being cautious about throwing kisses on me, although he seems sure his handholding won’t be rejected now; sensing that he shouldn’t yet kiss me on the mouth whenever he feels like it. Even though I’m here with him there is an unspoken uneasiness, we’re not okay yet and I know it too. It will take time; I don’t even know if I want th
Last Updated : 2021-08-19The Carrero Heart (series book 2) 109
Christian shows up first, followed by a timid looking Jenny who seems to appear rather closely to Nate. Gathering together in the street outside Arrick’s house. I notice Nate is being rather attentive to my girl and tries to take her hand as he catches up with her; she looks away, pulling away from him and slides an arm through mine in a coy move without catching his eye. I frown her way suspiciously and file it away to interrogate her as soon as I get her alone with Christian.I’m now standing away from Arrick, as soon as I saw them appearing I made him let go of me and moved to two feet apart, needing a space to see my friends and let them know what has happened. My texts outlined the briefest explanation only and I am so not ready to be identified as Arry’s new love interest just yet. I feel like they may judge me on my readiness to jump into a relationship when last night, I swore to never let him near me again.“Well hey, hey.” Christ
Last Updated : 2021-08-19The Carrero Heart (series book 2) 110
The walk back is odd, we’re walking apart, my arms across my body as I feel like being by myself right now and not having the contact. I’m tired and emotional and edgy. He’s trying to make idle chit chat, intent on keeping us talking about any topic he comes up with and I am responding, but I am fully aware of his constant fixed gaze on my profile as we walk and it’s starting to make me nervy. I can’t relax with the way he seems honed into my every movement and mannerism.“You can stop staring at me for like maybe five minutes.” I point out and smile when his eyebrows dip in that cute way he has. He looks away for a minute and then back again.“You noticed, huh?” He acts coyly and shrugs my way. Not him at all, he’s always been super confident in every way and this seems weird.
Last Updated : 2021-08-19The Carrero Heart (series book 2) 111
I inhale deeply, savoring the memory as I wander into the middle of Arrick’s apartment from the elevator, while he follows with our bags and dumps them by the end of the couch as I take in the open-plan space with joy. I haven’t been here in months and its sheer familiarity is making me feel calm, like coming home. Instantly still inside, like breathing warm soothing air after being out in the cold and I inhale slowly, the atmosphere washing over me. Welling up at how much I missed this place too. It smells like home-cooked food, men’s aftershave, leather, books, and something familiar and clean. It’s a weird combination but it’s how it always smells, bringing back so many mixed emotions.Arrick’s apartment has always been a place I love to be, as it’s so very him; modern mixed with traditional. Open plan and industrial, yet with old battered armcha
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He moves around the counter to me, obviously choosing to be closer, finding me with his arms and pulling me against him so I have to put my mug down too. Pulling me in to face him and giving me no option but to obey as he slides my body against his faultlessly, perfectly molded as though we really did break from the same mold once.“Nope … this feels right to me, righter than anything I have ever known.” He stoops a little, buries that cute boy face in my neck and breathes me in before planting a kiss on my throat. I giggle unexpectedly when he hoists me up by the butt and legs onto the counter and slides me back to sit on it, nestling himself in between my thighs so we are nose to nose, intimately joined and I am his prisoner. This close to his face and that disarming smile feels a lot better than being across a kitchen, and the familiar tingling of my insides goes into ov
Last Updated : 2021-08-19The Carrero Heart (series book 2) 113
Arrick moves out of reach and wanders to the fridge, opening it to rummage the contents and pulls out some labelled tubs. His housekeeper is paid to keep it stocked and easy for him when he wants to eat; his strict diet when in training means he eats a lot of healthy foods and high protein, but he is rummaging for something else. It’s early morning, he woke me up with his alarm and now he’s showered and ready to go to the gym at stupid o’clock even though I am half asleep and struggling to get ready for school.Who even does that on purpose?We were up so late, watching movies, fooling around and even had a little steamy make-out session that could have gone a lot further if he wasn’t such a gentleman. I am suffering now though as I watch him, still in my clothes from last night, finding some breakfast bef
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I yawn as I wander from the elevator into Arrick’s apartment, covering my mouth and dropping my oversized school bag on the floor by his coat rack in the entrance come dumping ground, for shoes. His jacket and sneakers are already there, and I can hear the soft strumming of a guitar as I wander around the little wall that conceals the elevator from his lounge area.He is sat on the couch strumming his acoustic guitar, oblivious to my arrival and I stop and watch him for a moment with a huge smile splaying across my face. It’s been eons since he played his guitar and I reminisce warmly over how many times he has played to me. A little shiver of joy that the boy I loved is making a slow comeback. He looks amazingly sexy with it on his lap, strumming it while concentrating so hard on what he’s doing. He looks so at peace and not a single expression on that calm beautiful face.It has been over three weeks of dating him and we are getting into a routine s
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I roll over in bed, aware he has followed me after twenty minutes in the dark, my tray dumped and lights and TV off, due to my low mood. Not wanting to eat or watch any shitty romances anymore. The bed dips as Arrick’s body slides in beside me; we have gotten into a routine of sharing a bed, with me staying here or him staying with me almost every night and cuddling up. This is the first time I have been in bed before he has come in, since the first few days. He slides his arms around my still body, oblivious to the fact I am awake and buries his face in my hair behind me. I stay still, heart still bruised and even though the tears have dried externally, I am still crying inside. So much anger and sadness mixed up together.“Sophie?” He whispers softly, voice hoarse and tender with no hint of anger anymore, wrapping himse
Last Updated : 2021-08-19
Latest chapter
The Carrero Heart (series book 2) 222
I deserve it, I know I do, probably worse, it’s not even that painful but as I stare at her again, I can’t hide how much it actually wounded my heart. Sophie has lashed out at me before, sure, in crazy ways, frenzy fueled attacks when lost in her pain or triggered with her PTSD, but she’s never slapped me in the face for anything. This was a direct ‘how fucking dare you’ kind of assault that speaks volumes to the depths of the carnage I’ve caused on her soul.“You lost me. You don’t get to do that anymore.” She wails at me, pulling my hands and arms from her body and shoves me back with as much force as she can muster. Prickly, seething, hating me with utter crushing heartbreak. She’s breathing as heavily as I am although her pain and hysteria seem to be calming mine and I know I need to stay patient and cool if I’m going to bring her down from fierce.I know how to deal with her at her worst, I can hand
The Carrero Heart (series book 2) 221
Arrick’s POV~ Leila’s party ~Leila’s party is losing its sparkle for me. Too drunk, too miserable at having to see Sophs swanning around with golden boy Christian all night and I am done with being here. I’ve said my goodbyes to my brother and I’m leaving before I do something stupid I’m going to totally regret concerning ‘boyfriend’ and drag Sophs into a dark corner to kiss the shit out of her if I stay here. Seeing her looking this beautiful, this happy with someone else is killing me.I spy Sophs, Leila, and Daniel huddled together at the front door as I head that way, a little too late due to not watching where I was going and swerve at the last second before she spots me. My heart lurching at running into her again when I’m already a complete emotional wreck. Hating that even still, my initial reaction to seeing her is a swift kick in the gut. Almost keeling sideways because I am way too
The Carrero Heart (series book 2) 220
Arrick’s POV~ Seeing Sophie again. (Restaurant) ~I push the money in the driver’s hand as I follow Charlie and Tom out of the cab onto the sidewalk. I’m still tired from my three hours in the training ring and starving, it’s my turn to pay for lunch and I got to pick the venue. This place is new and no chance of Natasha hitting it with her colleagues on her lunch break either. I’ve been trying to put distance between us since the breakup, trying to stay out of her way and I hate that she has a knack for showing up wherever I am. It feels like she just won’t let go, and although I understand her pain at our breakup, it’s also stifling, and I just want her to move on. She won’t do that if she keeps trying to cling to me.“Hurry up, man.” Tom, my sparring partner today is impatient as hell and throwing me a look that is supposed to hurry me up. I straighten on the street and glare him down.
The Carrero Heart (series book 2) 219
It kills me that I can love her this much and was stupid enough to give that up, to give her up. It’s so black and white in the clear light of my brain defogging and how fucking dumb I am. It was never about what my heart wanted; it was always about what was best for everyone else’s.I don’t want Natasha; I don’t think I ever really did. I want Sophie. If I’m being honest then I’ve always wanted her, needed her. It’s why I could never ignore the two a.m. cries for help. It’s part of my soul to be there for her to fall on, to depend on, to call, and lean on. I grew up for her and became her rock, gave her that safe space to grow and heal and kept the world at bay so it didn’t touch her. I created our bubble together so Sophie could thrive and feel secure, enjoy life without fear and I always told myself it was because I never had a kid sister and she just screamed out for protection. So precious, so angelic and I wanted to
The Carrero Heart (series book 2) 218
Arrick’s POV~ Breaking up with Natasha ~Sitting on my couch, leaning forward with elbows propped on my knees, I stare at my cell for the millionth time and scroll to Sophie’s name on the list. Last call was twenty-eight days ago... twenty-eight long days of hell, silence, loneliness, and lack of Sophie. Twenty-eight days; the last time I felt anything but the constant absence of her and heavy pit in my stomach, from her disappearing in every single way, and leaving a gaping silent sunless space in my life.I’m missing her like crazy, keeping her last texts messages because it’s all I have left of her to hold on to. I scroll to the very last one, again. It’s a nothing text; I don’t even remember what it was in response too, as it’s not connected to the conversation before it. Just one single text, one that sums her up in so very few words and I stare at it as my chest heaves with that same ingrained weight
The Carrero Heart (series book 2) 217
Natasha’sPOV~ Life after Sophie ~I watch Arrick push his food around his plate distractedly, eyes on what he’s doing, yet he seems completely detached from the here and now. We’re in a busy restaurant, the food is good, the company not so much; he has barely said two words the whole time we have been here, and he has had about four beers with dinner so far.Arrick never drinks excessively, normally, but I guess this sums up our life of the past three weeks. I’m irritated, upset but I am trying to keep the pleasantries going. I am trying so hard to not let it get to me, to keep a smile on my face, a positive outlook that we can get through this bump in the road of our relationship, but he makes it so hard.I try not to watch him too much as I eat my own food and give up on small talk. His nods and ‘hmm’ responses make me want to throw my wine glass at him, and I am trying to avoid all forms of naggi
The Carrero Heart (series book 2) 216
Arrick’s POV~ Letting Sophie go ~I lay on my bed staring at the ceiling of my room. I haven’t moved from this spot all night, still fully dressed and unable to even get up and function. The weight in my chest is almost holding me in place, crushing me with the pain, and I can’t stop running last night through my mind endlessly. I’m restless, torn, scrunching my fingers in my hair like I can rip this out of my head. The worst sort of agony that surpasses all.I want to go to her room and see her, but I can’t. I can’t get her out of my head, even though she is only feet away and it’s torturing me.I kissed Sophie... I did more than kiss her, and it felt good, it felt right. It made me feel a thousand things about her that I can’t even begin to analyze, comprehend how to, and all it did was make everything fall apart even more than it was, especially when Natasha showed up and slapped me back to
The Carrero Heart (series book 2) 215
Arrick’s POV~ After the nightclub ~I sink back on the couch and stare into the semi darkness, cradling my second coffee since we got back here, and try like hell to sober myself up. Head swimming and sinking slowly into the softness of my couch, while trying to get a grip on reality. All I have done since we got home is sit here and try to pull all the shit in my head back together. Try to make sense of the entire night that pretty much went to crap from the moment I downed the first vodka.Drink and I are not friends right now, and if I have any chance of salvaging anything, then I need to sober up fast. Sophie is in the shower, she headed there as soon as we got back, and I sat here waiting for her. I need to talk to her, to figure some of this out and I have no clue what to do. Tonight, taught me a couple of things.One. That drunk, I feel about Sophie the way she feels about me and I want her in every way; physically, menta
The Carrero Heart (series book 2) 214
Sophie grabs my wrist and tries to yank me to the side, but I cannot tear my eyes from her. I want to tell her I made a mistake, that she is who I want, that she is all I can even think about. I want to wipe away the memory of that asshole on her body, and replace it with memories of kissing her softly, cherishing her always. No one should ever touch her, except me.“Natasha.” She snaps at me and slaps my hands down from her face harshly, bringing my focus back to reality again. I tear my eyes from her and glance up as I see Tasha heading our way, looking completely non-plussed and again the accompanying guilt is like a constant shadow with her, and wracks me to the bone and almost smashes me in the skull. Nothing hits home and drills to my shame brain, like Natasha’s appearance.It makes me feel shit for even thinking what I just did. That same doubt and uncertainty hitting me with equal force, and I sigh hard. So much for fucking choosing.&l
