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2021-08-20 17:10:57I slide down and do something I have done since I was old enough to bathe myself. I keep going until I fully submerge under the water, hold my breath, close my eyes and blot everything of the world away to hear only the high-pressure thrum of being underwater.
I can ignore my knees getting cold as they stick out to accommodate my laid down position as the respite from the world is always worth it. Even in an uncomfortable half sized tub that scrapes my bum with its cracked enamel.
I taught myself to hold my breath for up to two minutes as a child, even though I have never learned to swim. I used to count the seconds out and make myself do it for longer and longer. It was my escape, my secret underworld which cleansed my soul of all the sins put upon me while hiding me from the reality of my life. I used to wonder if it would be as peaceful to drown and finally be free of all that tormented me.
I can manage half that time now, seeing as I no longer do it ritually
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The Carrero Contract (series book 3) 80
I wake up with a throbbing face, shooting pain across my entire skull and forehead and the worst kind of headache from hell. I am on the cold, hard wooden floor of my apartment and for a moment I have no clue where I am. My body is stiff from it, and freezing from being here for a prolonged time in a very awkward position, like a dead animal.Disorientated and woozy, I turn on my side and throw up when the taste of blood hits the back of my throat making me gag, and I realise that my face is covered in it. Feeling out my features, I can tell that my nose is a mess, blood crusted around it, and it feels like it could be broken at the bridge where it’s swelling badly and near unbearable to touch. Tracing it tenderly, so very carefully with my fingertips and recognising the burning ache of a bone that has to be at least cracked. My face already feels puffy and even though it’s still so dark I can tell I am completely alone in my surroundings. It has that
Last Updated : 2021-08-20The Carrero Contract (series book 3) 81
My heart sinks as that age-old knowing fear takes a grip of my throat and I know my apartment will see a second break in before sunrise. I am too tired for this.This city is full of people with no scruples, and I am an easy target, especially in this state. I don’t have the energy to fight off two teens, even with my baseball bat and mace, not while I’m sick and messed up and close to falling down with fatigue. I have no one around here that would intervene in any way and the sad fact is … I have nothing worthy of protecting except myself.I don’t hesitate. I shove everything I own into my two holdalls, not that I have much to pack, then pull on some sweatpants and trainers and a hoody over my lighter pyjamas. I’m not waiting around for a second assault in my own home, and as the place already looks like Armageddon swept through, it’s not going to make much difference to me. They can come see for themselves it’s all gone and
Last Updated : 2021-08-20The Carrero Contract (series book 3) 82
I shake my head, stomach turning over as I put it back in my bag and hesitate, even though my heart is saying to leave it well alone. Something inside of me is fighting it and I’m not letting it go as I tilt my head back to let out an exaggerated sigh into the eerie surroundings. My inner stubborn is grabbing at my soul and begging me to end my own agony and reach out to someone I know will help me.‘Just do it! … It can’t be worse than this.’ I say it out loud to myself, telling myself off, shaking some sense into me.I know before I pull that card out that I have already made my mind up. I’m weakening, my health, my heart, my fight. It’s all been shaky since the day I left that hospital and I have barely been holding on for months. I am so tired of struggling to fight every day, and the thought of someone else taking control for just five little minutes is like a life savour in the stormy sea. Just five minutes of not
Last Updated : 2021-08-20The Carrero Contract (series book 3) 83
‘Did I ask for the great fucking Alexi Carrero to come on down here and start acting like the prize wanker you can be? NO, no I fucking did not! I asked Mico, MY FRIEND, for help! Someone who actually gives a crap about me, and in no part of that conversation did I say … bring that prick of a cousin of yours as I miss being treated like shit!’ I throw sarcastically, standing taller and lifting that defiant chin while I am the one who steps forward to him ungracefully. I am in the full throes of Diva mode as she finds her feet and blows the cobwebs off.The distance between us shortens and two very pissed and buzzing people get their rage on, face-to-face while the atmosphere turns to static around us and sizzles with the effect.Alexi seems to grow about five feet instantly, but I care not. This bastard will never make me cower at his feet again. I have learned one thing in his absence—I am the one who gave him the power to wound me and I
Last Updated : 2021-08-20The Carrero Contract (series book 3) 84
‘You don’t look well and this place is hardly the Hilton.’ He nudges my shoulder with his and I smile softly, fully aware of how things are. Amazed by how quickly my insides are returning to normal and the effects of one smouldering Carrero in the corner are wearing off now I am over the worst of the shock. I’m still not repentant over throwing things at him; I’m just sorry I only hit him once. I’m still smarting, but it’s hard to stay enraged and high octane when your body is giving up on you.I think I am in dazed shock at his presence though, it doesn’t really feel like he is here. This is a weird dream after months of sleeping.‘You don’t have to tell me that,’ I respond quietly, fully aware that this is barely better than sleeping under a bridge right now and freeze when I catch Alexi’s feet moving towards me across the floor. I won’t show him that his proximity gets to me, so even
Last Updated : 2021-08-20The Carrero Contract (series book 3) 85
Mico sighs heavily.‘He’s not going to do anything to you, I swear. Trust me. I wouldn’t have brought him if I thought he was going to hurt you in any way, and he knows that if he scares you, I will break his face.’ There is something in Mico’s tone that says he isn’t lying to me and I silence my insta-response of no and sit for a moment trying to calm myself down.‘Why can’t he just leave me alone?’ I sulk weakly, sounding fragile and quiet. Sighing and hating how tired all of this is making me. The hours ticking away and I still have to try and sleep before I need to get up for work. At this rate that’s not going to happen and I cannot even face the thought of a ten-hour shift on little sleep and a raging fever.‘Because he spent four months trying to find you and he wasn’t about to let this opportunity slip by.’That shuts me up and I blink up at the door, disbelieving what I
Last Updated : 2021-08-20The Carrero Contract (series book 3) 86
I know fine well she’s called Joanne, but I’ll be damned if he thinks I give a shit about his woman in any way, shape or form. He chose that rancid slut as his bedfellow and hostess, so he can choke on it. He chose her over me. I hope she gave him STDs.‘She hasn’t been the best choice and now the club is losing money.’ Again, he looks at the floor, and if it wasn’t Alexi the tosser Carrero he would seem defeated and a little submissive. I know better. He’s trying to manipulate me into doing what he wants.‘Boo hoo. Should have thought about that before you kicked me to the curb then, shouldn’t you?’ I turn away from him and walk to the kitchen with a satisfied smirk, not falling for his BS, to retrieve a drink of water to soothe my parched and raspy throat. Also needing a little head space as his ever-looming presence fills my room like a black cloud. I hate that no matter what; he just pulls all the air out
Last Updated : 2021-08-20The Carrero Contract (series book 3) 87
It sounds like a reasonable offer. Sweetening the deal, removing himself from the scenario, sounding like he means it, but he can’t take out the one thing which leaves it sour no matter how many bonus points he adds on—that it will still be a connection to him. And as long as he is involved, there will always be that black cloud of doubt that he will leave me alone.I get up slowly and clumsily, and move away from the corner I have put myself in giving him a wide berth, and head for the couch to sit down. Trying to look more confident than I feel, and praying Mico comes back soon. The carpenter has shut us in and seems to be silent now, oblivious to what’s going on or in fact deliberately got out of here and is staying away.‘This is no life for you, Cam.’ Alexi is trying to appeal to me in other ways and I just roll my eyes even though I am facing away.‘Well, it’s pretty much how I started out, so I can’t say it
Last Updated : 2021-08-20
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The Carrero Contract (series book 3) 190
I’m standing staring at myself in the mirror, nerves eating away at me and fidgeting with my dress a little obsessively. It’s long, fitted, ivory, and very classy. A sleek, full-length, fishtailed number that looks great on my body, with my toned-down neutral face and minimal jewellery. Stomach in knots and anally checking my appearance like my life depends on it. Despite knowing, I look flawless. Déjà vu from the morning I met his mother and yet this is way worse. I’m terrified. “You look gorgeous, stop fretting.” Alexi’s voice comes from behind me and he sways to the side of me as he approaches. I stop him mid-step and lean my body against him gently. Backing myself against him. This is something I have been working on for a while now. Letting Alexi get behind me, touch me when standing there and leaning against him. He doesn’t object, just stands still recognising my attempt and lets me fall back against him gently. It’s stupid and weird, I guess, that it’
The Carrero Contract (series book 3) 189
Soon as we get out the door Mico flanks me on one side with Alexi on the other and we are instantly surrounded by more Carrero security. Like a black wall that’s impenetrable and offers instant calm to my frazzled brain. Guiding us efficiently and shielding us from all angles. Overkill, but I guess I’m thankful for it.“What about the rest of her outfit?” Alexi asks as we walk briskly out of the building, the first to leave, but I can already hear chairs scraping as others depart, now we have. Some of them eager to walk away now they've found a resolution to this debacle.It’s weird how something that hung over us for months is tied up with a bow in one very brief sitting. I can’t get my head around the fact the threat is gone, and I no longer need to live under house arrest for any reason. A sudden lightness to my mood as the heavy weight of burden is lifted.“Most departed as soon as they heard their source of income w
The Carrero Contract (series book 3) 188
They lead us to a large, carved, ugly wooden door depicting nude women mid-orgy, and I eye roll at the crassness. Suits Santagato to a T. Mico slides in front of us quickly, knocks on it several times in a coded bang while we wait silently and patiently. Tension making the air so thick I can almost cut it with a knife. I have to still my trembling body, clinging onto him for dear life, focusing on his warm hand encasing mine snugly as a form of grounding and I repeat the mantra ‘he will always protect me’ inside my head.It’s opened immediately and two men move aside as we are let into a dark, smoky room where several men are sitting at a long table. I cannot count how many there are, eyes scanning the crowded scene quickly as my focus tries to adjust rapidly. I swallow my breath, my heart plummets and I just let him take the lead.Alexi walks us in behind two of his men and Mico. I can tell at a glance which ones are the bosses, by their suits and gr
The Carrero Contract (series book 3) 187
“Please,” I whisper it so quietly, begging him to stop questioning, to just take what I’m offering him. He surely understands my reasons. I close my eyes when he finally leans up and pulls one end of the strap and tugs it off my wrist slowly. The material sliding coldly and making me shiver. Eyes on what he’s doing, and I exhale, appeased that we are still going ahead even if a part of me dies a little inside. Like an idiot because I started this.I wait with bated breath for the dreaded feel of leather on my skin, but nothing happens. Anticipation makes me tetchy, heightening my senses to alarming levels and I notice every noise and sensation. I'm antsy and I can’t stand it anymore.Instead, the slide of the one around my neck startles me and I gulp in air, jumping slightly, realising he might start with leashing me and tying me after he gets a makeshift collar on me. A lot of men like Alexi like to have you leashed and tied up for full c
The Carrero Contract (series book 3) 186
Teeth, tongues, lips, coming together of a rather aggressive game of tonsil tennis as his hands slide up my body and I wrap my legs around his waist. Moaning quietly with the way he ignites every nerve ending in me. Body tingling and on fire within seconds as I rub myself against the button and rough zip on his trousers, pushing myself into a fevered frenzy of longing.There is no real foreplay, just a sudden need to consummate our passion right here and now and I reach down and unbutton him so he can spring free from the confines of fabric. Alexi feels me out, probing my warmth with his fingers, finding me wet and willing and doesn’t waste time on formalities.He slides into me soon as he leans back over me and presses down on me as he does so, so our bodies fit snugly and muffle my moans of pleasure as they overtake me. Snug as a hand in a glove, he fills me up in the best kind of way, spreading that pulsating, gorgeously good feeling up through my pelvis and i
The Carrero Contract (series book 3) 185
These are things people figure out before they marry someone, and here we are, already invested and now I’m thinking about the fact I should have told him this already.Babies! Not a fucking chance in hell. He won’t know, unless he did read all my journals, but even then. I wouldn’t say it was obvious from those diary excerpts that my inability to have kids was permanent or even a blessing. I went over the abortion and such and the after-effects and recovery, but I don’t think I ever spelt it out, in black and white, that my body no longer produces eggs for any chance of fertilisation.How do you tell the man cradling a newborn like he was born to do so if that’s where his hopes lie then it won’t happen with me?How do I tell him that I can’t give him this and wouldn’t want to even if I could? Is this what he wants?The happy 2.4 children, family home a
The Carrero Contract (series book 3) 184
It’s not the expected outcome; grown woman turning to childish puppy dog mush, pawing at her angry husband like a devious minx; I find myself eye rolling at the lamest form of female manipulation there is.“You knew? You met her?” Accusatory tone as she tries to regain some footing. Alexi sighs loudly and I glance his way to see him turn and butt himself against the table, throwing me an unreadable look before he downs another drink and I try not to count how many that is. By the look of his sudden lack of trying, I guess he has been prone to scenes like this before, where his father had to steamroll in to defend him, and Alexi mentally goes off on a cruise and leaves him to it. I just stand here like an idiot, a third wheel and in no way wanting to witness this shit.“He’s my son. He has no secrets from me, he never did. Unlike you, he confides in me and comes to me often!” It’s putting her in her place and any other mother mi
The Carrero Contract (series book 3) 183
The house is huge and beautiful like some sort of movie set for the lifestyle of the rich and famous. A towering white mansion set in a beautiful green manicured garden like some modern painting. Set in the sunny Hamptons, near the coast in a very picturesque area that comprises of nothing but huge grand houses, that just spew wealth. I can see why the Carreros reign supreme here. It’s like the real housewives of Orange County.Their home a show house for sure, completely devoid of lived in family life and we are let in by a maid who ushers us into a sitting room in what appears to be a deserted house until she runs off to find our host. Marble entranceway not dissimilar to that of Alexi’s nearby abode, huge sweeping staircase in a flawless neutral palette. It’s glossy magazine worthy with massive professional vases of floral arrangements dotted at key points on expensive furniture around the edges of the room.I find it odd that Alexi is being treate
The Carrero Contract (series book 3) 182
“I can’t do this, Lexi.” My heart is hammering through my chest and I have checked my appearance three dozen times in the full-length mirror of the bedroom we stayed in for the rest of the night. Obsessed with my appearance as anxiety strangles the life out of me. Trying to focus on something I can control and getting a little preoccupied with its importance.We were busy most of last night, making up for our strained day with lots of gentle lovemaking, kissing and caresses, and I’m aglow with his attention today. Cheeks flushed, skin dewy, and a twinkling happiness in my eyes I’ve never seen before. I felt completely chilled when I got up this morning, well almost completely. That was until he dumped this little announcement on me that we’re having a cosy family brunch at Mummy’s house.Ugh. Last night was a repeat of the night he first made love to me, after the failed kidnapping at the club. Only without him
