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61
I don’t care what he’s thinking about, I just want to get my medicine and be left alone for all time. His presence is like a lead weight and as much as I have ached to see him for the past Fort-Eight hours, I realise that it just reminds me how much I hate him, hate what he’s capable of making me feel.
‘’Here.’’ He holds out his handkerchief to me and despite wanting to push it away I have water running down my face and a nose that’s running like crazy, I accept it despite wanting to tell him where to go and just avoid eye contact once again.
‘’Stop being nice, I don’t like it and it just makes me suspicious of your motives, which means I can’t relax.’’ I snap childishly and start drying my skin, dabbing my face and blowing my nose as discreetly as I can.
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I’m surprised to hear Mico talking so candidly to someone he never seems to question. I guess they think I am totally out cold and can't hear them talking around me, because let’s face it, I am planked out star-shaped on a bed with a dead expression, closed eyes and barely able to move and I probably look like I am in a coma.I wish I was, and maybe I would not feel so wretched or out of my head on crazy hallucinogens.I like Mico, he’s a thug and a brutal henchman, but I like the fact he’s probably the first person I have ever met that shows any concern for me, except maybe Gino. He seemed to do that too for a brief moment in that posh house so very far away.I wonder why he has a family home that he never uses.Focus Camilla … stop floating off on the sea breeze.Jesus, I am definitely high.‘‘You’re not taking her in the shower or stripping her, I’m the only one who’s going to d
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People like him that did awful things. It would both fuel that wicked brain with more emotional tools and probably give him a sadistic kick. I quickly distract myself by picking up on a weird detail in what she said instead and let it go. ‘’You call him Lex? I can’t see him as a Lex somehow.’’ I try to move her onto something less raw and to the bone, distracting her instead with something menial. Only people I ever hear calling him that are his cousin and brother, it’s oddly personal. I look her up and down not sure what to make of that obvious affection, even for him she’s a bit young. She doesn’t look old enough to have even left school yet. I never pegged him for that kind, and it makes me feel sick to my stomach that he could be, and I just never realised it. No better than Rick and his
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My whole persona is a lie that ingrained itself inside of me through repetitive use. I created this girl and buried Lisa—she and my battered emotions are a thing of the past.‘’Do you need anything? I can make you a drink or food.’’ The girl is watching me far too closely, even though I still feel weak and clammy, I don’t want her here and fussing. I have never been good at letting people take care of me and especially not someone who isn’t medical staff. No one cared before, so this is a new experience and I feel completely uncomfortable with her probing presence.‘’I need space and privacy. I want to get up, shower and make some tea. I appreciate what you all did but really, I just want quiet time to vegetate.’’ I sound completely ungrateful and I know it. Mico didn’t need to tend to me. Alexi … I don’t even know where to begin. I just know as soon as I am well he will dump me on a f
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Mico’s voice drifts my way as he starts talking to the girl, and I can guess by Alexi’s overly long pause that he can hear him in the room.‘’Look Cam, just forget it…… It’s just better this way. Don’t make it harder.’’ Closed down, voice hardening along with my plans of putting him out of my head tonight. It’s almost as though Mico’s appearance triggered Alexi’s arsehole side and that tiny uncertainty he had in his voice moments ago is gone in the blink of an eye as my heart sinks, nose diving my mood and making me feel that awful wretched way that he is crazily good at pulling out of me.I just want to cry all the time nowadays, and I know he is at the root of it. The sooner I cut Alexi from my life the better.‘’Sure it is.’’ I sound sarcastic but part of me agrees that distance and lack of his presence might be excruciating but needed. I can get my brain o
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Sat alone in the bedroom as I pack everything I own with a complete lack of interest, I cannot help the tears rolling down my face. Mico is in the other room making calls and figuring out where he is going to put me from now on. Alexi didn’t come back and I gather one of the heated calls shortly after his departure was him. Mico sounded enraged and left the building to finish his call, barely able to lower his tone as he continued their argument.The girl must have disappeared when Alexi got here as she has vanished into thin air and for that, I am actually thankful. I don’t want anyone to see me sobbing and pathetic, like some poor battered woman at the hands of a cold bastard and his words.I just feel desolate and in pain. Alexi has cut me loose and I should be happy about it, but I am not. I still harbour this dumb tiny little flicker that somewhere deep inside I mean something to him and as toxic as we are, I love him. I can’t help or control how
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The fact is that I am pining, stupid and emotional, and all I keep replaying in my head is him and his parting words. Crushing my soul and tormenting myself, even though it’s stupid.He wants me gone and I want to be free of him. There is no reason to feel distraught and set adrift because I am getting just that. I skim my phone for the millionth time and hover over his number. Somehow knowing these are the last hours of any connection to him is making me erratic and stupid, and I have to keep chastising myself for letting him get in my head in this way. All I can think about is how he was that night, in bed alone with me after he made love to me, and that’s what it felt like. I know I am obsessing, but … It wasn’t sex, not in Alexi’s typical dominant and aggressive style. It was something else, something more. Something that got to me in ways that cannot be undone. It was seeing another side to him, one capable of softness and gentle care
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Drunk me, is not a good thing and I remember in my hazy stupor why this is not something I ever do to myself. I am an emotional mess, sobbing into my own lap on the floor and cradling my umpteenth cocktail of hard liquor while pulling my mental state into disarray.I am a bad drunk and I can’t switch off the depths of feeling going off inside me like a hot flowing volcano as lava bubbles out through my body. I was stupid to do this to myself, and instead of drowning my sorrows I have opened Pandora’s Box and can’t seem to switch off the all-consuming pain and turmoil coming from the dark recesses of my brain.It’s like I have my own cinematic tragedy on replay, reminding me of my life and all my woes and stupid buried memories which are springing out in all directions, to add to how devastated I already feel.Despite all of that, HE is still foremost in my brain, plaguing me like the tormentor he is so apt at being, and even in his
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