Chapter 8: Regretting Clyden

Maia

Present time

My mother sobbed as she unfolded the events that happened five years ago. I stayed silent all throughout her story, but I could feel my eyes welling up in tears. What is this that I’m feeling? Betrayal? Or maybe some kind of relief?

I feel betrayed by my parents since I genuinely thought that Clyden married me for who I am. I felt like everything that I knew was all lies. Even the most important people in my life were able to betray me. How many more people lied in front of my face?

I looked down on the ground in disappointment. Looking back at it now, he never really showed that he loves me. In all of our anniversaries and milestones, I’m always the one giving gifts. In every Gonzalo family gathering, he’d want me to stay in the background so I wouldn’t embarrass him in front of his family.

My mom sat up and held my hand. I could see that she was having a hard time reaching out to me, so I went closer to her. Her eyes shone in the light. “You’re not mad?”

I let out a deep breath. “I was. But thinking about it now, I guess I feel more relieved.”

My mother’s eyes widened in surprise. “What— how could you be relieved? If I were you, then I wouldn’t have forgiven us. If only I didn’t tell it to you father back then, then maybe…”

I caressed her hands as she spoke. “How could I ever hate you, guys? I love you since you gave me all that I needed when I was young. Although I wasn’t that close to father, I was still grateful for his presence. I also couldn’t come to hate him now because he’s not even in this world.”

“Oh, Maia,” my mom exclaimed while bringing my face to her neck. “You have such a kind heart, and Clyden is so lucky to have you. If we didn’t interfere five years ago, then I’m sure that everything would have turned out great for the both of you.”

I shook my head and smiled bitterly. “I don’t know about that. He was never really interested in me from the start. Remember when I said that I was relieved? It’s because now I feel that I’ve discovered the reason for his hatred. I was afraid that he hated me for who I am, but now I feel like he hated me for a good reason. I guess, from the start, I really didn’t deserve him,”

“Don’t talk like that, Maia. You are a wonderful girl, and anyone will be lucky to have you. If I could grant you guys a fresh start, then I would have done so a long time ago. But I’m so mad at myself that I can’t.”

I sighed. “I want that too, mom. But I’m afraid that the world doesn’t work like that,” I said while looking down on the ground. I glanced at my watch and saw that it was almost time for lunch. The nurses are probably going to come in soon to feed my mom. I smiled at her one last time and said my goodbyes.

“I’ll get going now, mom. I don’t want to be an obtrusion for the nurses, and I’m sure that you’d also like to rest. I’ll visit you in a couple of days, so make sure to keep yourself healthy, alright?”

I could tell that she was still guilty by the look on her face, but I gave her a reassuring smile. “I’m not mad, mom. I just need a little bit of time.”

She nodded my head and kissed my hands. “Okay. See you in a couple of days.”

***

I walked mindlessly as I went to the only place that I could seek comfort in. For all the times that I’ve felt down, this is the place that I run to. When my dad died and when my mom got sick, this was the place that I called home.

I knocked on the wooden door of the small apartment and waited for someone to respond. I smiled when the door opened and revealed one of my favorite people in the world.

“Camille, can I come in?”

She must have sensed the sadness in my voice since she quickly opened the door and led me to sit on the couch. She handed me a hot chocolate and urged me to drink.

I took a sip of the sweet and decadent drink and smiled in delight. “You always know how to cheer me up.”

She sighed and sat down next to me. “What is it now? Is it Clyden again?”

I placed down the hot chocolate on the table and held my hands together. “Close. However, this time, I feel like it’s not his fault, but mine.”

She frowned. “What do you mean? How did that bastard manipulate you into thinking that you’re at fault in your relationship?”

I shook my head. “Clyden’s not here right now. He’s on a business trip, so I haven’t seen him in two months. His family still treats me like I’m the gum at the bottom of their shoes, especially his sister. Now that Clyden’s away, I also feel like his grandparents have been giving me way more chores than usual, even more than what the maids are doing.”

She sat up in anger. “That fucking family! I’m going to kill them. What right do they have to treat you like this?”

“Calm down,” I said while making her sit back down. “Everything makes sense now. I get why they all hate me, and rightfully so.”

She turned to me with an exasperated look. “What do you mean? You don’t deserve any of that shit. You’re one of the kindest people I know, Maia.”

I smiled bitterly and looked down. “That isn’t true.”

She looked at me and waited for me to elaborate.

“I visited my mother today, and she told me the reason why Clyden married me…” I started off. I poured out all my heart and disclosed to my best friend all that my mother had told me. By the end of my story, we both stayed silent.

“You know that none of it was your fault, right?” She broke the silence.

“Everything’s my fault,” I responded.

She sighed and faced me. She held onto my shoulders and said, “No, Maia. Listen to me. From the very start, your feelings for Clyden were genuine. You didn’t even disclose your real identity in school because you didn’t want any special treatment. It could be anyone's fault but yours, Maia. You’re the victim in this situation.”

My eyes welled up in tears as I leaned into her shoulder. “But if I didn’t love Clyden back then, then their family would have never suffered. They wouldn’t have been placed in such a tough predicament. It’s no wonder that Clyden’s mother moved back to their province. It must have been too much for her.”

“Fuck, you’re making me cry, man. Where’s the cheerful and righteous Maia that I grew up with? I know that she’s still there. Don’t lose her completely, Maia.”

“Then what am I supposed to do, Camille?” I asked, conflicted with the current situation.

“Honestly, you would be the only one who could answer that question. But what I can say is that you only have two choices right now. It’s either you choose Clyden, or you choose yourself. What would truly make you happy?”

I covered my eyes. “What if my own happiness lies in Clyden?”

She sighed. “I don’t think that’s healthy anymore, Maia. You should have your own happiness. Your happiness may be shared with another person, but it shouldn’t rely solely on another person.”

“I don’t know what to do,” my voice shook.

“I know, I know. But if I were you, then I’d choose myself. My own happiness.”