DEIRA "Mommy, how long do you have to have those band-aids on your face?" Makayla was sitting at the foot of my bed, frowning at the bandages that were still covering the places on my forehead and cheek that had been cut in the car accident. I wondered for probably the fiftieth time if I should have let Dani bring her here. I had been worried it would only make her upset. Dani had insisted that it would make her more upset not to be able to see me at all. But watching her face as she expressed her obvious dislike for the bandages had me worried again that I was going to scar her for life with my scary post-crash face. "I'm not sure, baby. The doctors have to keep checking, and they'll let me know when I've healed enough to take them off." "Hmmm." Makayla narrowed her eyes and thought about this. I sighed. I was slowly piecing together what had been happening while I had been sleeping. I'd been brought here in an ambulance, which I didn't remember at all. They'd checked for intern
At that moment, the door to the room opened, and my heart leapt into my throat.What is he doing here?I suppose it was my own fault that I didn't know his name, and therefore in my mind he was only Makayla's father. He'd left earlier that day and hadn't been back for hours. I was starting to hope he'd gotten the hint and wouldn't be back again. If only I'd gotten them to let me go home earlier, I would have been far away by now. Instead, here he was coming back into my room, anddear god, holdingflowers. He was dressed much more casually now, in a T-shirt and sweats. I would not have picked him for a sweatpants guy.Then I had a vivid flashback to that night in his room. He had been wearing sweatpants then...Get a grip, Deira,I told myself.Dani must have guessed this was the guy who caused the wreck, because she immediately stood up and crossed her arms. That indicated that no matter how impressed she was by the room, she wasn't planning to give him any credit. I watched her face fo
CASSIUS It had been two days since I went to the hospital. Perhaps showing up with flowers and a whole car (even if it was just a rental) was not the most subtle way of trying to ingratiate myself to the woman? And yet, in my experience, overwhelming people with gifts worked most of the time. I was aware of how charming I could be, and how effective that was when I really dialed it up. After showering and eating that day at Scott's, I'd found myself alone at his place once he went back to work. I dozed for a while on the couch, but I kept waking up. When a few hours passed, I gave up, and texted Scott, asking him to send me the information for the private eye he had mentioned. If I wasn't going to know peace until I figured out why this woman felt so familiar, then it was best to just confront it head on. If I had to pay someone to dig up details, I would. Frustratingly, the P.I. warned me not to expect results for a few days. I offered to pay extra, and he insisted that it wouldn'
He raised an eyebrow. "And you couldn't just ask her?" I was trying to look through the rest of the information, and he was starting to annoy me."She didn't want to see anyone. And the hospital has rules in place." Rules I'd already bent, but he didn't need to know that. "This is all the information you found? I'll write you a check. What was the amount?"He told me, and he gave me a few tips about how the information was organized and his number should I have questions before I was able to usher him out of the office. I sat back down and continued looking through the folder. Nothing jumped out at me. Single mom. No partner. Part-time jobs, one at a flower shop. That explained the commentary from her daughter. It was actually an impressive amount of information, just none that seemed to answer my question about who this woman was to me. I sighed, and flipped to the last page.This was all information about the daughter. It was perhaps scarily informative, including her name ("Makayla
DEIRA "Deira, where did you put those hydrangeas?" I looked up from the tiny card I was filling out to go with the bouquet I had just prepared. I scanned the shop for my coworker and realized she was in the back room, calling through the open door. "Toward the back, in that little corner where we used to have the lemon trees," I called back. Then I returned to the card. I checked the message again from the customer's order sheet. It read: "I'm an idiot. Please forgive me." I sighed. "Please forgive me" was a common theme in the cards we sent with our arrangements, one of the most popular along with "sorry for your loss" and various gushing declarations of love. People assumed working in a flower shop was an overwhelmingly positive experience, surrounded by beautiful flowers. But the truth was, people buy flowers for all sorts of reasons, and you get the desperate apologies and heart-wrenching sympathy along with all the lovey-dovey stuff. At least it was true that the flowers were
We got back to Dani's and I got Makayla started on her homework before launching into the job applications. I was filling out at least three a day, basically anything that seemed like they might hire me, whether it was a good fit or not. So far, I'd gotten nothing in response. That weekend, I had plans to scour a few neighborhoods for local shops that were hiring. A lot of them didn't put their jobs online, but just placed signs in their windows. That was how I'd found the flower shop job.After I exhausted the job search options, I looked over my budget again. I'd already eliminated basically everything but rent, food, and bills, but it still wasn't enough. It was time to start seeing which bills I could let slide for a month or two. It occurred to me that because we were staying with Dani, it wouldn't matter if they turned off the electricity. We were already behind a month, so I might as well let it lapse while we weren't there. I figured they'd charge me a fee to restart it, but h
CASSIUS The first thing I did when I got back to Scott's was call the private investigator. I explained that I had some urgent business I needed to settle with Deira, but that I couldn't find her. I relayed the whole conversation with the neighbor. It took some persuading, but he finally agreed to look into it. I hung up and paced the guest room, my head spinning. If this kid was mine, that meant I had missed five years of her life. Not only that, but the first five years, and all the other firsts that come with them: first birthday, first tooth, first word. And who knows what she knew about me. Did I even exist to her? I tried to calm myself by making an action plan. The first step was to find Deira and Makayla. The next step was to get a paternity test. And then... I paused, stumped. What came after that? If she was my daughter, should I force my way into their life? I had no intention of disappearing, but I also had no idea how we would go forward. I threw myself onto the bed
I imagined finally finding her and confronting her. I thought about all the things I had to say to her. Maybe it wasn't her fault that she couldn't find me. Now, by some miracle, we'd met again. To have the audacity not to say anything to me, to have actually let me meet my kid without either of us even knowing it...I wanted to give her a piece of my mind. I wanted to hear what she had to say for herself.I wanted to...Something stirred within me, something just as fierce as my anger, just as hot. It turned out that imagining yelling at Deira just became... imagining Deira, here, in front of me. It turned out that six years on, she still had the ability to make me want her, even when she wasn't even here.The details of that night had faded over the years, but I could still remember her eyes, looking up at me. And I could still remember how itfelt. When she was on her knees, in front of me. When I was on my knees, making her scream with pleasure. When she was beneath me, and I was i
I held the door for her to get into the car. My dad picked up Makayla so she could give Deira one last hug while I walked around to get into the driver's side. We waved at everyone, and I drove away. As we wove through the grounds of the estate, I kept looking over, stealing glances at Deira as the dappled sunlight flitted over her, turning her hair gold and making her skin glow. I could feel heat pooling in my groin and a desperate need coursing through my veins. I thought again at how long it would be until we got to the hotel that night, and decided it was simply too long.Instead of turning toward the main road, I looped us around toward the back of the estate. I remembered a particularly secluded spot that was perfect for what I had in mind. A few minutes later, I pulled the car to a stop."Is something wrong?" Deira asked, looking over at me curiously."Nothing's wrong," I replied with a wicked grin. "I just don't want to wait until we get to Hawaii." When she realized what I me
CASSIUSThree Months LaterDeira made a beautiful bride.Watching her walk down the aisle toward me, with all our family and friends present, I knew that I had made the right choice in asking her to marry me. In fact, I knew that every choice I had made since that moment I decided to step into that steam room, despite it unexpectedly being occupied, had been the right choice.It was a simple ceremony, because once I'd proposed and she'd accepted, we both wanted things to move quickly. Neither of us saw a reason to wait. So, our whole wedding party was just three people. Scott was my one groomsman, and Dani was her one bridesmaid, and Makayla was the flower girl. In fact, Makayla was something of a flower empress, having demanded to be put in charge of all the floral decisions for the wedding. When that happened, Deira just laughed and looked at me."She gets this from you, you know," she had said, smirking.For my part, I thought she had made great decisions. The flowers looked beauti
A few days later,I was standing outside a hospital room, fidgeting with my dress. Cassius took my hand, pulling it away from the floral garment."You look great," he whispered. "Don't worry." We were about to go into his mother's hospital room, where his parents were waiting to meet Makayla and I for the first time. Makayla was bopping excitedly beside me. She had been on cloud nine ever since Cassius and I had explained that she had grandparents, and they were waiting to meet her. I, on the other hand, was very nervous."Ready?" Cassius asked. I took a deep breath, and nodded.It turned out that I didn't have anything to be nervous about. Cassius's father immediately stood up and gave me a warm hug, and his mother insisted I come sit by her so she could hold my hand and talk to me. They both were very kind to me and, more importantly, to Makayla. Just as she'd been with Cassius, Makayla seemed instantly at ease with them. It didn't take long before she was chatting away to them, talk
DEIRALeave it to Cassius to make a dramatic entrance, I reflected as I stared at him from afar. Whether it was barging into my steam room or crashing into my car or running through the airport yelling my name, he never did anything subtly. I looked at him, standing there breathing heavily. Had he run through the airport looking for me?I glanced back at Dani, and she raised an eyebrow. She didn't have to say anything more for me to understand the question she was asking. That raised eyebrow said, well, what are you going to do? It might as well have said, well, Deira, what do you want? I hadn't expected to have to answer that question at the airport, right before we went through security, but apparently, that's what was happening. Now I had two choices.I could turn my back on Cassius, take Makayla's hand, and walk through the security gate toward a totally new life, or I could go over to Cassius and ask him why he was here. I could give him one last chance to be part of my life. It
CASSIUSThough my mother was doing well, I still spent the next week or so in the hospital. Now that I'd reconciled with my parents, I wanted them to know that I was there for them. But also, I knew that once I returned to my real life, I would need to talk to Deira, and I wasn't ready. Not because I wasn't sure what to say—in fact, the opposite. I knew that I wanted Makayla and Deira to be part of my life now, and forever. But we'd had such a rocky path, I was a little scared of how Deira would respond to me.So, I put it off for days, until my mom finally prodded me to leave the hospital."You've been here forever," she said. "Go home, get a shower, and get a good night's sleep. And then, once you're refreshed, maybe talk to your girlfriend about us meeting our granddaughter." She winked at me."She's not my girlfriend, Mom," I protested, feeling like a teenager."But you like her, right?" my mother asked, and all I could do was grin in response. "See," she continued. "You have to g
The next morning, Dani took Makayla to school on her way to work, letting me sleep in. I laid around her apartment all morning in my pajamas, then went for a quick run before getting myself some lunch. I was very consciously not thinking about work, or Cassius, or anything else. I had half-expected him to call me at some point, but he didn't, and I couldn't help but be relieved. I didn't think I could talk to him until I decided what to do about Mr. White.In the afternoon, I picked up Makayla from school and took her to the park to play. That night, the three of us made pasta and played board games. It was nice to have some time to just have fun, without thinking about all of the stress of the past few months. The next day, after dropping off Makayla at school, I found myself thinking about my blog. I hadn't thought about it in months. I went to the home page and started looking over some of my past entries. Before long, I found myself writing down ideas for new posts. It had been ye
DEIRA I had hurried inside after getting out of Cassius's car, but I didn't want to go back to Dani's apartment when I was so upset. I waited until I saw Cassius drive away, and then I went back out to take a walk around the neighborhood. I had meant to calm down, but I found myself reliving our conversation and soon I was crying. Cassius not believing me about Mr. White hurt even more than I had let on. I'd let out all my anger on him, but beneath the anger was a deep pain and a sense of betrayal. Why did he think I would make something like that up? What did I have to gain from that? And did our relationship mean so little to him that the word of an employee he barely knew was better than my word? That last part stung more than I wanted to admit. For all the ups and downs of our relationship, it had never felt meaningless to me, but it seemed for Cassius this always came second to his job. He believed Mr. White over me, just like he had taken a business call instead of watching
After I got my dad calmed down, I went to find the doctor. I wanted a clear understanding of the accident and my mother's injuries. The doctor confirmed that the coma appeared to be because her body had been through a trauma, and that there was nothing worrying on the scans. All her other injuries were minor, especially considering the severity of the accident, but we wouldn't know her true status until she woke up. I made sure he understood that I was the point person now, and that my mom was to want for nothing. He nodded and reiterated that there was nothing to be done but wait. The waiting was excruciating.I found myself wanting to call Deira, but remembering the look on her face as she'd slammed the car door, I didn't think that was a good idea. I called Scott instead. He offered to come to the hospital, but I asked him to take care of the business instead. That way, I could concentrate on taking care of my parents."Of course, man. Whatever you need. Anything else I can do?" he
The address wasn't far, and I made it there in twenty minutes. Deira was just taking Makayla inside when I pulled up. I waited in the car and a few minutes later she emerged. I was going to get out and meet her, but she walked right to the car and got into the passenger seat."I can't talk long," she said. "But I realized storming off like that earlier wasn't helpful, so I wanted to try to explain." She fidgeted, like she was nervous."I did talk to Mr. White," I said, wondering if what he said was true, and now she was nervous because she regretted her actions. At his name, she glanced over at me sharply."Did he admit what happened?" she asked, seeming surprised."He told me his side of things. Why don't you tell me yours?" At the phrasehis side of things, her face fell. She looked down at her hands and took a deep breath. Finally, she spoke."He accused me of sleeping with you to get my job," she said quietly."What?!" I hadn't been expecting that at all, and I was so shocked I fel