Chapter VI: She's Lost Within Her

“I don’t want to feel like I need to be saved.”

With a blank expression on my face, I told Toby then I gulped on the bottle of beer we’re drinking.

He just looked at me for a second and he once again poured his gaze on the lofty buildings right before us.

We are now at the rooftop of the publishing house where my friend is working at. For how many years, this has been our go-to place whenever I don’t know what to feel. Whenever I am sad or burnt out, I just can’t explain how I can I simply find myself lying down on a rooftop.

I don’t know either. Just by solely resting here and gazing over the serenity of stars, I can somehow feel at peace… even for a temporal moment. Mayhap, only the stars are the ones who won’t judge me even when I look so horrible, like I do now.

And maybe in these stars, I can whisper all the things I can’t easily tell other people. And through them, I can see something that won’t hesitate to shine on me, when I, myself, can’t lit up my own little world within me.

Reason why after what happened earlier in our house, when I saw my Aunt’s husband once again cheating on her, with another woman, I immediately texted Toby if he’s free. And as what he always says, he’s always free when it’s me who needs him.

I find his lines cringe but I don’t want to stay in our house tonight. That’s why even though I have to endure with this guy’s weirdness, I still chose to go here.

“What if they know you needed it?” Toby asked; breaking the silence that roves around the place where we’re at now, and interrupting the unceasing wave of thoughts inside my head.

My heart stopped beating for a second. The only words that made me instantly throw a gawp at him. I squinted at him, trying to see if he will say another thing.

And he just looked at me, emptily. But his eyes were drowning me just by simply staring at those. If he’s just trying to tease me and get on my nerves, he must start sneering now. But it didn’t came even after some seconds. He remained his gaze at me, who’s just looking at him, too.

“What do you mean by that, huh?” I haughtily asked Toby.

He must be kidding me right now, because if he’s serious, I should start hitting him now. When did he see me needing to be saved? When did he see me asking help from other people? That will only happen over my dead body.

“Do you think I’m still that poor little girl who cries like a baby waiting for help?” I sarcastically questioned my friend.

He knew that phase of me. He saw me struggling. He saw me almost dying, trying to find a job who’ll accept that little me to earn money for my Mom.

Toby was there.

He never left.  

“Of course, I know…” he started talking again, but now he redirected his sight on the city lights in front of us.

Since it was a very vague answer from him, I once again slugged the beer I am holding tightly, still waiting for Toby to continue what he was about to blabber.

“You’re not that cute little girl anymore,” he said and he even sniggered.

I shook my head and my eyes narrowed, glaring at him.

“But I am sure, that cute little girl is still yearning for saving within you,” he continued. “Your lips might lie but your eyes can’t, Gia.”

Only the silence was what I was able to respond after what he just uttered. My heart is divided. There’s some part of me that can’t and don’t want to accept what he said, but I can’t deny how his words pierced right through my soul.

I don’t understand it either. I don’t know what to think of anymore. I don’t even know what to say to him. It made me silent for some minute.

But who the hell knows me more than I do? Nobody.

Not even Toby. Not even my own family. Nobody knows me the way I do.

Nobody saw me struggling the way I did. Maybe Toby witnessed it, but he didn’t know what I felt inside and what I did to overcome it all alone.

The only thing that I can tell other people are just the things I want them to know. No more than that. I don’t want them to deem me as a weak woman. I don’t want them to see me cry anymore. I don’t want them to see me hopeless and trembling.

People does nothing but take advantage of our weaknesses. I wouldn’t want to see myself falling for the trap that those horrible monsters create, ever again.

“We don’t have beers left. I’ll just buy some more outside.” Trying to escape from his provoking words, I reasoned out and stood up from the bench we’re where sitting at.

“No, Gia. I’ll go with you---”

Before he even finished what he’s about to say, I cut him off. “Do you think I need you to save me if ever I’ll get harmed?” I grinned and shook my head, then I left the place.

Since he’s working in the city, there are lots of convenience store around the area. There are still throng of people around, and the lights are still keeping the streets bright albeit the time.

While walking around the road, I don’t even know who’s rushing faster: is it the cars passing by me or the surge of thoughts inside my mind.

Do I really need to be saved?

I bet not. I don’t need anybody.

Thus, I tried to brush off the pondering within me. Then, after I bought some drinks, I went back to Toby’s workplace. He didn’t even notice me approaching. He’s currently on a videocall with someone over his phone.

“Don’t worry, I’ll go home after my workloads,” Toby said while moving his phone around and he accidentally faced the camera on a direction where I was spotted.

“Was it…” The lady he’s talking with, asked Toby but the guy immediately turned around, hiding me from the camera. “Was it Gia?!” she yelled at him.

“I’ll just talk to you later---”

“How many times do I have to tell you to leave that loose woman alone?!”

Loose woman. It echoed in head.

Without hesitance, Toby turned his phone off and offered me an awkward smile while walking towards me. I smiled back at him, not feeling anything anymore.

“She still hates me?” I asked him a question that I, myself, know the answer.

“I’m sure she’s just stressed, Gia. You know her,” Toby tried to console me and reached the bag of beers from my hand. “Come on, let’s just drink.”

We are talking about Alora, Toby’s sister…

And my dearest old friend.