A Month Of Solace For The Scarred Luna

It had been a month since my marriage and my husband hadn’t returned from the war. From what I had heard from my now habit of eavesdropping, especially from gossipy women on the streets and the maids who didn't notice my presence lurking by, our pack had been outnumbered by the enemy and their so-called “alliance”.

“They brought the Elves to slaughter the Alpha Leader! The messenger had stopped coming back here since that announcement,” one of the vendors exclaimed to her friend as I passed by their direction.

“Who knows if the Alpha Leader has already perished!” Another voice, was it Ella, the florist? 

“If we lose our alpha leader, what will happen to this pack? For he still didn’t have any offspring to take over his position?”

“If the Alpha Leader dies, I sure hope he had impregnated that cultist whore!” It was loud enough for everyone to hear. It seemed they had noticed me passing by.

I turned to them and gave them a small, awkward smile. Despite their cries of mockery, I painted a smile, feigning ignorance.  “Good morning, ladies. I hope you have a fine day early this morning.”

But I was only given a glare and a cold shoulder as they turned their backs against me.

“So, Ella, did Kozart buy any flowers today?” 

“Of course, he said they were the loveliest roses he ever bought!” She replied as she giggled.

I stayed still, completely being ignored like a speck of dust that should have faded away, yet my smile didn’t falter as I…unfortunately, had got used to this routine.

Even before my new life, this had always been a normal occurrence. It had gotten only worse because this time, I felt alone.

Without the nuns cheering me up when a child threw a stone on my head.

Without Father Gossep singing songs to appease the non-believers.

I missed them…so badly.  And I knew they were worried for my well being. 

There were times I wished I could have visited the Hatiist Church and tell them I was…okay.

But I vowed to never step inside the Hatiist Church, I couldn’t even send a letter or else the tension could grow higher with the lack of news of the wolf warriors. 

All I could do was to pray for Hati. To pray for the unending war to be stopped and...pray for Hati to return and save us all.

“Hey, you.”

I lifted my head, visibly surprised that Ella and the fruit vendor, Naureen, acknowledged my presence.

“Y-Yes?”

“It’s been a month now since you became the luna,” Ella sneered as she crossed her arms. “Are you carrying Lord Varick’s child?”

“I…” This is the only time they actually spoke to me and I was caught off-guard. My eyes widened, my throat suddenly felt dry and I couldn’t even say a word. 

I should tell them that there wasn’t a new life in my womb. 

That there was nothing after he...violated me.

Suddenly, I felt his hands gripping on my thighs as they spread my legs and thrusted without warning. 

THE THRUSTING INSIDE MY TORN OPENING—IN, OUT, IN, OUT—IN! OUT! IN! OUT! IN! OUT!—AS I WAS WRITHING IN AGON—

‘Stop it! Stop it! STOP IT! STOP THINKING ABOUT IT!’ I dropped on the floor, pressing my hand on my chest, feeling my heart beat rapidly fast as I saw the beads of my sweat on the pavement. 

Deep breaths, I needed to take deep breaths. 

‘He’s not here. He’s not going to hurt you.’ I chanted in my mind, knowing this was the only way to reassure myself. 

Fortunately, I came back to senses and realized I almost had another case of a panic attack...in front of the two female merchants giving me curious stares.

“A-Are you o—”

I stood up, shaking my head feverishly, took the basket of the produce and ran off.

The last thing I wanted them to hear is a pitiful Luna who couldn’t overcome her nightmares of that night. 

I thought I had overcome it. I thought I could live my life, accepting that I would be the mother of the next in line of the pack.

But since there wasn’t any life formed in my womb, I thought as I continued to run away. Involuntary tears streaming from my eyes as I tried to ignore the stares of the pack…

…I was scared that he would do it again and again…and again until I bore him an heir. 

.

I stopped by the alleyway, far from the sight of curious gazes and relieved myself by throwing up the bile stuck on my throat. 

It was disgusting and nauseating but it freed me of this palpitating ache instilled in my being. As soon as I was done, I took out my water jug and gulped it in one go. 

Sun God, Hati…This is the life I have now, stuck in fear of the return of my husband. You could say I committed a sin of thinking…

…that I’m glad the war kept him busy.

Ever since I’ve left the church, these dark thoughts continued to loom over my mind and the only way to keep myself sane was through my prayers to Hati.

“I need to go home,” I said to myself as I tried to stand up. 

Home wasn't the Hatiist church. My new home was that large house on the top hill, isolating itself from the rest of the pack.

After a month of solace, I started talking to myself or to Hati. Weeks in my husband’s house had proven to me that the maids were grateful if I do everything by myself.

And it felt better to do something instead of being cooped up in that bedroom. 

For tonight’s dinner, I had every ingredient I needed so I must return back before sunset.

The streets were more somber than usual. With the lack of healthy men around, the streets weren’t as bustling as they should be. 

Many injured soldiers were lying on the alleyway due to the increasing number of occupied patients at the hospital. The magicians were all taken during the war and what remained were disabled men, women, children and the elderly. 

The pack’s kingdom hadn’t been the same for many years. 

My thoughts were suddenly interrupted by a mug of honeydew beer placed in front of me.

I blinked and the mug was forced on my hands. 

“For your nausea,” the voice of a young man said. He turned his back before I could see his face. “Take good care of yourself especially in times of war.”

He lifted his hat from behind as his way of bidding farewell and he left me alone, puzzled and lost, while my hands were holding the mug he left me.

Who was that?

Before I came back to my senses—let alone to even say my thanks, the man was long gone.

Now I looked at the wooden mug before me. It smelled of honeydew, an ingredient you couldn’t easily find around here. 

A rarity that only the affluent in this pack could afford. I drank its contents and was surprisingly satiated after finishing the last drop.

It was the first time drinking such a luxury that it strangely calmed me right after.

Perhaps, there were still good people who didn’t care that I was from the Hatiist Church. 

And I continued to feel good, knowing that Hati wouldn’t leave me.

“What are you doing here?”

My body quickly stiffened hearing that familiar voice from a short distance and I felt my throat suddenly dried up. The concoction spent earlier wasn’t enough to help me from this fear.

That he would return to take me…again…again and again…

My wrist was gripped by a metallic touch of someone’s hand and I was forced to turn to face once more with the real genuine appearance of my husband.

“You shouldn’t be here,” he said with gritted teeth and I knew that I worsened his already fouled mood.

Lord Hati, the man who made me experience fear, had finally returned.

And I knew my brief solace had ended.