“I printed off the class notes for each of you. Take them home, work through them and highlight anything you want to elaborate on tomorrow.” I instruct my study group, sliding out the paperclipped pages to each one, and Elisa slides half the pile from them to pass to the next table.
We’re in the library on the second floor, taking our class free period as a time to catch up on biology. This is how I use any free time I get during school hours, unlike some I could mention. My entire existence is about doing well and getting the grades I need to go to Harvard when I graduate, so becoming our class president and the study group leader for our year feels like an achievement.
“These are well laid out and really helpful, Kayla. Thank you.” Jordan, a boy from my class, flashes a shy smile, giving me those puppy dog eyes he sometimes has for me. I know he’s had a crush on me since junior year, but I don’t have time for boys. As nice as he is, I don’t need the distraction of dating.
He's not unattractive. He’s that typical rich, preppy boy bookworm type. Good bone structure, clean cut, sandy hair, blue eyes, tall and lean with glasses, and a neat cut back and sides. He reminds me of Clarke Kent in a way.
“Guys, guys…” A rushed, hyper voice invades the quiet of the roomy library, breaking the near silence as a middle year kid rushes in, knocking into a book stand by the door and sending a few sliding to the floor. An angry librarian shushes him with a glare, but he waves his hands in the hair with excitement. “There’s a punch-up between two seniors in the main hall. They’re going crazy.” He whoops and turns on his heel to run out before he gets a demerit for ignoring the rules in here, and a dozen student chairs scrape across the floor as they shift ass to see.
There’s an instant buzz of excitement, and I roll my eyes, glaring at the two from our group, who get up so that they slowly slide back down and look sheepishly at the rest of us.
“We have more important things to do than watch two idiots thump lumps out of each other.” I raise a brow and go back to opening the pages in front of me. Tutting at how many students have exited the room to go view something barbaric.
“Dane Masterson and Greg Kent from the seniors are beating the shit out of each other.” A voice echoes our way loudly from a group being ushered out by an excited teen, and my whole body stiffens. It feels like the blood runs cold in my veins, my heart skips a beat, my breath falters, and I hesitate about getting up. My hands tremble instantly.
This is not my problem. I shouldn’t care. He told me to stay away from him a few days ago, which is fine. Let him get expelled for something as stupid as fighting. Let him get beaten to a pulp. Why should I have any sort of emotion about that – he’s nothing to me.
“You’re really not going to go look?” Elisa nudges me, sensing my stiffness. My heart is hammering in my chest, and I shake my head. Unsure why suddenly my pulse is racing, and my stomach is fluttering like I’m nervous. I don’t get the internal reaction, so I swallow it and shake my head, pasting a fake smile to brush it off.
“Sorry, Kayla, but that’s something I want to see. Greg was a jerk to me all these years, so seeing him get beaten up….” Shy boy David slides up, and it seems the only encouragement some of them need as my group dissolves with a sudden up-and-run behavior. More than six of them follow suit and depart as quickly.
“It’s your brother, right?” Jordan eyes me up and looks from the door to me, trying to gauge my reaction from my blank expression. He seems torn about following them but knowing he likes me probably is the reason he’s still sitting here.
My hands start getting clammy, and I mentally scold myself to sit here and let it go. Impulses jumping inside my body and brain to move my legs and go with them are being pushed down hard. I don’t even know why my instincts are trying to get me out of this chair. I don’t care if he gets punched to a pulp.
“By marriage. He’s an idiot who can handle it by himself.” I dismiss casually but my voice tremors, and Elisa narrows her gaze on my face.
There’s a giant smashing, crashing noise that reverberates so loudly that it echoes in here and gives half the staff a jumping fright. I feel like my stomach lurches into my chest.
Without thought, pure instinct taking over, I’m up on my feet and running out to the hallway before I can stop myself. Sliding to the railing of the glass banister with an urgency that overhangs the hallway below. I have to push between two girls to get in to see, shoving and wriggling into the crowded space and almost fighting to get my head over. I am crammed in with bodies and almost take an elbow to the face.
Below on the white marble floor in the school's main foyer, crowds are moving around two figures tied up in each other’s limbs as they fight it out wrestle style. Kids are egging them on and chanting, but the boys are oblivious and zoned in on each other. Dane seems to have the upper hand, throwing the other boy down and then dragging him up by the collar from the floor before punching him square in the face. Greg reels back into the remaining marble pillar that acts as a flower stand by the entrance, and it, too, comes down with a violent crashing. The other is already on its side, the top detached and broken, and the huge glass vase, which held a display of expensive large flowers, is in a thousand pieces. That must have been the crashing noise. Leaving water, shards, and fauna all over the right side of the hallway.
There’s a second echoing smash as this one suffers the same fate, and a few around me cover their ears in the chaos.
“Stop it… Stop it.” A girl appears and starts frantically hauling at the back of Dane’s blazer, clinging onto him and getting nowhere as he drags Greg up again. Blood is smeared across the boy's face from what might be a broken nose, and he already has darkening eyes from bruising. “Dane, you’re killing him.” She’s sobbing, desperate with her pleas, and I recognize her as Renee Walter - the girlfriend of Greg.
“Apparently, Dane has been sleeping with her for a month. Greg just found out.” The girl beside me whispers to her friend, snorting their disgust, and both lean over the rail as the crowd moves again. The two boys and half the spectators disappear under the balcony we’re overhanging on, and all up here lean over further to see.
My heart stops mid-beat, a moment of sheer anger mixed with a spiking bump into my stomach at their words. A sickening feeling comes up to strangle me that I can’t explain, and I’m dazed and unfocused for a second.
I mentally cast my mind back to that night on the drive and wonder if it was Renee who picked him up. Although I didn’t get a good look at her, it could have been, and I wouldn't put it past him to have sex with someone who had a boyfriend. He doesn’t care who he hurts or what mess he causes in people’s lives.
He’s disgusting.
Renee and Greg are final-year seniors graduating this year, a class above us. She's been dating Greg for her entire high school life, and everyone knows they are set to get married after college. The fact she would do something like that abhors me, and I push away from my spot, getting annoyed with no longer being able to see what’s happening.
I slide back and push past Elisa in haste, who’s hanging back, heading for the end of the walkway and down the huge stairway to get onto the same level as them. I’m a mix of anxiety, anger at him for being this thug, and a shred of concern that Dane might actually get seriously hurt. The thought surprises me, but I guess he’s been my brother for ten years, and I wouldn’t be human if there weren’t an ounce of care. I’m not as self-centered as him.
It takes seconds to get down beside them, and I force my way through the nearest wall of students caging them in, seeing teachers starting to spew out of nearby doorways and know this will be broken up soon. Dane getting in trouble for this will make my mom go nuclear.
“Dane, please…. I beg you.” Renee is hauling at Dane, but it’s not keeping him off the now-floored-again Greg. He looks done. His face is a mess, his clothes disheveled, and there's blood all over his face, neck, and collar. Dane isn't much better. Although his nose has way less blood, it looks like his eyebrow piercing has taken a direct hit, and his lip ring is gone, leaving what might be a split.
“Stop it.” That impulsive part of me that sometimes takes control against all my logic has me diving into the center of the clearing and pushing myself up in Dane’s face, so he drops his focus on his victim. Unlatching his hand from Greg’s clothes and shoving him back with two hands to the chest as hard as I can. “Let him alone. He’s done. Stop it, right now.” I snap at him, knowing I’m only overpowering him because Renee is still hauling from behind, and it’s a combined effort.
Dane is panting with exertion, his clothes pulled up and messy too, and he seems to sag a little as his eyes rest on me. He looks exhausted, and there’s a sheen of sweat across his forehead under messy bangs. His stiffness from standing ready to take another swipe loosens, and he exhales right in my face. I get the vibe he’s close to sitting down as he’s as spent as Greg, and I wonder how long they were doing this.
“What did I tell you about butting out.” His words are splintered and raspy, his gaze locking on mine with ferocity, and before I get a chance to scold him some more, his eyes widen, and he moves so fast my head spins.
Somehow I go from facing Dane, hands on his clammy pecks while holding him back, to being enveloped in his arms. Turned so speedily that I get dizzy, and I'm crushed to him in a vice-like grip of being shielded. Something hits him in the back with a force that reverberates through his body to me, and he slumps over me a little as he takes the full impact. Squeezing me tighter, my head is pushed under his chin, and my arms are crushed tight between us, so I can’t move or breathe.
“I will fucking kill you.” He growls over my head, turning his face back in the direction Greg is in, and I realize I have been pulled in a complete arc to get here.
Dane is surrounding me with his body, and I am suddenly in a weird shadow of protection as his jacket conceals half my face with how he grabbed and pulled me in.
“That’s enough… break it up… break it up.” Mr. Swanson, the head teacher’s voice booms across us all, yet Dane doesn’t release his grip on me. Looking down, his eyes scour over me, and he seems oblivious to the new swarm of staff who have appeared to drag them all out. He’s in so much trouble for this.
“You two are coming with me… I am calling your parents.”
“Did it hit you?” Dane's voice drops in volume, so it’s for my ears only, and I have no idea what he’s talking about.
“Did what hit me?” I shove myself out of his arms, realizing how weird and gross it is to be cuddled up to Dane. My heart is beating a rhumba from the fright he gave me in grabbing me this way, and my senses are overwhelmed with his mix of aftershave and sweat. His clammy touch or muscular body pressed into my every curve. It’s left me feeling weird and antsy, like a rippling crawling sensation running over my skin. I’m suddenly lightheaded.
A piece of broken marble about the size of a tennis ball is right by Dane’s foot in my line of vision, and it dawns on me he just protected me. Greg must have thrown it at him. That would have smacked him in the spine. I don’t know how to absorb that. I would have taken it in the back of the head.
“No… I don’t think so. Are you okay?” it’s out before I realize how weird I sound. Soft and genuine, like I might actually mean it, I snap my mouth closed and step away from him. Shocked at my own response.
“Move.” Dane is grabbed by the scruff of his collar by the head and pulled away from me. My eyes dance over the mess of his face, the slight bruise shade appearing along his jawline. Churning up my stomach, I seriously think about following him to ensure they take him to the medical room.
“Oh my god, are you okay?” Elisa’s voice pulls me backward, with a dainty hand tugging my wrist. Dazed, I come to, and she’s beside me, so I instantly suffer from confusion. I glance from her to Dane being hauled off as school kids part and disperse, and I hesitate.
“I should go too. Make sure he’s okay and wait for his dad to come. My mom will go crazy over this.”
“I don’t need a babysitter. Go back to class.” Dane sits opposite me in the waiting space outside the principal's office. He’s stretched out, legs across the floor between us and lounging casually with his head back against the wall behind, as though this is no big deal. He is infuriatingly cool despite his mess of a face and his dad being in there trying to save his ass. The school nurse has seen him, and it’s nothing but minor cuts and bruises, which now sports some sterile strips. What I thought was a burst-out piercing was instead a little cut after it broke out. His eyebrow is swelling, but his piercing is still there.I can’t believe I worried about this moron and waited with a nervous breath for him to come out and look absolutely fine. He has some bruising around his jaw and eye, but it’s barely anything compared to the mess Greg was in when he left. He had blood all over his collar and shirt. Dane’s bloody nose was gone after he blew it.“Your dad asked me to sit here while h
“Daddy still ignoring you?” he slides his legs to one side of mine, crosses his feet at the ankles, and gets comfy, propping his head forward to watch me with glee. I turn slightly away, cross mine, and pretend I am disinterested.“Get lost.” I pick up my textbook again to try and ignore him, hating how he always seems to be able to dig into my head and figure out the small things. From a look… For someone who seems oblivious in life, he always catches on real quick to what’s happening around us. It’s annoying. He’s either super observant or can mind-read.“Did I hit a nerve? Ouch…… you know….” He grins at me, and I know something hurtful or cutting is coming, and when it comes to my father, my heart is a fragile mess.“Don’t okay?... Just don’t.” My tone is clipped with an edge of pleading that I didn’t intend. A light waver to my words, and my eyes mist over. I don’t need a big finger pointing at my insecurity over whether my dad even loves me. Especially not from Dane.I don’t nee
A rap rap disrupts my focus on my bedroom door before it’s rudely pushed open, and Dane stands in the open space looking at me at my desk by the veranda.“Monique says to come down for food. You aren’t to eat in your room.” He tells me blankly and then pushes off from my door frame to walk off. Not waiting for a response or to see if I even heard him.I get up, drop my pen beside my notebook and laptop, and follow him out the door. Glad for the food break as I was starting to see double while working on my essay. Seeing him loitering ahead of me in the hallways as he walks at the speed of a snail back to wherever he came from, I hurry to catch up.“Move, slow ass.” I nudge him to one side with my shoulder, barely budging him as I power march up beside him to get by. Seeing as he’s taking up the center of the walkway. Thrusting myself forward to cut in front of him, yet I'm hauled mid-step with a hand on my upper arm and tugged back again, so I stumble into him.“Losers come last.” He
“Yo, virgin…?” He clears his throat, voice strained, and I glance back, seeing him getting to his feet and adjusting his shorts. A little blush on the high points of his cheekbones, but he seems to recover rapidly. He locks his gaze on mine and keeps me rooted as I walk away.“What?” I snark at him, so focused on walking while snarling his way, I walk straight into the door frame and bang my cheek, shoulder, hip, and knee simultaneously and ‘ouch’ in reaction. It’s a sharp shooting pain over the entire left side of my body that has me crumpling.“Yeah … that…. You suck at multitasking.” He laughs at me, wanders up to where I am hopping around, rubbing various sore points on my body and face, and uses his flat palm to push my head away as he passes, covering my entire cheek. I fall on my ass because of my weird posture and holding my leg up, and it only makes me rage all the more.“You’re a jerk. I hope your food chokes you.” I snort, knowing he intentionally distracted me because I wa
“Quiet now, please.” Our class professor raises his hands to bring quiet back to the chatter of our English lesson. “We have one week before break, and I know it’s agonizingly close… but you still have to work.” He turns and taps the board, highlighting random topics with his torch pen that are laid out in a numbered list. “One assignment before then… due on the last day. I want you paired off in groups of four, and we will make this a team deal where I assign you guys one topic each. A full week on nothing but this, so a little seating reshuffle before we end for the weekend. Let’s make this fun and relaxed, guys.”There’s a chorus of groans from everyone in the room, including Elisa next to me, as no one ever likes to group in for projects. Especially not pre-holiday ‘fun’ ones where the assignments are always lame. It’s always unequal pairings where certain people get stuck with the majority of work. I personally do not care, as my control freak self likes the be the one researchin
“I’m nervous. He’s never sat near us before.” She whispers as though this is some mortal sin and then sinks back within herself when he steps back to us and nods directly behind me.“We will sit there. Jordan and Sam have gone to the back.” He gestures to the two vacancies, and I turn enough to see my admirer gazing at me longingly from the back row, where he is huddling up with two of the shy girls in our class. Both are pretty smart and in the chess club, so I am glad they picked a decent group.I feel bad for Jordan that Dane always seems to pick on him in subtle ways and intimidate him constantly. I have never understood why he dislikes him so much, as Jordan is such a sweet person. It seems like since we were about eight years old, Dane just decided Jordan was someone he would always pick on.“Sit behind me … because otherwise, Dane will spend the next week prodding me, hanging over my shoulder, or pulling my hair. I know what he’s like.” I am turned in my seat and tap the desk d
It’s past midnight, long past it, and I’m standing in the kitchen drinking some water to take an aspirin before I finish up on some of my notes from school all week. I have my one full day I do monthly at the shelter tomorrow as it’s Saturday, so I want all my homework to be up to date because I’ll be too tired later. Sunday, I have plans with Elisa for a much-needed break.I’m hiding away from my parents in their room after hearing them fight again. I heard the name Dane so many times I wanted to rip my ears off and came down here to escape it instead. It sounded bad this time.My mum was yelling like a banshee, which she rarely does, and Bryan was reacting to it, which he never does. He’s such a solid, push-over guy that he normally lets my mom vent and takes it, but I could hear him shouting back.Over the past few months, it’s become a regular occurrence. It’s like it builds up, my mom finds fault in everything that Dane does, and Bryan’s lack of controlling him gets attacked. Sh
“Why are you so selfish and irresponsible?… You only think about yourself and not anyone around you….. You’re blinkered to anyone else's feelings, and life is one big fucking party to you. Don’t you have any sense of responsibility or one ounce of decency? Do you even care about anyone else… or see how I struggle?” The floodgates open, my voice getting more strained and pathetic with every word as tears roll down my face and sheer frustration consumes me.My mum and Bryan fighting, my dad never replying to my texts and rarely seeing me, school getting harder with more work as we get older, and the pressure to stay as a top achiever clings onto me. College is looming closer, and the fear I won’t get accepted and my mom will get disappointed in me eats inside me every day.Dane avoiding me, ignoring me, and treating me like a disease he might contract if I get close. Dane causing so much shit and ruining what little of a family I have, and living in an atmosphere that’s suffocating. E
Here I am, wallowing in pain and heartbreak, thinking that he, too, must be having a really hard time. It’s the only comfort I have been able to give myself in all of this, and yet it’s not even true. He’s over there living it up with another girl, making friends, and even going to school with her. The fact no one wants to tell me means it’s far from innocent, and I don’t want to believe he would move on so fast, yet something tells me this is his style.This is exactly the kind of shit Dane of the past would pull.Didn’t he try throwing all in with that shrew Charmaigne in an attempt to dislodge my feelings for him? Maybe knowing we can never be together, he has gone down the route of replacing me as fast as he can. Don’t they say the faster way to get over someone is to get under someone new?He slept with other girls in his past to try and forget me, and now here he has a ready-made wannabe girlfriend living in his new home. If he really wanted to get over me, she is the perfect st
School was tougher today than yesterday. I think it’s the inability to sleep and the slow loss of Dane’s belongings and possessions at home, feeling like I am trying to grasp onto fine dry sand and can’t keep it between my fingers. Every time I close my eyes, I see him, and the overwhelming sadness stops me from being able to shut off my brain and roll over this mess again and again until I feel like I'm going slowly insane.I never knew love could be so awful.“You okay?” Elisa interrupts my spaced-out mood and pulls me back to the burger in my hand that I have barely touched. Sighing as I stare back out the window blankly at my jeep parked nearby and nod.“A million miles away. Sorry.”We decided to come out and eat after we dropped off my paternity test at the lab out here, only ten miles from home. Tyler had something to do with his friends, so Elisa and I decided to hang out here, take in some scenery, and try a burger bar to take my mind off of things.It wasn't hard. I put a sw
“I know, I know…I’m working on it. I never thought your mom would take it as badly as she is and dig her heels in. I’m sorry it seems like we’re stalling but it’s just you know how she can be. She needs time to calm down and change her mind.” Bryan looks weary all of a sudden, and now my anger dims a slight tiny fraction at his attempts to douse my fire, I cannot deny that he seems unnaturally pale today.A tiny hint of empathy and maybe even concern peeks out, and I try and push it back down into the pits of hell and remind myself that these two humans deserve anything they are going through. I don’t want to feel anything for either of them.“Maybe you should ask yourself why she is stalling….maybe you need that test as much as I do.” I point out, appraising his expression and seeing real fatigue etched on his face for the first time in as long as I can remember, and I wonder how much of a mental toll it's taking on him, too. Maybe he does have doubts, or maybe losing Dane this way h
I’m tired already, and it’s only eleven AM, and another class is starting. I regret coming back today, given last night I barely slept and instead cried myself raw on Dane's empty bed. Draped in the hoody that he wore the first time we took Elisa to the cove and staring at the mountain of boxes Monique packed up to send abroad for him. A symbolic tower of everything that is him ready to be sent far away.His room felt like she had stripped all personality that was Dane from its very air, as though he never existed in this space. Even his smell was gone, and as I lay there on the uncovered mattress, I couldn’t move or leave, and sleep wouldn’t take me. Just a useless heavyweight of flesh tethered to the last place he dwelled and unable to move on.I feel like I am now existing in an eternal zombie state, caught between numb and excruciating pain at any given moment, and my mind is anywhere but on school. But I know I cannot keep existing this way. Dragging out and holding onto nothing.
“She went to the airport early to wait for Bryan…to avoid me, I guess. Things here have been strained and hard, and we have come to a silent cold war. I can’t stand being in the same place as her, yet she insists now we eat together again and won’t let me stay locked up in my room. She had a carpenter come and remove the locks….who does that?” It’s a tired accusation, lacking real vavoom, even if it still angers me that she did it. I have long since lost the fight I had to stay away from her at all costs. She is like a buzzing fly around my head, and it’s easier to obey and eat silently while ignoring her presence than have her hammering down my door.If she’s trying to force normalcy back into this house, then she shouldn’t hold her breath for it to happen.“Sounds like something your mom would do.” Tyler snorts, and I am starting to see that all these years, Dane has definitely colored his friend’s view of my mom. As polite as Tyler was when he was here before, I have never actually
“Oh my god, I missed you so much.” Elisa catapults herself into my arms, almost knocking me into our pool with the enthusiasm of an over-excited puppy, then nearly strangles me to death while simultaneously crushing my ribs. Her excitement is palpable, and her hug is overdue. I regret now giving her the silent treatment for ten days before being able to find the mental strength to tell her everything in a phone call. I had no way of verbalizing things without breaking down in hysteria until last night, and I knew Tyler would have told her already, but she needed to hear it from me. I have never gone silent on my best friend in my whole life or hidden away Dane style like his, but I needed time to process and grieve. This was such a huge thing that I spent too many days crying in bed until no more tears fell. I am exhausted and now exist in some odd dreamlike reality where nothing seems real.I think I am finally spent. Tears have dried up, and instead of the constant agonizing pain of
“You have to eat, open the door. We need to talk.”“Go away…. Leave me alone.” My anger and venom have not dissipated any; instead, it grows by the hour. Irritated by my mom’s lingering presence because she just won’t leave me alone.Her whiny, pleading voice only riles fresh anger in me, and I throw my pillow at my bedroom door in frustration. Annoyed by her presence, and go back to staring at my cell, waiting for a reply that hasn’t come. I feel like I am going silently insane, and time has come to a standstill. I don’t know what else to do but sit here and wait given my entire existence has been turned upside down and my hope for any future is so far away I cannot reach him.Dane has been gone for days, yet he hasn’t called, he hasn’t texted me back, and Bryan has been silent, too, like they were sucked into some soundproofed bubble where all contact has ceased. For me, anyway. I don’t know if my mother speaks to them because I can't stomach her at all, even for a second, to have o
“Bullshit…this is bullshit. You’re lying.” Dane erupts before I can really swallow down the words that have wounded me with a sucker punch to my heart. “You’ve always hated me, and I wouldn’t put it past you to stoop this low and lie….so I break up with Kayla.” He half yells, half accuses, straining forward to get in her face, and I can taste the growing despair and anger circling him like a cyclone. “I don’t believe you.”“This isn’t true…you would have told me…dad would have….” I trail off, whimpering the words as something clicks in my head and slices through me with speed and severity, making my legs tingle, and my limbs grow weak. “Is that why? Why has he been this way towards me for the past ten years?”I don’t want to believe this or swallow it down, but it’s like something just smacked me in the head and woke up the underlying doubts.It races through my brain and thunders through my entire body like a shocking cold wall of ice. Tingling my brain through my scalp, and even my
“Mom.” Is the only word I can gasp out as I push Dane off me at speed and scramble to right my bra inside my shirt and haul my shorts back into place. Shame flushing over my entire body that we just got caught this way, and I want the ground to open and swallow me. Mortified about what they saw us doing and yet, at the same time, hitting an all-time ‘oh shit’ moment because I don’t want this to be the end. I don’t want Dane to be sent to London. I don’t want to lose him this way.I have an urge to wail and run away, taking him with me rather than face the wrath of our parents like this. My limbs are already trembling in cold fear.Dane shifts away quickly, too, to tend to his pulled-around outfit, turning away directly to probably calm the boner, causing him an obvious trouser tent, and yet it’s like time stands still. The sudden eery, heavy atmosphere and tense silence as though the world has hushed and the only noise is my mother’s subtle simpering.Our parents are standing like a f