“If you hated your dad as much as you say you do, you would be long gone… I don’t think you do. I think you want to be here and act like this, so he spends all his time and attention dealing with your bull. You’re just an angry little boy who can’t forgive him yet still wants his love.”
“Gimme a break… what are you a shrink like your mom now? Trying to psychoanalyze me?” He laughs at me, a breathy bro chuckle, and shakes his head as though I’m hilarious. Still infuriating with his hands in his pocket pose and casual lounge. “Newsflash, she sucks at her job, and you’re mini-me attempt is as sad as she is. You don’t know anything.”
“Yes, I do, and don’t talk about my mom like that. She’s an amazing doctor and does it well. She tries hard to make this work. You just…”
“No, she doesn’t. You’re as deluded as she is if you see how she is and think that is her trying to make this work.” Dane yanks his shirt from my hand, where I was unaware I was still gripping it, and steps away from me. “I had enough of this shit in there and don’t have the energy for round two. Go away, leave me alone. I’m sure you have a biology essay calling for you. I have a date, and I’m late thanks to your mom, so back off, Virgin.”
Dane’s tone is forceful with a tint of exasperation, and I know we are going round in circles. This is not the first time we have had this argument in the past months, and it turns out the same every time. He walks off. Insults me, evades it, and leaves.
“You’re a loser who is so caught up in resentment that you’re ruining your own life.” It’s my last ditch attempt to wound him, and before I storm off, his laugh cuts into the growing tension as he turns towards me but continues to walk backward.
“What about you, Little Miss Perfect? Straight A’s, class president, leader of so many mind-numbing afterschool clubs, charity volunteer, and stray animal savior…. Never give your mom a reason to complain and do everything she tells you to, like a good little puppet. Ever ask yourself why you have to be so perfect?… Could it be because you’re afraid she’ll get tired of you like she did your dad and up and leave you?”
His words cut into my chest like a knife. Winding me and pushing my eyes to mist over. He’s always known how to twist the knife in my soul.
“You don’t know me…. none of that is accurate. There’s nothing wrong with being a good kid and doing well. I want to be something with my life and not waste it the way you are.” My voice trembles, and my breathing gets raspy. Hating him for touching a nerve, even if it’s not entirely accurate.
“There is when it’s become an obsessive compulsion from fear of your mom no longer loving you. Try failing something and experiencing the panic it causes you…. We’re both screwed up, Kayla…… You’re in no position to lecture me.”
“You know nothing…. You're an idiot.”
I have no words to come back at him. Incensed at the nerve of this jerk, thinking my need to succeed in life is some sad scar inflicted by my parent's divorce. I’m not him, so caught up in old hurts that I let them rule my life. He’s so stupid.
I can’t argue with it, insult him, think of a sassy response to shut him up, and instead try to brush it off the way I do his insults by not rising to them.
“Carry on living in denial and your boring day-to-day good girl existence … I’ll continue enjoying my youth.” He smirks, dismissing me.
“The fact you are walking tells me my mom took your bike again. Don’t come crying to me tomorrow for a loan of my car again. I won’t give it to you, and you better call Tyler for rides to and from school because I’m not your chauffeur.” I sneer at him, knowing it’s the only punishment my mom can ever exact that my stepdad will support. They take his bike keys and helmets for a few days to try and teach him the consequences of his crappy attitude. He’s always soft on him and holds my mom back when, maybe, if he let her rip at him once in a while, he might grow up.
“Whatever. Look, butt out of my business, okay? We may live in the same house, and our parents may be married, but you are nothing to me but an annoying girl who should stick in her own lane. Concentrate on your own life and get out of mine.”
I want to scream at him. My skin prickles and my heart is pounding through my rib cage, so my breathing is labored while he acts cool as a cucumber. Every word out of that arrogant mouth somehow makes me always want to have the last say. To shut him up, close him down. He’s so self-absorbed.
“You think it’s that easy? Do you even know what the past ten years were like? Being questioned every day after school to check in on you. How you were, who your friends were… your grades…. were you happy? You may have avoided your dad, but I became the source of information that kept him sane because I got to see you every day at school. I don’t want to be in your life, but it’s been about you since the day they got married.” I glare hatefully. “He loves you and tries, but you aren’t worthy.” I stamp my foot “I so wannabe nothing in your life, but you’re a curse I can never get rid of.”
“Feeling’s mutual, Virgin. Go home.” He salutes me with a mock military sign, a smirk, and a chuckle as though all of this is highly amusing, even though I’m panting like I ran a marathon. Holding back a mix of fury and tears borne of frustration. I don’t know how he always affects me this way.
The flash of car headlights rounds the end of the drive and illuminates the dark area behind him, indicating his date is here, and I scowl further as he glances their way and waves a two-minute signal. I catch a glimpse of a shadowy figure, but I can’t tell who she is. Another bimbo he's banging, and that alone is enough to worsen my already foul mood. He’s a man whore loser who will spend his life living on his dad’s money and doing nothing to earn it.
“Kayla, the best thing you could do, is stay away from me … at school, at home…. Wherever you see me…. and tell them you know nothing when he asks. I never asked you to be involved. I owe you nothing. Now… go, I’m leaving.”
“Why are you cooking?” Dane startles me from behind as he walks in, dumping his school bag on the breakfast island, and looks me up and down with a slight arrogance. It makes me bristle all over, given it’s the first thing he has said to me in two days, and it’s not exactly a pleasant tone. Dressed in his uniform still, be it rumpled and untucked like always, so I guess he was at Tyler's until now as school got out two hours ago.“Mum and dad are out, and Monique has a headache, so I told her I would make us dinner,” I answer flatly, ignoring him, and continue turning the meatballs for the pasta. I am hot and sweaty from slaving in here and not in the mood for his dickishness.“Can you even cook?” He sneers, walks up, and leans over my shoulder to stare at what I am doing, getting a little too near for comfort, so his body heat envelopes me from behind, and I elbow him back. Suffocated by his presence, especially when he smells like he is freshly showered and has a new dose of afters
“Dad, can you please reply to me or call me back? It feels like I haven’t heard from you in weeks, and I’m worried about your lack of response. Please, daddy, we have a break coming up in school, and I wanted to see you….. call me back” I hang up and stare at my cell for a moment, a lump lodging in my throat as emotions rise to make my chest ache and then face it down on the table and calm myself with a deep breath. Trying not to let this get to me or show my broken disappointment.I realize Dane isn’t continuing the motion of lifting his fork or turning pages and glance up to see him watching me silently. His eyes dart away, and he drops his head back to his previous focus when he sees I noticed but doesn’t say a word. He acts like he didn’t hear me, even though I know he has before, and flicks to the next page. It embarrasses me that he sees it so clearly and silently judges me, probably calling me pathetic and a loser in his head.What does he know?He has never had to deal with th
“I printed off the class notes for each of you. Take them home, work through them and highlight anything you want to elaborate on tomorrow.” I instruct my study group, sliding out the paperclipped pages to each one, and Elisa slides half the pile from them to pass to the next table.We’re in the library on the second floor, taking our class free period as a time to catch up on biology. This is how I use any free time I get during school hours, unlike some I could mention. My entire existence is about doing well and getting the grades I need to go to Harvard when I graduate, so becoming our class president and the study group leader for our year feels like an achievement.“These are well laid out and really helpful, Kayla. Thank you.” Jordan, a boy from my class, flashes a shy smile, giving me those puppy dog eyes he sometimes has for me. I know he’s had a crush on me since junior year, but I don’t have time for boys. As nice as he is, I don’t need the distraction of dating.He's not u
“I don’t need a babysitter. Go back to class.” Dane sits opposite me in the waiting space outside the principal's office. He’s stretched out, legs across the floor between us and lounging casually with his head back against the wall behind, as though this is no big deal. He is infuriatingly cool despite his mess of a face and his dad being in there trying to save his ass. The school nurse has seen him, and it’s nothing but minor cuts and bruises, which now sports some sterile strips. What I thought was a burst-out piercing was instead a little cut after it broke out. His eyebrow is swelling, but his piercing is still there.I can’t believe I worried about this moron and waited with a nervous breath for him to come out and look absolutely fine. He has some bruising around his jaw and eye, but it’s barely anything compared to the mess Greg was in when he left. He had blood all over his collar and shirt. Dane’s bloody nose was gone after he blew it.“Your dad asked me to sit here while h
“Daddy still ignoring you?” he slides his legs to one side of mine, crosses his feet at the ankles, and gets comfy, propping his head forward to watch me with glee. I turn slightly away, cross mine, and pretend I am disinterested.“Get lost.” I pick up my textbook again to try and ignore him, hating how he always seems to be able to dig into my head and figure out the small things. From a look… For someone who seems oblivious in life, he always catches on real quick to what’s happening around us. It’s annoying. He’s either super observant or can mind-read.“Did I hit a nerve? Ouch…… you know….” He grins at me, and I know something hurtful or cutting is coming, and when it comes to my father, my heart is a fragile mess.“Don’t okay?... Just don’t.” My tone is clipped with an edge of pleading that I didn’t intend. A light waver to my words, and my eyes mist over. I don’t need a big finger pointing at my insecurity over whether my dad even loves me. Especially not from Dane.I don’t nee
A rap rap disrupts my focus on my bedroom door before it’s rudely pushed open, and Dane stands in the open space looking at me at my desk by the veranda.“Monique says to come down for food. You aren’t to eat in your room.” He tells me blankly and then pushes off from my door frame to walk off. Not waiting for a response or to see if I even heard him.I get up, drop my pen beside my notebook and laptop, and follow him out the door. Glad for the food break as I was starting to see double while working on my essay. Seeing him loitering ahead of me in the hallways as he walks at the speed of a snail back to wherever he came from, I hurry to catch up.“Move, slow ass.” I nudge him to one side with my shoulder, barely budging him as I power march up beside him to get by. Seeing as he’s taking up the center of the walkway. Thrusting myself forward to cut in front of him, yet I'm hauled mid-step with a hand on my upper arm and tugged back again, so I stumble into him.“Losers come last.” He
“Yo, virgin…?” He clears his throat, voice strained, and I glance back, seeing him getting to his feet and adjusting his shorts. A little blush on the high points of his cheekbones, but he seems to recover rapidly. He locks his gaze on mine and keeps me rooted as I walk away.“What?” I snark at him, so focused on walking while snarling his way, I walk straight into the door frame and bang my cheek, shoulder, hip, and knee simultaneously and ‘ouch’ in reaction. It’s a sharp shooting pain over the entire left side of my body that has me crumpling.“Yeah … that…. You suck at multitasking.” He laughs at me, wanders up to where I am hopping around, rubbing various sore points on my body and face, and uses his flat palm to push my head away as he passes, covering my entire cheek. I fall on my ass because of my weird posture and holding my leg up, and it only makes me rage all the more.“You’re a jerk. I hope your food chokes you.” I snort, knowing he intentionally distracted me because I wa
“Quiet now, please.” Our class professor raises his hands to bring quiet back to the chatter of our English lesson. “We have one week before break, and I know it’s agonizingly close… but you still have to work.” He turns and taps the board, highlighting random topics with his torch pen that are laid out in a numbered list. “One assignment before then… due on the last day. I want you paired off in groups of four, and we will make this a team deal where I assign you guys one topic each. A full week on nothing but this, so a little seating reshuffle before we end for the weekend. Let’s make this fun and relaxed, guys.”There’s a chorus of groans from everyone in the room, including Elisa next to me, as no one ever likes to group in for projects. Especially not pre-holiday ‘fun’ ones where the assignments are always lame. It’s always unequal pairings where certain people get stuck with the majority of work. I personally do not care, as my control freak self likes the be the one researchin
“We can go to my study…Dane, just Kayla.” She adds as though he will follow and he probably was going to, but she’s right. Something started between her and I and should be resolved that way. Dane has been shielding me too much lately because of my inability to face more drama. I need to put my big girl panties back on. Her and Dane have nothing to say to one another anyway, and he will only put her on the defensive, which I want to avoid.“I’ll be close by….just yell if you need me…… Very close by.” Dane doesn’t lower his voice; instead gets louder with his warning tone, making it obvious to my mom that he doesn’t trust her, and I pat his arm to get him to release me.I slide out of his arms and follow my mom out of the kitchen, across the hall, and into the study without looking back, even though I can feel all their eyes follow me out. Already, my insides are like a washing machine because I do not know what exactly she intends to say to me.My mom is being weirdly quiet, too, and
“You four are making me feel chronically single.” Hannah huffs, pushing the cans of soda across the breakfast bar towards Elisa as Tyler opens up some bags of chips for us to share. We have a stack of pizza boxes waiting to dive into and a plan to darken the nook to spend the day eating junk and watching movies. Dane and I are too tired for anything else and feel like we are on some emotional comedown after a month of hell.“What happened to your Korean boyfriend? That distance could not separate you from?” Dane chimes in with obvious sarcasm oozing, while leaning into me from behind to deposit the dip we made. It’s clear to me that teasing Hannah is a full-time occupation when they are in the same room. She really is like his annoying younger sister, even if she is our age.“I am devoted to Min Yoongi, but I would like to experience a present boyfriend. Someone I can touch and laugh with.” Hannah sulks slightly, clearly regretting her life choices.“I can’t imagine anyone would want
My Dad never calls me, rarely picks mine up, and never texts either. So, seeing it now, flashing so invasively on my phone is enough to make my heart thud through my chest painfully.“Do you want me to give you space to take it?” Dane interrupts my obvious inability to move, breaking the spell it’s cast over me.“No…stay!” A sense of panic grips my stomach and throat, and the sudden cold wash of nerves sobers my good mood. Instantly afraid of what he is calling me for even though, logically, I know.My mom must have called him, or Bryan, at least.Maybe he wants to clarify…I don’t even know.“Are you going to answer it or keep staring at it?” Dane interrupts the deer in the headlight motion of me holding it at half arm’s length, and I blink at it, then him, and shake my head.“Do you need me to do it?”“I don’t know.” I sound terrified. I don’t think I have it in me to answer the call. There is so much grey area when it comes to my dad. So many times I have been hurt by him that faci
“Well, this is depressing.” Dane wheels his case into his old barren bedroom, gazing around at the emptiness even though all his furniture is still there. “It feels like someone else's room.”All the personality is gone without his things in here, and it smells like a fresh, floral hotel, thanks to Monique. His art, posters, pictures, trinkets and books are all gone, leaving empty walls, shelves, and surfaces where he used to have such an array of masculine things, more so after he moved in here permanently and brought it all from his mom’s house.“Imagine how it made me feel watching it get this way….you’re an ass.” I throw him a mock glare and get a kiss blown back at me.“I wanted you to miss me.” He winks and goes back to his case. In a happy mood ever since we started packing to come here.I gaze around, infected by his happiness, and yet sigh at the memories of being in here without him.Even the lack of his laundry tossed on the floor somehow makes this place impersonal. The be
“There’s a lot that this test result will change….I know now is probably not the best time to talk about where we go from here. You probably need to process it the same way we did, but I want you to know….I'm not going back to the UK. I’ll sort it out myself. Enroll back in school, find somewhere to stay, maybe with Tyler….” Dane sounds so far removed from the immature rebel of months ago who was forever making my life hell and living stupidly. He sounds like this experience has aged him so much.He has a sensible head on, his eyes set on the future and he’s not reacting one ounce to my mom. It’s like she no longer has any affect on him.“You’ll move back home, there is no argument in that. I’ll call the school and arrange for you to go in and re-enroll. I’ll call your mom and explain things. Don’t worry about anything. I told you, didn’t I… always your home and whenever you wanted to come back.”For being the fragile one here, Bryan seems to be the one most resigned and okay with thi
“Wait.” I tug Dane back by the hand he’s interlaced in mine, so he stops abruptly near Bryan’s room door, and I pull him to turn to me. Panick is overtaking my soul now we’re close to actually doing this. Walking in here it’s been growing inside of me like a building storm.All my bravado and anger have dissipated because I am so over trauma and tears in my life that I want to avoid any more conflict and run to hide instead. I think I have reached a point of fragility that my emotions don’t want to take anymore.My nerves are bubbling over, my heart is racing, and I'm swinging between cold and hot sweats that have my entire body flushed and trembling. I’m genuinely scared even though my mom is the one who should be.There is no more fight left in me. Not when the possibility of Dane being ripped away from me a second time is all too real, and that thought terrifies me more now I have lived it once. I can’t do that again. I won’t survive.“It’s going to be okay, I promise. We do this a
“Like what?” Hannah squeaks in outrage, crossing her arms on the table to lean in and peer at him, that he might be dissing the man of her dreams or her favorite band. Finding insult in that but nothing else he had said before this.“Your face,” Dane snaps back at her before flicking her in the forehead and pushing her back again.“Ughh.. See… Why is he like this? Is this what you put up with? How can you date him when he’s so awful?” Hannah throws her hands up in frustration, and yet all of this only makes me relax about what kind of relationship they had. If Elisa wasn't so feeble and gentle, I know this is how they would act together. At times, there are glimpses of it, but Elisa is too good-natured and cannot sass. There’s nothing in it.I can see the dynamic slowly opening up between them. She’s like an unwanted younger sibling he both doesn’t like but also does but is forced to take out with him. Annoyed by her presence, but I can tell they also have a sense of relaxed and comf
“You look nervous. Relax….What are you scared of?” Dane brushes my hair from my face for the third time, running a finger down my cheek before leaning in and pecking me lightly on the lips. Igniting the same burst of internal flutters, he always gives me, and a layer of warmth. Suddenly, in my world, everything feels right again, just having him by my side, but I still cannot escape this constant gnawing feeling in the pit of my stomach.“Every time I have seen this girl, I was a bitch to her….I’m still not ok with the fact you spent the last month with her while ignoring me.” Try as hard as I might, I cannot quench the sense of nausea and dread while sitting here waiting for her to show up. “I feel weird meeting her this way and under these circumstances.”I should never have agreed to this.It’s a clean, bright diner near the hotel they are staying at and the hospital, so we intend to stay here until we’re ready to face our parents and work out a game plan. Hannah is a formality I
“Deal…. I want my boyfriend back how he was. I don’t want to remember any of this shitty separation. Can we get back together?” I ask stupidly even though it’s obvious we are already making up. I just need him to say the words to help with the insecurity I am feleing after how cold he was. “I want my boyfriend back.”“Technically, babycakes, we never broke up. Neither of us said the words so we don’t need to get back together. He shrugs like this is the most logical thing ever, and I lean back to scowl at him.He does not get out of his asshole past four weeks that easily. The boy really is trying to pull a fast one.“Really?” I ask in obvious, oozing sarcasm. “Because I remember clearly a certain boy telling me he was going no contact and not coming back from the UK before he blocked me on absolutely everything….that was a very final break up even if you never said ‘the words.’ You can’t be in a relationship with someone who moved abroad and refuses to communicate with you.” I point