A deep hole inside me

Carrie

No, no, no. No.

That can’t be right.

“Carrie?” I looked up at my Dad, my mind in jeopardy. “When did you and Frank get intimate? Why don’t you want to get married then?”

Uh? Intimate? Frank?

Wh-What is my old man talking about?

My father must have sensed that I was not ready to give him a response, so he faced Frank who had been busy pressing his phone with rigour until the news bomb was dropped.

“Frank...” As my Father called the man, my eyes that were squinted out of fear darted in the his direction. “You never told me you and Carrie finally hit it off.”

“Hit what off?”

Oh my. My dad is going to lose it soon. Oh, I am eternally doomed.

Excitedly, my father replied to Frank, saying, “Didn’t you hear? Carrie is pregnant.” His dark eyes shined brighter than they ever have and the happiness my father was displaying made him look pitiful. “Frank, this calls for celebration. This is-”

“Sir…” An air of darkness overpowered Frank’s stance. Before he continued, his eyes met mine, he jerked his brows in question and while I held his gaze, I could feel my inner soul crumbling so much that I ground my teeth to keep myself sane. “Your daughter and I have never gotten intimate. In fact, until this moment, I never knew what she looked like in person.”

Oh, my sweet Lord. I am done for.

“Wh-What?” I could sense my father’s anger building up. But when he turned to face me and I saw that the fury had overpowered his face, I almost let out a cry. That urge to cry intensified when he called me, a strain in his voice to show his pain. “C-Carrie… What is the meaning of this?”

“Dad...”

“Carrie, how?”

“Dad I...”

“That night...” His fingers ticked as he reluctantly gathered his words. “Th-That night you ran away, what happened?”

“Dad I...”

“Carrie... Tell me, what happened?” His demand was strong, my soul felt more tremor.

“I uh...” I gulped while my legs cautiously began to take small steps backwards. “I met this man and we uh... I uh...”

“You had sex with a stranger.” My father had a sarcastic smile on his thin lips. “Carrie!” I jolted. “You were going to get married, but what? You went to have sex with a stranger.” He laughed hard and my heart squeezed.

“Dad...”

He stopped me with his hand. “Now you are pregnant. Pregnant, Carrie!” I jolted again. “Pregnant. My daughter is fucking pregnant.” Despite the strength in his voice, I could read my father’s sorrow. I could see how the sides of his eyes wrinkled occasionally to pinch his tears away. My actions have finally broken my father’s heart and now… I have finally broken my soul.

“Dad...” Everyone in the room planted their eyes on me. They were waiting for my excuse, for me to clear the issue on ground. But that’s the issue. There’s nothing to clear.

If by a tiny chance, the hospital result isn’t fabricated, then I am indeed pregnant.

But what kind of stupid girl am I? If I was going to forget to use contraceptives, I should have let that gorgeous stranger do things his way.

Argh! Fuck, fuck, fuck!

I am so stupid.

Straightening his depressed back, my father exhaled loudly and dragged me out of my chaotic thoughts as he said, “This is the last straw, Carrie, Now you have to do things my way.”

“Dad?” I knew within me that his upcoming words wouldn’t be something I would like in any way. But I have brought this terrible moment upon myself.

“I am going to give you two options to choose from, Carrie. You either find the man responsible for this pregnancy and when you do, have him take care of you.” My mouth fell open. “Or get married to Frank now, with or without the pregnancy.”

“But Dad...”

“I am giving you a week to find this man. Once that window is over and you have nothing, I am marrying you off. You are not a daughter I want to see around.”

“But how do you expect me to find him? I don’t even know-”

“Steve, take Carrie to the hospital and do another pregnancy test to be sure.” My father had already reached the stage where he never listens to whatever anyone says. Never.

So I knew. I knew that my father’s back had turned on me. He just needed to nail the coffin he has set up and soon, I will become nothing in his eyes.

The mere thought of becoming a stranger in my father’s eyes made my heart tug in a way it had never done before. Biting into my lower lip, while trying to fight my tears, I was considering getting down on my knees to beg him when his voice filled the room again.

“Carrie.” My head came up. “If you are truly pregnant, you know what to do. You have two choices.”

“Dad please...”

A few steps forward, and my Dad was standing very close to me, his eyes peering deeply into mine. “I am very disappointed in you, Carrie. Very disappointed.”

The cry I had been trying to stifle dropped from my lips and my heart felt a million weights dragging it to the depth of a dark hole inside me. My heart broke so much that my knees refused to function well.

So, slowly, I dropped onto the cold floor and as I did, my eyes fell on Frank, who didn’t spare me a lengthy glance.

As my father walked out, he followed. And soon, the room was empty and all I could hear in my head was my father telling me that he was disappointed.

My father has never said that to me. Not once. Not even when I exhibited the most mischievous acts. Not even when he had to save me from the deepest of troubles.

Well, it seems this moment is the deepest of my troubles. Staring at the tiled floor, I placed a hand on my stomach which was supposedly housing another soul. Then, I wondered how things were going to be like from then on.

I sighed deeply at that question. Because things are definitely not going to be good.

---

~~~

Another test revealed that I was truly pregnant.

Ha ha.

The universe is trying hard to play a fast one on me. Because, with my father’s laid down options, I am already in a tight spot and there is no possible way I can find Alessandro.

But that doesn’t mean I am not willing to search for Alessandro. I will even hunt him down if necessary. I will stalk him until I find him because I desperately don’t want to get married to Frank.

But one week is barely enough to find the man whose baby is growing inside me.

But, as I said, I am willing to search for him. And that’s why I am presently staring at the tallness of the hotel he took me to. So, now, I have to hope that he is there.

“Do you think you will find him there?” Gary broke into my thoughts. He was wearing the look of pity everyone but my father has been throwing my way since they heard of my situation.

“I hope I do. How is it going with the search?” Gary was carrying out his own search. It is a long process, but it is likely to be fruitful at the end of the year.

“Trust me, Carrie. There are thousands of Alessandro and we are yet to go through a quarter of the list.”

My lips formed a smear, my hand went to my belly and the thought that I was pregnant befell me.

Alongside the pity everyone carried, I could decipher their question of whether or not I would keep the baby.

Truthfully, I will keep the baby.

I am aware that it is nearly impossible to find Alessandro within a week, especially if he no longer stays in the hotel. So, if I am to get married to Frank, I will need a companion and that will be the baby inside me.

At least, a kind of genuine love will exist between my baby and me and maybe I will learn how to become a better person.

Seconds later, I pulled out of my thoughts. After taking a deep sigh, I faced my bodyguard and appreciated him for helping me. Soon, I got down from the vehicle and approached the huge building which looked a bit different in my eyes. Well, maybe that’s because it was nighttime the first time I got a view of the building.

With further haste, I went to the reception and approached the front desk.

“Hi.”

The tall lady with her hair in an adorable bob raised her head from the computer system in front of her. “Good day, ma’am. How may I help you?”

“Uh... I am looking for someone. About four weeks ago, I came with him to this hotel and I need to check if he is still around.”

“Can I know his name?”

“Alessandro Something. I don’t know his full name.”

For a second, she gave me a questioning look. “Do you remember the room he lodged in?”

“I believe it was 305.” I should credit my brain for being active at a time like this.

“Okay...” The keyboard at the base of her fingers sang as she rapidly inputted something. “Uh... That should be Mr. Alessandro Valante you are asking of.”

A little shrug came from me as I said, “I guess. Is he still around?”

“Unfortunately, he signed out last week.” Oh no. “But he left a couple of complimentary cards with us in case someone came looking for him.”

“Yes, please. I would like that.” Maybe I have some hope after all.

She reached for one of the small glass boxes laid on the polished wooden bar and handed me one of the cards inside it. “That is his office location. Maybe you will find him there.”

“Oh, thank you.”

“You are welcome.” As I turned to help myself out, I felt a little ache in my legs which caused me to quickly grip the edge of the table before I could reach the floor. “Are you okay?” she asked with concern.

“Yeah...” Repeated and loud exhales escaped me as I waited for the pain to subside. When it did, I faced the woman with a smile and said, “I guess I am a little tired.”

“Do take care of yourself, please.” In this trying time I have found myself, her words made me feel warm, even if for a moment. So I appreciated her.

And, when I was sure that I wasn’t going to crash onto the floor, I walked out, my eyes intently studying the card in my hand.

Looking at the card made a flicker of hope grow inside me because it looked as though I would get a chance to avoid the greatest punishment of all time.