Dam Broke

Ulo

Sometimes, I wondered if my temperament was a curse. Growing up, I had always been the most quiet of my friends, even more quiet than Indrik who had the most right to be quiet amongst all of us. Not so comfortable with people, I found it more comfortable to be in the company of books and weapons. Those did not seem so complicated. With books, I could easily travel into worlds where I had a measure of control. With weapons, I could focus on my weaknesses and home them into strengths. As long as I trained hard and well enough, I was certain to be good enough some day. This was not the same with humans. I could spend an entire year studying humans only to fall flat again as they brought up a side of them that I never knew existed. Books had their own twists and turns as well but at least, those had a resolution. Humans never did. They always seemed to manufacture a thousand more problems for every single one that you manufactured.

Hearing Blaire's voice at Jamil's door, I had jumped out of bed and opened the door slightly so I could get a look at her. I noticed Jamil standing before her in nothing other than a trouser. I wondered how he managed to do that without feeling uncomfortable. I couldn't even do that in my wildest imaginations without passing out cold from panic. Hearing her tell Jamil to come inform me about the meeting, my heart had dropped to the pit of my stomach. I had been hoping that she would come so we could reach a settlement of sorts. It would seem that was not to be.

My mind travelled back to what had taken place last night. Before the fiasco in the woods that is. I recalled how I had seen her sitting on the swing and thought about going to meet her. I thought about throwing my arms around her and saying some cool guy stuff like Jamil would say which would then get her smiling at him but the mere thought of it nearly sent me crumbling to my knees in fear. Instead, I had returned to my room and gotten a blue cloth which I had brought to her. My wild imagination had worked up a scene of me handing her the cloth and getting invited to sit down beside her as we shared stories about our day and stared at the moon. Of course, none of that happened. Instead, I had discovered that I was intruding on her private moment, seen her cry ended up kicked to the curb. Truth is, when Jamil had brought her along with him later, I had not been angry at her, instead, I had been angry with myself for daring to hope that any world that was not metal or papyrus would accept me. When I had been snapping at her, I had been snapping at myself instead for being so inadequate, for not being more like Jamil who could get her out of her chair and make her come on a run with us. I had been snapping to prevent myself from bursting into tears and making an even bigger fool of myself. I had been unable to live with my failure, until we had started running that is. While running, I get this sense of being able to outrun my endless problems. With each pounding of my feet against the earth, I can convince myself to believe that I am shedding an extra weight of problems, leaving them behind in the space I have left behind. It becomes even more fun when done with friends. I had finally began to have a good time when we had run into those pests. I shook my head, dispelling the thought before it could ruin my mood even further.

I realized that I had been staring at Blaire's wake and peeled off my eyes, turning toward Jamil instead. My cheeks suddenly felt hot as I realized that he had caught me staring. I groaned silently, knowing that I had just shown myself up as inadequate yet again. Would someone like Jamil ever trace a lady with his eyes like that, like he was a creep? The answer was no.

With this thought in mind, his question about me hearing about the information she brought seemed like rubbing salt into my wound, like he was reminding me of how big a creep and a spy I was. Frustrated, I had slammed the door with a "whatever."

Inside my room, I had tried not to think about my shortcomings as I prepared for the meeting with the Beta, my father. I preferred to not think about him as my father because one, it made me feel overwhelmed, having to constantly live in the shadow of my father who was the paramount leader of the pack, for now at least and two, because thinking about that made me think of how much of a disappointment I was.

Finally ready, I picked up my sword in time to come face to face with Jamil. "Hey bud!" He waved, beaming wide.

I gritted my teeth as I wondered why something like that could not come to me as easily. Had he not greeted me, I would have just walked past him. My life sucked.

We caught up to Blaire and I tried to speak to her. I really did but my tongue seemed to have become glued to the roof of my mouth. Instead of a word, all that came out was a scowl. I blinked as I tried to hold back my tears as I thought about who I had offended to deserve this kind of fate. As always, Jamil was the one who stepped in to clear the air between us.

"Ulo, meet Blaire. Blaire meet Ulo. You mind shaking hands?"

I sneaked a look at Blaire and yes, she was cracking a tiny smile. That was when the dam broke.