CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE

CLOSURE

May 19, 2021

FINN

“Zack--” I tried to approach him when Santi left but before I could even put my hand on his shoulder he quickly raised his hands to stop me.

“I don’t want to talk. Just not now.” He muttered, he didn’t look at me, instead he started trudging towards the stairs.

“Zack let’s just--” Gabby tried to call him too but I immediately gave him a look that made him fall silent.

That’s when I realize that I am being surrounded by people, specifically Santi’s troops snickering and shaking their heads at me as a mockery. I just stared at them in return before they decided that it was time to go back to their own business. Gabby and I were both left alone.

Gabby as if on cue, he instantly rushed towards me, “Finn, are you okay? I don’t understand what just happened, as if--” I told him to catch his breath first to calm himself down. He looks more paranoid than worried.

“It’s fine, Gab. It’s just a misunderstanding.” I ran my fingers in my hair trying to fix it, I fished my handkerchief in my pocket and wiped the sweat in my forehead.

“But why would Chloe scream at you like that?” He whispered in disbelief, his eyes looking at the floor for a second before giving his attention back to me, “Did you do something wrong to her?” He added.

I shut my eyes and heaved a deep sigh as I collected and soothe myself, “I didn’t do anything, Gabby. There’s no need to worry, Santi just misunderstood the situation earlier.” I composedly said and gave him a smile for assurance. But the frown on his face didn’t disappear.

“Then just tell me what you and Chloe talked about for her to burst out like a volcano.” He eagerly said.

I pat his shoulder, “You know what? Why won’t you just rest for a while? You’re drunk and we’re going to leave sooner.”

He shook his head, “I’m having a blast with Zack and Julius until we heard the commotion. Then--”

“Where’s Julius?” I suddenly asked when I never saw the face of Julius in the crowd.

Gabby furrowed his eyebrows when he turned around, “I think we left him in the dining room, but I thought he followed us. We all panicked and rushed here that I was completely unaware of my surroundings.”

He seems to forget what he asked me, so I decided to go through. “Then you should go back, maybe he’s still drinking in the dining room.” I suggested.

He looked at me and narrowed his eyes, “Are you saying that he doesn’t give a damn on your commotion? Bro, that was tremendously loud.” He exclaimed.

I chuckled, “Just go back and accompany Julius, all right? Or you should both just stop and have some rest.”

He sighed in defeat, “Just remember that we’re gonna talk about this later. You promise.” He said pointing his index finger at me.

I just nodded, shooing him away, “I’m not going to forget.”

--

LIZZIE

Finally the commotion inside has stopped. I remained glued to the cold bench outside, just looking up at the gloomy sky with no traces of stars. It’s cold, which is weird since it’s summer, I think it might rain later or tomorrow.

I admit, I was curious when Chloe screams and is followed by the clamoring yells of Santi. I’ve got goosebumps everywhere on my skin. As if I was hearing a kid being possessed by some kind of dark entity. Their voices are too loud but never in my mind have I thought about entering that house in the middle of commotion. It’s like putting myself in hell by getting their attention, especially Santi.

I was out here for about an hour now. It’s true that I called my daughter, but the other reason why I skipped the party is because I want some space to calm the thoughts inside my head. The jumbled words bouncing up and down in my head are all from my husband Grey, and Santi.

I sighed as I looked down on my feet remembering the awful things Grey told me, even the old ones. Because once a person judges and tells you things that you know aren’t true, it’ll forever leave a mark on your chest. And that’s what Grey keeps on doing to me. I don’t even know if he still views me as a human, sure, he doesn’t hurt me physically. But his words and judgments hurt like stabs of dagger behind my back. It hurts more whenever I hear it from him, because it shouldn’t be coming from his mouth. He’s my husband, and we promised to take care of each other for better and for worse. But why does it feel like I am the only one keeping that promise?

And Santi… because of how he viewed me, it triggers all the bad things that my husband has kept on telling me. That I am ugly, a hoe, a bad mother, and a worthless human being. It’s funny that just a simple judgment from a person you just met will affect you more, and it feels like death by a thousand cuts.

Although I know that I shouldn’t let myself be affected by their hurtful words, I still couldn’t stop myself from overthinking about it.

I jerked a little when I felt a warm soft fabric giving me warmth followed by someone sitting next to me. 

My jaw dropped but I pursed  my lips immediately before Finn even noticed me stunned by his sudden action and appearance beside me. He is just staring up at the sky with a smile on his lips. My eyes fell on his sweater that he put on me.

“I think it’s going to rain.” He muttered while still looking up at the sky.

I am filled with confusion as I moistened my lips, clutching his sweater that embraces my body, but when I was about to give it back to him, he quickly turned at me pressing his palm on mine stopping me from taking it out.

“Uh… it’s cold, it’ll keep you warm.” He said, when he realized that he was still holding my hand he immediately grabbed his away and looked back at the sky.

I couldn’t help but to stare at his face. Years have already passed, and we are not teens anymore, but his face still looks younger than his age. His appearance never changed, he just got even more attractive. Just like his good natured personality. 

I secretly smiled thinking about Finn. He’s handsome, mature, smart, goal-oriented, a good listener, and a responsible person. And maybe I have forgotten to mention more of his good qualities. It’s true that almost all of my ideal type of my future husband is in him. 

I smiled even more as I thought about how right I am to leave him behind. Because he doesn’t deserve someone like me. Finn wouldn’t achieve all his goals today if I am still with him. At last, there’s one right thing I made in my life. The only mistake I did, was not giving him a proper break up.

As I hold tighter on his soft sweater, for the first time in a very long years, I’ve mustered all the courage to talk with Finn again. But this time I don’t feel any nervousness and regrets. It maybe the most stupid thing to say, but at this time everything is just intact. Maybe it’s because of his presence. First time in a while, I feel comfortable around him.

“Yeah, I think so too.” I replied and followed his stares in the sky. 

We just stayed silent for almost fifteen minutes while looking at the sky. But the silence is surprisingly comfortable. Until he clears his throat and I prepare myself for whatever he’ll say.

“How are you?” He said in a faint voice.

I nodded in the air with still a smile on my lips. “Still the same.” I simply answered. 

At first I felt like asking about the commotion inside but I felt like it would just ruin the mood.

“How about you?” I asked back, it seems like yesterday I was just thinking excuses to on how to avoid having conversation with Finn. But now, I really have the courage to talk with him. And I feel like this is also the time to fix the broken things we left behind us.

“I’m sorry.” I was surprised when he suddenly apologized. Because of that, I couldn’t help but to look at him and never expected that he was already staring back at me.

“I’m sorry if I disturbed your quality time with yourself. I just need to get some air, it’s suffocating inside.” He coolly said and chuckled a bit while he’s looking at the empty bottle of beer that is sitting beside me.

“Oh…” I muttered, because I thought he meant something else. I sheepishly smiled to cover up the awkward response of my reaction.

“No, i-it’s fine… you’re not a bother.” I stuttered badly. And now the comfort of his presence is starting to fade away because of my awkwardness.

“But seriously, Liz. I’m sorry.” He mumbled as he looked down on the ground.

I bit my lower lip and closed my eyes for a second because I couldn’t feel the cold breeze anymore but only the hot temperature caused by his apology. This is the scene I am avoiding to happen whenever I see Finn. But this time, I didn’t step back, because I thought that this could be the time for me to be brave and to stand up for the things I’ve done wrong to him.

“There’s nothing you should apologize for, Finn. You didn’t do anything wrong.”

I saw him shake his head, “No. I’ve heard about the infidelity of your husband, it’s been circulating around our peers. I didn’t mean to interfere. But…” He paused, “I am just angry at Grey. He shouldn’t have done that do you, you didn’t deserve to be treated--”

I cut him off, “Finn, are you just telling me that because you feel sorry for what happened to me? Especially to my failing marriage?” I couldn’t prevent myself from raising my voice. It’s just that, the things he said offended me.

He suddenly turned to me and I saw pure sincerity in his eyes, “No. Because if I never stopped pursuing you back then maybe you are not in your current situation. Because you deserved better Lizzie.”

My lips trembled as I began shaking my head, preventing my tears from falling. “No Finn, you made the right choice. I was the one who wronged you, I left you hanging in the air when my parents forced me with Grey. And I regret saying this to you, because I don’t want you to hear this from me, but...” I heaved a deep sigh before continuing, “I became a fool, because I never expected that I'd fall in love with him--when we were still together.” I hiccuped hard after I said those lines.

Finn turned to his side, not wanting to face me anymore. It’s been years and it’s the first time that he’ll hear the truth from me and not from someone else, this time. I know that I’ve hurt his feelings and shattered him to pieces for the second time. And I regret everything that I’ve done to him.

We were almost perfect together, we both dream of reaching our dreams together. But life sucks and the people around us. Because we were both poor, and my family is so tired of our life cycle. I couldn’t continue nursing because we were so broke, and Grey was the only person there with me.

Grey was one of our classmates back in highschool. I admit he wasn’t my type, because he sometimes annoyed me with his sort of bad boy and arrogant approach, but when everything fell down in my life. Grey was always there to save me. Even when he came from a wealthy family, he still visited me everyday in our shabby house just to know how I do.

While Finn was always busy, he was working while studying, he was always out of my days since he’s working so hard to provide for his family. But I don’t have anything against that. I just can’t help but to feel lonely sometimes. And I don’t have anyone to tell all of my problems to, I don’t want to add weight to Finn, he already had enough in their household. So when Grey was there to listen to my problems, I found myself slowly falling in love with him.

Until my parents took a liking to Grey--they wanted me for him. At that point, I was contemplating. I know I was such a wreck, since I am aware that even when Finn was always away we’re still together. I just can’t open up with him that I would stop college, because if I said it to him, he wouldn’t hesitate to help me fund my degree. And it only meant overworking himself even more.

Finn and the others know Grey too. But they didn’t like his attitude and I did too. But when Grey was with me those times, he changed--or maybe he just put on a mask of a good boy. I wasn’t thinking right, and maybe also because of my parents pushing, I gave in. I was so stupid, I know. And until now I’m still the same gullible girl.

My tears finally fell down continuously when I remembered hiding myself from him. I let my mother push Finn away, she told him that I don’t love him anymore. They didn’t want Finn for me because we were exactly the same, and my parents don’t want me to just stay in poverty forever the way they’re experiencing. And maybe my family are leeches too, they only wanted Grey for me because of his money and he can fund my studies.

But in all honesty, I am all to blame too, because I let my mother push Finn away. And let myself fall deeper to Grey. That turned to disaster because both of our family who were friends since before we even got born, started to hate each other. Until Grey helped us move out from the dirt to a big house and subdivision. And he promised me that once we both finished college he’ll marry me. Which he did, but he broke lots of promises and one of them is not treating me right.

“I’m sorry Finn.” I sobbed, “I really do, but at that time, all I thought I had was Grey. I’m sorry because I hid and avoided all of you and moved out without telling you or even giving you your rights to know my reasons. Sorry for not giving you the closure you deserve.” I gasped as I started to wipe my tears away.

“I’m sorry for everything, especially for hurting you and for choosing Grey until now, and for loving him more than I did to you.” I said in courage. I may have been hurting him too much. But if this will be our last conversation, I’ll accept it. But at least, I finally let him know all my reasons and finally, admitted all my mistakes to him.

“Do you still love him?” He whispered, he’s still not looking at me.

I nodded, “Yes.” I foolishly said. I hope I don’t Finn, I truly wish I didn’t love a man like him.

“Even when he doesn’t treat you right? And just always hurting you?” His voice is starting to get shaky. And I know he couldn’t believe how foolish I am.

“Yes.” I admitted.

I thought he would yell at me and say that I am so stupid or tell me when will I ever wake up to my insanity. But what he did next definitely shocked me.

Finn suddenly pulled me in a tight hug. I felt his warm breath in my nape and from that moment I knew that he’s crying, but he’s still the same old Finn who doesn’t want someone to see him cry. I found myself hugging him back and just listening to his sobs as I stroke his back continuously.

“Then, I’ll be happy for you, Lizzie.” He said, “I just wish that someday you’ll find the best for you and will stop settling for less.” I felt a pang in my chest when his voice cracked when he said those words.

“Sorry…” The only word I mustered to say.

“Don’t. I just want your reasons, and thank you for finally telling those to me. And just know that I understand you, it wasn’t your fault to love him more than you did to me.” He reasoned, but I know that he was just saying those to conceal the pain inside of me.

“No Finn--”

“Shh… let’s just let them fly away.” He stroked my hair before letting me go.

He bowed down as he wiped his tears away before turning back at me with a smile on her face. “Do whatever you want, Lizzie.” I was about to apologize again when he cut me off, “I already forgave you years ago. I was just filled with regrets because I gave up on you.” 

“But it was all my decision to leave you.”

“I know.” He paused, “And I think it’s time to leave the past behind.” He beamed at me, but I noticed that his smile didn’t reach his eyes.

He doesn’t want me to continue talking anymore. Even when years have passed, he was still the old Finn who kept all his emotions to himself. But I know that he wasn’t okay for what I did to him. But I just remained silent as I gave a faint smile.

He suddenly lent his hand to me, I was confused by his actions at first but I still reached his hand until he shook it. “We’ll always be friends, Lizzie. We made a pact with the others, we broke the first rule which is not to date the other friend in the group.” He chuckled, “So let’s not break the last rule.”

I nodded, “Friends. Always.” I muttered.

I wish that it was true, but I know Finn. After this day or maybe after the reunion, he won’t reach out to me again. He wasn’t okay, I just hope that he’ll get past it.

I loved you Finn, that’s true. But this is the end of our chapter.