Chapter 5

MARIA

“ Sister Maria Salvatore, after serious deliberation by the Senior Sisters of the order, I’m pitiful to say, but you have been excommunicated from the order of The Most Holy annunciation, on the footings of unchastity and debauchery which has led to you becoming unwantedly up the duff. On that note, you are advised to leave the Convent as soon as possible.” Mother superior's voice boomed.

My whole body froze. My legs stiffened and my heart halted pulsing. Sizzling tears filed out from my eyes, flowing freely on my face. My lips quivered tremendously as the words kept resounding over and over in my head. I closed my eyes and pressed out more tears with a heavy sigh.

I flipped my eyes open and watched as the four senior sisters of the order who sat lined together with Mother Superior seated in the middle. They all stood up at the same time and walked out of the consultation room. I sniffled and ceased my breath before releasing it furiously with more tears rolling out of my eyes. My dream, my aspiration, my goal, all lost!

I tottered sideways with my legs unable to carry me. I will be right to say I had a momentary stroke at that point. Flashbacks of how I joined the convent and ny vows flashed in my head.I finally crumbled on the floor with my legs curved to the back from my knees. Sweat and tears mixed together. I just knew it was going to come to this but then I still couldn’t open up and say the truth about what truly happened.

The night it was found out that I was pregnant, Abbess called me privately and asked me what really happened and why, but I just could not bring myself to telling her that I was raped. The stigma. The discrimination. I just could not see myself handling it from fellow sisters of the order and others. As much as she persisted and pressured that I tell her the truth, I said nothing. I was all mute and broken, unable to even defend myself. It was known to everyone that I was loose.

That same night, I could hear whispers from my fellow sisters that the great Maria, the nicknamed mother of God, who claimed to be all holy and reserved, had indeed shown her true colors. I wished they knew the truth to it, but I just could not say. I had to live with the silent insults. I had the urge and temptation to curse the man who put me in this situation, the man who put me in the family way, but I just couldn’t do it. I am a Christian and I knew that even though it is hard in some moments, we still have to forgive.

I stood up from the floor still battered and ragged. I walked silently on the pathway to my room with my head lowered. I could feel the eyes of the other sisters prying on me. The disdain in their stares.I continued walking with my head bowed down till I got to my room. I looked around and with little hesitation, I started packing up my things.

I was done packing. I literally cried half the time. I took a last stare at my room and sighed heavily before I walked out of the room with my gray duffel bag in my right hand and a small black barrel bag in the left. As soon as I opened the door of my room, I met Sister Calista, my best friend here. She stared at me with tears and grief encased in her eyes. Without a word, she quickly hugged me tightly and warmly with her hands wrapped wholly around me.

She gawked at me after the hug. Her lips quivered and I could see the urge in her to want to talk, but she shouldn’t. Her emotions could not allow her to use her mouth, only tears gushed out from her eyes which dropped to her tunic.

“It’s fine Calista. Just stay fine” I said trying to hold my tears back. My throat was sore and thick. I gulped down saliva and quickly walked away, slowly detaching our intertwined fingers. I shifted my gaze away not to meet her eyes. My heart is broken. I have never felt this hurt ever in my life.

I walked through the corridor pathway and stopped right in the middle of the circular convent building. I intently spin and stare at the building gently, memories of how I have lived here for half a decade. The memories were so vivid in my head. I grabbed my bags firmly whilst other sisters stared at me from a slight distance. My eyes meet with Mother Superior who gave me a stern look but I can see the break in her eyes.

That day was supposed to be the day I took my perpetual vows, but rather I was sent away perpetually. I closed my eyes and gasped. I walk out of the convent with my head bowed low with words of curses on my lips for the one person that brought me this shame and took my dream away from me. The next thing on my mind was how I was going to face my family.

***

I clicked the doorbell with my shaky hand. I was tensed but I had no other place to go. I heard footsteps towards me from inside. The more it got closer the more my heart also broke my rib cage. The door slowly opened with a slight creaking sound.

“Maria…?” My mom whispered with her face contorted in shock. Her eyes pulled to the extreme edges.

“Madre” I spit in humility.

I remembered at that moment how I used the same door to elope to the convent and promised myself never to come back to this life. I promised myself to start a new life with God but there I was.

My mom quickly grabbed and hugged me as though her whole life depended on the hug. Tears flowed from her orbs and splashed my top.

I walked into the house with mom and the next person I saw was Matteo. He was my personal guard when I lived there. I could only imagine what my Papà did to him when they found out I was nowhere to be found. His smile at me was bitter with curved eyebrows.

The next person I saw was Papà. He gave me a cold look.

“Papa!” I called out with the ounce of courage left in me.

I attempted talking to him but he walked away. I didn’t even push further because I knew what he was capable of. The beatings I got from him as a child were still fresh in my head. He laid his hand at every little provocation. If I had somewhere else to go, I wouldn’t have returned back to this life of misery.

I climbed to the stairs with Matteo behind me. He said no word to me but just walked behind me with a hardened scowl while robed in his black suit.

I finally reached my room. Everything happened so quickly. Mammà would have followed me upstairs but I saw the look Papà gave her. It was all my fault, I knew.

“Where is Elena?” I asked Matteo as I stepped into the room. I hadn’t seen my sister since I came and that was strange.

He stared at me and didn't say a word. He didn’t even quiver. He just gawked at me mutely. I slowly walked into the room without any further talks.

My memories flashed back into my head. There were no special moments in this house. The life of being the child of a Capo wasn’t pleasant. Watching your father always return with blood stains all over him. I was restricted on things to do and things not to do. I couldn’t even attend normal schools due to the fear of the opposition. I had no friends. Living life with the fear that someday, I would be killed just like my father killed others. It was traumatic. The only friend I had was Elena, my younger sister. The crown it up, I was hated by Papà because I am a girl child. He tried his best to get a male child but couldn’t. He frustrated Mamma even more and the hurt was enormous for me to bear. I still had marks of beatings I got from him on my back.

Hours passed after I returned but I sat traumatic on the bed in the clothes I came in. I froze up like ice and flickered around. I reminisced on my rape. I couldn’t get the tattoo he had off my head. The second thing was how I was going to tell my family that I was molested. One thing was certain, Papà wouldn’t rest till he found the culprit and butcher him like a cow.

All of a sudden, my door flew open, banging on the other side. I gasped and stared at the door. It was Father. His look was dead and his eyes bitter. He glared at me angrily. The next thing my eyes caught was a pistol in his right hand with his index finger ready to click the trigger. My heart died…