CHAPTER 3

Mother had suggested that I spend a few more days in the hospital so I would be able to recuperate and possibly stay away from any judgmental and pitiful looks I might likely attract in the neighborhood. My neighborhood isn’t a really pleasant one, and I’m sure I’ll be the topic of gossip for some months.

While at the hospital, I managed to relax and feel a little better. I didn’t forget my ordeal, but I was able to accept that Felix and I weren’t meant to be after all.

“Now, I just have to get better and move on with my life,” I thought, gazing out the window at the scene of a newly born baby and his family taking a picture with some nurses in the garden. The mother of the child seemed really excited because her face was lit up with a contagious smile. 

“I hope to have a baby, somebody,” I said with a dry smile as I made my way out of the room to go look for my mother.

She had initially told me she was going to see the doctor earlier, and her absence was longer than expected. Even when I felt too weak to walk down there, I was determined to go find out what was going on. Something about her and the doctor seemed off.

I wasn’t suspicious of my mother or anything, but I could sense she was hiding something from me. I couldn’t bring myself to ask her, but deep down, I wanted to know what it was.

Following the path that led to the doctor’s office slowly, I reached the door and was about to knock on it when I faintly heard my mother's familiar voice, weeping and pleading with the doctor as though making a request.

This instantly left me speechless. “What could they be talking about?” I wondered as I moved closer quietly and placed my ear on the door. I was trying to eavesdrop, but I couldn’t hear them clearly, but from the intense tone they spoke, I knew it was something serious.

The doctor then blurted out, “Abort it? I think you should tell her first. And I won’t alter my beliefs because of you. I don’t want something that would cause a nuisance or dent my reputation in the future.”

His statement left me shocked and numb. So I had been pregnant? And the mother is trying to abort the baby without my consent? My whole body began trembling, and I could not resist letting out a silent cry, but I was able to control my emotions. 

“Please do this for me, doctor, and I will forever be grateful to you. It’s the best for her. I’d rather have her hate me later than give birth to this baby, which will make her life miserable. She deserves to be happy again; this will benefit her and won’t have any impact on her in case she wants to get married again.” 

“How would I even do that without her suspecting? What about the procedures and post-treatment? How would I take care of that? The doctor asked.

“Hmmm, we can just come up with a fake medical condition that requires surgery. That way she wouldn’t suspect a thing,” Mother ested.

Everywhere became silent for a while when I heard the doctor say it in agreement. “Alright, let’s do that.” 

I couldn’t bear to listen further. Having no strength left and a mix of emotions swirling within me, I struggled out of the path and staggered into the garden.

“Oh God, I said as I placed my hand on my racing heart. I held on to it tightly, like I was preventing it from leaping out of my chest. 

Everything that unfolded before was something I couldn’t have predestined in a thousand years.

“How could I be pregnant with that bastard’s child? I touched my tummy, feeling a surge of hatred and pain in my heart. This baby was supposed to be the undeniable connection that bound us together, but it turned out to be a burden for me.

I’m not thrilled by the news of this pregnancy, as I am well aware of the circumstances surrounding it, but I would have at least been appreciative if my mother had told me about it and sought my opinion. I think I deserved to know. 

I cried for a while in the garden, reminiscing over that night and how my life had gone so wrong and bitter that it made my mom think of such drastic measures. It must have been hard for her to make such a decision, and it must have been terrifying for her to contemplate ending her grandchild’s life to protect me.

“What a messy life I have,” I thought as I left the garden and made my way to the toilet to clean my already swollen face before heading to the room.

“Where have you been, Judith? I have been waiting for you," my mother asked immediately as I entered the room. She was indifferent to her usual self. She was able to put her act together and still put on a smile—a fake one, though.

“I was bored, so I went to the garden to get some fresh air,” I said, avoiding any eye contact. I don’t want her to suspect that I have been crying. “Why do you stay too long at the doctor’s office?” I asked her even when I knew she wouldn’t tell me the real reason.

“Nothing; we were discussing you,” she said, wrapping a muffler around my neck to keep me warm and kissing my forehead.

“What about me?” I asked, even though I knew the topic of their secret discussion.

“Nothing much, my love. This is just a small problem that will be resolved soon. Just relax. You know I always got you.” She said it with a sad gaze at me. Our eyes met, and then she looked away. “Go to bed; it’s late already.” She added, and then she helped me lie comfortably on the bed, covering me with a thick duvet.

I decided to pretend to be unaware of the conversation between my mother and the doctor and plan to abort the child because asking her might shatter her further. There was total darkness and silence in the room as we just lay on our respective beds. 

I will just act along with them, but there was also a question in my mind as to whether this was the right thing to do or not. After all that has happened, I have no hope of loving anyone, and I plan to be alone for the rest of her life, but if I have a child to look forward to in my life, maybe I won’t be too lonely. Moreover, the child is innocent.

I was lost in thousands of thoughts that tormented me late into the night, making me insomniac, and I wasn't the only one suffering; in fact, my mother had it worse.

I saw her getting up in the middle of the night to sit alone in the hospital garden. I trailed her and stood behind her, and I could hear her confessing, chanting that none of this had anything to do with me and that although the child was innocent, my happiness was more important. She said that if there had to be karma, then it should come to her; it shouldn’t get back at me, who had already lived a hard enough life.

When I heard this, my heart ached. I crawled down with shaky legs, burying my face between my legs and crying silently with hot tears dripping down my face. I feel really terrible about it and wish I could just travel back to the past to set things right.

Returning to the room, I made a decision, more like a gamble. It wasn't just for me but also for her mother; I don’t want her to be guilt-tripping for the rest of her life. I needed to stand up for myself and make a choice, even if it was a hard one, but I just hope I haven’t gambled wrongly.