Chapter 4

I was going to get myself killed. I could barely see what was in front of me as the tears streamed down my face but I couldn’t afford to stop the car and take a break. I had to get out of here!

Fuck Duke and fuck the mating bond. I had offered myself to him so many years ago and it hadn’t been good enough for him then. I refused to be accepted by him because of some feeling that a Goddess I had never met had forced upon me.

I tried not to think of that night. I tried not to let the memories wash over me but it was no good. The floodgates were open and they rushed to the front of my mind like a tsunami, allowing me to relive every painful, heartwrenching moment in stunning clarity. Of course I had never forgotten a moment of it...

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5 years earlier

Grace's POV

I was hiding in the kitchens again, the only place I seemed to be able to find refuge lately. I wanted desperately to go to Duke, as I had so many times in the past, but I was too embarrassed to do it.

I had been an idiot, spent too much time idolizing him, staring at him as he jogged past our window, his skin glistening with sweat. I hadn't been able to take my eyes off him during training, had almost swooned at the small, gentle, patient smile he threw my way every now and then.

I shouldn't have been so obvious. Shouldn't have let my guard down as if I wasn't aware of the type of wolves I had to unfortunate privilege to call my parents.

My dad had taken special delight in going to the Alpha and informing him of my little crush on Duke. Of course, a fat, besotted teenager like myself, who was also a null to boot, wasn't appropriate for the future Alpha Luke. "Silly girl" had been one of the comments made, "handle it appropriately" had been another.

Handle appropriately my ass. The pair had ransacked my room and found any evidence they could of my "obsession" and taken delight in confronting Duke with it. They had found everything, from the napkin that Duke had written on telling me I did a great job during training, to the water bottle he had snatched out of my hands and taken a drink out of. There was a T-Shirt that he had left in the guest room that I often slept in (As my parents were the current betas, it made sense that the Alphas would stay at their house if they returned from hunting or patrol early morning).

The final straw was the diary. Oh Goddess, the diary. I knew what that contained and knew that I would never be able to face Duke again. Maybe I had gotten carried away, maybe I had read too much into his sweet gestures and kind words. Maybe he really was just showing sympathy to the mutt that no one really wanted. Was that such a crime? Was I not allowed to find a shred of happiness in my miserable life?

I had seen Duke once since that day and he had barely been able to stomach looking at me. His cheeks had burned with embarrassment as he turned away and left me standing on the pavement, my vision blurred with unshed tears. He had made it clear that he didn't want to be around me

"Move, girlie" the new chef told me, barking her words at me as she bumped me with her hip to shove me out of the way. She had heard about Pricilla and what happened when people allowed themselves to grow too close to me. She wouldn't allow me in the kitchens, wouldn't allow herself to be friends with me lest she end up in a similar position.

I shuffled out of the kitchen quarters without another word. There wasn't a place for me anywhere. The only place I could go was home, although I visibly recoiled at the thought. My mother was on one again. Time was running short for her to submit her replacement and all this was doing was bringing forward my shortcomings once more.

I had no idea how other packs worked, but in this one, our position was usually passed down through the family and so it was expected that I would replace my parents as betas alongside my mate, whoever they were. Each replacement was announced before the current holder gave up their role so that we got in at least a decade of training, although the more the better. Unless there was a tragic accident, in which case the heir would automatically inherit the position until they either proved themselves unworthy and were banished or they were challenged.

My mother knew that she couldn't submit me and my wolf (or lack of) as replacement. A Beta was supposed to protect the Alpha and since I couldn't shift, what use was I against an enemy wolf ambush? As well as the fact that my crush was being used against me, how could I protect the Alpha and his mate and children when I was so in love with him? I would be bitter, make stupid decisions, be intentionally cruel to the new Luna.

I didnt care, I had never wanted to be a Beta anyway. My parents were right in that regard - they should have had a boy,m at least he would have had more fight in him. Male wolves seemed obsessed with position and status more than she-wolves. I was happy to just be me, to find something that brought me comfort and peace. I knew I wouldn't find it in this pack.

I made a decision there and then. I was going to leave. I would go home, allow my parents to say what they needed to say and hope that this time their words didn't turn physical and then I would wait until they fell asleep and I would go. I could bribe the guards to let me out of the border gates, I doubt they would need much persuasion anyway. Noone wanted me here and I was okay with that. I didn't want to be here.

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As soon as I entered the front door, I knew something was wrong. My parents were sitting on the sofa facing the entrance, apparently waiting for my return.

"What's happened?" I asked nervously, wringing my hands in front of me as I waited for the inevitable explosion

"Duke is here" my mother said tightly. "He was wounded during a rogue attack and wouldn't have made it home." I hoped and prayed that neither of them would pick up on how my heart began to race. Please don't let them notice how much electricity seemed to bounce through my body at the mere mention of Duke being in the same house as me.

"Grace," my mother continued, her nose in the air as she looked down at me, "I'm sure it goes without saying that you are to stay away from him. Do not bring any further shame upon this family or I swear I will rip the hair from your scalp and peal the skin from your back. Do I make myself clear?"

"Yes, mother" I whispered back, horrified at her words but not at all surprised. I had chunks of my hair torn out before, what did another display of her dominance over me matter? I was utterly defeated.

"We're warning you, child" my dad boomed forcefully, "you are to go straight to your room and stay there. When Duke has left we will come and get you and permit you to leave, not a moment sooner. You will miss dinner this evening, maybe even breakfast and lunch tomorrow. You have enough weight on you to tide you over anyway, you'll be fine"

I looked down at the floor, shuffling my feet as I focused on anything other than the hurt that his words inflicted. "May I please be excused? I'll go straight to my room, I promise."

They both gave small noises of confirmation and I slowly walked away, knowing how much my mum hated my "thunder thighs" jiggling if I walked fast or the heavy pads of my shoes as though I deliberately put all my weight behind my steps.

I had to pass the guest room on the way to my bedroom and as soon as I heard Duke's soft snores through the door, an idea came to mind.

Surely just once wouldn't hurt? I promised myself that I would be gone long before he woke. From what I knew about wolves, they slept like the dead whilst they were healing. He would never know that I was there until it was too late. He would smell me as soon as he woke up, but by that time I planned to be far, far away from this pace. What harm could I possibly cause by sharing a bed with him?

I closed the door to my room softly, tiptoeing across the carpet and sitting on the edge of my bed. Did I dare do this? How could I not? Did I really want to spend the rest of my life wondering what if? I would give myself this one memory of being close to him, of being able to feel his skin under my hands. I would permit myself this one thing. Nothing bad could happen.