Episode 5

Ify has changed. I know you may want to call it payback time.

It continued like that at a point that I went to work and I was sleeping on duty. Thank God it was Tony who walked in my office not my boss.

"My man..!!" he hailed me.

"Hey Tony how far? You are the last person I was expecting to see here today, hope all is well?" I asked.

"Yes oh, all is well. I've not seen you over a week now so I thought I should come check on you." he said.

"Thanks bro, I'm about going to have lunch, thank God you are here" I said. "Okay no qualms. That aside, this one you are sleeping in the office, didn't you sleep at home?" Tony asked.

"Hmmm.... Nna, my wife is the right person for that question. Ify wants to use knack and finish me o"

"I don't understand, bro I thought you liked it" he asked.

"Morning knack! Afternoon, when I'm at home knack! evening when I'm back from work knack... That's not all, night when I'm trying to sleep knack! Midnight when I dey deep sleep too" I lamented.

"Wow this is serious! what could be the cause?" he asked.

"Pregnancy! I don't know if she's the first woman to be pregnant before. Look at me nau, I don dey lose weight"

Tony laughed out loud "Bro you no lose weight at all, you seem more healthier to me than before. King of knack, complaining of being tired of knacking" he said still laughing.

"Guy I'm serious, you think this is a joking matter. I need your advise, what should I do?" I asked.

"Okay, you need my advise.. As a good friend, I'd advise you to face it head on." Tony advised. "Let's go abeg, keep your advise to urself".

I advised myself rather, I started avoiding my wife stylishly.

*

Today I was about leaving for work but I couldn't find my car key. I started searching the whole house. She asked me what I was looking for but I said nothing.

"Are you looking for these?" she asked waving the keys at me. I knew I was in for it today. She came close to me and started romancing me. "Baby, how far na" she said with a knowing smile.

"How far with wat? Ify I'm not ready for this. I'm late for work already, give me my keys" I said.

"I'll give you but you have to make me feel like a woman" she said.

Which one is make her feel like a woman? Is she not a woman already? Ify why? why now? I know that this woman will not leave me, I tried to get the keys from her but she refused.

I had to use my brain, so I told her that we should go inside the room.

"Baby see big rat! Jesus, See it o” Pointing to a particular direction.

My wife is scared of rats. Immediate, she got confused and startled. The keys fell off her hands, so that was how I seized my chance, picked up my keys, jammed the door and ran away.

My father used to say "Soldier go soldier come, barracks still remain".

I'm back home to continue from where we stopped. Ify just is vexed with me.

"Ugo come and perform your husbandly duty o" she said nagged. "baby I'm trying. But this your own no too much?? Do u want to ki-ll me?" I said.

"You are the one that used to say it's important in marriage" she said. "eh, I know but too much of everything is bad" I said.

She disturbed me so much that I just had to comply. We began to dance up, down, left, right, middle. In fact all the styles until I tired of her,  She just keeps telling me baby just one more. I had to use my brain again o.

And this time, I pretended to faint. She shook me, I didn't budge. She checked if I was still breathing. So she went to get water. She sprinkled water on me, I refused to wake up. To worsen the case I held my breath when she wanted checking my heart beat again.

She started crying, "obim wake up biko! I have kil-led my husband oh. What will I tell my people if they ask me what kil-led him"

So Ify believes that I'm dead. She should tell them that she kil-led me with sēx, I thought.  Anyway, God forbid, such can never ki-ll me.

Let me listen to her. See the way she's crying bitterly. "baby please wake up o, If you leave me who will I talk to?  who will i play and gist with? who will I be preparing ofe nsala (white soup) for..?" Ofe nsala is my favorite soup and she knows how to cook it. I'm still listening to her.

"Who will be complimenting my looks? who will be giving me sweet sweet massage..."

Did she just mention massage? cSo she likes massage and anytime I say let me do it for her she'll be saying is not her thing.

Fear women when the say no, they actually mean yes sometimes. I'm still listening to her. "Obim please don't die on me o. I don't want to do again please wake up! I can't live this life without you, I want to die with you... ".

So Ify loves me like this. I felt like getting up, hug her and ki-ss her but no! I have to keep to the plan, I can't risk it.

After a minute, I decided to get so as not  to give her high BP. I stood up, she started saying thank you Jesus, waving her hands to heaven

"Baby you scared me, I thought you are gone" she said. "You thought I was gone? So that's what you want. U want to ki-ll me" I said. "No. baby I'm sorry". I didn't listen to her, I just carried the blanket and pillow straight to the sitting room to sleep. She followed me. "Baby I'm sorry naw, I'm sorry" she pleaded." Ify just leave me alone please" I said.  "I'm sorry, it won't happen again" she begged.

"Okay I've heard you but this is where I want to sleep tonight" I insisted. She tried to convince me to go back to the room but I refused. "Ify just go and sleep I'm fine". I said. "Are you sure?" she asked. "yes I'm sure just go" I replied.

"I love you" she said. "I love you too..... but go and sleep" I responded.

Ever since that day my wife has calmed down