Micheal's tall and straight figure got closer and closer to Sarah. And then, without saying a word, he strode past Sarah.
It was hard to tell if Micheal's saw Sarah or just ignored her.
Regardless, Sarah noticed that the woman in his arms was the same one who had been photographed with
him yesterday.
She was Lauren.
Sarah's shoes felt like they were made of lead as she walked away.
She lost all awareness of her surroundings
Many terrible things happened in my childhood, but I remember none of it. It doesn’t exist in my memory
bank. I only know because, through the years, there have been pieces of conversations about it.
I find this scary that things might have happened in my childhood that I just don’t recall. But the thing withtrauma is that it resides within you. Your mind might choose not to remember, but your body will.
And so, occasionally, I have panic attacks that have no source. Or well, seem like they have no source, and Ican’t help but wonder where in my childhood the seeds of those panic attacks were planted.
Every time I come across a story of physical abuse, I freeze. I have a physical reaction to abuse whether theharm was done toward me, to someone else in my presence or even to a character in a story.
I’m immobilised and I can feel a wall instantly spring up in my mind to protect me. My flight or fright is triggered and I always flee.When I was young my mother took me to meetings. I think she was volunteering at those meetings. Iwould sit right next to her and observe her address these people who were strangers to me.
My mother also always drummed this into my ears says Sarah : “If a man touches you anyhow, you jump
up and slap him!” I know she meant this about harassment. She taught at a secondary school and there
were always stories of young girls getting harassed.
I kid you not, she said this to my siblings and me so many times, that it became etched in my brain. She
did not say to scream, to shout for help, to run to her. She said if you feel threatened, you fight back!
Over the years whenever women around me told stories of how they were physically abused or harassed
sexually, I felt anger and frustration when they said they didn’t do anything to the abuser.
“Why didn’t you shout at him so that everybody on the bus would know he was touching your breast?!”
“Why didn’t you hit him right back when he hit you?”
When you’ve not lived through certain experiences you would have solutions. But when you have, you
realize that sometimes the only reaction your body can offer to you is to freeze up.
But, I believe in normalizing these conversations. And if not for myself, then for someone out there who
might be going through some form of domestic violence. Someone who just needs a little reminder from a
stranger that they are not deserving of abuse.
We were living in the same house, but we were sleeping in different rooms. and I didn’t think it wise to relay
this information to him in his room.
I make my way to the kitchen because I have a ton of medication to use and so I need to make some
breakfast. I’m weak and feeling lazy so I settle on plantains. I’m frying my plantains when he walks in.
“Why are you in the kitchen?”, he says.
I hear the anger in his voice and I, as usual, feel confusion.
“What do you mean why am I in the kitchen?”
“Do you want to give me your disease
”Shouldn’t you be isolating?”I responded that yes, I should be isolating, but I also need to eat because I have meds to take.
And it begins.
He’s shouting at me to get out of the Kitchen His voice rose higher and higher and I decided to ignore him, focusing my energy on flipping the plantains over.
At this point, I’m staring at the plantain, watching it brown, but in my head, I’m wondering what to tell this man to get him to leave me alone.
I hate arguments. I hate shouting and I hate getting angry. I could feel the anger rising in my chest so, I decided to give up. I turn to him and tell him I’m done with the conversation.
I do what he wants and call for my cousin to finish frying the plantain and as I start walking back to the room, I can hear him still shouting at me, asking if it’s him I’m walking out on.
I turn around to face him. We’re now in the living room and he’s saying so many things I now cannot recall. But the statement my memory has refused to forget is him saying he will throw me out.
*further confusion*
“You will throw me out dressed like this?!”
He says, “Yes I will!”
There’s more back and forth. We are both shouting now and I feel my fear shift back to intense anger.
I have always been terrified of intense anger. My hands start to tremble, my voice begins to quiver, and my
entire body is in a state of restlessness. I fear intense anger because I fear what it might make me do. So,
on the rare occasions that I feel intense anger, I detach. And that is what I try to do.
I take a deep breath, pause and tell him I’m done with the conversation.
I turn around and I know he is following me but I am determined not to engage. I can feel him right behind
me. Possibly two feet from me, and he follows me right into the bedroom. I’m irritated and so I turn around to ask why he is following me and a slap lands on my face.
I freeze.
The freezing was familiar.
But this time I did not freeze out of fear. I froze out of disbelief and denial.
He could not have slapped me.
That had to be a mistake.That did not just happen to me.I look directly at him and say in a clear voice, “Do you know you just slapped me?” and I feel another slap land on my right cheek.
This is when I lose it.
I am mad. Raving mad. It’s the angriest I have ever been in my life.I have always imagined this moment. I have a thing where I imagine terrible scenarios and try to picture what my reaction would be and how I would navigate them.
Every time I pictured a man hitting me, my conclusion was - “I would rather die”. I knew physical abuse was a thing I could never let go of. I would fight back and then have you beat me until I die.
Or so I thought.
And so, I entered defence mode, and I began to hit him. I look down and realize my cousin is between us, and she is getting hit. And I’m jolted out of my intense anger.
“It’s enough!”, I shout.
He stops and walks out of the room. I slam the door shut behind him and lock it. Then I turn around and realize my cousin is not in the room with me.
“It’s not her he’s after”.
I sit on the bed, trembling. My anger has shifted back to fear.
Me, locking the door was out of fear.I feel the tears coming and I stop.
This was not a time for tears.
It made no sense how the day had played out. A month or so before this day, we had a whole conversation about going our separate ways. I called my parents to let them know.
He had no reason to be taking out his anger on me if we were headed towards definite separation. He had no reason to hit me.
I grab my boxes and start packing. I’m in autopilot mode.
Somewhere in between the packing, I call my eldest sister, I call my mum, I call one of my best friends.His parents call me.
An hour later, my mum is at my house and my brother is carrying my boxes down the stairs and into the
boot. Another few hours later, we all get home to my parents’ house and I begin to feel safe again.
Months after, I would go back to that moment and wonder why I froze at first. Why I refused to believe he
had just slapped me. The answer I would find is that I did not want to believe the man I chose to marry was
capable of hitting me. How blind to his character must I have been?
Sarah in deep thinking .
Is love supposed to turn bitter or get stronger.
Stay - if you believe the lies he spews from his mouth
In the moments right after, he might have believed it too‘I’m sorry’,
‘I apologize’,‘I would never hit you again.’The first time he hits you - stay
For many reasons;
The kidsThe fact that there were some good timesStay - because what will people say?
Because where would you start from?Stay - because your grandmother says it’s a man’s world
And women need to learn to be patient in these situationsBecause marriage is a test and life is full of ups and downsStay- because he has money
Because you have not worked in yearsStay…
Not for yourselfFor yourself…you leave
I Am very particular about things like this. Domestic violence, abuse, social bias, marginalized groups. I’m more particular when it comes to women because historically women get the shorter end of the stick and sometimes it’s harder to visualize a way to a better life when you are going through abuse.
But, sometimes all a person needs is a bit of a push.
I got out of my car and slowly walking towards the mansion.My hands were trembling and sweaty . I still couldn't believe that it was done . That I was finally divorced from him. The proof that was currently in my handbag. I was here to bring the final papers to him and to pick Noah up. Right now I could hear them clearly and what I heard encased my soul in ice I still don't understand why you can't live with me and mummy ?''Noah asks his father. My hands were already shaking.My heart breaking at the sadness in his voice.I would do anything for him,but this divorce was inevitable. Our marriage had been a mistake.Everythunv about us was a mistake.It just took me time to see the truth. You know why Noah ,your mother and I can no longer be together?''His voice was so soft as he replies. It's weird really because during the duration of our marriage he has never once spoken to me softly.It was always cold,devoid of any emotion. Why? These things just happens I kn
I am looking for Desmond Brown,I believe he was brought in for a gunshot wound. I told the receptionist once I got to the front desk. How are you related to him ,she asked. He is my father "Give me a minute."She paused while she types on her computer. He is in the Er getting prepped for surgery. Just go straight ahead at the end you will see the emergency door. "Thanks''. I turned around and follow her instructions. My heart beating with every step I take.He's going to be okay.He'll recover soon . Despite our differences I wanted him to be well We didn't have a good relationship but he is so loving towards my son . I knocked at the door,pushed it and entered. I could see my mother's eyes red from too much of crying. I took a sit next to her ,what happened and how is he doing? He was shot on his way back from the store.They are preparing him for surgery..her voice shaking.. I hugged her just to console her.Dont worry,father is the strongest man I know . He will be okay
Sometimes I stare at things for too long. My wrists… The big, sharp knife in the kitchen drawer. The bottle of Sniper in the corner. Sometimes the idea of me being sprawled across the floor in a lake of my blood is tempting. Sometimes, when I’m drained, I want to time it just right and walk into an oncoming car… a bus… a truck…Sometimes jumping off a balcony is intriguing. It seems ideal.Sometimes… I want to die.And maybe in a warped way, that’s okay?Just hear me out.red and white rose petals on white tableWhen I was younger, there were no voices in my head.Now, I think I’m in an unending race to get back there. The problem is I do not think I will ever win the race. At some point, I would have to accept that it’s possible the voices in my head are here to stay. And I shall never get the privilege of a calm brain again.Regardless of the chaos in my mind, born out of the craziness of the things that I’ve had to deal with in life, I’m a strong believer that happiness is a choice
With all these thoughts of suicide,I started to think on the way out of it.Michael is obviously obsessed with someones else and I just have to continue my life. Live good for my child and also protect my own mental health. I had a constant headache so I decided to visit the hospital. It's positive those I had from my sleep. Aparrently,when I got to the hospital I fainted. What is positive? looking in confusion You are pregnant madam In shock, pregnant? I had to leave the hospital. Pregnant? How will I tell Micheal this. The last sex was never to lead to pregnancy. I decided to encourage myself to break the news to him anyhow. On a Thursday afternoon,I decided to visit him at the office. I knocked on his door softly,I heard as he muttered come in I walked into his office slowly... The room was dark.The only light was coming from his laptop and phone screen. It is dark in here I said. I like it this way he said,his voice suddenly deeper than usual. I walked to his d
We finally saw the doctor and did a scan ,Oh this is Baby A and Baby B,those were the words of the doctor.Lost in my thoughts.TWINS I exclaimed.This is unbelievable.How do i survive with this? The babies were fine.So ,when is the next apointment? I asked the doctor that announced that i was pregnant.The next appointment will be in about four weeks ,seeing you are already 16weeks gone,she answers.The shock on our faces as this baby came as a suprise not even when we are already planning the divorce.I stare at the screen where my baby was.Thank you,I said as i was pulling my shirt down.We left the hospital and went our separate ways.Noah was with my mum ,so i went to pick him up.On getting home late in the night,Noah went to bed while i was in the sitting room thinking of the next step or how to cope.TWINS,where do i go from here,how do i survive,Yes I know Micheal is a billionaire but he we are divorced and his heart is currently with someone else .Mummy,Noah's voice pulls me ou
Micheal There is something that happens inside you when you see your ex wife,the mother of your son,shot and bleeding .Something I never thought I would feel towards Sarah.When I saw the men with guns pointing at us ,I didn't. think of this ever happening I was relieved when the shooters ran after seeing the police but my relief was short lived when one of the officers shouted for an ambulance I turned around wondering who was hurt only I didn't expect to be Sarah and seeing her hurt almost brought me to my knees.The ambulance arrived and the officer refused to let Sarah go until he made sure she was safely in the able arms of the doctor.I was pissed at his reluctance to let go,She was my wife and even carrying my children,I mean ex wife but more importantly I was pissed at myself.I should have protected her.If something worse had happened to Sarah,how would I have explained it to Noah?How would I Justify the fact that I had failed to protect his mother?So here I was pacing b
Sarah I woke with a stiff back and an aching arm.I am in bed with Noah since he refused to leave after we finished watching TV.I smiled when I remembered saying that he was taking his job seriously and that he would take care of me throughout the night With a bit of difficulty,I managed to move him without waking him up.It was around right and I needed to prepare breakfast before he woke up. After doing my morning routine,I went downstairs .I stood outside the kitchen for a while wondering how I was going to manage making with one arm. As I mover to get the ingredients for pancakes,memories of yesterday flooded my mind.Everythubg that happened seemed so surreal that part of me wonder if it had happened. If it wasn't for the fact that my shoulder was bandaged and my arm was in sling,I would have thought it was all a bad dream. When I woke up in the hospital after I fainted I panicked.It took both the doctor and nurse to calm me down and reassure me that everything was okay.She
I went to the kitchen to tidy up the dirty dishes,then there was a knock.Noah was still asleep and I didn't want to wake him up yet.I was so sure it was Nathan,he had probably forgotten something ."Did you forget something?"I asked opening the door.My emotions shut down when I realized it was Michael and not Nathan.Seeing his face just brought a rush of pain.Rememberinv how he abandoned me to save his precious babe brought a bitter taste to my mouth There was no denying that I meant nothing to him.I mean yesterday just showed me the extent of his disregard and hate towards me.I push the hurt and pain away.Locking them together with the love I had for him in the deepest anf darkest parts of my soul.Micheal was dead to me and I didn't want to ever love a dead man.I know he could see how my emotions to him are obviously dead."What are you doing here?".I asked ,He just pushed in way into the house.It was like talking to a stranger.He was nothing to me ,not anymore.This is someon