AFTER
Lily
Tap-tap-tap.
I wake up to tapping sounds at the glass window facing the empty backyard of Dad's rented bungalow, I could hear the loud tapping in my sleep.
Bleary eyed and with a curse at my lips, I pull the silk sandy beige curtains away and I see the form of tiny cute birds pecking at the glass window with their small black beaks.
My irritation fades away and I can't help admiring their gorgeous cloth of feathers. The poor fools probably think their reflection is another bird. A pair of white birds with bright green and white feathers and a lone black and white bird with whiskers are next to it.
They remind of when Luc was Lucie and we used to bury birds that died by flying head on into our window.
I wake Krystal up, hug him good morning and whisper that little birds came to greet him. He presses his palms to the glass and
AFTERLilyMy mother's sister—Aunt Alami travelled from Jos in Plateau State to grieve with us. She called Mum and announced over the phone that she has arrived Calabar.Mum asked Dad to drive her to the bus station to pick Aunt Alami because she has not been behind the wheel in a week, everytime she tries to drive her hands would tremble. She won't be able to move the car out of the driveway.I dashed into the back seat of Dad's car with Krystal in my arms before Dad could start the engine because I wanted to be as far away from our grieving relatives— who had came to stay—as possible. Surprisingly, my parents did not object me going with them.It has been seven days since Luc died by drowning in the Atlantic ocean and three days after we buried her. My parents decided to bury her as quickly as they could because they did not want to have a formal burial for her. It would be too p
BEFORELucMum's yelling bounced off the walls and travelled down the corridor into the kitchen. Dad's voice was low and soothing, it reminded me of times when he would try to get Krystal to stop crying.I imagined Mum in the distinct blouse and wrapper she wore every third Sunday of the month. It was the only time she would wear a heavy mask of makeup and flaunt her lastest handbag. She enjoyed showing off at the meetings she attended.Personally, I found the meetings boring and pointless. Why gather every month to gist and eat? When Mum it was Mum's turn to host the meeting, Lily and I would be servers and cleaners, cleaning up after middle aged women. Mum's defense of their meetings is a speech narrating how the association feeds orphans. I argued that you could feed orphans without the fancy attire and monthly gathering.My eyelids felt like they weighed a thousand pounds. I wa
BEFORELucAs I applied rogue blush to the peaks of Lily's cheeks, I realised that I was jealous of my baby sister. Maybe it was the way her hair was pulled up in a messy bun so soft tendrils of ringlets touch her cheeks and stick to her lipgloss or the way her doe eyes were heavily lined (she copies my style at every chance she gets). Maybe it was because Joseph commented on how beautiful and delicate she was on our first date while we were waiting for our moin-moin."Why do you call her puppet?" He asked, poking the moist food with his fork. I watched the stainless steel prongs sink into the moin-moin. He took me to a trendy restaurant at Highway, the place was lit by chandeliers and the tables were set with embroidered napkins and various sizes of cutlery."It's just a pet name," I told him with a smirk. I imagined that Joseph would date my sister behind my back. Would Lily do that to me? The th
BEFORELilyJacob called me at 6.00am. I wasn't fully awake, floating between consciousness and unconsciousness. He sounded warm on the phone, like we had known each other for ages rather than met about two months ago. I knew I sounded groggy, if he noticed, he didn't say a word. "I want to see you today." The words drifted into my ear through the speakers of my phone. I had to consider each word and ascribe meaning to them. He didn't say good morning like normal people did first thing in the morning. It unsettled me. "Huh?" My breath made me wrinkle my nose. I was glad he couldn't smell it. "It's been two weeks," he said with somber laced in his words like it was two decades. "Will you have time today?" "My parents are home today. They don't let me go out," I
AFTERLilyLuc throws her head backand the amber liquid flowsdown her throat butthe glass bottleis still full."Drink!"she holds out the bottle to me.I shake my head while lookinginto her blackbottomlesseyes.She forces my mouth openwith her long, sharp talons.Her talons are ripping mymouth open.I feel no pain.Red drips from the mouthto my white dress.She pours the liquid down my throat.It burns down my throat,through my stomach.When I wake up, my tanktop is damp with sweat. My heart is beating so loud, it echoes into my ears. I stagger to the window and open it, the pale moonlight baths my room. Leaning by the window, I take in the mysterious night sounds and an image of Luc flashes behind my eyes.
BEFORELilyIt was surreal seeing her lying on the floor. Unmoving. I wanted to think she was just drunk and passed out but I knew that wasn't the case.I knew it from the way her body was sprawled. She was too still, her neck was at an awkward angle, a medicine bottle laid inches away from her outstretched hand.The words died in my throat. Luc? Luc? It's time for breakfast.Taking steps to her took forever. Partly because I was in shock, my legs couldn't move, I was shivering and shaking all over. My heart was beating frantically. My brain processed the image of her still body and the dark bottle.Then I screamed.Someone barreled through the hallway, their feet slapping against the floor. I held my tummy, trying to suppress the raise of acid creeping up my throat.Dad dashed in, almost running through me like I was a ghost.
BEFORE.LucMy gut clenched. One, two, three, four, five . . . And unclenched.I waited for it to clench again, watching it in the mirror. It mocked me and stayed still.Ever since I got discharged from the hospital, I have been having sharp pains in different parts of my body. Yesterday, I could hardly move without my kneecaps shrieking in agony. Today it's my gut. Tomorrow it would be my head and then my eyes after that. Sometimes, I would wake up dizzy and disoriented, seeing flashing lights and hearing screams. The screams were mine. I was dying in my dreams.It was my body, taking revenge on me. I was being punished for trying to kill it, for betraying it.Food didn't stay in my stomach and urine won't stay for a second longer. The white capsules I'm forced to take after meals stay in my throat and no amount of water I drink can flush it down. My ha
AFTERLilyAs I walk back home from school on a humid Friday evening, I think about stripping my clothes and leaving them on the floor, trudging into the shower and spending a lifetime under the cold waterfall, wearing pyjamas that are two sizes bigger than me and sitting down to a dinner of pap and soft slices of bread. Seeing Precious on the concrete steps shatter my plans."Hey," I choked out.The last time I saw her, she was out with my dead sister's boyfriend and I was furious at her. Now, I just want her out of my sight but I can't tell her that."Lily." She makes no move to come closer or shift so I can get to the door. She watches me with her dark eyes narrowed. I feel oddly self-conscious, I tug on my red hair, waiting for her to comment. When it becomes clear that she is not going to say anything, I open my mouth and let the words tumble out."What
THE DAYLily"Are we there yet?" I asked. My butt is burning for sitting in one place for too long. I am sandwiched between Precious and James. Joseph and Jacob are sitting behind while Luc is sitting in front with the driver.When Luc had announced she would be throwing me a birthday party at Ibeno beach resort, my first instinct was to laugh, sure that Luc will not go out of her way like that. When I saw the invitation cards she was printing and giving out to people I went to school with, go to school with and don't talk to anymore. I was even more shocked when she told me that she would hiring a DJ and a caterer. She later told me that the party was an apology to me, for all the bad things she had been doing to me. I sobbed on her shoulder."Here," James said handing a banana and a cone of roasted groundnut over to me."We will get there soon!" The driver told me. Lily is paying him t
AFTERDear Luc,Today is your birthday. You would have turned nineteen today. We would have thrown a party for you. The love of your life would have been invited, Jacob and James would have come, Precious would have worn something sexy and I would have snuck Esther in.Dad would have bought vanilla cake with resins and cherries. The icing would be thick and so sweet it would be almost bitter, just the way you liked it. Mum would have cooked fried rice and fried chicken for the party. We would have been allowed to take lite beer and diluted sips of vodka and whiskey. Cartons of fruit juice and soft drinks would have been in abundance. And our parents would have excused us and retired to their rooms.We would have played music from the stereo. Not too loud to wake Krystal from sleep but loud enough to get ourselves hyped.I might had danced. Let myself go and get tipsy. I
BEFORELucIt has been one month since I last spoke to my soulmate. He would not take my calls. And neither will be reply my messages. He is never at home when I go to check on him. His sister would give me some excuse like he went for basketball practice or went shopping with his mother or sleeping at a friend's house.I become more and more frustrated and desperate as the days turn into weeks. I have no one to talk to about this. Lily will not understand. What the hell does she know about love? And Precious will ask him to forget him and move on but how can I when he is the only boy I truly love?I drank more often, draining my flask quickly in big, gulps. I could barely sleep at night, staring at the ceiling until daybreak. I rarely went for my lectures, staying back home after my parents, Lily and Krystal had left for school.When I told Precious how lowly I had sank, she
AFTERLilyI am still trying to recover from the shock from discovering that my parent's relationship was not as rosy as it seemed. It is weird that they almost did not build a family together and after three kids and eighteen years together, they are still not at peace with each other. I am not sure what I would have done if I was in their shoes. Call it quits and try co-parenting? Or to couples counselling and try to iron things out for the sake of the children and the almost-two-decades of relationship. Maybe even go further and get married?I try to forgive Mum. I don't leave the living room whenever she enters and I do not cough up an excuse when she wakes me up for Mass on Sunday morning. In church, I kneel down and gaze at the statue of Jesus Christ at the altar and pray for the Josephle to forgive my Mum. And for God's forgiveness.I do not talk to her either, I just nod or shake my head wh
BEFORE Lily"Lily, Lily—"Someone was shaking me gently, interrupting the walk I was taking down an unwinding road. Birds were gossiping from sickly tree branches, cocking their heads from head to side as if they are warning me. Tell me 'do not go any further! Stop!'I opened my eyes a bit, peering through the cracks. Dad was bare-chested, shorts ridding low on his hips. His eyes were bloodshot, his face marred with deep lines of fatigue."Dad," I said in a yawn, "what's wrong?""Do you know where your sister when to?" He asked me, staring pointedly at me.His words did not make sense to. Gibberish floating around, bumping against themselves. Until I arrange them, absorb them. "She is in her room." Is that not where she should be at night?"She is not there," Dad said, frowning like I should know that, "did she
AFTERLilyI wake up at six AM. Groggy and damp with sweat. I had another nightmare featuring Luc. We were arguing on a shore, foamy waves lapping at our ankles. Strong winds hoisted us up in the air, somehow when we were flung at the middle of the ocean Luc could swim perfectly, floating weightlessly on the dark, angry waters. But I was sinking fast like a heavy boulder. My mouth like an open cave, calling out for Luc, water infiltrated my lungs and the wiry hands of the ocean pulled me into its belly.A cock crowed at a distance, making me sit up with a start. The mattress in Dad's house is much firmer than the one at home. It is almost uncomfortable to sleep on.I reach for Luc's flask in my backpack and take a dainty, tentative sip. It tastes sharp like a combustion in my mouth, sliding down my throat igniting as it goes. It is clear why Luc is addicted to this stuff, I see stars behind my eyes, form
BEFORELilyEverytime I closed my eyes, I saw the vivid image of Jacob kissing Luc and grabbing her round derriere in his hands. Her long, slim henna-tattoed arms were snaked around his neck and their mouths were joined, drinking ravenously from each other.I was not angry, not really. I was incredulous that Jacob would kiss my sister in public, in broad daylight. And that my sister would kiss Jacob in broad daylight, in public. Did he not know how I felt about him? Did he really care? Did he really like me or was it all in my head? Had I read the signs wrong?I sat outside in the evening, ignoring the whining of mosquitoes and the biting breeze, pondering on why Luc would kiss Jacob. Did she not know how I felt about him? Did she not care? Had she liked him all these while?When Dad asked me to come in for dinner, I declined. My stomach hurt, I did not trust it to hold down food.
AFTERLilyThe day James and I became a couple, I sent Esther a message telling her the good news. She called me minutes later hooting and cheering like I had won a trophy."I always knew you two had the hots for each other!" She said on the phone.Today, one week later, I am waiting on her doorstep for our trip to the salon. I am ready to part with my red hair and get cornrows instead. Esther wants to get a weave-on fixed. And James has been forced to tag along.He stands by the Mercedes, surveying the compound with an unreadable expression on his face.Finally, the door open and Esther hopped out wearing all black. Black sweater for defense against the biting wind, black trousers and black flats."You took ages!" I said, bounding off the steps to the car."Sorry," she apologised, "I was searching for my flats."&
BEFORELucMy plan for the day was simple and straight to the point:1. Dye my hair red for the fun of it.2. Hang out at Happy Place with Lily. It would be the best place to answer the questions she has been dying to ask me.3. Hang out with my boyfriend.I had been ignoring questions Lily had been whispering, hissing, writing and demanding from me those past two weeks. I had not been in the best frame of mind, joggling school work and fighting my mental demons.Nobody knew that I had nightmares. Very lucid nightmares that I woke up screaming from. In those nightmares, I am Mum, carrying a child I do not want. Feeling it growing inside me, feeding from me like a parasite. In those dreams, I expel the parasite from my body in big, bloody clumps. I would be on the floor, writhing in agony.I would wake up swe