FIVE

I was getting hysteric now and I almost couldn’t catch my breath. I sat there crying my heart and soul out as I tried to figure out where I would go from here, as I tried to pull my thoughts together, as I tried to convince myself that I wasn’t losing my mind.

“Why? Why didn’t you come?”. I cried breathlessly. “Why didn’t you come! I needed you, I needed you…”.

He lowered himself beside me on the bed, all the while his hand remained on my shoulder securely.

“Calm yourself, Alexa, breathe”. He said to me.

I shook my head. I couldn’t, I felt suffocated.

“You knew, you were told, why didn’t you come?”. I cried.

I could never understand him, I could never understand anything.

Saying nothing more, he pulled me against his chest for a hug but I continued to cry and struggle against him. I hated that my body still responded to his touch, I hated that it still felt sated in his embrace.

“Leave me, don’t touch me”. I cried breathlessly. “Don’t touch me”.

He didn’t let go, and I was too weak to keep up the struggle so I just sat there crying hysterically.

“Please calm down”. He said against my head.

If only it was so easy to calm down, if only it was so easy to just let go of everything.

“Nine months”. I cried. “I carried her for nine months, and I didn’t even get to see her, I didn’t get to hold her”.

His hold on me tightened and I felt his palm rub my back soothingly.

“I didn’t get to see her….”. I choked out.

“She was beautiful”. He said against my head. “She was beautiful, and she had your eyes, bright and green”.

My heart clenched and my throat constricted painfully as I tried to picture my baby in my mind; a little thing with red hair and bright green eyes. And just thinking about her lying cold and lifeless made me want to fall to my knees in anguish.

“It’s so unfair”. I cried quietly.

It was truly unfair that he got to see her, that he got to hold her when he was never there, when he cared nothing for her.

“I’m sorry”. He said.

“I’ll never forgive you”. I said a promise which came from my very soul. “I will never forgive you”.

“I know. I know”. He said.

God, I hated that he was so calm and composed when I was burning up, when I felt as though I would explode.

“Do you even feel an ounce of guilt?”. I said, I pushed against his chest once more and this time he let go of me and I sat staring up at his face. “Are you even hurt she’s gone?”.

He nodded.

“I am. And I am ashamed that things had to turn out this way”. He replied. “I am sorry, Alexa”.

The more he apologized the more enraged I felt, and with what strength I had, I lunged at him. I grabbed his hair and yanked with all the strength I had, I know that my assaults were flimsy but just needed to cause him as much pain as I could. He didn’t struggle, he didn’t try to stop me, he didn’t even try to shield himself from my attacks, and I didn’t care, I just kept on yanking and hitting him until I felt someone grab me from behind.

“Alexa! Alexa stop”. Micheal’s voice rang in my ears but I didn’t listen, I wouldn’t listen to anyone at the moment.

I had never been the violent or aggressive type, but right now I felt like I would die if I didn’t do this. I lunged at him again but Micheal held onto me, and before I could even start to struggle again he pried me off the bed and into his arms. I felt my head go faint and I felt my legs wobble weakly, I probably would have fallen to the floor had his arms not been securely wrapped around my midriff.

“Alexa!”. He said against head. “Calm down, you’re going to hurt yourself”.

I was going to hurt myself?

My body trembled with hurt, rage, and weakness, I felt extremely breathless now. I glared down at Calan who sat there looking ruffled and disheveled for the first time, he didn’t look at me, his gaze remained cast to the floor but I caught glimpse of a drop blood at the corner of his lip; and just like that my rage dissipated and I was left with just the hurt and weakness. My body trembled even more now; with the body wracking sobs that overtook me now.

I let my body crumble resignedly but Micheal held me up, I felt his warmth engulf me as a sudden cold begun creeping into my body.

“Calm down”. He said to me. “This isn't you”.

I nodded. This indeed wasn’t me, I was usually the weak girl who was always in need of support, I was always the timid one who rarely spoke. I could never hurt anyone, but here I was….I hated this.

“I’m so tired”. I cried quietly. “So very tired”.

“I know, I know”. He said. I felt a subtle vibration from his chest as he spoke. “It’s time to get some rest. Mildred should have informed the nurses that you’re awake, they’ll be here anytime now”.

I nodded once more.

“Let’s get you back to bed, alright?”. He asked.

Again, I nodded.

And it was only then that Calan stood up, he said nothing as he begun heading for the door. And all I could do was stare at him as he walked away.

“Where are you going?”. Micheal asked him.

“To get her something to eat”. He replied without stopping or looking back.