Chapter 4

Jax’s head tilts back as he looks toward the roof, trying to stretch out the tension, he has known for a longtime that this was coming and maybe Alaska is right, if they are ever going to be ready they are now. But he is finally comfortable in the life they have. They may not have everything they used to have, they may only have each other, but that is all he needs.

Jax is terrified of losing her and going head to head is classified as a suicide mission, but saying no will just result in her moving forward without him, which he will not allow.

Jax looks at his meal, the tasty dish only moments before is dull and tasteless now and he can barely choke it down, but he shows none of that on the outside, pretending it is the most interesting thing in the world. Right now he needs a moment to think and doesn’t want to engage in this conversation. He needs the perfect words, but just like so many times before, when it comes to Alaska he is drawing a blank.

Alaska doesn’t wait for an answer even though she watches him and his diversion techniques as she shovels her own food into her mouth. Every time he comes back from that place, every time he speaks of them, every time she thinks of them, which is admittedly a lot she wants to start preparations.

They did this. They might be living well now, but they weren’t for a long time. There are some things that can be replaced but some that are impossible to replace. Alaska closes her eyes for a little longer, she refuses to fall apart again, now she just swallows down the unending pain and lets it fester in her stomach.

It is already late by the time Jax has finished pushing the food around his bowl and finally given up. As soon as he looks up again, Alaska grabs his bowl, watching him eat gave her a brief snapshot of what Jax tolerated too many times before. Fortunately, he has more patience than her because otherwise she would’ve wasted away by now.

They work side by side in silence. Alaska never once pressures him, treating him in the same way that he treats her, he has to come to this decision on his own. Alaska washes the dishes and Jax silently dries, just staring out into the empty space, unseeing.

Alaska and Jax stand side by side looking in the bathroom mirror, each with a toothbrush in their mouth, brushing in perfect unison. Alaska smiles through a large white mouth full of foam. 

Jax is staring blankly at the mirror, Alaska hits him with her hip in a playful but aggressive fashion. Nearly knocking the unsuspecting man over. His blue eyes finally focus, piercing through the mirror, looking directly back at her. She looks away pretending that it had nothing to do with her. He can't help but smile around his toothbrush. 

He looks at the scene behind them. The bathroom that was such a shambles, with no running water, a large number of leaks and just generally in a chaotic disorder, is now immaculately white and clean. It was one of the first things to get renovated. 

Jax tears his eyes away from Alaska's emerald eyes to look at the bathtub. It is now nice and white and shiny but it is in much the same location as the old one was. The old bathroom was so haunted. 

It took him three whole days to get the water connected to the warehouse. Such trivial things are so hard without the proper documentation. Thankfully, it is where his father came through once again, birth certificates and passports for both Jax and Alaska having been safely stored away in a safe without Jax’s knowledge. He knew of the safe. He just didn’t know how crucial role the safe would be in the rebuilding of their lives. Torin’s was in the safe as well, but unfortunately, that was no longer necessary and it hurt so much to store back away because he should have been there with them. 

Once the water was finally connected and the leaks fixed to a state of use. That first bath that he gave to Alaska, it traumatized Jax so much. Her screams that night were something that was burned into his memory. She still had their blood all over her all those days later, he tried to wipe her down with a cloth to vicious protests. She completely shut down every time he attempted it. 

"You are taking them from me, it is all I have left, it is all I have left of them" 

Over and over, her voice was so loud and so agony filled. The once clean bath water was red and her hands were desperately gripping the water. It was horrifying to witness and it was even worse to be the cause of this level of distress.

Jax went to sleep dreaming of those words. He woke up in a cold sweat with those words reverberating around his brain. 

It was a task that had to be done but Jax had never felt guilt like that before in his life and he hopes he never has to again. It was such a little thing, but it was the harshest bit they went through in the entire three years. Everything else was tedious, long, drawn out. But that was so fast, somehow it affected him the most.

When works were being done, he was the one that removed the bath himself with his bare hands, taking great satisfaction in making his fists, knees and hands bleed as he ripped apart the cast iron tub as if in a desperate rage, as if the inanimate object was his enemy. 

As if it was the baths fault for what happened, he couldn't shoulder the blame himself, it was directed at something that was removable. 

Thinking of how it was back then and looking at Alaska now, the cheeky smile on her beautiful face knowing she is trying to put him at ease even with such a large question that she is so invested in dangling over his head. 

She has come so far and he has really pushed the idea of revenge in her recovery because there was nothing else that was working. 

If he were to deny that to her now, wouldn't that make him a hypocrite? 

Jax calmly brushes his teeth, spitting out the toothpaste and rinsing his mouth. He places a gentle hand on Alaska's shoulder as he kisses her hard on the forehead. His lips tingle and he curses himself that the little contact means more than it should. He is racked with guilt every time he feels more than he should, but there is no way to turn off how he feels. 

His lips linger a little longer than they should but he needs this to calm him. 

"You know all the reasons that I don’t want to do this. I am scared Alaska. If I lose what we have built, I don’t think I have the energy to start from scratch again. If I lose you too… well that would be the end of me, it is a possibility that I dare not entertain"

"I know all this"

Alaska is not so blinded by her hatred that she can’t see the facts. She knows how badly it could go wrong but she is in no rush and wants to do it right. There will be no second chance.

Jax takes a deep rasping breath in, his fists are clenched, his chest is tight and his stomach is tying nervous knots. He can’t even look in her eyes, just once again looking at his own reflection in the mirror.

"Come to me with a fool-proof plan that will make them suffer but simultaneously keep us safe and I will consider it"

Alaska practically jumps in excitement, her whole face changes when she is genuinely happy, her face appears so much softer, her pale skin has a crimson glow. Anyone would believe that Jax had given her a golden ticket but there are such heavy stipulations placed upon the agreement that it will be near impossible to reach. But any form of permission is what Alaska has been waiting for, she is finally able to channel everything she has learned into this.

"Thank you Jax, you won’t regret this"

Jaxson presses his lips into a thin line, while he cherishes seeing that glitter in her eyes once again, he fears that his acceptance will ultimately cause him to lose her.

"What if I told you I already did?"

Alaska grabs the front of Jax’s shirt as she pulls him down, placing a kiss on his cheek.

"I would pretend I didn’t hear you and walk away really quickly before you repeated it"

Alaska smiles a cheeky grin and raises her eyebrows, releasing his shirt as she runs from the bathroom. Jax reaches out to catch her but his hand comes back empty and somewhat cold. Jax can only look at the solo figure staring back at him in the mirror. The one whose blue eyes look lost, his face is twisted into a sad bitter smile, a smile he has seen on that face way too many times these three years. His voice is a soft whisper as he speaks to that figure.

"I really regret it"