For the first time since the Abyss, since never, since thine kingdom come, Ahmed is clowning and i am not in on it. Being so close to Amanda is distracting. Intoxicating. She's shed her denim, and the homey scent of the outdoors after rain is directly in my face. Her body is warm in the sudden chill that accompanied the cloudburst, and pressed against mine it produces an electrifying feeling. It's like rapture came early and i made it to heaven. I managed to snake an arm around her back, slid it to her waist, almost to her hip before my courage burnt itself out. She pulls at the tail of a long cornrow and her scent wharfs over. Heady. Strong. Maddening.
Lord have mercy.
Now i am fairly positive any guy could turn stalker given the right woman. Like yesterday i was on that girls-are-for-little-boys kind of vibe. Now i am almost losing it, breathing in a body fragnance. I am so focused on her that i don't even notice when the semblance of
I scoot away a little bit and pull at the black band on my wrist. My ears are as hot as sizzling oil."So i listened to J.Cole." he says out of no-where."And?""He's not bad at all." he admits, albeit reluctantly."Not bad at all." I exclaim"He's so dope." We say at the same time and grin at each other."But i know you still won't admit he's better than Eminem, right?""Uh no. Capital letter N O. They are two entirey different people."I pretend to perceive a bad smell in the air and sniff at it. "What's that smell?""What smell, " he asks befuddled " i can't perceive anything.""Aha," i exclaim "i know that smell, it's the stench of defeat."He laughs, full teeth on display. There's a valley between the end of his nose and the top of his upper lip that i could lay my lie down for. I didn't realize that philtrums could be so attractive before now. Maybe they aren't. M
She kissed me then. No—she kisses me then, with her face sandwiched between my hands. The present is a better way to describe it.I am here in the now, in the present, not unsure of tomorrow, or trying to imagine i am Eragon or Frodo or Okonkwo. Her face is pressed against mine, so hard that it's a surprise her forehead doesn't melt into mine. Her fingers are soft against my nape. For once Deziri is speechless and i can't feel that ever-present, ever-terrified eight year old part of me lurking, trying to find an escape route from the present.For once the world i'm in is perfect enough.She made that world. She is that world.
He tastes just as pretty as he looks, like an undiscovered spice; untouched and exotic. My nose seems to like being so close to him too, it brushes against the end of his small button nose as if it's trying to say 'hi'. The love stories and the mills and boons tell you that people melt into a kiss, that your skin sizzles of your bones inflamed by passion.I don't know about that. I didn't melt. I didn't 'catch fire' as they always describe it.Nah. I just disintegrated. Disintegrated into tiny vulnerable bits that only exist in this world, tiny bits that only exist in these moments.I am nothingness. I am like the swooning wind, or like a hiking rivulet running its course through a green jungle. I am free. Floating in nothingness.I could exist only in this moment and be contented forever.Dripping love, bleeding love.If a second were
Pascal always walks us to the junction after we visit. Outside is an after-rain kind of dark. The heavens are a thick blue canvas spread so low as to make rooftops resemble scraps of paper collaged into a humongous mosaic. Brown puddles dot the streets; some barely the size of a grown man's foot, others the width of a small lagoon. We have to dodge and leap over their welcoming watery arms, like Another time Sis. The barbing Saloon less than ten feet away from Pascal's is jamming up Olamide's issa goal on its speaker and the thing is so noisy that the provisions store next to it is practically shivering, tremors from the stereo's bass pulsate up and down its walls. It reminds me of another day, acutely similar to this one, with a little less downpour and clearer clouds. We were doing our usually walk home at turtle pace when the world started to scream."Goal!"From taxi cabs, stalls, bars; Gee even the mechanic at the corner of the road
Perhaps i was feeling different, weightless and fuller at the same time, and i needed someone to talk to about it. Maybe a part of me wanted approval. Maybe it's just that i talk more than i should. Either way, i tell Aunty seedy about Chideziri. We are catching up on Funke Akindele's Jennifa's diary when i do so. (Swears that lady is our very own Taraji p. Henson.)I spend time I should be laughing my bowels out to mould and remould sentences in my head to fit what i need to say; I was never much good at the Fine arts though, so it comes out really far from perfection.I swear, there's really no perfect way to tell someone you've idolized your whole life such stuff.Boys make everything more complicated like that.So i blurt out my truth, raw and uncovered. It burns coming up, but when it does come up i feel like a boulder i didnt even know was on my shoulders got craned off. It's only natural, i think. Up until now
There are countless silences, all noisy in their own manner.There is the silence that speaks when spoken to, and broods when not.There's the silence that walks with weariness in its gait, the one that fatigue has robbed of it's virtue.There's the silence that bellows when anger smithed words will not suffice. The silence that seethes and bristles at the back of our minds.Then there is the silence that visits us when words are not enough to say. When the world is but a forgotten stepping stone, and we are all that matters. When i am listening to the tune of your voice plucking the strings of my heart and all i can breathe is you.I like that comfortable quiet that sneaks in upon us in a murmur of solace, that quiet that requires two to make. That is my favourite kind silence.I found that silences talk, and that they are loud, and opinionated.I learnt that silences say more than words ever speak
First thing i do in every morning is turn on my data connection.Yes, i know, it's phone addiction, you will damage your eyes, the sensitive rays from a phone are capable of causing cancer—bla-bla-bla—Keep the advice to yourself.It's Friday again. TGIF. But Mumsi still isn't back from her trip. It's unlike her, to travel suddenly then over stay on top of that. But i would be telling you lies, if i say I'm not enjoying the bit of peace I've gotten so far. I sleep a bit while letting the status' on my WhatsApp load. Earlier, in the middle of the night when I had to wake up to take a piss, it was like i was at the north-pole, freezing myself out in a singlet and an old pair of jeans, Tobi cut at the knees with a sharp pair of scissors. Now I'm in full cold-weather-proof-armour. I'm talking about beanie, hoodie, jean trousers, and stocking-ed feet. I snuggle into the now warm folds of my tussled sheets and enjoy the last streaks of night.Ma
Trouble is not anosmic as you would think. Trouble stinks, with a fetid aroma like sulphur roasting a corpse. My nose has been trained to seek it out since the day a lorry tried to put its metal rib cage straight through Mum and I, since the day i woke up in n a hospital bed with an inferno in my lungs and lead flowing in my veins.I got to school late, as usual. If i was a junior i believe my life right at this point will be one full of frog jumps and kneeling out in the open for hours, the sun in my face. I've been there and done all of that, enough for five life times. I waltz into the class like a princess from some fairy tale story.Welcome to the benefits of being in SS3. You are a student and at the same time, you're not. Check this; you could put a javelin through the white marker board and get a pat on the shoulder as punishment, but God help you, you dare staff. You'll be handled like a terrorist. No lie. And trust when i say it's neither a Queen'
Calling Ma to tell her the exam is over will only make her rush me, I think.Today is the one day I don't want to rush things. So when others pull out their phones and gather round for selfies and corny posts such as GRADUATE IN A BIT or BEEN HERE, DONE THAT, I push my phone deeper into the slash pocket of my overall."And we good to go!" my best friend appears just as she disappeared: when I wasn't looking, and all of a sudden.She stretches her arms out for a hug."Ewwww." I dodge her. My best friend, Amanda, only seems to want hugs after one of her many visits to the toilets. There's enough bacteria on the doors alone to kickstart an epidemic."You know you want this hug," Amanda grins, inching closer.The periodic toilet frolicking is normal, the usual. The grinning is new. Whatever Port-Harcourt did to her was good. She even let me read her journal for like six seconds—which is a record. She n
I slump onto the grass next to Chideziri. He keeps staring up ahead into the tree, as if he's looking for something in particular, not paying me any mind. "G." Nothing. I shove his shoulder. Still nothing. "Are you going to sit here sulking all day?" Finally, he looks at me. "I can try, can't I?" "It's passing out day, you fool. We had plans, remember?" "Frankly, I don't." He says. I raise a brow at him; he only shrugs. I adjust myself till I am lying on my back in the untrimmed grass. "Well, since you don't remember, I'll wait here until your mermory starts to come back." "You'll be waiting for a long time" "I have enough time." I fire back. "Jesus Christ." Chideziri mutters. "Don't use the name of the Lord in vain, bro." "Guy, g
After four months of complete drought, March releases the first rains.Rooftops turn red with dust filled water, dust that accumulated over the dry season. Children play around under the rain, splashing in puddles.I spend half of most days in second term numb and staring. Staring at the teacher, at the writing on the board that makes no sense to me whatsoever, at the wall clock hung above the marker board. Then I spend the other half of the day noticing I'm numb and staring.In church, I no longer swing my shoulders to the music. I don't listen to J.Cole anymore.She is too everywhere. Too present to be so absent. My clothes smell of rain-beaten leaves, of abandonment, of freshly written poems. How hard I scrub makes no noticeable difference. Weeks after January the sixth, my knuckles are red and raw from trying to scrub her away, and failing to.She is too everywhere.I learn to stay in my room, curtains drawn
Queen's is as quiet and sprawling as I remember. Almost too quiet. The pinafores are also as I remember, shining from excessive ironing. But now the shirts are cardboard paper and the weather is always so dry that I have to keep lipbalm in my bag, just in case my lips crack. Again.Lorita's here, and she definitely missed me. I get cupcakes literally every day of the week, and a lot of guilt trip for that one time I abandoned her, went to Port-Harcourt, and while there, lived my best life.The absolute best thing about being back is that Queen's installed a new track. I'm feeling it.Now, I can run.As far as I want, as far as my legs will carry me. So fast that I fly. I close my eyes and there I'm in PH city, with Chideziri, sprinting, the rain right behind us.When I open my eyes, he isn't there.~
CHIDEZIRI I kiss her now, because when she's gone, I want to remember how her smile tastes mixed with tears. I want to remember the flayed pink that the sky took on, how rays peered down through clouds. I want to remember the mangroves, their dying leaves forming a glade of rusted confetti. I want to remember the sun, before it was eclipsed. ~ AMANDALeft to Aunty Seedy, suffocation by embracing is how I'd die."Nne, I'll miss you sorely." She says, smothering me. I lose count after the seventh hug. All our stuff will be moved to her house. Sofas,
The trees outside my window are almost naked now, burnt to figs by the ever angry sun. In the darkness of dawn, their branches resemble bones. I can't sleep, and being awake staring at the skeleton branches isn't helping, so I take Tobi's hoodie and leave the house. Outside is silent, much like everything else. So silent that when I pass the playround, I can hear the grass whistle. I walk. I walk by the tailors shop, to Close 4 and past. Past the hulking buildings and lonely trees. I walk till I get to the river. Elimgbu river has sunken so low that the stones underneath break its glassy surface. The first time we were here, it was full to its brim. Leaves floated on its surface. Pebbles lived under. It was beautiful. That is the thing about faded glory. It always starts out beautiful.
January, the sixth arrives quickly, quietly. January, the sixth steals our time. I wake up not remembering what the day means, at first. It comes to me slowly. The night before we leave, the night before January the sixth, I learn two things: there are two kinds of hunger, and one can keep you up all night, staring at the ceiling and missing a place and people you are yet to leave. It is two O'Clock in the morning and disconcertingly quiet when I decide that I can't endure the trashing and turning. I take a book from the shelf that will no longer be mine by evening, purple hibiscus, with the cracks on its cover and Adichie's delighted face above its blurb, and I go to the sitting room that will not be ours by evening. There, I turn on the light and cozy up on the couch. Halfway through the first chapter, feet shuffle in the hallway and Dad emerges from
Ahmed is stuck at his mother's shop. But as always, he finds a way to vanish. Abe's on his way already. Pacal posted pictures of the places his family had been to today: cinema, swimming at a pool and Ferris wheeling. The mere sight of the Ferris wheel gave me vertigo.By the tone of his last text, he's down for a reunion. Although he's never been as good as Ahmed at vanishing, I know he'll be there. Chantelle gets there first, to our spot at the river. Her sister's nurse friends visited, and in her words, turned the house into a marketplace. Amanda arrives last. The sun has sunk below the horizon by then and mosquitoes are biting. "I come bearing gifts!" she bellows, stomping down the planks, her footsteps heavy with the weight of five paperbags she's clutching. "Since when did Amanda become Santa?" Abe says. Yet he grabs his gift bag when it's offered.&nbs
Christmas is explosive. Literally so. The number of fireworks produced in a single annum is alarming. But what is even more alarming is the fact that the effing hoodlums that deadbeat parents in my neighbourhood call their children seem to think that detonating all those fireworks in the street just beyond our gate is cool. On Christmas eve, after one "knock-out" landed on our roof, I reached the end of my thoroughly stretched patience. I stormed out to yelled at a couple of them loitering in the street. All of which I did barefooted.Don't blame me, I was spectacularly pissed.The twenty fifth—Christmas day itself—is spent out of our house and in Aunty Seedy's, with her and Ozo. Dad wanted us to go to Chicken Republic, or one of the many fancy restuarants he made it his business to locate in the area once we arrived, since neither of us can boil an egg.