002

CLYONE

I sticked back the photo on the wall. How can you still look so attractive with that look? Dark circles — literally dark as if you playfully drew a round shape around your eyes with a marker and evident lines of dark veins in your pale skin; lifeless yet alive. Whoever will see that for the first time will surely be frightened. Even I will. 

I beamed as I stared for a few more second on the photo before I stepped backward. I turned back to face the bed behind me. The sheets are now all neat and clean. No trace of any red stain, just the purity of its color.

I sighed before I toddled back to the bed and sit on it. My both hands hold on to the bed from behind as my support. I looked up and stared at the attic door. Above it is where I found something... well, not so nice yet not so bad but an important memory. It's where I usually hear strange thuds every night since that day.

A tiny smile formed in my lips as my eyes remained on the attic door. I have so many what if's running in my mind not just today, but even from yesterday, the other day before yesterday and many more day and night. I couldn't stop thinking about the results of those what if's. That's why I always drown myself with the same thoughts. It's always the same routine.

But, really, Deron. What if I didn't listen? What if I found out so soon? What if your plan didn't went as you planned it? What if all the decisions I made those days were the opposite? Would the events remain the same or a massive change will occur?

My smile dropped when I heard a thud from the attic. A loud and familiar thud. It's like going back to that night when curiousity formed in my head. But then, my heart started pounding really fast. My fingers grasped to the sheet I was holding as my eyes got stucked above.

My body froze on my place. It's like my whole system had stopped working. I don't know what to do and I don't know what to think. My mind just went blank. Then, another thud filled my ears. It was loud and clear... and familiar.

With no hesitation, I got up from the bed. I took the long hook beside the vanity table next to the bedside table. I walked over the spot where the attic door was and pulled it down. I, then, took the wooden ladder next to the vanity table and placed it under the attic door. When I climbed up, I stopped right under the scuttle hole. I used to get scared going up alone. I'm scared of the darkness of this specific place, afraid that I might see something I don't wanna see. Something terrifying. Something that is world crashing.

I swallowed hard as I looked up when I felt a cold breeze coming from above, as if it's hugging me. I could see the roof from down here. An indescribable feeling formed inside me; a mixture feeling of fear, excitement and hope. Screw it. I'll keep my hopes high.

Without any hesitation, I entered the attic. Darkness greeted me as I helped myself up. When my feet finally touched the floor, my steps gotten heavier. I can't even move from where I am standing, so I roamed my eyes around instead, but failed to see anything. Despite of the murky view, I managed to sense the covered window from my front. So I walked over there and removed the wooden cover of it. The sunlight embraced the darkness and replaced it with its warmness.

I, then, turned to my back to face the whole room. The trace of a massive red stain on the floor is now gone. The boxes filled with old and unused stuffs are all organized as well. Spiderwebs are also evident on the roof. Some are stucked on the string that serves as the light switch of the only light bulb at the middle of the room.

I sighed in disappointment. It's same old thing. No trace of what I am looking for. Not even a rat that could made such thuds. Am I imagining things then?

Once again, I sighed. I guess I just gave myself another false hope.

A creaking sound filled the whole room in every step I made as I walk back to the attic door. I quietly climbed down the wooden ladder, making another creaking sound to break the silence. It's so deafening.

I placed back the hook and ladder I used to their place before I sat back to the bed. I closed my eyes and slumped on it. I just got here for a few minutes yet I'm starting to have another break down again.

I sighed as I remembered the memories of the first night I went here.

I am currently cooking a ramen while watching you across, cleaning up the mess on the floor as you said. I just noticed how strange your actions were. You were so slow, so careful, and so silent. How could you manage to lie, saying you're all good when uncheerfulness is so evident in your attitude today?

Cooking the ramen only took me a few minute to finish. When I'm done, I called you right away and you immediately obeyed as well. You sat at one of the stool in the island and started your food. I sat next to the stool to you as well and stared. You're still the same: quiet and lifeless yet alive. 

Thinking from the present now that I am just reminiscing, the lifeless makes sense.

But then, you noticed that I am staring so you stopped from stirring and blowing the food to face me. Instead of speaking, you just raised your brows and gave me a questioning yet soft look.

"I'm sorry about earlier," I started. 

You say nothing, but hold my right hand instead before going back to what you are doing; completely diverting your attention to something else.

"Deron, I'm really worried." Once again, you didn't utter a single word but squeezed my hand instead, as if assuring me that it's fine. I sighed.

"You know I'm your girl, Deron. What's the purpose of being your girl if you're not going to tell me your problem?"

"Perhaps, there's no problem at all."

"There obviously is. Admit it, you're not fine."

"Only you are thinking that."

"Deron." I sighed as I closed my eyes tightly. I, then, heard the clattering sound from the bowl and spoon stopped. I opened my eyes only to see you staring. We stared for a while before you suddenly pulled the stool I am in nearer with your both hands. Then, you held my both hands and squeezed it. Despite of holding a hot bowl, your hands are still icy and the coldness still lingers on my skin.

"I asked you to come over, so you won't be sad anymore. Stop worrying."

"Too bad. Your attitude's causing me distress right now." 

Again, you say nothing. So, I sighed as I got up from the stool and hugged you. You leaned the right side of your head on my tummy and hugged me back.

"I get it that you're going through something, and probably, it's too personal to talk it out with me. I just want you to admit that you really are going through something, then I'll be fine. I just don't want you to keep it to yourself while I keep wondering what's happening to you. I need to know what are you up to, so at least, I know how am I going to support you."

Looking down on you as I am towering you with the current height, I saw you closed your eyes while I brush the back of your head with my hand.

"I'm sorry for causing you distress, and probably the upcoming more week... days... months... years." I sighed as I sit back to the stool. I cupped both of your cheeks and beamed.

"You're not a burden if that's what you're thinking. I just don't like seeing you this sad, so I wanted to help." 

My brows arched, confusion plastered on my face as I watched your eyes became watery and red.

"W-Why are you..."

"I'm sorry for leaving. I didn't mean to, but it just happened."

Here we go with such a weird conversation again.

"What do you mean leaving? You're right here infront of me."

But you just pulled me into a cold embrace. Your nose rested on my right shoulder as you sniffed my scent. I did nothing, but hugged you tighter as I rested my chin at the top of your left shoulder.

"I'll always miss you," you blurted. 

Well, makes sense. And I want you to know that I feel the same. Speaking from the present, still reminiscing, there's no day that I didn't feel that way. I'm still missing you and I will always do.

"Please, you're making me more worried."

Your hugged only tightened, so I had no choice, but to feel you beside me. Somehow, I regret not cherishing that moment. I'm more distressed that night as my feelings are mixed and confusing: annoyed, tired yet sympathizing with you. Now, I am longing for that embrace of yours.

"You know I love you, right? I'll always do. Keep that in mind."

"Deron." I was about to pull away, but you didn't let me to and hugged me tighter instead which is something I owe you.

Just by reminiscing the memories now, it felt like I am really having your presence with me. The freezy embrace felt surreal just by thinking about it.

"You're not dying. Shut up." I closed my eyes as I hugged you tighter which I wish I could make it a little more tighter. Perhaps, a tightness that will never let you go.

"Who knows? You might be sleeping next to a corpse tonight."

"You're scaring me," I wisphered.

"Don't be. I'm with you." I say nothing, but tightened the hug even more, even though it felt like no force was added.

What do you mean by that? You're with me only by that night or you're with me always?

After you ate, we decided to finish cleaning up the mess on your living room. Afterwards, we went to your bedroom. Not so long, another argument started.

I was holding your hand behind me as I enter first the door. I looked over you when I felt you squeezed my hand really tight. Your head hung low as the fingers of your free hand played with the hem of your shirt. You seemed anxious and tensed. My brows furrowed.

"What's wrong?" Your head immediately looked up to meet my eyes. They're lightly widened and your brows are both raised. Not even paying attention.

"You looked tense."

"I'm-I'm fine," you assured, but jokes on you. Who will believe such lies, Deron, when the right answer clearly states the opposite of yours?

Giving up on your lies, I just sighed before I diverted my attention back to the light switch I am groping. When a light of ball shined to the whole room, another mess greeted me. But what caught my attention the most was the evident voluminous stain of red liquid on the white comforter in your bed and another one on the floor just at the front of the bed, but smaller from the sheet. There were splashed stains on the white wall as well. The stains were so evident since every place where they were scattered are pure white.

I felt you let go of my hand, just right when I turned to face you with a creased face. You're looking down as you fiddled with your fingers infront of you.

"Another one, Deron. Really. What's with the stains?"

"It was... It was paint."

"You're saying that you painted here in your room when you're not even fond of painting?"

"I just wanted to try and decided to do it here in my room since I'm more comfortable here." Softness is evident on your tone and face and it always melts my heart whenever the sound lingers in my ears. But I must not fall for another softy Deron right now. I really need answers. Something that will make this worriments go away.

"You said earlier that you just got home. You even said that you got robbed and that's all the mess down there about. What? The thieves painted the bed?" Sarcasm is plastered on my tone because really, who else would make those stains if nobody's here?

"I'll clean it up." You stepped forward, but before you could take another one, I spoke up that made you stop.

"Again? How long are you going to avoid the questions?"

"You said you're fine of me not telling anything because it's private. Why are you getting mad now?" Your lips formed a sly pout as you stared straight to my eyes. That made me sigh as I turned my back at you. I closed my eyes very tight.

You're right though. I said I only want you to admit if something's wrong, so at least, I am aware, but didn't asked you to tell everything. But isn't this one different? Perhaps, every mess in this house. What does the stains have to do with the sadness you are going through?

For the nth time, I heaved out a sigh before facing you.

"Does the mess have something to do with whatever you are going through? I honestly can't think of any that could rhyme with the mess. If it's the thieves, then what the hell is this stain they used and why would they put such thing?" You were about to walk again, but my words stopped you.

"You're lying." You met my eyes and stared blankly.

"You're hiding something, aren't you?" 

This time you're the one who sighed. You walked closer and pulled me into a tight yet icy hug. I couldn't hug you back as I am still mad, but you tighten the hug, making sure you're embracing my whole body in an assuring manner.

"I'm fine, Clyone. Everyhting is fine. You don't need to worry about a thing. Just spend the whole week with me and I'll tell you everything on the last day."

"Did you really got robbed or something more happened?"

"I'm sorry for lying."

I heaved out a sigh and leaned the side of my head at the top of your shoulder. You really have no plan of telling me, are you?

Just thinking the lame exuces makes me wanna laugh right now. It must be hard for you to think of an excuse to cover up another excuse especially if the excuses doesn't make sense at all. Really? You just got home and found out that you got robbed then you'll suddenly say that you were here, trying out something you are not fond of doing? Jokes on you, eh?

"Give me an honest answer. What happened here?"

"I can't tell you unless it's the last day of our vacation."

"So, you didn't got robbed and you were here the whole day?" You let out a soft hum as an answer. I heaved out a sigh.

"Let's just clean up, shall we?" You pulled away slowly until a small distance formed in between us, but you didn't let go of my hands.

"Trust me, it's for the best."

"Sure." But there's no trace of satisfaction in my face nor voice. You gave me a reassuring smile instead, then you pinched my right cheek and smiled. 

Oh, how I missed that smile of yours. I wish I could take a look at them everyday like before.

"I love you, hm?"

"Let's just clean up." I turned my back on you that made you give me a hug from the back as you follow my step.

The robbery thing, the red stains, the broken stuffs, all the mess. I don't need you to tell me exactly what happened that night. I shoul've known why everything was like that. They are the answers already. Only if I am smarter to know that.

But somehow, someway, my foolishness has a reason. If I found out, would you vanish?

It only took as half an hour to clean up the mess since we're both moving. Well, we have to. It's getting really late and I'm starting to lose up all the energy left on me. I wanted to rest right away.

I was the first one to clean up myself since you insisted. Despite of how weird you were, you still cared like how you usually do. And you were the last to use the bathroom. Even though I wanted to sleep right away when I laid on the now clean and neat bed, I couldn't help but stay still to wait for you.

The sound of the water running out of the shower from the bathroom broke the deafening silence of the whole room. A familiar vanilla scent lingered on my nose as I spaced out while staring at the ceiling.

I often sleep here at your place since you call me almost everyday to be with you because you feel lonely. Who to blame? Both of your parents wanted you to stay at their place still, but you wanted to have your own place already. Now, you are seeking for people's presence. And if I were to pick my favorite part in staying here at your place, it would be cuddling before sleeping. I can't wait to give you a comforting hug once you get out of the bathroom.

I'm still spacing out, staring at the ceiling, when a loud thud lingers in my ears. It sounds... weird. And it seemed like it came from the attic. My brows furrowed.

I waited for another thud since my ears might be manipulating me or something, but the thuds are real. The second thud was followed by another after a few seconds. Curiousity started to fill my head. Now, I am sitting at the bed, staring at the attic door. I am pretty sure that the noise came from there.

Another thud. Now, that's pushing me to find out whatever's up there. I immediately got up from the bed and walked next to the vanity table. I took the hook we usually used for opening the attic door and the wooden white ladder for climbing up the attic.

Everything was set in place: the ladder and the hook. I was holding the hook and was about to hook it to the small hole formed from the not so thin yet not so thick curved made of steel for opening the door, when I heard the bathroom door opened.

I looked over the bathroom. There, I saw your face popping out of the door, water is still dripping down to the strands of your wet hair. And you're looking straight to my eyes. That's when I noticed that the shower has been turned off.

"What are you doing?" you asked, back with the soft tone. At least, I got to see your smile earlier.

"I heard some loud thuds from here. I just wanna check."

"There's nothing in there." 

Okay? But reminiscing these memories now, I wanted to ask: are you sure? There's nothing in there, huh? Then perhaps, could you explain what I saw on the last day? Is that nothing at all?

"What about the thuds? I heard it thrice."

"Probably just rats." I furrowed my brows.

"Aren't rats too small to make such loud thuds?"

"Aren't a bunch of rats not enough to make such loud thuds?" My brows furrowed. 

Why would such bunch of rats will run in one go? And why would he let rats live in the attic when he got stuffs stored in there?

"Is that something I'll only know on the last day, too?" Because the excuse doesn't make sense at all.

You smiled and nodded your head softly. My shoulders dropped as I beamed and sighed.

"Fine. You got surprises, huh?" You weren't wrong when you said you got surprises. The last day really surprised my whole world, like literally. I just wish you never came up with such surprises like that. You could've pick something else. Something that could give excitement or happiness, not something dreadful.

"I'll get clothes." I only nodded as you went out of the bathroom while I took back the hook and the ladder to their right place.

"But can't you at least give me some clue?"

"Surprises are surprises. No spoilers. Spend the vacation that way. I'd be really glad if you'd obey," you answered as you take some clothes out of your wardrobe, half naked. I could see the dripping drops of water from your bare back from the bed.

"But why can't you tell though? If you got robbed or something, is it that hard to tell? It's not like I'll blame you or something." I took the pillow next to me and hugged it as I leaned at the headboard behind me.

"It's not robbery. It's something else. Trust me when I say you'll rather know it on the last day."

You were right. I'd rather know it on the last day. Perhaps, I'd rather stay that way, not knowing anything. Maybe that way, you'll remain by my side. If I have to be blinded by the lies just to have you near, then I'll gladly accept that.

"I'm tired," you blurted as you walked nearer to the bed. I watched you with a sly smile, still leaning on the headboard.

"Come here." I extended my hand to gesture you to come over as you crawled to the bed, now wearing your pajamas.

"Had a long day?" I asked as I stare down on you while your head is leaned on my chest with your hands wrapped on my waist. You hummed as an answer.

"Sleep then. We'll continue tomorrow."

"Do you mind spending the vacation on a house? No travelling." You looked up on me and stared, waiting for my answer. I smiled.

Now I understand why you wanted to spend the vacation here in your place. You wanted to build memories in every corner so whenever I visit here, I have something to reminisce in every area I'll look.

"You know how much I prefer to stay at home with you rather than travelling."

"Right." I chuckled and so do you.

"Hang on, I'll turn the lights off." You pulled away from the hug. I let you go. 

You headed to the switch and turned it off. Only the lampshade beside the bed lights the whole room. But for a second in there, when the shade of darkness hits you, something indescribabble formed inside me: confusion and fear. I know what I see and I am pretty sure I am not hallucinating. Your skin was so pale and there's a dark circle around your eyes. There were some shades of black at your cheeks; some are in your forehead. You look scary. But when the light from the lampshade hits your face, I was surprised yet confused that you look normal.

I started to question myself if I really am hallucinating or not.

"What?" you asked when you noticed the way I stared. I shook my head as I gestured you to come closer. We went back to that same position again, but confusion didn't leave my head. What was that trick with my eyes?