So, I will just sit here and watch him. As he steps out, I get up. I begin slowly taking my clothes off on the way to the shower, dropping them on the floor along the way. I watch as his eyes explore my body like they always do as I step into the shower. He sits on the bed, his eyes still watching me. I laugh. “No time. You need to get dressed.” I continue laughing while getting washed quickly. If I can’t have sex, well, then he can’t watch me. There is no time. “If you can watch me, well, I can watch you, and I plan to.” He doesn’t move, his eyes still fixed on my body. I always shower with the door open like him but, seeing as he teased me, I guess I won’t. I grab the handle and slide the shower door shut. I laugh quietly, as I know I have won and there is nothing he can do about it. I can hear him complaining and muttering from the room, the tinted shower door blocking his view. The door flies open, his body steps into the shower, his hands pushing me against the wall. Moving
Jackson pulls me forward. As we walk to my Dad, he just smiles, kissing my forehead. I make my way around the guests, saying ‘Thank you for coming’. Yet, I can’t concentrate. Does my Dad know? I stop and notice Jake. I instantly feel the smile on my face. He walks over to me, and I watch, amazed by how much he seems to have changed while away. He doesn’t look like the Jake I know, he seems different, yet he is still Jake, my best friend growing up. His arms wrap around me. He picks me up and swings me around, cuddling me and laughing. Hell! Movement, too much movement. I hold back the moans, biting my lip. The balls move around, hitting each other inside me, causing my pleasure to rise. I push against him to get down. Jake looks at me, confused. I don’t even have underwear on. Please don’t say anyone saw anything. “Sorry, I just feel dizzy, that is all.” I can’t exactly tell him the truth. Jackson is watching me closely, and I feel like throwing something hard at him. How can I en
Losing track of time, I walk around looking at it. “I wondered where you were.” I jump at the sound of Jake’s voice, turning to see him. The realisation hits that I was that engulfed in the room, I hadn’t heard him come in. I stand, frozen, feeling weird, being in this room with him. I watch as his body slowly moves towards me. He stops in front of me, smiling gently. “Maybe I should have fought harder and come back to get you from Max, then maybe it could be me enjoying this with you, and not Jackson.” His words are cold and harsh. My mind laughs. What is it with men, seriously? No one wanted to save me from Max. Now, for some reason, everyone wants me! “Jake, you’re a friend, a very good friend. That is all. No one would have gotten me away from Max, only me. You had a girlfriend. You were never here, so it wouldn’t have worked. I see you as a friend, nothing more.” I hope he listens. I don’t want today to end on a sour note, and right now, it is going to. He pushes against
“I thought you realised the rule, Alena? Why would you do that? Do you really not care about our relationship?” His words confuse me, all this because of how much I drank. “I didn’t realise how much I was drinking. I was sitting waiting for you, worried about you. This is partly your fault as well for ignoring the god-damn phone.” I am shouting, and it isn’t the best idea. It makes me feel even sicker. I try to take deep breaths to calm down, hoping the sick feeling will leave me. “I don’t give a shit about you drinking right now. I mean you and Marcus. You were really going to cheat on me? If you want to go down the route of sleeping with other men, fine, but don’t think I will still be here.” What the hell has Marcus said? Why would he even say this? The realisation hits me, I had lied to Jackson. Marcus knew I didn’t want him to know about Jake, so what else could he have said happened? As much as I didn’t want Jackson to know, I can’t let him think that, and I certainly don’t
Waking up, I feel less hungover, the emotions and memories still plaguing my mind. I just want to forget them and move on, so I push them away. Getting up, I walk into the shower. I stand still, the feel of the water soothing and relaxing me as I close my eyes, enjoying this moment. I feel arms wrap around me, making me relax more, leaning my head back onto his chest. “I wouldn’t have walked away, even if Marcus was telling the truth. I would not have walked away from you. I would have forgiven you. I know it is stupid, but life without you, Alena, wouldn’t be life. I would be hurt, yes, but I would never walk away.” His grip tightens, his hands grasping mine, raising them. “I don’t expect you to talk to me about it. I just want you to talk. I can see you're hiding everything Alena, and the last thing I want is you hurting.” His lips start kissing my neck, and I feel like I am breaking, like the porcelain doll. I can’t stop it. Somehow, he has unlocked everything. “I hide everythin
I can’t do it. I need to go to him. I need him now. I start turning, and he stops me, turning me back to the window. I feel his hands grabbing mine and watch as he ties the rope around them before pushing them against the window. I moan, pushing my body back towards him, needing him. The sting of his hand hitting my ass makes me scream. I can’t stop myself. I try to turn again, to pull him to me, he stops me and turns me back to the window. “My dirty slut doesn’t want me to hold back. Well, I am not. Stay that way.” His hand hits my ass again. I moan, my mind spinning, my heart pounding. I swear it is ready to fly away. I feel him move closer to me, his naked body behind mine. His hand wraps around me, and his fingers play with my clit. I moan, and my body instantly pushes down on his fingers, wanting them inside me. I feel his cock, right on my sex, pushing gently, teasing. I push back, trying to get more of him, my hands coming away from the window. “Did I say you could move yo
I realise now what was said. Turning to Jackson, I decided to ask. “What do you two need to talk about?” I sound rude, it has nothing to do with me, or so I hope. “Marcus and Maria are having issues. They have been having issues actually for years.” I am shocked. That is not the answer I was expecting. “She loves him. They will be fine, I am sure.” I smile at him, feeling like this isn’t a conversation we should be having. “Love is not always enough Alena. They started dating young, almost still children. As they have grown they have changed, their wants and needs changed.” I feel so bad for Maria. Marcus is often full-on, he loves her, but maybe the open relationship isn’t the best for them. “Poor Maria.” The words came out before I have a chance to stop them. Jackson turns and looks at me, perplexed. “Poor Maria? Why Maria? He has hardly changed. He still wants the same from life, from her. It is her who has changed, who wants things differently. It is her who has now deci
Walking into the girls’ room, I pick Katy up, and Jackson picks up Isabella. We carry them downstairs to the party, where everyone is waiting. It has been a nice day. They opened their presents, and ate cakes, yes, plural, because they apparently had to have their own cakes. Why, I have no idea, because one was big enough for them both, yet, no matter how well today is going, I keep catching glimpses of Jackson, hurt and in pain, trying to hide it. What though, I don’t know. Catching him briefly, I stop him, trying to find out. “What’s wrong? I can see it, Jackson. You’re hiding something.” My words are soft. I have a feeling I know what it is, and I know there is no way to fix that sort of pain. “I am fine, just let’s enjoy today.” He goes to walk past me, and I move in front of him, knowing if he wants to, he could just pick me up and move me. “No lies, no secrets.” I look at him, waiting. “Things like this just remind me of Tallulah, the fact she never got her first birthday,
Sitting, we talk about the wedding and her plans, ideas and what she wants. “So, I have kept quiet for an hour, talk.” Looking at her, I know what she means but I am not sure I want to talk about it, yet I haven’t really spoken about it. “I don’t know what to say. It has happened and now I am trying my best to move forward.” I am. It is hard but I am slowly getting there. “Well, talk to me about the last few minutes with him, because the first I heard of what was said was in the church.” Sitting, I talk about those last moments, explaining how it was then that I realised just how much I loved him. It was still nothing compared to how much I love Jackson, but it is still a lot more than I admitted to before. Sitting, it actually feels nice talking to Georgina. When I am trying to talk to Jackson, I am scared my feelings for Marcus might hurt him. “Anyway, Liam mentioned the will. I am guessing that was a shock.” Nodding, it was, and no amount of time will make it feel alright
Sitting, we wait for the solicitor. When he arrives, we sit down to discuss everything. Everyone is happy with the will and we each sign. It feels weird. My signature just made me have 1.8 million pounds for the business, but if it helps women and men who suffer domestic abuse, why not? Everyone leaves and we sit down to eat tea. Our bags are packed ready to leave. “I was thinking, I know the will stated for the business, but could it be used to support other people, not just those who suffered domestic abuse?” Looking at him, he shrugs his shoulders. “I am not sure. The money will be paid into the business account, but I guess it depends on what you were thinking about?” How do I explain this? My mind finds the words and tries to get them in the right order so that it makes sense. “I want to do something similar but for those who have lost someone in the army, navy or similar, or through cases like Marcus’s.” I want something there to support these people, the ones like me who d
The day has been tiring. Getting home with the bags, I am ready for bed. We spent hours walking around shops getting the things we needed. The girls practically have a full wardrobe of holiday clothes thanks to Jackson. Getting in, we get the girls ready for bed. Sitting together, I read them a story each, the ones Marcus bought them with their own names in. Finishing, we put them in their cots. Walking out, we close the door quietly as they fall asleep. “I was thinking, Liam and Georgina were asking about the holiday and coming along. I understand if you say no. They will be in a hut away from us, but Georgina suggested they come for one or two nights there. They would have the girls for us.” It sounds like a good idea, us all together but separate. We could maybe even get a girls’ night in with me and Georgina, and Jackson and Liam can go out. “What about Helen? Sorry, your mum.” She isn’t well, and I don’t like the idea of her flying or being left alone. “I am going to pay f
Opening the drawers, I pull out his clothes. Folding them, I put them in a suitcase. With all his clothes away, I move onto one of the trunks. Opening it, I am shocked. It is a range of toys, all different. I had no idea he had brought it all here, but it has me wondering, would he have been sitting looking at these wishing he could use them with me? Does he have a favourite like Jackson? Getting to the bottom, there is not much in here, just his own toys, whips and things. Putting it back, I don’t even know what we would do with these. Opening another trunk, there is an envelope on top. Opening it, I start to read it. Marcus is divorced. He told us they were going through it but never mentioned it being made official. Putting it to the side, I find more letters, nothing important. Then I see a solicitor one, with the word ‘Will’ on it. I won’t open this. I can’t. Placing it to the side, I leave it for Jackson. Another envelope, this one with my name on. It isn’t small; it is b
Jackson is standing with a woman, one of Marcus’s submissives. She looks upset and hurt, not like Maria. Standing, I watch. They stand talking, her eyes filled with tears. It just shows how amazing Marcus was and how loveable. The rest of the day goes ahead slowly. Sure enough, Maria left after Troy told her she had no right to be there. Jackson spent most of his time by my side. The team were amazing and constantly checking on me. Getting home, the girls are already in bed. Helen hugs us before saying bye and leaving with Liam and Georgina. I don’t feel like I have said goodbye. With everyone there, I couldn’t say what I wanted without some asking questions. It still feels weird here without Marcus around us. Sitting at the table, I now understand what he meant. I did the same thing the past week: me pretending my life didn’t exist. Jackson sits opposite me and his hands grasp mine. “You are the only person he told that to, you know? I checked. None of us knew why he stared i
Walking downstairs, everyone is here: the whole team, Marcus’s other friends, and a few women. I don’t know who they are yet I feel I want to know. Walking to Jackson’s side, he wraps his arm around me. “We should walk around and say hi. I will introduce you to people he knew that you have not met.” Nodding, I agree. I should know who these people are. “How will you introduce me? What will you introduce me as in regard to Marcus and exactly how much do the team know?” Jackson turns, looking at me in surprise. Whether that is at my questions or the fact that is the most I have spoken in days, I don’t even know. “Well, I will introduce you as my wife and the closest person to Marcus before he passed. The team know everything. I had to tell them about it all. Explaining why you are this broken by him dying would not work by lying, Alena.” The closet person to Marcus…he used to be the closet person to Marcus. Had that changed? We start walking around the room, Jackson introducing
Jackson walks back through towards me. Turning on the kettle, he grabs two cups. “She doesn’t want to do anything. She said it is up to the team to plan his funeral.” As I thought, she does not care about him at all, not even now in his death. “I want to help with the funeral.” Maybe helping will help me. I don’t even know if it will but surely it is worth a try? Jackson hands me the cup of tea. Walking to the sofa, we sit, his arm around me. “I don’t want you to be strong for me, Alena. Yes, I am hurting, a lot, but seeing you broken is what is keeping me going. I can’t be weak when you need me.” I don’t even know what to say anymore. I just want to hide away. “Whatever you want, Alena. Whatever you need to get you through this, I will do.” I don’t even know what I want or need right now. “Marcus mentioned a plan for that night, something for me. What exactly was it?” Maybe knowing this will help. Maybe it won’t but I won’t know until I ask. “Well, I heard you talking to hi
He walks back in. Sitting next to me, his hand grips mine. “Alena, you didn’t let him down and you certainly did not kill him. Remember his last words: that he was happy because of you and no one else. You made him happy. That should be enough for you to realise.” Nodding, I agree. He did say that. “It won’t help bring him back, though, and he still died because of me. Everyone will hate me. I saw the way Troy looked at me. He tried smiling and couldn’t. Even he blames me.” What a year this has started out to be: New Year’s Day and we already have a death. “Stay here.” Jackson walks out. I see him talking to the team. They all look towards me and then back to Jackson. Walking back to me, Jackson is followed by them all. Walking into the room, I prepare myself for their abuse and the blame. “Alena, we don’t blame you at all. I tried smiling. The only reason I couldn’t is because you look more hurt and broken by this than any of
Everyone walks in. The police come, asking me questions. I can see their lips moving but there is no sound, no sound just silence and Marcus’s last words on replay. I watch as Troy, Alexander and the other lads come in, all staring at me, unsure what to say. Jackson gives me space. My heart breaks seeing every one of their faces, the pain of the loss. Hours pass by, everyone walking around and talking but I take none of it in. “Alena, go get a shower. Please, do something.” Jackson kneels in front of me, but I can’t move. I can’t go away. I can’t do it. “I don’t know how to help her.” Jackson’s words are quiet. No one can help. Marcus has gone. I watched it myself. He isn’t coming back. This isn’t like Jackson, where there is nobody, no proof. I saw the body, felt it drain of blood and turn cold in my hands. “Marcus would be the one to tell me what to do.” Jackson’s head lowers. Marcus was more than his friend, and his brot