Begin

"Mateo, you're late again---"

"So? What now if I'm late?" He cut me off.

My husband's answer to me made me swallow. Little by little, tears formed in my eyes due to his cold treatment of me. I lowered my gaze down and closed my eyes to stop my tears.

We have been married for five months, but Mateo doesn't seem to have learned to love me during that time 'till now. For the counting months, it appears that his feelings toward me are still dominated by anger and disgust. And I hate to admit it to myself.

I raised my head a little and observed him take off his shoes. The haziness in my eyes caused me to bite my bottom lip and blink several times.

How long will I beg for attention from my own husband? Why does he dislike me so much that he hardly recognizes me as his wife? But seriously, when did I ever start to feel like his wife? I wasn't even treated like one by him.

I shook my head and simply sniffed.

"Ahm. It doesn't matter to me but it seems like you're always in your office. You also have a house, if possible, you could just work here at home---"

"I'm now here and yet you're still talking nonsense, Fayra. Can't you just be thankful that I'm coming home to you, even if I don't want to? " He sounded so irritated at me. "If I work here at home, I might end up with nothing, especially because I don't feel at home in this place. This house is more of a prison to me." He said, smirking.

I felt like I was being punched in the throat when I heard that. If that's how he thinks about our house, then how about me? I'm feeling the same way too, every damn second. It feels more like a jail to me. It feels like I'm living with Satan and he's burning me alive.

"Have you eaten? Ahm, Celly's already cooked; come let's have dinner. You came home right, the dish and rice are still hot." I said, ignoring his words completely. I forced a smile, but he gave me a sharp look.

"Even now it's still Celly who's cooking? What kind of woman are you? Why can't you do the simple tasks that should be yours, Fayra? Huh?" Anger could be heard in his voice while his eyes were on fire. "You're really far away from Rose, which  is why all of us, Vejar, are drooling for her to become our wife; it's just my bad luck, and you're the one who reconciled to me."

"D-Don't say that in front of me, Mateo. I'm still your wife." 

"Husband on paper." He pointed it out. "Just because I married you means that I will treat you differently, Fayra. It's not like that."

"But you talk too much. I'm still trying to do all the stuff here, Mateo. I'm still learning. If you were here all the time, you'd also see that I'm trying to do everything for you."

A smile appeared on his lips. "Should I be thankful then?" He asked sarcastically.

"T-That's not what I meant." I answered bowing.

"You know what, I don't care if you're trying or not, Fayra. Celly was here. She was enough for me. I don't need you to care for me. After all, I have Rose. She's more than enough because she can take care of me more than anyone could."

After he said that, he quickly left the living room and went straight upstairs. I felt a hot drop of my tears draw down on my cheek as my eyes followed the gradual loss of Mateo's bulk in my sight.

The weight of my feeling is even more doubled now because of what I heard from him. He's too below the belt; he's really slapping me about the truth that Rose was beyond everyone and he loves her so damn much. It hurts. It hurts to be heard.

"I'm the one who's here, Mateo, but why do you always compare me to her whenever there's something I'm not good at? I'm your wife, but why... But why do I feel like I'm hanging? "

I didn't do anything but leave the house and go straight to my comfort zone, the garden. I sat on the swing and rocked myself while enjoying the fresh night air. I've lost my hunger this whole day, I seem to be satisfied with Mateo's treatment of me. I simply smiled and shook my head.

How long will I suffer? How long will I beg? Could it be over tomorrow?

All I want is to have a good life with the person I love, but why doesn't fate grant me this one? I've been kind to everyone, I've been a good and obedient daughter, even with other people I deal well, but why is this married life given to me was so hard to deal with? What did I do wrong and this is the punishment in return?

"Hija, haven't you eaten yet? You haven't had breakfast, even your lunch, it's too late, you might get sick doing that."

I looked up to Celly. She's Mateo's nanny, she helped me with everything and she's been very polite with me ever since.

I made a smile and looked at the bright moon again.

"Do you think, if I eat now, will I also feel full?" I simply asked. From the corner of my vision, I saw the expression on Celly's face soften.

I bowed down and again the tears that preceded the loss fell from me.

"If ever that happens... I'll just eat so that my heart will be full and I won't be homesick anymore and then maybe I won't be sad anymore, right?" I asked but still bowed.

I feel manang's gentle caress on my back. I teared up even more.

"I did everything manang, I tried everything, I even swallowed my pride and worth just for the relationship I wanted to give life to, but why... why is it so painful? Why does pain have to be replaced?"

I cried and felt like I was a kid who was robbed of candy again. I'm just laughing at myself because I know I look pathetic right now.

"Hija, if it hurts, don't force it. I know you have to fight for someone if you truly loves them, but if he is the one who doesn't like you, what else can you do? Your opponent here is not destiny, Hija... it's the feelings of the person you love." Manang caressed my back.

I was silent the whole seconds because of that. 

"Don't get too down, Fayra. You're a smart kid, don't waste your time and yourself on someone who doesn't appreciate you. Save yourself, child... Save yourself while you don't sink completely."

Silence followed between me and Celly. How can I not be humble when all I want is Mateo to pay attention to me even once? Celly says it's hard. But even my feet don't want to run away from the painful situation of my life. 

I waited for a few years before I was with the person I wanted. I was hurt for a few years, and I didn't think that there was no end to my miseries, even now that we are under the same roof. The care that Mateo gave to Rose that I dreamed of is still what I'm dreaming of today. I thought during the times we were in front of the altar I would also experience his care and treatment like what he was doing to Rose, but it was not. I was wrong all along.

"I'm going up, Celly. You and Mira are the only ones to eat and take Mang Jose with you." I was fine with myself and gave Celly a sad smile.

I didn't wait any longer. I quickly walked into the house and quickly went up. But before I entered my room, I passed by Mateo's room with the door ajar. Unconsciously, I stepped closer and peeked a little.

From where I was standing, I could see Mateo's back while he was constantly tapping on his phone, I was not surprised when it rang and Mateo answered the call without any hesitation.

I bent down and gently pulled his door and at the same time I heard him happily asking about the day of his beloved Rose.

"How was your day, Hon? Was the meal I cooked for you earlier okay?"

I was shaken by what I heard and left my place. I felt my chest. I am the wife here but he never once served me like that.

I can't figure out where should I put myself in his life. He abandons me too much because he knows I won't give up easily because I love him.