Chapter 1

Elijiah's Message:

“Melancholy, sadness, anxiety – and more than that, there was a huge blank in my life. Was it a blank I am ought to fill out or was it already filled but was erased and had been long forgotten?

I don’t know really. 

All I know is that the small blank gradually grew larger until it drowned me in nightmares which made me feel content in the blandness of my life.

No, I can’t dream of being happy nor letting my heart be at peace at the very least. It’s only for the fortunate who are blessed enough to be able to give the world a beautiful smile they both deserve.

While everyone sees me as someone high and mighty, my world was already starting to crumble. Bit by bit, it was falling apart. I was too busy agonizing that I didn't know, I was saved."

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"T-the patient is going into v-ventricular fibrillation with i-increased pressure in the pulmonary a-artery."

With furrowed brows, my head snapped at the direction where the intern is currently standing. Her voice is a bit shaky as she fiddled with her fingers, not sure whether to look at her fingers or to her senior doctors.

It was so ironic how there seemed a deafening silence surrounding them when the place seemed so chaotic. There was a very obvious tension surrounding her and her co-doctors, both interns and residents.

I noticed how one of the resident doctors glared at her before looking away and just continued in checking the patient who is currently under code blue.

My eyebrow twitched as I further observed the intern.

Her eyes are unfocused while small beads of sweat are visible on her temple and neck. Some of her hair fell down to her face as her ponytail loosened a bit because of her expeditiousness as she took care of the patient earlier.

"T-The patient is in a critical condition after the surgery, doc." She added with her head slightly bowed down.

The resident doctor’s glare definitely burned a hole right through the intern's soul. And I’m sure that even if she’s looking down, she can still feel the resident’s glare as if she’s looking at the resident eye-to-eye.

The nurses, together with the doctors are walking briskly in going in and out of the Intensive Care Unit. The bed they’re surrounding in is near the door that’s why their voices are still audible even if I’m just right outside the ICU.

An old man in a doctor's robe went closer to check the patient and ordered the nurses and resident doctors what to do. Unlike the others, he is calm and definitely more experienced.

The crowd surrounding the patient also calmed down a little but their moves were very fast and precise. It was as if he let the raging sea sleep as he commanded the waves were to go.

"Inject 20 mg of magnesium." He commanded while checking the patient’s condition. 

"The general condition wasn't great so he's having some side effects." He nodded as he turned to explain to the wailing family of the patient.

Does crying help?

If crying can help lengthen life, then maybe that's the reason why people cry when someone is in the brink of death.

But no. That's not the case.

Because if that’s how easy a person could live, then everyone who had shed tears shouldn't be longing right now. They shouldn't be devastated and broken right now. 

"It's not common but it does happen." The doctor added. His eyes were gloomy but his expression still remained stoic. The way his eyes softened as he looked at the patient’s family is very noticeable even if I’m not close enough to where they are right now.

Doctors. They’re the ones who are there to heal sick people. To save people.

But the lives of many people don't rest in their hands. They are just there to aid. That's the most common misconception of people.

If you’re a doctor, does it mean you could really lengthen the life of a person?

Yeah, sure it's their job to heal people but their real job is to diagnose and identify the level of diagnosis of the patient. They help patients survive by administering medications they think would heal their patients based on their studies. That’s it. 

People shouldn't blame the doctors every time their loved ones die. They shouldn't blame doctors when someone didn't gain back his health.

That's too brutal.

Because even doctors can't prevent their patients, let alone their own loved ones, from dying.

Because even doctors turn vulnerable when it is their patients and loved ones who are in the brink of death.

Because doctors don't have super powers. They don't grant miracles. They're humans too, just doing their best to save us.

I smiled bitterly as I walked away from the ICU.

"Echec!"

My head immediately snapped to the person who just cussed. She looks so pissed, angry even.

In the corner near the comfort room, two doctors are talking. One is a resident doctor who is just looking down while nervously playing with his hands while the other is a bit older who has a very evident flare in her eyes.

"Celle mourir d'un overdose!" The older doctor said in a hushed tone but the irritation in her voice won’t go unnoticed. 

"P-Pardon docteur. Pardon." 

I noticed how his voice shook and how his lips trembled as he spoke but... My brow arched.

"Will your sorry be accepted if the patient would die?! Will your sorry bring back a life that will be lost? Huh? Répondre! And why are you saying sorry to me? Am I the one you almost killed?!"

There. She said what I wanted to say.

Sorry can't bring back anything so why be sorry? Because that word is related to forgiveness? But are you really sorry?

Guilty, yes. But sorry? How can you be sorry when you didn't know it would happen?

That doctor, when he administered the medicine, he didn't know that the patient would be overdosed. He thought it was the right dosage.

He's just guilty but deep down, he isn't sorry because all along he thought that it was the right thing to do. At that moment before he realized his mistake, he thought that was the best thing to do.

And yes, it's stupid to say sorry when someone already died because of you but isn't it just selfishness to relieve yourself from guilt? Your sorry can't bring back the life that you lost. It never will.

I turned to the opposite side when I heard something shattered. It surely wasn’t my heart because a girl’s shriek immediately followed after.

I went closer only to see a gray-haired woman on bended knees and moist face in front of a man in doctor’s coat. 

"No! No!"

She repeated the same word over and over again, almost piercing right through the heart of everyone watching – almost because it didn’t pierce mine.

The young doctor looked at her with helpless eyes, miserable for himself and for the family.

There. With all the tension and melancholy, I guess someone died.

That doctor, maybe he'll also say he's sorry but deep down, he isn't. Just guilty, but not sorry because he knew he gave his best shot. He did his best.

Because of situations like these, that doctor would bring that guilt forever. He would think he killed the patient and it would scar him forever.

What's hard about dying?

It's not dying that's hard. It's the attachment. The memories that were made. And the memories that weren’t made.

People are scared to die because they are attached to the people they lived with, they cherished. They're attached in this world.

And then their loved ones who will be left behind – they're crying because they're still attached with their memories of the dead.

They're crying because they know they can't revive the dead, thus not being able to create more memories together. 

They're just sad. But the sadness they’re feeling would pass by if the attachment would longer be there. In the end, they’d forget the pain they felt and all that’s left is how much they miss the person. 

But when? Will that time ever come?

Only time can tell. And sometimes, the sadness felt of losing someone would last more than this lifetime a person has.

Attachment would pass by but memories would stay but as time passes by, memories too, are replaced by better ones.

That’s why those who died, no matter how important they were to you, a time will come that it will no longer be that painful.

That their memories would no longer be that vivid to remember. That a time will come that they’ll eventually be forgotten.

That’s why there are death anniversaries to commemorate their deaths so even if it’s only annually, they’ll be remembered by the people that were once part of their lives.

Pity to those who can't move on. Pity for them because they can't create better memories so those sad memories could be replaced. Those people are so pitiful.

Will I be like that too? Will I also be scared to die?

Will I also be scared to lose another person in my life… permanently?

With the heavens and the afterworld separating us mercilessly, will I turn vulnerable too?

How long would it take before I could move on?

I once lost my love and time healed me, but not completely. But if I’ll lose my love for the second time around, could I move on?

Or could I ever move on?