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Sarah Killian The Mullets of Madness 21
21BACK WHEN MARY SUEfirst approached me and suggested she give me some martial arts lessons, I naturally assumed it would entail washing her car and other tedious chores that would later grow into my becoming an instantaneous award-winning karate champion, after a motivational montage or two, underscored by an instant-chart topping ‘80’s pop-rock tune.So, I was kind of disappointed to find training—with Mary Sue, at least—was nothing like the movies. She never made me wash her car even once. With Mary Sue, my training was more a series of alternating between attacking her, and defending myself from her. In the beginning, regardless of whether I was on the offense or defense, I always ended up flat on my back with my breath knocked out of me. Now, it’s more like five out of ten times I end up getting my ass whopped by the buxom Barbie, so yay for improvement.We find a park on the outskirts of Dickson which appears to be fairly remote and unpopulated. Even though our training
Sarah Killian The Mullets of Madness 22
22I GUESS I don’t need to tell you this is bad. I don’t mean that Fuck-tard the Wonder Weatherman go axed. Hell, that’s pretty fucking brilliant, if you ask me. There is nothing in the universe more beautiful than witnessing Karma in action.However, as far as the mission goes, this is an unfortunate complication—which is not made easier by the fact I was one of the last people seen to interact with the victim, and that was not exactly the most amiable of conversations.And then of course is the fact this is most likely the work of Nick and his cronies, meaning there’s at least one more T.H.E.M. turncoat working or staying at the hotel. I don’t like complications, and just like Duluth this mission is turning into a clusterfuck of complications.I won’t bore you with the details, but the rest of the night and most of the next morning is spent being interrogated by the cops. Needless to say, it has also surfaced I was the last person to see Craig the Waiter disappear, so now his sud
Sarah Killian The Mullets of Madness 23
23MUCH TO MY utter disappointment and annoyance, the dreams do not abate that night. There is, however, one more tiny change to the narrative of the cycle. Previously, at the part where Jason/Duke turned into Nick, it was kind of a seamless change; one second it was Jason or Duke making love to me, and then it was Nick. I thought thatwas disturbing enough. Now, as Duke and I are going at it, I take a knife, plunge it into his back. Then, without losing a beat to the thumping of our passions, Duke reaches behind himself and begins pulling his skin away from the hole I just made in his back. He pulls and pulls, and his skin stretches, until he’s peeled it all off, revealing Nick underneath.Look, as you’ve undoubtedly figured out by now, I ain’t exactly a squeamish girl. I’ve watched my share of grotesque horror movies, and more often than not they just make me laugh or want to work as a consultant for Hollywood horror writers. However, that is some seriouslyfucked-up shit
Sarah Killian The Mullets of Madness 24
24WE GET BACKto the hotel as twilight is settling in and return to my room to start breaking down Nick’s latest string of killings. Seeing as I’m the one who discovered the code in Duluth, Mary Sue lets me take point on this exercise. We start off with my recapping how I stumbled upon Nick’s code in the first place.“I didn’t just luck out and happen upon it right away,” I begin. “I’d been going through the case files for several hours. I was starting to lose it, so I decided to go to square one and just list out each victim, like this.”It takes me a minute to recall every name, but one thing I’ve always been proud of is my memory. I wouldn’t go as far as to say I have an eidetic memory, but pretty close to that. It’s one of the reasons I hold grudges for so long.Anyway, I eventually get it all written out, and then underline the first letter of each name on the list.Susan BakerAdam JacksonRaven ArronsonAmaranda CosackHenry PollsKyle AndrewsIan BondLavanna
Sarah Killian The Mullets of Madness 25
25AFTER ALMOST ANentire week of sleeping through never-ending sex nightmares, I’ve more or less gotten used to waking up with every muscle in my body knotted and barely even register the tension coursing through every limb. I pull myself out of bed and cross to the window to look outside, fully expecting to see another caravan of Red and Blue cars clogging up the hotel parking lot. But, aside from the normal cars of the guests and staff of the hotel, the lot is empty. Not even one cop car in sight.You’d think that would ease my concerns, but instead it heightens them. After consistently killing someone each night for the last three nights (four if you count Craig the Waiter—which I’m still not entirely convinced we should be), why would Nick—or whichever of his minions is currently stalking The Hotel Dickson—suddenly take a break? I try to tell myself maybe it’s just the body hasn’t been found yet, but I can’t believe it would be that easy.By this point, the spa receptionis
Sarah Killian The Mullets of Madness 26
26BY THIS POINT,you should be able to see where this is going. Once again, last night’s activities did nothing to free me of my cursed nocturnal visions. On the plus side, the dreams did not get more horrific this time, like they did after Saturday night. It’s a small blessing, but I’ll take it.On the bright side, when I look out the window I see the parking it is once again lit up by cop cars, so it seems Nick is back on schedule. Yay, for that ...I send Zeke a text, asking for more information about the newest kill and then head down to the spa for my daily spa appointment. Apparently Bill’s gotten more comfortable with me over the last week, ‘cause he goes a bit further south on my backrub than he has so far. I don’t raise any objections, though, because there’s plenty of tension in that area, too. I briefly consider suddenly flipping over and seeing just how willing Bill is to risk losing his job (seeing as Duke isn’t doing the trick to get rid of my fucking
Sarah Killian The Mullets of Madness 27
27WE STOP OURinvestigations late in the afternoon when I get a call from Duke letting me know he’s on his way. Knowing that I need to work on getting information out of him, I suggest we meet at the coffee shop on the corner and he agrees (though I’m sure he wouldn’t protest if I asked him to come straight to my room again ... )Half an hour later, I’m sitting at our usual table in the coffee shop, and my fucking traitorous heart skips a couple beats when Duke walks in the door.We hug, kiss each other on the cheek, and order our coffees. Duke talks about a beat-up old Chevy he’s working on at the shop which is probably on its last legs. I make up a story about how the ‘lawyer I’m working for’ is a total ass who is constantly trying to get in my pants. Basic small talk—stuff I usually hate engaging in, but for some reason I don’t mind it so much with Duke (partly because I don’t actually have to be honest with him about my side of things).“So, do you have any pl
Sarah Killian The Mullets of Madness 28
28THE NEXT TWO DAYS, pass in pretty much the same fashion. I wake up tense after a night of incessant nightmares and find the parking lot of the hotel plagued with flashing red and blue lights (Thursday morning’s victim was Kirk Arce, a 45 year-old male killed in room 329, and Friday’s was Sandra Campbell, a 36 year-old female killed in room 710). I get my daily massage from Bill the Masseuse. Mary Sue and I spend the day listening to surveillance tapes. In the evenings, Mary Sue visits Clark Jr. (who still can’t find the ‘magic button’) and unsuccessfully tries to get information out of him, while I meet up with Duke and have equal success getting information out of him, followed by admittedly great sex which still leaves me wanting to slice him open with a knife. Duke leaves, Mary Sue gets back to the hotel and we compare useless notes, I go to bed and the nonsense starts all over again.Saturday morning starts much the same, except I wake up knowing this madness is almost over. W
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Sarah Killian The Mullets of Madness 31
31I WAIT UNTILmidnight, and then make the drive out to Bucksnort, my plan fully formed, all the while praying I don’t cross the path of a speed trap and wind up in a radar-induced coma.I go to Duke’s apartment first, as his murder will be the simplest to take care of, since he lives alone. Using my trusted lock pick, I break into his apartment for the second time this week. I’m glad I was the one who bugged Duke’s apartment, because having a mental image of the apartment’s layout helps me navigate my way through it in the dark.I tiptoe down the hall to Duke’s bedroom, and enter to find him, snoring lightly on the bed. I cross the room and kneel by the bed. As I look at him sleeping so peacefully, I start to wonder if I will actually be able to go through with this.I put my knife down on the edge of the bed, and reach over to stroke his hair. Duke suddenly wakes with a start.“Jesus, Nanny!” he gasps. “You scared the shit out of me, what are you doing here?”“I’m sorry,”
Sarah Killian The Mullets of Madness 30
30“WHAT THE FUCK?” I scream, rushing to Mary Sue’s side, even though I already know there is nothing I can do to help her. “You said–”“I said I had explicit instructions not to kill you, Sarah,” Nick replies with a bored shrug, as if we were discussing something as mundane as the weather, not his murdering my only friend in the world. “I didn’t say anything about Mary Sue.”I raise my handgun to shoot, but Nick has already disappeared into the shadows. I spin around, searching every shadow for some sign of my foe.Suddenly, I feel Nick’s foot sharply connect with my back and I am pushed forward, my handgun clattering across the floor of the church as the wind is knocked out of me.As I try to regain my breath, Nick flips me onto my back and sits on my stomach, straddling my torso between his thighs, and further pushing what wind was left out of my struggling lungs.“I said it in Duluth, Sara, and I’ll say it again,” Nick breathes menacingly into my ear. “It’s too bad you aren’t
Sarah Killian The Mullets of Madness 29
29WE AGREE TOput off our surveillance of the Anderson Klan’s town hall meeting—everything will be recorded and available for us to listen to when we come back. Settling things with Nick Jin is a far higher priority. And of course we don’t leave un-armed, we each sport a handgun, and I also have my favorite knife in a scabbard tucked under the waistband of my jeans.After a fifteen minute drive to Montgomery Bell State Park, we find a campground to park the Skank Mobile, and make the remaining trek on foot, following the directions on my phone to a quaint old log cabin-style church. A plaque outside reads ‘First Cumberland Presbyterian Church.’“This must be it,” Mary Sue whispers. “This reeks of an ambush ... ”“I know, but it was just Nick that met me at Enger Tower in Duluth, so maybe it’ll just be him again ... ” I whisper back, not really sure how much I believe the words myself.“Well, either way, we might as well do what we came here to do,” Ma
Sarah Killian The Mullets of Madness 28
28THE NEXT TWO DAYS, pass in pretty much the same fashion. I wake up tense after a night of incessant nightmares and find the parking lot of the hotel plagued with flashing red and blue lights (Thursday morning’s victim was Kirk Arce, a 45 year-old male killed in room 329, and Friday’s was Sandra Campbell, a 36 year-old female killed in room 710). I get my daily massage from Bill the Masseuse. Mary Sue and I spend the day listening to surveillance tapes. In the evenings, Mary Sue visits Clark Jr. (who still can’t find the ‘magic button’) and unsuccessfully tries to get information out of him, while I meet up with Duke and have equal success getting information out of him, followed by admittedly great sex which still leaves me wanting to slice him open with a knife. Duke leaves, Mary Sue gets back to the hotel and we compare useless notes, I go to bed and the nonsense starts all over again.Saturday morning starts much the same, except I wake up knowing this madness is almost over. W
Sarah Killian The Mullets of Madness 27
27WE STOP OURinvestigations late in the afternoon when I get a call from Duke letting me know he’s on his way. Knowing that I need to work on getting information out of him, I suggest we meet at the coffee shop on the corner and he agrees (though I’m sure he wouldn’t protest if I asked him to come straight to my room again ... )Half an hour later, I’m sitting at our usual table in the coffee shop, and my fucking traitorous heart skips a couple beats when Duke walks in the door.We hug, kiss each other on the cheek, and order our coffees. Duke talks about a beat-up old Chevy he’s working on at the shop which is probably on its last legs. I make up a story about how the ‘lawyer I’m working for’ is a total ass who is constantly trying to get in my pants. Basic small talk—stuff I usually hate engaging in, but for some reason I don’t mind it so much with Duke (partly because I don’t actually have to be honest with him about my side of things).“So, do you have any pl
Sarah Killian The Mullets of Madness 26
26BY THIS POINT,you should be able to see where this is going. Once again, last night’s activities did nothing to free me of my cursed nocturnal visions. On the plus side, the dreams did not get more horrific this time, like they did after Saturday night. It’s a small blessing, but I’ll take it.On the bright side, when I look out the window I see the parking it is once again lit up by cop cars, so it seems Nick is back on schedule. Yay, for that ...I send Zeke a text, asking for more information about the newest kill and then head down to the spa for my daily spa appointment. Apparently Bill’s gotten more comfortable with me over the last week, ‘cause he goes a bit further south on my backrub than he has so far. I don’t raise any objections, though, because there’s plenty of tension in that area, too. I briefly consider suddenly flipping over and seeing just how willing Bill is to risk losing his job (seeing as Duke isn’t doing the trick to get rid of my fucking
Sarah Killian The Mullets of Madness 25
25AFTER ALMOST ANentire week of sleeping through never-ending sex nightmares, I’ve more or less gotten used to waking up with every muscle in my body knotted and barely even register the tension coursing through every limb. I pull myself out of bed and cross to the window to look outside, fully expecting to see another caravan of Red and Blue cars clogging up the hotel parking lot. But, aside from the normal cars of the guests and staff of the hotel, the lot is empty. Not even one cop car in sight.You’d think that would ease my concerns, but instead it heightens them. After consistently killing someone each night for the last three nights (four if you count Craig the Waiter—which I’m still not entirely convinced we should be), why would Nick—or whichever of his minions is currently stalking The Hotel Dickson—suddenly take a break? I try to tell myself maybe it’s just the body hasn’t been found yet, but I can’t believe it would be that easy.By this point, the spa receptionis
Sarah Killian The Mullets of Madness 24
24WE GET BACKto the hotel as twilight is settling in and return to my room to start breaking down Nick’s latest string of killings. Seeing as I’m the one who discovered the code in Duluth, Mary Sue lets me take point on this exercise. We start off with my recapping how I stumbled upon Nick’s code in the first place.“I didn’t just luck out and happen upon it right away,” I begin. “I’d been going through the case files for several hours. I was starting to lose it, so I decided to go to square one and just list out each victim, like this.”It takes me a minute to recall every name, but one thing I’ve always been proud of is my memory. I wouldn’t go as far as to say I have an eidetic memory, but pretty close to that. It’s one of the reasons I hold grudges for so long.Anyway, I eventually get it all written out, and then underline the first letter of each name on the list.Susan BakerAdam JacksonRaven ArronsonAmaranda CosackHenry PollsKyle AndrewsIan BondLavanna
Sarah Killian The Mullets of Madness 23
23MUCH TO MY utter disappointment and annoyance, the dreams do not abate that night. There is, however, one more tiny change to the narrative of the cycle. Previously, at the part where Jason/Duke turned into Nick, it was kind of a seamless change; one second it was Jason or Duke making love to me, and then it was Nick. I thought thatwas disturbing enough. Now, as Duke and I are going at it, I take a knife, plunge it into his back. Then, without losing a beat to the thumping of our passions, Duke reaches behind himself and begins pulling his skin away from the hole I just made in his back. He pulls and pulls, and his skin stretches, until he’s peeled it all off, revealing Nick underneath.Look, as you’ve undoubtedly figured out by now, I ain’t exactly a squeamish girl. I’ve watched my share of grotesque horror movies, and more often than not they just make me laugh or want to work as a consultant for Hollywood horror writers. However, that is some seriouslyfucked-up shit
