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Sarah Killian: The Marching Tides 23
23I wake upthe next morning before Jason and decide to check the Dark Web. I start up the pay-per-use phone, log into the app, and immediately see there is a new post from Rick. It reads, simply: “Dear Sarah, I know you’ll read this. I will see you soon. Hasa Diga, Ebowai.”The world drops out from under me. The meaning of those last three words is clear. There were only three people in the diner when I made that Book of Mormonreference to Zeke; myself, Zeke, and Jason, and unless we’re going for a Fight Clubtwist ending here where it turns out I’ve had a split personality working against me this entire time—for fuck’s sake, I sure hope we’re not going down thattired out trope—that means either Jason or Zeke have ratted me out to Rick, or might even beRick.I climb out of bed, doing my best not to make too much commotion and wake Jason, and start pacing the room, trying to sort out my thoughts. It makes absolutely zero sense for Zeke to turncoat on his
Sarah Killian: The Marching Tides 24
24I slowly cometo my senses, dazed and confused. Gradually, I remember the seizure; my radar intolerance frequently results in temporary memory loss. I take a look at my surroundings and see I’m in some sort of abandoned warehouse—obviously not the same one from Vegas where Jason and I had confronted Chuck, Gale, and Jared, but as far as abandoned warehouses go, there’s not that much variety. You end up kidnapped in one abandoned warehouse, you’ve ended up kidnapped in them all.I’m in an old, splintery wooden chair but I don’t appear to be restrained at all—verytrusting of my elusive captor. They do not appear, however, to have been so trusting as to leave me with Borden for it is conspicuously missing from the sheath under my waistband. This fucker is going to pay ... no onetakes Borden from me.I survey the rest of the room and see two other chairs across the warehouse, both occupied by captives who are unconscious—but breathing—andbound fir
Sarah Killian: The Marching Tides Epilogue
EPILOGUESo, where doesthis leave us now? I don’t have much more to say on the matter. I’ve now killed both my parents, a surrogate father figure, and the only man I’ve ever even come close to feeling what some might describe as love for. I suppose I could spend my energy hunting down the rest of the Marching Tides and make sure they don’t spill T.H.E.M.’s—and therein my—secrets to the world, but honestly, I don’t have the energy to care about all that now. I got the revenge I was looking for, and it cost me all of the people I ever cared about.I suppose I’m a little concerned that the remaining Marching Tides may try and hunt me down and avenge the death of their leader—my mother—but I say let them try. I will be more than happy to kill any one of those fuckers who tries to fuck with me.So, what now? I have to admit Jason’s idea of finding the beach from The Shawshank Redemptionhas a certain appeal. If only he hadn’t felt the need to go all ‘patriarchal protector’ o
Sarah Killian: The Marching Tides 1
1Do we haveto do this Julie Andrews Getting To Know Youbullshit again? I have to bury my mother today—well ... there isn’t really anything to bury, but it’s her fucking funeral and I’m not here to argue semantics, you get the point—and I am sonot in the mood for this. Okay. Fine. Let’s just get this over with. Previously on The Universe Shits On Sarah Killian:My name is Sarah, and I work for a super-secret organization called the Trusted Hierarchy of Everyday Murderers (T.H.E.M.) that employs Professional Serial Killers (P.S.K.’s) and assassins. I hate, hate, hate assassins—so I find it particularly appropriate that their title starts with two asses.T.H.E.M. is contracted by various entities—a few wealthy private citizens and corporations who can afford us, but most of our work comes from the government. Completely off the books, of course.Assassins’ work is pretty boring and straightforward, so I won’t waste my time on them. The P.S.K.’s is wher
Sarah Killian: The Marching Tides 2
2To say thatmy mother and I had a difficult relationship would be the understatement of the millennium. Obviously, a big part of that had to do with the whole ‘spending almost half of my life in jail for the murder of my dipshit father’ thing, but if I were completely honest it went much deeper than just that. I admit I resented her for being with my father in the first place. They were a case of that age-old high school romance story. You know the one. Two horny teenagers get drunk at Grad Night Disneyland and get kicked out of the park for having sex on the It’s A Small World ride, nine months later: ta-da! I’m pretty sure the fact I know so many specific details about my conception is a big part of the reason why I’m so fucked up. Well, that and just the simple fact I was conceived on possibly the most annoying theme park attraction in the entire world ...So, suffice to say, were it not for surprise li’l me, my mother probably would not have ended up with my
Sarah Killian: The Marching Tides 3
3My Lyft driverdrops me off at the T.H.E.M. headquarters—a warehouse in Chatsworth that fronts as a porn distribution warehouse. As I get out of the car and walk towards the warehouse, I can feel the driver’s eyes on my ass, no doubt imagining me performing in one of the movies stored within the building. Pig. He’s lucky I’m still—at the moment, at least—under contract with T.H.E.M., otherwise, I very likely would have killed him then and there just to work off some of my stress from mother’s funeral. Maybe if Zeke fires me, I’ll get lucky on my return home and get the same driver ... A girl can dream. I flash my I.D. badge at the desk security guard, who no doubt believes he actually works for a porn warehouse, and make my way to the back of the building, past aisles and aisles of storage boxes of smut. At the very back of the warehouse is a standard bookshelf lined with DVD’s. I look for the current secret video—Jurassic Puss, tagline: ‘Life finds a way .&
Sarah Killian: The Marching Tides 4
4Hi, Jason here.Figured I’d take this opportunity to clear some things up while Sarah’s unconscious. Don’t worry, she’s fine. I managed to get her into my car and to a safe location. Well ... as safe a location as there is in our current circumstance ... She’s been out for a couple of hours, but I expect she’ll be waking up soon, so let’s get this over with while we can. First and foremost, I’m going to assume Sarah has told you I cheated on her, probably with Mary Sue. I nevercheated on her. I might be a heartless, work-for-hire killer, but I ain’t a cheating pig. Even assassins have morals, you know.You may have picked up on the fact that Sarah has a few commitment issues, so when things started to get serious between us, she started looking for any excuse she could find to break things off. One day she saw me hugging one of my assassin trainees—and yes, that trainee just so happened to be Mary Sue, long before she and Sarah became acqu
Sarah Killian: The Marching Tides 5
5What the fuckdid Jason say to you while I was out?Did he say I don’t have Tourette’s? He said I don’t have Tourette’s, didn’t he? I have Tourette’s, Porcupinedamnit!Ugh. Whatever. As long as he didn’t tell you about Pinny. Wait ... he told you about Pinny, didn’t he? Son-of-a-crotch-cuddling-lemur-loving-carpet-cooking-turd-licking-bastard-I’m-going-to-motherfucking-kill-him-and-no-I-don’t-mean-that-figuratively!Whatever Jason told you, it’s complete bullshit. The man is a lying, cheating, bastard. You’ve known him for one chapter. You’ve gotten through two whole bookswith me, and have I ever led you astray? Don’t answer that. I realize I shot myself in the foot with that argument.I can’t believe that son-of-a-cricket-choker took over a chapter of mystory. Who the fuck does he think he is inserting himself into my narrative? Typical, arrogant man.Fuck it. We’ll deal with this bullshit later. But don’t think this is over. You and I have som
Latest chapter
Sarah Killian: The Marching Tides Epilogue
EPILOGUESo, where doesthis leave us now? I don’t have much more to say on the matter. I’ve now killed both my parents, a surrogate father figure, and the only man I’ve ever even come close to feeling what some might describe as love for. I suppose I could spend my energy hunting down the rest of the Marching Tides and make sure they don’t spill T.H.E.M.’s—and therein my—secrets to the world, but honestly, I don’t have the energy to care about all that now. I got the revenge I was looking for, and it cost me all of the people I ever cared about.I suppose I’m a little concerned that the remaining Marching Tides may try and hunt me down and avenge the death of their leader—my mother—but I say let them try. I will be more than happy to kill any one of those fuckers who tries to fuck with me.So, what now? I have to admit Jason’s idea of finding the beach from The Shawshank Redemptionhas a certain appeal. If only he hadn’t felt the need to go all ‘patriarchal protector’ o
Sarah Killian: The Marching Tides 24
24I slowly cometo my senses, dazed and confused. Gradually, I remember the seizure; my radar intolerance frequently results in temporary memory loss. I take a look at my surroundings and see I’m in some sort of abandoned warehouse—obviously not the same one from Vegas where Jason and I had confronted Chuck, Gale, and Jared, but as far as abandoned warehouses go, there’s not that much variety. You end up kidnapped in one abandoned warehouse, you’ve ended up kidnapped in them all.I’m in an old, splintery wooden chair but I don’t appear to be restrained at all—verytrusting of my elusive captor. They do not appear, however, to have been so trusting as to leave me with Borden for it is conspicuously missing from the sheath under my waistband. This fucker is going to pay ... no onetakes Borden from me.I survey the rest of the room and see two other chairs across the warehouse, both occupied by captives who are unconscious—but breathing—andbound fir
Sarah Killian: The Marching Tides 23
23I wake upthe next morning before Jason and decide to check the Dark Web. I start up the pay-per-use phone, log into the app, and immediately see there is a new post from Rick. It reads, simply: “Dear Sarah, I know you’ll read this. I will see you soon. Hasa Diga, Ebowai.”The world drops out from under me. The meaning of those last three words is clear. There were only three people in the diner when I made that Book of Mormonreference to Zeke; myself, Zeke, and Jason, and unless we’re going for a Fight Clubtwist ending here where it turns out I’ve had a split personality working against me this entire time—for fuck’s sake, I sure hope we’re not going down thattired out trope—that means either Jason or Zeke have ratted me out to Rick, or might even beRick.I climb out of bed, doing my best not to make too much commotion and wake Jason, and start pacing the room, trying to sort out my thoughts. It makes absolutely zero sense for Zeke to turncoat on his
Sarah Killian: The Marching Tides 22
22In the morning,I decide it might not be a bad idea to give myself a bit of a cover story so I call down to the front desk to complain about the noise from the room next door last night. “They were blasting their music so loud, and it was after three in the morning, it was so damn obnoxious. They woke me right up out of sleep!”“Did you call to notify us at the time of the incident?” the operator asks. I can tell from the tone of his voice that this is a conversation he has had one hundred times too many.“Well, no ... ”“Then what exactly do you expect us to do about it? If you’d told us about the incident at the time it was happening, we could have addressed the matter and resolved it without causing you any further discomfort. Unfortunately, our engineering team has not yet cracked the secret of time travel, though I assure you they are working diligently on it, so at this point of the morning there isn’t anything we can do to address the problem.”I sudde
Sarah Killian: The Marching Tides 21
21First thing thenext morning, we check our new Dark Web app. Sure enough, the first post on the Marching Tides board is a bulletin from the enigmatic Rick, increasing the bounty on my head to six million bucks. On the plus side, Rick still wants me brought to him alive at all costs, so I guess I should be thankful for that small favor. Jason’s life is, apparently, still considered expendable, though. Stupidly, I break the number one rule of the internet, which is even more true for the darkside of the internet: neverread the comments. Not entirely surprisingly, the majority of the comments are along the misogynistic lines of, “Oh, I’ll bring her in alive ... what I do to her beforethat is a different matter ... ” And people honestly wonder why I killed twelve men—I killed one woman, just to try it out, but it wasn’t nearly as satisfying—for pleasure before T.H.E.M. recruited me? Seems pretty self-explanatory, to me.Rick doesn’t app
Sarah Killian: The Marching Tides 20
20We find a restaurant—a realrestaurant, not just a diner, for once!—to have some dinner, then seek out a motel to spend the night. We agree we shouldn’t check the Dark Web app until we’re ready to leave Phoenix, or whatever location we are currently at whenever we check in, just in case we do set off any silent alarms. After checking into our motel room, we decide it’s a good time to switch up our appearances and identities again. I adopt a chin-length blonde wig accompanied by brown-tinted contact lenses and a new prosthetic nose. This time Jason decides to be the one to go ginger with hair dye and a fake beard.Our new disguises donned, Jason asks, “So, what do we do now? We’ve got the whole night ahead of us since we can’t check the Dark Web app until the morning.”“Well, we could ... you know... ” I smile.“I don’t think we should repay Frank’s hospitality by killing some random Phoenician immediately after Frank risked his career to help
Sarah Killian: The Marching Tides 19
19As promised,we drive into Phoenix around mid-afternoon. Jason navigates us into an impressively affluent neighborhood; the kind that I’m pretty sure would cause most people to start having convulsions if they were to simply lookat the price of a house here. At the end of the street is an estate that makes all the other houses on the block look like slums. Gated entrance, video security cameras, twenty-foot brick wall with ornate barbed metal spikes bordering the entire property. The house itself is hidden behind the wall and a small grove of trees just beyond the gated entrance but you can just make out some turrets poking up beyond the canopy of the trees. It comes as absolutely no surprise to me when Jason confirms that Overkill Mansion is, indeed, our destination.“Like I said,” Jason says with a shrug, “Frank has done well for himself by going straight.”Almost makes me think about going straight, myself. Almost. If I thought there was any chance that there was
Sarah Killian: The Marching Tides 18
18The next morningwe agree that since we’ve decided to cut ourselves off from Zeke we should probably get the hell out of Colorado before he catches on and tracks us down himself. Unfortunately, we realize that if Zeke issomehow tied up with the Marching Tides, we’ve compromised our current mode of transportation by giving him a ride from the dispensary to the diner. But unless we’re going to steal a car or backtrack to L.A. or Vegas, none of which seem like particularly good ways of staying under the radar, we’ll just have to take that risk. Agreeing we should get out of Grand Junction sooner rather than later, we grab a couple of bagels from the motel’s continental breakfast station and hit the road. We figure as we’ve been more or less going northeast thus far we should probably switch it up a tad and instead head south toward Albuquerque, New Mexico.Between stopping for food, gas, and pit stops, the drive takes most of the day so we pass the time discussing our ne
Sarah Killian: The Marching Tides 17
17“Well ... that was unexpected,” Jason says, once we are alone in the car and driving through the night of Grand Junction. “To say the least,” I agree.“What do you make of it?”“I’ve seen the original Mission: Impossibleand just about every spy movie ever made ... So, usually when the former mentor, the only person you think you can trust, suddenly shows up from being presumed dead, that’s rarely a good sign.”“You don’t possibly think he’s tied up with the Marching Tides, do you? Why would Zeke be working to destroy his ownempire?”“No ... I don’t know ... ” I say, thinking of the twitching fingers. Zeke was definitelyhiding something. “I just have a bad feeling ... ”I refrain from revealing that Zeke expressed concern Jasonmight be tied up with the Marching Tides, or might even be the mysterious ‘Rick’, himself. Or, for that matter, that I’m not entirely convinced that Zeke is wrong
