Fated 09: Getting Closer

Athena’s P.O.V.

Sa nangyari kagabi ay hindi ko alam kung paano ko pakikiharapan si Cristoff ngayon. We were almost together the whole day yesterday, but when he said goodbye, doon na lang ulit bumalik ang hiya ko. Uuwi na nga lang siya, why does he have to remind me of my red two-piece that he inadvertently saw?

I was about to enter our classroom but at the same time, I was holding back. I was thinking of cutting classes again or going to the clinic and pretend that I was still sick.

Eventually, I made my decision.

I stepped backwards at nang lumingon ako para tumakbo palayo sa classroom namin ay may taong bigla namang sumalubong sa akin. Our distance was almost an inch at aaminin kong bahagya pa niyang nahalikan ang tungki ng ilong ko sa pagkakabangga namin.

“Oops, sana magka-height na lang tayong dalawa para diretso roon ‘yong lips ko…” sabi niya habang tinuturo ang mga labi ko gamit ang nguso niya.

I felt like I was blushing again. How many times do I have to feel like this?

Kung ito na ‘yong tinatawag nilang kilig, hindi ko alam. Sa tinuran niyang ‘yon ay hindi ako nakapagsalita. Bakit ba kasi iba ang nararamdaman ko sa tuwing kasama ko siya? Na parang gusto ko na siya laging makita?

It was already too far from the day we first met. And I must admit that this strange feeling also made me feel scared… scared enough because I might get used to it. That in the end, I wouldn’t want to be away from him.

I promised myself not to be friends with anyone here, most especially to him… but what is happening to me now?

“But where do you think you’re going, Helena?” he asked before looking at his wristwatch. “Fifteen minutes na lang, darating na si Ma’am.”

“I—I’m going to the clinic… hindi pa kasi ako magaling eh. Actually, pinilit ko lang pumasok but I’m still not feeling well. Masakit pa rin ang ulo ko,” pagsisinungaling ko. Ang totoo niyan ay magaling na talaga ako and I guessed, he contributed well sa paggaling ko. He made me glow like nobody else could… without even doing anything.

“Gano’n ba? Samahan na kita sa clinic. Tara… ako na ang magdadala ng mga gamit mo,” he offered. I was hesitant to give my bag to him because it was too girly, pero masyadong mabilis ang mga pangyayari. Namalayan ko na lang na nakasukbit na sa balikat niya ang red shoulder bag ko at hawak na rin niya ang mga folder ko.

Alanganin akong ngumiti. “Ah, ano— I’ve changed my mind na, Cristoff. Kaya ko pa naman, mamaya na lang siguro ako pupunta sa clinic. A-Akin na ‘yong bag ko, nakakahiya sa mga nakakakita sa atin dito. Baka kung ano pang isipin nila—” I wasn’t yet finished when he swiftly cut me off.

“Eh ano naman? Wala naman tayong ginagawang masama. Tsaka first time ba nilang makakita nang ganito? Basta sasamahan kita sa clinic mamaya ha? Tara, pasok na tayo.” He said it quite loudly which made me wander my eyes around.

Halos lahat ng mga estudyante sa hallway ay nakatingin tuloy sa aming dalawa. Nahagip pa nga ng dalawang mata ko ‘yong ex-girlfriend niya, before Cristoff gave me back my folders and softly turned me around.

He placed both of his hands on my shoulders and gently pushed me towards the direction of our classroom. Para akong nakuryente sa mga kamay niyang nakahawak sa mga balikat ko, but I must admit that I loved the feeling. However, I couldn’t help but think that he was only doing this to make his ex-girlfriend jealous and I didn’t want to be used by him. I didn’t want to be involved in their stupid love quarrel.

Sa paglipat ni Vanessa sa ibang section ay nawalan na ng katabi si Cristoff on his right side. I remained sitting at his back and I had no intention of moving to his ex-girlfriend’s seat. Baka kasi kung ano pang mas malalang virus ang nandoon, lalo pa akong magkasakit.

Pagpasok namin sa classroom, katulad nang eksena kanina sa hallway, lahat ng pares ng mga mata ay nakatingin din sa aming dalawa. Ang iba ay nang-aasar at ang iba naman ay parang nagdududa — as if something wrong was going on between the two of us. I hurriedly grabbed my bag from Cristoff and went to my chair… but I wasn’t yet able to sit down when I saw a white rose on my desk.

“Boo… sorry ka na lang, Brent! White rose lang ang sa’yo, naunahan ka naman ni Dave sa pagdala ng bag. Finish na, guys… may nanalo na!” Narinig kong pang-aasar ng isa naming classmate kay Brent. Kung alam lang nilang nasa bahay pa nga namin kahapon si Cristoff at halos buong araw kaming magkasama ay lalo pa nila kaming aasarin.

“Uy, huwag ka ngang maingay!” saway naman ni Brent dito.

So sa kanya pala galing ito. Hindi naman ako pinanganak kahapon para hindi ko malaman kung anong ibig sabihin nito. Obviously, he was trying to tell his secret feelings for me by giving me this rose.

For three months that I had been studying here at St. Augustine’s Academy, I was able to know the names of my classmates. And I knew that Brent was one of those who are also running for honors. Ilang beses ko na rin siyang naging kagrupo at masasabi kong isa siyang magaling na leader. He was half-Filipino and half-American who stood at around 5’9”. He was having light brown hair and blue gray eyes, but he was clearly not my type.

I looked at Brent at namumula naman itong kumaway sa akin. He was all-out smiling while others were still teasing him. I came closer to them and he smiled even more… but all of a sudden, his smile disappeared when I returned him the white rose.

“I’m sorry. I can’t accept this,” I told him.

It would be much better if at this early stage, I already made everything clear to him. Frankly speaking, I didn’t want to give him a chance… not even a one percent chance. I didn’t want to get his hopes too high. I didn’t want him to expect anything from me, even friendship. Ngayon ay alam ko na kung bakit parang iba ang mga tingin niya sa akin noon. May ibig palang sabihin ang lahat nang iyon.

“But, Helena…” he complained.

He didn’t want to get the flower so I had no other choice but place it on his desk, “No buts, no ifs.” I brusquely said.

“Uh oh, basted!” sabay-sabay na pang-aasar pa lalo ng grupong kinabibilangan niya.

Bumalik naman ako sa upuan ko, inayos ang mga gamit ko at hindi ko na sila nilingon pa. Kung nagalit man sa’kin si Brent ay wala akong pakialam. Hindi ko naman siya intensyong pahiyain sa lahat, I just wanted to make myself clear from the very start. Mabait pa nga ako sa lagay na ‘yon dahil hindi ko diretsahang sinabi na hindi ko siya gusto!

When I took my seat, I opened my bag to get my cellphone and bluetooth headset, then I listened to the music. One of my hobbies were composing songs and I was proud to say that I composed the majority of them in my playlist. I also opened one of my folders to sanity check our Annual Camp report until I got distracted by someone who sat beside me.

“Balita ko, absent daw si Jenny ngayon kaya dito muna ako uupo ha?” Hindi naman gano’n kalakas ang volume ng music ko kung kaya’t narinig ko pa rin ‘yong sinabi niya. Tumingin ako sa kanya at hindi ko alam kung bakit gano’n na lang ang mga ngiti niya na para bang ang saya-saya niya.

I rolled my eyes. “As if I care!” pagtataray ko kay Cristoff. Hindi ko alam pero pati siya ay nadadamay sa inis ko.

But deep inside, I knew it was only a front — a mask to cover what I really felt for him. I actually liked how he naturally brushed his hair today… and that made him totally different from anybody else.

“Ang sungit naman talaga… pero sabay tayong mag-lunch mamaya ha? Sasamahan pa kita sa clinic after that.” Kumindat pa ito sa akin.

Tiningnan ko lang siya nang masama to hide my unidentified feelings. Nagpatuloy lang ako sa pakikinig ng mga kanta ko hanggang dumating na nga si Mrs. Cheng.

Few hours went by and our first subject already ended. As usual, pabibo na naman si Cristoff but unlike before where he kept on debating with my answers, pinagbibigyan niya lang ako ngayon. Ang ganda pa nga ng mga ngiti niya sa’kin, para siyang baliw!

Before Mrs. Cheng went out of the classroom, Cristoff and I submitted to her our Annual Camp project proposal. She said that they, together with the higher office, would still review our report and would let us know for any changes on the plan.

Bago nakalabas ang lahat ng classmates namin ay nilapitan pa ako ni Brent.

“I’m sorry for what happened a while ago, Helena. I just want you to know my true feelings for you. Actually…” he paused for a few seconds before continuing his sentence, “I had a big crush on you, Helena. Matagal na. I guessed, it all started when we became groupmates in History. But if you didn’t like it, I promise that it won’t happen again. Huwag ka sanang mailang sa akin.”

I just nodded at him. Hindi na ako kumibo dahil baka hindi ko pa mapigilan ang bibig ko at baka kung ano lang ang masabi ko. Narinig ko pang medyo inaasar pa siya ng ilang barkada niya bago sila tuluyang lumabas ng classroom. They even mentioned the first name of Cristoff.

“Kaya pala kahit dati pa, iba na kung makatingin sa’yo ang kumag! May pa-rose-rose pa siyang nalalaman. Tsk, if only he knew that your favorite color was red and not white. Buti, binasted mo!” komento ni Cristoff nang wala nang iba pang tao sa paligid namin.

At pa’no naman niya nasabing iba na kung makatingin sa akin noon pa man si Brent?

“Correction — hindi ko siya binasted dahil in the first place, hindi naman siya nanliligaw sa’kin.” I said while sorting my folders.

“So, may pag-asa siya sa’yo kung sakali mang manligaw siya?” he asked. I wasn’t looking at him, but I think I could visualize that he was furrowing his eyebrows at this moment.

“Hmm, pag-iisipan ko… but why not? Gwapo naman siya.” I quickly looked at him and I saw how distraught crossed his entire face after hearing my answer.

I secretly smiled. Is he jealous?

The truth was I really didn’t see Brent as my boyfriend even though he was undeniably handsome. Baka sumabog lang kami dahil magkasing-puti kaming dalawa. Mas gusto ko pa rin kasi ‘yong moreno. Lalaking-lalaki kung tingnan.

Katulad ni…

“Tara na nga, kumain na tayo…” he changed the topic, at the same time, instinctively cutting my thoughts.

“Ayoko, hindi pa ako nagugutom.” Hindi ko siya tinitingnan at nanatili lang ako sa upuan ko. Hindi ko kasi talaga alam kung anong mayroon sa hair style niya at bakit parang ang gwapo niya ngayon.

So mas bagay pala sa kanya ‘pag walang gel or wax ang buhok? ‘Yong natural lang…

“Eh pa’no ka niyan gagaling nang tuluyan kung hindi ka kakain?” he argued. His hair style plus his concerns for me? What more could I ask for?

Oh my God, Athena! Stop!

“Bakit ba ang kulit mo? Hindi pa nga ako gutom. Pupunta na lang muna siguro ako sa clinic,” tumayo ako at saka sinukbit ang bag sa kanang balikat ko bago niyakap ang mga folder sa dibdib ko.

“‘Di ba nga, sasamahan din kita sa clinic? Eh ‘di sa clinic muna tayo… baka mahilo ka pa sa daan, kung ano pang mangyari sa’yo! Akin na ‘yang bag mo, ako na ang magdadala.”

I was about to protest again when someone caught my attention, that was why I looked at that person. For that, I unconsciously gave my bag to Cristoff.

“D-Dave…”

It was no other than Vanessa. She was standing at the door, timidly peeking at us. Malamang, gusto niyang makausap si Cristoff. But what for? Was her caught-in-the-act tryst not enough?

I rolled my eyes. Ang kapal talaga ng mukha niya!

I looked at Cristoff and I saw how his reaction suddenly changed at the presence of her and I just hated it. I just hated it with no apparent reason! May nararamdaman pa kaya siya kay Vanessa?

I didn’t know why I got easily cranky and mad, but that was when I thought of doing something interesting and fun. I knew, I shouldn’t get involved, but this would only be an act.

“Let’s go, Cristoff. Mag-lunch na tayo. Dadaan pa tayo sa clinic kasi kailangan ko pang uminom ng gamot, ‘di ba?” I said in a normal tone, na hindi halatang nagpapanggap lang ako. Hinawakan ko ang kanan niyang kamay pagkatapos ay nginitian ko siya at hinila palabas ng pinto. “Excuse us!” I even smiled at Vanessa, pero kulang na lang ay sabihan ko siya na huwag siyang paharang-harang sa daan. I could sense that she was with her friends who seemed to be hiding somewhere else, pero wala akong pakialam.

Wala naman itong nagawa kung hindi ang tumabi at padaanin kami. Wala rin namang nagawa si Cristoff kung hindi ang magpadarang lang sa akin.

When I was already sure na malayo na kami sa classroom at wala nang iba pang tao na makakakita sa aming dalawa ay saka ko lamang siya padabog na binitiwan, “Malayo na tayo sa kanya, kumain ka na.”

Confusion was evident on his entire face. “So what was that act all about, Helena? Ngayon, pakakainin mo ako nang mag-isa?”

“Bakit? Gusto mo ba siyang kasamang kumain? Go ahead, balikan mo roon sa classroom natin!” I even pointed out the direction of the building where our classroom was located. “Nandoon pa ‘yon, baka hinihintay ka lang na bumalik. Akin na nga ‘yang bag ko!” I tried to grab my bag from him pero iniwas lang niya ito sa’kin.

“Wala akong sinasabing ganyan. Kahit naman wala ka roon, hindi ko pa rin siya kakausapin. We’re already over, Helena… and it has been three months. Ang akin lang… I thought, payag ka nang sabay tayong kumain.” Bakas ang lungkot sa boses niya hanggang sa… “Teka, nagseselos ka ba?” at saka gumuhit ang isang nakakaloko at mapang-asar na ngiti sa mga labi niya.

I then let out a sarcastic chuckle. “Ako, magseselos? And why would I even be jealous? Boyfriend ba kita? Alam mo, kung ayaw mong ibigay ‘yang bag ko… fine! Diyan ka na nga! You’re only wasting my time!” Nagsimula na akong lumakad palayo sa kanya. How many times did I walk out from him? I already lost count. So what if he doesn’t want to give me back my bag? I could still buy the things that I had.

Pero nagulat na lang ako nang hinabol naman niya ako at sa pagkakataong ito ay ako naman ang hinawakan niya sa kanan kong kamay. It wasn’t just a simple touch because he made sure that our fingers were clasped on each other, filling the gaps of one another. I tried so hard na kumawala pero nahirapan lang ako. It looked like hindi niya talaga ako bibitiwan kahit ano pang pagpupumiglas ang gawin ko.

“Ikaw ang gusto kong makasama, Helena. Ikaw ang niyaya kong kumain, ‘di ba? Let’s stop this argument and just have a peaceful lunch together. I’ll let you eat something I’m sure you haven’t yet tasted before!” This time, I found his voice charming and soft.

And in just a blink of an eye, I gave up protesting. I just couldn’t say no to him because at the same time, I really wanted to be with him. I desired to follow my mind, but I ended up listening to my heart.

Pumunta kami sa canteen nang magkahawak pa rin ang mga kamay. Nagbitiw lang kami nang pumila siya para bumili ng pagkain at ako nama’y naghanap ng bakanteng mesa at upuan na mapupuwestuhan namin. I didn’t care anymore how people stared at us. They should mind their own business. As long as we were not violating any school rules and we were not doing anything wrong, we shouldn’t worry.

“I thought, you would let me eat something I haven’t yet tasted before, Cristoff? Eh bakit tayo rito pumunta sa canteen? Halos lahat nang pagkain dito eh natikman ko na, nakakasawa na nga eh!” I told him pero nagulat ako nang dalawang plato lang ng kanin ang dala-dala niya. “Don’t tell me… kanin lang ang kakainin nating dalawa? As in… walang ulam?” My eyeballs would come out of my sockets anytime if he would tell me that the answer was yes.

“Yup, kanin lang… kaya nga first time mong kanin lang ang kakainin.” Nakangiti niyang kinuha ang bag niya at binuksan iyon, pagkatapos ay nilabas niya ang isang tupperware mula roon. “Siyempre, joke lang ‘yon. Kaya nga pinilit talaga kitang makasabay kumain ngayon kasi I’m sure, hindi ka pa nakakakain ng baon ko. Masarap ‘to! Teka, hihiram lang ako ng kutsilyo.”

“Cristoff, wait… c-can I copy your notes yesterday?” habol ko sa kanya bago siya tumayo. Sa halos buong araw naming pagsasama kahapon sa bahay ay hindi man lang ako nakakopya ng notes niya sa Physics.

“Sure, kunin mo na lang diyan sa loob ng bag ko. There are also index cards with complete formulas,” he answered before he went to the counter to borrow a knife.

I opened his bag and while searching for his Physics’ notes, my attention was caught by a different book. Nasa pinakailalim ‘yon na natakpan na ng iba niyang mga libro at notebook. Luminga-linga ako sa paligid at dahil maraming tao sa loob ng canteen ay hindi ko nilabas ang librong ‘yon.

Oh my God, bawal ‘to dito ha! Nagbabasa pala ng mga ganito si Cristoff? my mind screamed while reading the title of the book.

Hindi ko alam kung bakit pero parang biglang uminit ang pakiramdam ko. Ayokong pag-isipan siya nang masama pero bakit may ganito siyang libro sa bag niya? Alangan namang hindi kanya ito eh bakit nasa kanya?

My mind was suddenly filled with questions. I looked at Cristoff as he was currently waiting for the one who would lend him a knife… and just by simply looking at him, I believed that he was a nice and innocent person. I didn’t want to accuse him of anything that was why I just forced myself to set aside my thoughts. Kinuha ko na lang ang notebook niyang may mga nakaipit na index card at saka kumopya ng mga formula, then I zipped his bag. Pero ewan ko ba… hindi ko pa rin maiwasang mag-isip nang kung ano sa kanya.

So for me to totally forget the book that I saw as one of his belongings, I focused myself on copying his notes. Habang nagsusulat ako ay hindi ko rin maiwasang tingnan ang baunan ni Cristoff. Curiosity began to eat me. All I could barely see inside was something red and orange.

Ano kaya ‘yong kakainin naming dalawa na hindi ko pa raw nakakain sa tanang buhay ko? Hmm… hindi naman siguro malaking bulate ’yon?