Fated 12: Stunning Moonlight

Athena’s P.O.V.

“There you are!” I felt happy and relieved when I saw the gold flag. It was still hanging there, the same way how we left it this morning — as if never been touched. I carefully stepped on the large root, hugged the tree and slowly took the flag from the tree’s branch.

I rolled my eyes in annoyance. Ang hina naman ng mga Junior students na ‘yon! Hindi nila ito nakita? Masyado ba silang maliit para hindi man lang mapansin itong gold flag? Eh nakasabit lang naman ito sa isang sanga.

Slowly going back to the ground with scattered leaves, I found myself sweating profusely. At first, I wasn’t able to realize that organizing the Annual Camp could be all this tiring. As I checked myself, some beautiful and white amor secos¹ were already attached to my shoes and pants, so I had to fix myself first before I decided to go back to the camp.

When I reached the corner of my self-made trail, nalito na ako kung kakanan ba ako o kakaliwa. I lost track of pebbles na inilalagay ko sa bawat daang nililikuan ko. In the end, I decided to take the way on the left and just continued to walk.

I glanced at my wristwatch and found that it had already been an hour and yet, I couldn’t find my way out. I always ended being on the same spot. I realized that I always came back to this old tree where I got the gold flag for umpteenth time already. I took a different route and yet, the same thing happened to me. I started getting nervous and deep inside, panic began to eat me. I was eager to do something but I knew that I couldn’t do anything.

Oh my God, am I lost?

I tried another route pero mukhang napunta naman ako sa mas masukal pang parte ng gubat. I wasn’t get easily scared but I must admit, takot ako sa ahas! Sino bang hindi? I became even more nervous when darkness started to spread across the whole place. I stopped myself from imagining things because it would only do me no good, and only God knew how I would be able to survive in this kind of situation.

Wala akong dalang flashlight kaya umasa na lang ako sa ilaw na nagmumula sa cell phone ko. Nakakainis pa na wala man lang signal dito. I tried myself to reach everywhere. I even jumped and climbed from some small tree branches hoping to have even just one bar of signal but to no avail.

Wait! Sabi ni Ate Paula… kapag naliligaw ka raw ay kailangan mo lang baliktarin ang damit mo and you will soon find your way back.

I wandered my eyes to check the surroundings. I guessed, there was no harm in trying. There was no one here other than me so nobody would see me taking off my clothes. Then, I started reversing my blouse and pants.

I was already done reversing my clothes and continued on my mission to get back but still, I didn’t see any signs that I was close to the camp. And with the turn of events, napalitan na ng takot ‘yong kaba na nararamdaman ko lang kanina, nang magsimula pang umulan.

I wasn’t expecting that the rain would be this heavy. Basang-basa na ako pero wala pa rin akong nasisilungan. Nanginginig akong napayakap sa aking sarili. Nangangatog na rin ‘yong mga tuhod ko sa tindi ng lamig. I was clearly trembling in fear. Some people would already get a traumatic experience just by staying here. Pero iniisip ko na lang na mas nakakatakot pa nga ang lahat nang naranasan ko kay Daddy.

“Tulong!” Hindi ko na napigilan ang sarili kong sumigaw nang mamatay na ang cell phone ko. It was waterproofed but its battery already went dead. I knew it was impossible, but I was still hoping that someone could actually hear me.

Sobrang lakas ng kulog, sobrang dilim pa ng paligid at ‘yong isipin na wala man lang katao-tao sa lugar kung nasaan ako ngayon ay nakapagpadulot lalo sa akin ng mas matinding takot.

Relax, Athena! You can survive here. You have to survive kahit mag-isa ka lang!

I couldn’t help but imagine that something scary would suddenly appear right in front of me. I couldn’t help but think that the sound of the crickets were already converted into howling of some hovering beasts. In the end, I erased them all in my mind and just prayed — the thing that I avoided to do when Mom died.

Lord, please help me survive this. Sana po ay may makakita sa akin…

“God is great, Helena. Trust me, there is a reason for everything. You may not know it now but eventually… you will.”

I suddenly remembered the person who made me go back to what I was certainly doing before. He made me realize that I should let go and let God take over.

Ano kayang ginagawa niya ngayon? Nag-aalala kaya siya sa’kin dahil hindi pa rin ako nakakabalik sa camp?

I must admit that with all the negative things that happened to me, I should give up the fight and let myself die now. Mommy and Helena were all gone. Si Daddy naman ay hindi pa rin ako matanggap… pinagawan na nga ako ng lapida kahit ako’y buhay pa. In fact, I didn’t have any reasons to live anymore but when I thought of Cristoff, gusto kong lumaban. Gusto kong mabuhay at ma-enjoy pa ang mga sandaling kasama ko siya.

Nagpatuloy ako sa paglalakad nang sa hindi inaasahang pagkakataon ay sumabit ang isa kong paa sa tingin ko’y nakausling ugat ng malaking puno. Nadapa ako at naramdaman kong nagkaroon ako ng kaunting hiwa at galos sa braso. Nahulog din ang eye glasses ko pero hindi ko na ‘yon pinagtuunan pa ng atensyon. I could see clearly even without my fake eye glasses on.

Pinakiramdaman ko ang paligid dahil parang may narinig akong kakaiba. Guni-guni ko lang ba na may tumawag sa akin ng Helena? Na may naghahanap sa akin, pumipito at isinisigaw ang pekeng pangalan ko?

“Ouch!” I tried to stand up but I couldn’t do it. I knew, I got sprain on my left foot. Still not giving up, I decided to crawl kahit alam kong maputik nang may narinig ulit akong sigaw na tila papalapit na sa kinaroroonan ko.

“Helena!” It was a male voice.

I wasn’t only imagining things. I knew it was real, that someone was actually looking for me… that like me who did not give up on myself, someone also took the risk and did not give up to search for me in this kind of dangerous forest.

But is that Cristoff? It was too late for me to realize that it could really be him.

He searched for me? But why did he do that? Hindi ba niya naisip na delikado sa lugar na ito? Pa’no kung siya naman ang mapahamak?

“Helena!” He screamed again followed by a repeating sound of a whistle.

Sa pangalawang sigaw ay napagtanto kong si Cristoff nga talaga ang nagmamay-ari ng boses na iyon. Doon na ako nabuhayan ng loob.

“Cristoff, dito! Nandito ako!” puno ng pag-asang sigaw ko pabalik. Gusto kong maiyak kasi alam kong hindi na ako mag-iisa.

Lord, thank You po for answering my prayer. Sana ay makita niya ako!

After a few minutes, naramdaman kong may mga hakbang na ang paunti-unting lumalapit sa pwesto ko — hanggang sa tuluyan ko na ngang makita si Cristoff.

Mabilis niya akong inalalayan upang makatayo. Hinubad niya ‘yong jacket niya at agad iyong isinuot sa akin. Bahagya akong nakasandal sa katawan niya gawa nang hindi ko maitapak ‘yong kaliwa kong paa.

“God, Helena! Okay ka lang ba? May masakit ba sa’yo? Saan ka na naman ba kasi nagsususuot? Alam mo bang pinag-alala mo ako, ha? Masyadong delikado sa lugar na ito tapos nag-iisa ka lang. Sana kasi ay hindi ka na lang pumayag na ikaw ‘yong kumuha ng gold flag, sana ay inutos mo na lang sa iba—” natigilan siya sa pagsasalita nang bigla ko na lang siyang niyakap. Hindi ko na napigilan ang sarili kong umiyak.

Dati, inis na inis ako sa tuwing sinusundan niya ako so I had to do my different walkout stunts. Three months ko pa siyang iniwasan noon because I didn’t want to be friends with him, until we were paired to organize this Annual Camp.

All of a sudden, I found myself secured whenever I was with him — bagay na kailanman ay hindi ko naranasan kay Daddy. I was still hesitant and there were a few times that I still tried to stay away from him, but I knew for a fact that the true reason why I was avoiding him was because I got too scared of falling for him completely.

Having him beside me in this kind of situation — silently crying while hugging him in the rain, was one of the best feelings I had ever experienced in my damned entire life. My fears were all gone and suddenly replaced by hope. It felt like I had just been saved again by my knight in shining armor and I could spoil this moment all night long.

“Ssh, hush now. I’m here, everything will be alright.” Cristoff said while gently caressing my back. He even fixed some of my hair strands na tumakip sa aking mukha. “For now, we need to find a place dahil sobrang lakas ng ulan. Kailangan natin ng masisilungan. Kaya mo bang maglakad?” tanong niya.

Tumingin ako sa basang-basang mukha niya. Gwapo naman pala talaga si Cristoff — bagay na hindi ko nakita dati, o sadyang hindi ko lang talaga pinagtuunan nang pansin. Maybe, I literally drooled over him during the swimming pool scene but I was just too afraid to admit it.

Tumango lang ako sa kanya. Maingat naman niya akong inalalayan pero sa unang hakbang ko pa lang ay napangiwi na ako sa sakit na aking naramdaman. Hindi ko pa pala kayang maglakad. Sobrang sakit talaga ng na-sprain kong kaliwang paa.

“Dapat sinabi mo sa akin agad na hindi mo pala kaya.” Nagulat ako nang bigla na lang niya akong kinarga, “Tsk! ‘Kita mo, oh? Ang gaan-gaan mo, kung tutuusin ay kayang-kaya kitang ihagis eh. Hindi ka kasi nagkakakain,” pagbibiro pa niya sa akin.

I didn’t mind him anymore. I would just argue with him once I was already fully recovered. Sa ngayon ay pagbibigyan ko na lang muna siya dahil masyado na akong nilalamig at nanghihina para patulan pa ang mga pang-aasar niya. Isinandal ko na lang ang ulo ko sa dibdib niya. It felt like I found my haven where I could actually feel free, safe and sound. Matagal din niya akong kinarga bago kami nakakita ng isang maliit na kubong pwede naming silungan.

He was really careful to place me in the cot that was made of rattan, then he sat beside me. He took off his T-shirt and squeezed it hard to dry it. Next, he removed his pants and all was left was his black boxer shorts. He was half-naked again — the main reason why I looked away. I didn’t know how many times I swallowed, I just felt the need to.

“H-Helena, kailangan mong t-tanggalin ‘yong d-damit mo kasi lalo ka lang lalamigin. Baka magka-trangkaso ka pa ulit,” he was stuttering. He wasn’t able to look at me straight in the eyes.

It was a good thing that I was wearing my red sleeveless shirt and cycling shorts inside. That way, I wouldn’t be ashamed to take off my clothes in front of him, after I took off his jacket and gave it all to him. He immediately wrung my clothes using his fine-looking biceps and placed them beside his.

Hinubad niya ‘yong rubber shoes ko at saka ko bahagyang nakita na namamaga na pala ‘yong kaliwa kong paa. Binuksan niya ‘yong dala niyang backpack, lumuhod sa aking harapan at pansamantalang nilagyan ng bandage ‘yong paa ko bilang pangunang-lunas.

“Thanks, Cristoff. May first aid kit ka talagang dala ha?” Nakangiting sabi ko sa kanya.

“Pinag-alala mo kasi ako! Eh baka kung napaano ka na kaya nagdala ako nito… and my instinct was right after all. May dala rin akong pagkain dito. Nagugutom ka na ba?”

Akma niyang kukunin ‘yong pagkain sa bag niya nang umiling ako.

“Sure kang hindi ka pa talaga nagugutom?”

Tumango naman ako.

Tumabi na lang siya ulit sa akin at saka isinandal ‘yong ulo ko sa balikat niya. Hindi naman ako tumanggi. Kahit nawawala kaming dalawa, masaya pa rin ako dahil kasama ko siya. I couldn’t imagine myself to spend the night alone sa ganitong lugar.

“Cristoff, bakit?” tanong ko. I was just curious why he followed me.

“Anong bakit?” tanong naman niya pabalik.

Inangat ko ‘yong ulo ko at nakipagtitigan sa kanya. “B-Bakit mo ‘ko hinanap? Sigurado akong pinigilan ka ng mga teacher natin dahil delikado sa daan—” he placed his forefinger in my lips to stop me from asking.

“I couldn’t wait until tomorrow without doing anything. I didn’t care if it was too dangerous, Helena. Mas gugustuhin ko pang ako na lang ang mapahamak… ‘wag lang ikaw,” masuyo niyang sabi.

Umiwas ako nang tingin. My heart was beating freaking faster now. I didn’t know what to feel and I couldn’t find the right words to say. May parte sa pagkatao ko ang nagsasabing dapat akong kiligin, pero may parte rin namang nagsasabing ‘wag ko siyang pansinin. My mind and heart were actually battling. Tuluyan na akong nahulog sa kanya kahit alam kong mali.

“Dapat kasi ay nagpasama ka na lang talaga sa’kin, Helena? Hindi ‘yong basta-basta ka na lang pupunta sa gubat nang wala kang kasama! Ano? Kaya mo? ‘Kita mong nangyari sa’yo! Alam mo ba kung gaano mo akong pinag-alala, ha?” sermon niya.

I looked at him again but I just wanted to laugh at his sermons, “At bakit ka naman mag-aalala?”

Pero nagulat ako nang bigla na lang niya akong niyakap. “Mahal—” naramdaman ko ang saglit na paglunok niya, “mahalaga ka sa akin, Helena. I couldn’t imagine what might happen next to you if I didn’t see you. If I wasn’t able to find you, baka habambuhay kong sisihin ang sarili ko.”

Hindi ko tinanggal ‘yong pagkakayakap niya sa akin dahil nagdulot ‘yon ng kakaibang init na pilit na umaalis sa ginaw na nararamdaman ko ngayon. Matagal din kami na nasa gano’ng posisyon.

“C-Cristoff, kain na tayo?” alok ko. Hindi pa talaga ako nagugutom pero sinadya kong sabihin ‘yon para tanggalin na niya ‘yong pagkakayakap niya sa akin. It was getting awkward at ayoko namang mailang sa kanya.

Kinuha niya ‘yong bag at tahimik lang kaming kumain. I suddenly remembered having lunch with him five days ago. If only he knew that it was one of my most memorable lunch ever. That way, I felt like I was completely normal… na wala akong kailangang intindihing problema.

He made me do a lot of ‘first-time’ things in just one day. And how I wished na maulit pang muli ang isang araw na ‘yon. How I wished na magkaroon pa ako nang isa pang araw para makasama ko siya at maging masaya ako.

Mamayamaya lang ay tumila na rin ang ulan, pero dahil napakadilim pa rin ng paligid ay imposibleng makabalik kami sa camp nang hindi naliligaw.

“Bukas na lang tayo bumalik sa camp at baka maligaw lang tayo ulit. At least bukas, maliwanag na.” nakangiti niyang sabi sa’kin.

“Cristoff, hmm… ano nga pa lang napag-usapan niyo ni V-Vanessa kanina?” Hindi ko alam kung bakit naitanong ko sa kanya ‘yon. It was too late for me to get those words back.

“She’s asking for a second chance. Na-realize daw niya na ako pala talaga ‘yong mahal niya at hindi si Drew,” bigla siyang sumeryoso.

Eh, ikaw? Mahal mo pa ba siya?

I wanted to voice it out pero ayokong marinig mula sa kanya na mahal pa niya si Vanessa. Kahit magbiro lang siya, hindi ko alam kung bakit may kurot akong nararamdaman… like when he joked about that five days ago. That was the main reason why I suddenly lost my appetite and got out of the mood.

“Eh… ano namang sinabi mo?” I hated myself now for asking him questions na hindi ko naman mapigilang itanong.

“Sabi ko? Hmm…” mataman niya akong tiningnan at saka niya ako nginitian nang nakakaloko, “na may Helena na ‘ko!”

Nanlaki ‘yong mga mata ko at dahil sa pagkabigla ay hinampas ko ‘yong dibdib niya. In fairness for a sixteen-year old teenager, matigas ’yon ah! I wanted to hear from him that he didn’t love Vanessa anymore but I would have never expected what he said either.

“Hey! I’m just kidding, Helena. Look, you’re blushing…” pang-aasar niya pa.

Hindi ko naman siya inimik.

“Seriously, pinilit kong kapain sa puso ko ‘yong atraksiyong naramdaman ko sa kanya dati eh, pero wala na akong maramdaman kahit katiting. Ikaw, Helena… naranasan mo na bang magmahal? Nagka-boyfriend ka na ba?”

Inirapan ko siya. “When Athena died, nawalan na ako ng kakampi so I ended up loving myself. I also didn’t experience having a boyfriend. I was only fifteen, Cristoff. Wala pa sa isip ko ang mga ganyang bagay. Siguro kasi, ayokong masaktan at ayoko ring makasakit. In short, ayokong magpa-alipin sa pag-ibig…” prangka kong sabi.

“Bakit hindi natin s-subukan?” tanong niya na siyang nakapagpataas ng kilay ko.

“S-Subukan ang alin?” kunot-noong tanong ko.

Hinawakan niya ‘yong mga kamay ko at seryosong tiningnan ‘yong mukha ko. Hindi ko alam pero kinabahan ulit ako — dahilan upang lalong lumakas ‘yong pintig ng puso ko. “Tayo? Tayong dalawa? Malay mo, mag-work?”

Nanlaki ‘yong mga mata ko sa sinabi niya. Bahagya ko rin siyang naitulak. “Hello! Okay ka lang? Naiintindihan mo ba ‘yong mga sinasabi mo sa akin ngayon, Cristoff? Hindi nga tayo friends eh, magkarelasyon pa kaya? Paanong magwo-work ‘yon? Tsaka, marami ka pang hindi alam tungkol sa akin—” mahabang litanya ko pero pinutol lang niya ang iba ko pang sasabihin.

“Gusto kita, Helena. Kung marami man akong hindi alam tungkol sa’yo, hindi pa rin mababago niyon ang katotohanang gusto kita.”

Umiwas na naman ako ng tingin. Hindi ko siya kayang tingnan at baka bumigay lang ako sa kanya. Gayong tuluyan na akong nahulog sa kanya, ayoko namang pumasok sa isang relasyon na walang kasiguraduhan.

“Hindi ka sigurado sa nararamdaman mo para sa akin, Cristoff. Nasasabi mo lang ‘yan dahil ako ang kasama mo ngayon. Ayokong maging panakip-butas mo lang kay Vanessa.”

“I’m sorry if that’s what you think pero wala na akong nararamdaman para sa kanya. I’m sorry din sa nasabi ko, kung nabigla man kita… pero totoo ‘yon, Helena — I don’t know when, I don’t know how… pero gusto talaga kita,” at niyakap niya akong muli, but this time, mas mahigpit.

I quivered as unexplainable shivers went down my whole body. Aalisin ko na sana ‘yong mga braso niya nang…

“Please, hayaan mo lang akong yakapin ka. Baka kasi hindi na dumating pa ang araw na mayakap ulit kita nang ganito.”

I was thinking that he was only taking advantage on me, pero hindi naman ako tumutol sa ginagawa niya sa’kin. The fact na sinundan niya ako rito kahit alam niyang delikado sa gubat na ito ay nangangahulugang isa siyang mabuting tao. At sa mga pagkakataong ito, pakiramdam ko ay natutunaw ako.

Kung hindi dumating si Cristoff, ano na kayang nangyari sa akin ngayon?

Napapikit ako nang mariin. Hindi ko kayang ma-imagine. Dahil doon ay dahan-dahan ko siyang niyakap hanggang sa ang mga yakap kong ‘yon ay tuluyang humigpit.

Naramdaman kong bahagya siyang nagulat sa ginawa ko. Matagal din kami sa gano’ng posisyon. Minsan, pakiramdam ko, sa pagpapanggap ko bilang si Helena ay napapadalas na ang pagiging bipolar ko — to the point na parang hindi ko na kilala ang sarili ko. Parang malayong-malayo na ako sa Athena noon.

That Athena who doesn’t know how to love, because her heart was made of stone. She was black sheep and self-centered.

After a few minutes, Cristoff unwrapped his arms around me and I did the same thing. He looked at me and we looked at each other under the stunning moonlight. For me, his face was the most beautiful scene I saw tonight.

He was so angelic — such a significant thing that ever happened to me. I didn’t know why but I guessed, I was certain that he was really infatuated at me just by sincerely looking at his brown eyes.

“Helena…” hinawakan niya ‘yong mukha ko.

“C-Cristoff…” usal ko.

Unti-unti niyang inilapit ang mukha niya sa akin. At the same time, hindi ko naman alam kung bakit unti-unti na lang akong napapikit at nagpaubaya lang sa kung ano mang gusto niyang gawin.

Hanggang sa naramdaman ko ang mga labi niyang dumampi sa aking mga labi. Nagustuhan ko ang dulot nitong kakaibang init. Hindi ako tumutol, hindi ako tumanggi. We just stayed this way for I guessed, three minutes?

Mamayamaya pa ay naramdaman ko na lamang na mas lumalim pa ang halik niya sa akin at natagpuan ko na lamang ang sarili kong tinutugon ang bawat halik niyang iyon.

_________________________

¹Amor seco (Spanish term for dry love) is a common name for several plants and may refer to:

Alchornea glandulosa — a tree species of the Acalyphoideae.

Bidens pilosa — an annual herb species in the family Asteraceae.

Chrysopogon aciculatus — a grass species.