Chapter 1

Mark's POV

       If ‘confusion’ was human, I'd be the embodiment of it. Pretty sure that at this point, I can say it's my middle name. Why? Well, having a hundred doubts about my sexual orientation after dating a couple of girls- and currently in a relationship with one, I might add, does that to a person. 

     In this scenario, of my raging thoughts and confused mind, I'm seated awkwardly in a dimly lit gay strip club.

I shifted in my seat and rubbed my sweaty right hand against the smooth surface of my pants while scanning my eyes over the whole interior of the club once again. It was a Friday evening and the strip club was buzzing with the energy of young people who came in here to loosen up, hook up, or just have fun.

The pieces of ice in the nearly drained tumbler slightly crinkled against each other as I downed a mouthful of my beer, feeling the cold liquid smoothly slide down my throat in ripples. I was currently sitting beside the bar while every other person was sitting in the arena where the main course of the club was going to be taking place in a few minutes.

I had chosen this particular place out of a thousand other options tonight although it took me a drive of over two hours to arrive here. Why? Well, The probability of anyone knowing who I am finding me in a club that has to do with gay people sent a familiar feeling of dread bubbling in the depths of my stomach.

Or worse, one of my girlfriend’s friends could bump into me in one of the gay clubs around my neighborhood. I can just imagine the shock on their faces, right before the disgust and disdain would surely follow suit.

The thought of what I was planning to end the night with, made me feel disgusted in myself for a fleeting moment— the feeling of disgust has been swimming through my veins since the moment I made up my mind to finally come here, this morning. 

I have a girlfriend for heaven’s sake, a beautiful one at that.

Am I even entitled to use the word ‘heaven’ at the moment? Knowing that I was currently in a place where churches preach against and also vehemently warn their members to steer completely clear of.

Perhaps choosing to come here tonight was a mistake after all.

An image of Sarah’s smiling face chose that moment to pop into my head as if trying to emphasize the fact that my decision to come here tonight, has indeed been a waste of time and a mistake.

I breathed out a harsh puff of breath and threw the rest of my drink into my mouth, a few pieces of ice which were almost completely melted slid in along with the last liquid of my beer. I placed my tumbler on the counter and gestured to the female bartender who had attended to me before for a refill. She nodded her head in understanding and was done in a minute, pushing my tumbler towards me and moving to attend to another person at the far end of the counter in the blink of an eye.

I glared down at my drink, hating how shitty and confused I was currently feeling. I’d have preferred a drink way stronger than a beer at the moment, but I wanted to hopefully end up doing what I had planned to do tonight with a clear head, so as not to blame the influence of the drink.

I picked up the tumbler and placed it back down on the counter almost immediately with a small sigh slipping through my lips. I was the complete opposite of a collected, clear-headed person at the moment and my heart was racing like I was about to jump off a high cliff, into a bed of clear water- not because I wanted to, but because my friends were expecting me to jump off along with them.

The noise in the club went up around me as people cheered and hooted, the music switching to a slower one almost immediately. I did not doubt that the first stripper for the night was making his way to the pole to give his performance for the night. 

The curious part of me that had dragged me in here tonight— that particular part of me that was constantly driving me crazy and making me question myself every day of my life since I was in college- was urging me to turn around in my chair so I could catch a glimpse of the stage, to check if I’d be repulsed by the sight of a male pole dancing.

If only that part of me wasn’t afraid that I might end up liking what I’d end up seeing.

I leaned my head over the counter and ran my fingers through my curls, this was a bad idea.

“It isn’t that hard, buddy.” A voice mused beside me and I snapped my head up in a second and glanced sideways, my eyes locking with a pair of dark eyes in the next moment.

The owner of the voice snickered at my facial expression which I quickly guessed was a startled, guilty one. A scowl replaced my previous facial expression in the next second and to my annoyance and embarrassment, the stranger only quietly chuckled before breaking eye contact and taking a small sip of his drink.

“You looked guilty back there like you were caught in the act of doing something you shouldn’t be doing.” The stranger continued and I blinked confusingly at him, who the hell was this dude?

Yup. Coming here tonight was most definitely a stupid idea.

I turned away from the stranger and scowled down at my drink before picking the tumbler up and chugging a few mouthfuls down. My chest squeezed tight and I puffed out a harsh breath as I placed my drink back on the counter.

“Aw c’mon man, I was just joking.” The stranger whined beside me just as his phone started to vibrate audibly on the bar counter.

“Fuck off, man,” I said without glancing at him and almost facepalmed myself when he burst out laughing quietly.

I was glad the stranger gave up trying to start a conversation with me after that, which left me with my confusing thoughts and a silent argument going on in my head about if I should still proceed with my plans tonight or to get the hell out of the club. 

I ran my fingers through my hair absentmindedly as I sneaked a curious glance at the stranger after another few minutes of me doing nothing but glaring at my half-filled tumbler.

His head was faced down, his hair falling into his face as he tapped away on his phone. His jawline was extremely sharp and I couldn’t deny that I found that intriguing. The caramel brown shirt he had on was stretched out on his broad chest and shoulders, making me wonder who was the broader person between the two of us.

He suddenly glanced up and threw a direct glance into the crowd- a direction which I haven’t been able to convince myself to look in… yet. His gaze was sharp and intense, the teasing glint that was once in his eyes while he was laughing at me was gone, leaving his eyes dark and empty as it quickly scanned over the crowd sharply, before settling on my face- our eyes locking unexpectedly.

I blinked once, the realization that I had been caught watching him registered in my brain immediately, but I refused to look away and instead kept staring at him. He blinked once as well, his hand coming up to push his hair out of his face. A small smile slowly peaked at the edge of his lips before he shook his head and broke eye contact.

“Checking me out already?” He slowly crooned with raised eyebrows which I noticed were not as full as most guys, the small smile still playing at the edge of his lips.

This dude was shamelessly gay and flaunting it right in my face… 

I should be put off, I should be disgusted…

“How about we start all over?” The stranger asked as he placed his phone on the counter and placed his hand- which was large because it completely shielded the whole screen of the phone. 

“I’m Chris, nice to meet you.” He finally introduced himself with a small grin dancing around the edge of his lips. The man- Chris, with slightly raised eyebrows, lifted his right hand towards me to offer a handshake and a quiet ‘You?’ falling out of his lips.

“You don’t need to know.” I supplied him a dismissive reply, choosing to ignore his handshake and instead focused on shooting him a sharp glare when he snorted almost immediately. I still wasn’t over how rude he was to me on the first encounter… making me wish I could punch his face, just to wipe that smug look off his face.

Chris grinned wildly at me, the teasing glint back in his eyes, making the sides of his eyes crinkle, “Oh yeah?” Christ started to say with a small laugh before continuing, “I guess I get where you’re coming from, I am after all only curious about how you look beneath those horrible-looking clothes.”

My eyes widened immediately and I glanced down at myself to be sure, and my black pants and ash shirt were staring me back in the eye, forcing me to admit that he did kind of have a point. My clothes were indeed ugly looking at the moment, and I could honestly do way better than this on a normal day. I was trying my possible best to not stand out throughout my stay at the strip club, hence my dress choice tonight.

I picked up my tumbler and downed the remaining content in one go, my head was starting to slowly spin. Not because of the drink I was having, but the amount of thinking I had done tonight.

“I can help you out tonight.” Chris started again and I hesitated for a few seconds before turning my head around and looking at him questioningly. He grinned once our eyes locked and leaned towards me a little, reducing the distance between us by a few inches.

“With?” 

“I’m guessing you’re still in the closet and still trying to convince yourself that you like girls when in reality, you’re a whore for boys, yeah?” Chris started to say, his gaze never wavering for a second and I blinked once before swallowing quietly, my case was quite complicated than this…

“You guessed wrong. I have a girlfriend.” I mumbled before finally breaking eye contact, returning to glaring at my now empty tumbler.

“Oh? That’s honestly better. Not only are you in the closet, but you’re also having a battle with guilt, very classy, man.” Chris continued and I turned around to shoot him a glare. If this man doesn’t learn to keep some of his thoughts to himself at this point, I was going to end up beating his ass up before the end of tonight.

“I’m not in any stupid closet, I’m not even gay,” I argued vehemently as I returned to glaring at my tumbler. 

“But you want a man, do you not? But you want me.” Annoying Chris continued and I breathed out a sigh before turning around in my seat until I was completely facing him.

“I don’t. You have an extremely shitty personality and I honestly want to punch you in the face so bad.” I informed him honestly and watched as he threw his head back and erupted in laughter for a few long seconds, revealing a long neck with strong-looking veins outlining the throat and disappearing into his shirt.

The moment I caught onto what I was unconsciously doing, I averted my gaze immediately, feeling guilt slowly deep into my brain the way it always does anytime I tried checking to see if I'd find a male attractive.

“That honestly doesn’t have to matter, what would matter is you knowing exactly what you want before agreeing to anything tonight.” Chris continued and I scowled at him. 

“I know exactly what I want, which is completely none of your business.” I snapped out as my eyes narrowed at him in a silent warning— which went right over his head.

“Oh yeah? And what’s that?” Chris mused loudly with raised eyebrows and once again, my eyes took notice of how his brows sat on his face looking all prim and smooth, and almost… Almost sexy.

Yeah, no.

“Someone to test a theory with, that’s all,” I replied absent-mindedly, my eyes slowly wandering around as I finally tried to get a glimpse of the show going on in the arena of the stage. I caught myself at the last moment and puffed out a small, hitched breath before turning my head back around and slowly blinking down at my knees.

I glanced up to find Chris watching me, laughter evident in his eyes as he sized me up, making me scowl back at him, automatically going into defense mode.

“Just take a look, one look wouldn’t hurt.” Chris drawled out knowingly and I felt dumb all of a sudden. How I had unconsciously revealed too much of my emotions on my face at the very beginning that he had been able to read them perfectly off my face was beyond me, and how I was starting to let him get to me when he was most certainly the very least of my problems and extremely annoying to top it all up— was also completely beyond me.

“You’re such a talkative, man,” I mumbled, wishing he’d just shut up for once and allow me to think in peace.

“I just want to suck your cock, that’s why I’m being all over you. Let’s test your dumb theory out.”

“No, I’ll pass.” I threw at him without glancing up, my heartbeat had already sped up at the mention of him sucking my cock and I was trying my hardest to slow it down without giving away the fact that I was indeed intrigued, as well as curious and extremely horny.

“You know you do want my gay arse, stop constantly fighting with your feelings. Like I said earlier today, it really shouldn’t be that hard.” Chris continued with a smug expression and I felt like actually punching the grin off his face.

‘It wasn’t hard’ my ass. Of course, he’d think it’s as simple as he has been implying.

He didn’t know a thing about me, he didn’t know how deep the guilt currently eating up my guts at the moment was, it isn’t as easy as he was making it sound like.

But he was still right… somehow.

I did want to finally know how it would feel to have my lips pressed against another man’s— just to finally know where I stand with myself, and maybe the confusing haze in my head would finally dissolve.

Not because I was suddenly attracted to annoying Chris… that would be disgusting and gayish of me.

“You know what? Fuck you, Chris.” 

“So it’s a yes?” He perked up immediately while the small grin playing across his lips some seconds ago widened— a grin which boldly screamed ‘I knew you were going to end up giving in.

“Just… fuck you.”