CHAPTER 03. DREAM BIG.

SHELLY.

“Do you mind??“ The aggressive baritone roughly jolted me back to reality.

“Huh?“ I uttered dazely, and followed his gesturing with my eyes. Turns out he wanted to wind the windows up.

Tears were beginning to spill from my eyes and when I looked up at Megan, she was sitting properly now. Though she looked really jittery and was determined to avoid my gaze.

The shame in her eyes was as clear as day as she kept trying to cover up her body with the torn blouse.

My heavy heart triggered down more tears I couldn't control. I was finding it a lot difficult to comprehend and accept the situation.

My gaze was on the guy again and he had this smug smirk on his face. The laughter in his eyes was really obvious and a typical 'me' would have given him a hard punch to the face.

But it seemed I'd lost my courage. Something about seeing Megan in this pathetic situation made me really weak and vulnerable at the moment.

And like a defeated soul, I sluggishly ducked out my head from the window.

I watched him wind up the glass as I took unsteady steps backward.

I tried steadying my steps but my knees felt really wobbly and my body wasn't any better.

I think that's what happens when reality hits you brutally, giving you  no heads-up.

My vision was clouded with tears and I could barely fathom where I was headed but I just didn't wanna remain at that scene any longer.

“Shelly..“ A voice echoed in my head and I staggered to a stop and turned around.

The SUV hadn't driven off from the spot and standing in front of me was Megan.

We both stared at each other for what felt like aeons but deep down, I could barely hold myself much longer.

She owes me some explanations and I need to hear them, even if they end up crushing me even more.

“You didn't see anything.“ Megan finally spewed some words out, and turned around to leave.

I scoffed really loud that she had to pause on her tracks. “Seriously? That's all you've got to say to me?“ 

The hurt was evident in my voice and in my clenched fists.

She turned around looking really unabashed and stoic like nothing really happened. Like I really didn't see anything.

The shame I'd seen a while ago in her was gone. Right now, she was back to wearing her usual hard looks.

Damn you, Megan! Over and over again!

“Let's not create any scenes here. Let's not say stuffs we're gonna regret either. I'm asking you to be matured and just walk away, like you saw nothing.“

I shook my head defiantly. “I can't do that because I'm dead-sure of what i just saw. That jerk was on top of you and you looked like an injured lamb beneath him. Damn. Can't believe I compared you to a lamb instead of the tigress you pretend to be!“ 

“Fine. Spill it all out but that's gonna make you feel even more bitter.“ she shrugged nonchalantly.

“You're unbelievable!“ I flared up, letting the basin fall to the ground and moving steps closer to her. “I just watched you being humiliated and you're not even gonna give me some explanations?“

“I've got no explanations...“

“I've been treated poorly by you for as long as I can remember. You put up this toughness which drives me insane and sends goosebumps down my skin. I never imagined that all these time,  you were just a wet, weak lamb and the tigress appreance was just a costume. You repulse me, Megan. You bloody repulse me!“

For a second there, I thought I saw a flicker of rage but my eyes were shut the next second at the impact of the hard slap on my cheek.

“You're one big, ungrateful wench, Shelly!“ Megan's yell maniacally pierced my eardrums. “I've been feeding your ass since ages, suddenly now I'm repulsive?“

“If I had known this was your source of feeding my ass, I would have slammed all those foods to your face!“ I made the disgust clear in my tone as I backfired. “You sell your dignity and pride to some bastard rich folk and you think I'm the one bringing shame to the family? You're unbelievable!“

The shocked look on her face,  followed by the tears that fell made me realize I'd hit a hard spot with my words. But I wasn't in any bit apologetic.

“I'm not gonna do this with you.“ she shook her head in retreat but I wasn't ready to let her off the hook yet.

“Yes, you will. I've had it up to my neck for so long. I'm sick and  bloody tired of keeping it in!“

She gave a humorless laugh, rubbing her temples. “You really want some explanations? I'll give them to you. This is who I am. This is what I had to become because life didn't give me anything better. But I'm not ashamed of it. At the very least, I'm doing something to survive. What are you doing to survive?“

My words choked in my throat as I sort out the right reply to give her question.

“Oh...I know!", she let out another humorless laugh. “You're keeping your pride and dignity intact, dreaming of a world that's never gonna exist.“

“At least I've got my pride and dignity, something you lost a long time ago.“

“I lost them trying to provide for your damned needs and that of Mum and Vivian. I'll gladly loose them again if I have to. You've got your dignity intact but what has it ever provided you? Nothing!“ She yelled in my face, poking my chest with her finger. “And just so you know, you managed to keep that dignity intact because I was providing for you. If you had to fend on your own, you would have lost it a long time ago.“

My teeth clenched real hard in anger and disgust. “I'm nothing like you, Megan. And I'll always keep my dignity intact no matter how hard life gets.“

“Really?“ she scoffed out a laugh. “I would love to see you do it. You've never personally received a rich folk's brutality and I think it's about time you do. Stop living under my shadows and go live amongst the rich folks. When you return unabashed and unbroken, then I'm gonna admit loosing my dignity was wrong.“

I was rendered miserably speechless by Megan's challenge.  My heart beat raced greatly in sudden fear and doubts.

“I never thought I'd say this but I wish you get picked into 'Greygott high'. Then I'm gonna patiently wait for when you'll crawl back home in tears and I'll get the pleasure to say I TOLD YOU SO.“

My heart knotted at her words, and it only triggered down more tears from my eyes.

“What you saw back there is the only way we can coexist with the rich folks. They'll be on top of us and we're gonna be below,  gasping for air. That's our fate!“

“This isn't my fate, so I refuse to accept it.“ I replied flatly, emphasizing on every word. “You shouldn't have accepted it either. I always thought you were a fighter but you gave up too soon.“

“Why engage in a fight you're gonna loose in the end? It's much better if we all accept our fate and stay put in our world.

If you keep stalling in accepting your fate, the after-effect will be worse when you finally accept it. Take it as an advice from an older sister who doesn't wanna see you really broken at the end.“ She turned around to leave but faced me again after hesitating for seconds. 

“And before you judge me, I just want you to know I tried really hard not to turn into this. I really tried my hardest.“

My breath hitched at her heartrending confession.

Tears were beginning to glisten in her eyes but she quickly walked away before they could spill.

She got into the SUV and they drove off, leaving me to my thoughts and tears.

Dejectedly, I picked up my basin and continued my lonely journey on the pathway.

I tried keeping my emotions and tears in check but my heart could only contain so little.

Finally, I squatted down and tightly hugged my knees, wailing my hearts out for what seemed like an hour or so.

*

*

It was already dark in the night when I finally got home.

I pushed the wooden door open and slowly walked in but paused at the sight of Mum pacing around worriedly.

“Aunt Shelly!“ Vivian's tiny voice squealed as she ran to me. Her hands went around my waist in a hug.

I forced out a smile and ran my hand through her hair. “Still awake?“

“I couldn't sleep. I was so worried about you.“ She let go of my waist and looked up at me sadly. “Even Grandma wouldn't stop pacing around.“

I glanced at my Mum and I saw she was already crying as she watched Vivian and I.

“Urh..Vivian, how about I tuck you in for the night and sing you to sleep?“

“Yippee!“ She squealed excitedly. “I love you, aunt Shelly.“

“Love you too, baby. So why don't you go wait in your room and I'll be there shortly?“

I managed one more smile and she nodded and headed to her room.

“Where have you been?“ Mum asked instantly. “Why did you return so late? Do you know how much I'd cried thinking you've been hurt? Why did you have to put me through so much agony?!“

She fired fussilades of questions, but I said no words and tried maintaining a stern look.

For as long as I could remember, lying to my Mum was one thing I found really difficult doing.

She's been through a lot of hardships and tears. I've always reminded myself that she deserves my honesty and nothing less.

But tonight was one of those awful days when I'm left with no choice but to lie to her.

I couldn't come clean to her about Megan and her slutty acts. She's gonna freak out for sure if she hears it.

I'd spent hours on the pathway trying to perfect my lies.

But the hours of practice did no good to me, obviously. I was already trembling and itching to spill everything to her.

But I can't. I can't lie to her either, so I'm just gonna avoid the situation.

“I'm sorry.“  That was the best reply I could come up with.

To my surprise, she didn't persist, but just let out a relieved sigh. “Dinner's ready. Let's eat.“

The mere thought of food made me remember that awful scene of Megan and the jerk.

Being enlightened now on what the source of these foods were created this rumbling in my stomach and disgust in my throat.

“I'm not hungry. Goodnight.“ I added quickly and walked away before she tries stopping me.

Vivian was already stretched out on the wooden bed but quickly adjusted for me the second I walked into the room.

I tried to get rid of the forlorn look on my face and wear a smile as I joined her on the bed.

“Are you alright?“

I smiled and nodded. “Yeah. I'm good.“

“Grandma was really worried about you, even Mum was. That's why she'd called to know if you'd gotten home already.“

I shot her a look. “Your Mum called to check up on me?“

“Yeah. She called the house line and had asked GrandMa if you were home already.“

Of course she was worried that I might reveal her dirty little secret. Typical Megan.

“Even though Mum acts really cold towards you, I know she still cares about you.“ A frown crept up her face. “I just hate that she doesn't want you to follow your dreams.“

I was greatly startled at her words. “How did you...“ I trialed off, and quickly sat up on the bed. “You eavesdropped on our conversation last night?“

She nodded and sat up as well. “I'm really sorry. Mum was being way too loud. I couldn't help but listen.“

“Did you listen to everything?“

“Yeah. Mum had said we're gonna die poor. I had nightmares because of that.“ she shuddered frighteningly.

I felt bad for the little girl and pulled her into my arms, rubbing her back soothingly.

Even she was having her own share of sadness and horror, courtesy of living this hard life.

We were both silent for minutes and I thought she'd fallen asleep in my arms.

But then she spoke up again. “I don't wanna die this way.“ her voice quivered. “I still haven't eaten those chocolates and candies I see in movies.“

I was forced to laugh at her words, but it was a sad one. “Really?“

She nodded enthusiastically. “Aunt Shelly, if you fulfill your dreams, will I get to eat all the chocolate I wish to?“

“Sure, baby.“ A tear escaped from my eye amidst my smiles. “You'll get to eat as much chocolate as you wish.“

“Will I also get to see those big houses and visit the amusement park?“

“Sure. You'll get to do anything you want to do without being questioned about your background.“

“Then I'm gonna keep praying that you fulfill your dreams.“ she snuggled up my arms and looked up at me. She was crying.

“I'll never forget to pray, I promise.“ She raised her hand as if taking an oath.

Watching her broke my heart into tiny, little pieces and I just let the tears flow as much as they wanted.

“Your Mum thinks my dreams are stupid. She said I'm gonna end up broken if I ever get to stay with the rich folks.“

“That's not true.“ she shook her head vigorously. “You're stronger than those monsters so I know you'll knock them out in a breath.“

'Monsters.' The word echoed in my head and I couldn't help but admit it was the perfect way to describe those rich folks.

Her tiny hands grabbed mine and she smiled at me. “You have to change the world, Aunt Shelly. Do it for me and Grandma and Mum.“

“Your Mum doesn't care if I get to change the world or not.“

“Of course, she does. I know Mum says a lot of bad things. But I also know she'll be happy if you  fulfill your dreams and free all of us from this hell.“

“How do you speak so maturely when you're just five years old, Vivian?“ I couldn't help but be greatly astonished by her words.

“I think that happens when you spend a lot of time with adults  just like I do.“ she shrugged.

“Guess so.“ I mumbled with a nod.

“But you have to fulfill your dreams, alright? I'll be rooting for you.“

I nodded and placed a kiss on her forehead. Tugging a hair strand to the back of her ear, I said. “I hate to admit but you're my only ally here at home.“

“Am I not enough?“

“Of course you are, baby.“ I chuckled. “You just gave me all the courage I needed.“

“Does that mean I get to hear the 'dream-big' song again?“

"Sure". I laughed and watched with amusement as she quickly laid on the bed.

I laid beside her and ran my fingers on her face, as I slowly sang the song she'd requested for.

When you cry, be sure to dry your eyes,

Cause better days are sure to come.

And when you smile, be sure to smile wide,

And don't let them know that they have won.

And when you walk, walk with pride,

And don't show the hurt inside, 

Because the pain will soon be gone.

And when you dream, dream big,

As big as the ocean, blue.

Cause when you dream it might come true.

For when you dream, dream big.

“Aunt Shelly.“ Her sleepy voice  called. “Am I allowed to dream big too?“

“Of course you are. Dream as big as you wish. Today, tomorrow and always.“

“Goodnight, Aunt Shelly.“ Then her soft snoring sounds followed.

Staring at her as she slept so peacefully left me wondering if she was a product of Megan's awful job.

The thought that one of those rich jerks might have been Vivian's dad made me wanna curse out loud.

Even in her sleep, tears still made their way down her eyes and I had to wipe them off with my thumb.

My dreams has always been my dreams. But now, it has grown to be a mission, something I had to do. So many things were at stake now.

Vivian's counting on me because she's having a hard time coping in our world.

Mum gets skinnier by the day and she hardly smiles now.

Megan had challenged me earlier that I would end up really shattered and broken if I mingled with the rich folks.

Thinking about those words ever since she'd said them made me really curious to know if she was telling the truth.

Would I really grow shattered and broken if I mingle with those jerks?

So many thoughts ran through my head, so many decisions I had to make.

But one thing's for sure. I can't keep staying in this house if I had any plans of keeping the truth about Megan from Mum.

I fear I might not be able to keep it in any longer, thereby creating a big disaster.

I had to leave, find my own path.

Just like Megan had said. It's about time I stopped living in her shadows and try surviving on my own.

I'm not sure if I'm gonna be picked into Greygott high. I have to find another reason to leave, just in case I finally don't get picked.

It was a tough decision but one I had to make.

*

Long moments of engrossingly staring at Vivian made me unaware that I was crying.

I felt the coldness on my face and I quickly wiped it off.

Slowly, I took her tiny hands into mine, and placed a long kiss on the back of her hands.

“Thank you for being here, Vivian. You're my muse, and my greatest ally now. I really hope I get to make you proud someday.“

I heard faint footsteps and quickly closed my eyes, letting out fake snores.

Even with my eyes closed, I could still feel Mum's presence. I snuggled my pillows, ready to sleep off.