Rejecting Fate

                                                           -Aure-

Central Washington University. This was the college that I was meant to go to. Was it the best college or worst? To be honest, I wasn’t sure. I didn’t care. Although the place looked positively expensive. Then again, what college or university didn’t?

None of that mattered to me, truth be told. I no longer even wanted to attend any university. Not since dad. Nevertheless, this wasn’t just about what I wanted. It was about starting over. Me and mom.

I was trying to be as agreeable as I possibly could. After all, I wasn’t the only one that was grieving. I wasn’t the only one who had to readjust to life. I just wanted to be agreeable. For mom. But….it wasn’t easy.

My stomach churned with anxiety I got this nagging sense; a sense of something almost calling to me. I was feeling retraction and attraction to that building at the same time. Frustrating? the word didn’t cover how I was feeling.

‘He’s here…’

Now I was talking to myself, hallucinating random words. He’s here? What does that even mean? And who is he to begin with? This day was starting off overwhelming. I wasn’t looking forward to the rest of it.

“Honey?”

Mom’s voice ringing through my ear reminded me that I wasn’t alone. I turned to her, thankful to be temporarily distracted from my intrusive thoughts.

The only thing that I could offer at the moment was a smile though, one that wasn’t good enough, apparently, to alleviate my mom’s concern.

“Sweetie, area you sure that you’re okay? You know, you don’t have to start today. We could just go home and try again tomorrow. I know this can be overwhelming. Starting over like this and-”

“Mom, I’ll be fine. I’d rather get this first day thing over with anyway.”

She nodded at me with a small smile, one racked with concern.

‘He’s here!’ that voice sprouted once more, this time louder than the last.

I was looking dead in my mother’s mouth, and she hardly parted her lips. It had to be me. I was losing it.

Still I ask, “Did you say something?”

“I asked if you wanted to try this again tomorrow, you said no.” I realized then, as her brow furrowed worry. “Honey, you’re not looking so good. Maybe we should-”

“Mom, I…I’m fine. We can’t put this off forever.”

‘We have to go to him! We cannot wait!’

“Go to who? What are you talking about?” I hissed frustratedly before I could think better of it, only garnering more weariness from mom.

“Honey, I didn’t say anything about anyone. What is going on with you?” She segued into further conversation but by this point, I was too worried about what I was hearing to actually pay attention to it.

It was hard to reciprocate this conversation when I had this voice saying nonsensical things in my mind already.

“Honey, are you listening to me?”

I sighed, “Yes, mom, I am,” I lied. “There’s just a lot on my mind.”

“Just another reason that you should start fresh tomorrow.”

“It won’t help. I’ll just go home, all the while dreading having to do it all again the next day,” I told her as I continued to look out of the window. “It’s just first day jitters. I’ll be fine, mom.”

When I finally met her stare again, I put on the bravest face I could muster. Then, knowing that she would not just simply leave it at that, I quickly changed the subject to something just as important as my wellbeing.                                

Hers.

“Are you okay?” I asked her.

We’d only lost dad merely five months ago. The wound of his death was still fresh. Where I had to mourn him as a father, mom had to mourn him as a husband and best friend. He was everything to her. And his death was almost too much to bear.

It was too hard to stay in Oregon after losing him. In that house. Mom wanted to move, and to be honest, I didn’t hate the idea. In fact, as far as I was concerned, we should have moved farther away than what he had. I was curious as to why mom had decided to move to Washington. Sure, it was close to Oregon, but so was Idaho, or Nevada. Maybe, it was just a choice, but my gut feeling told me that it wasn’t. There was a connection to this place for my mother, one that she obviously wasn’t ready to share.

“This is a new start.” She took a deep breath.

“It is.” I agreed, passing a fleetingly nervous glance back at the University before quickly trying to reverse my attention to my mother. “For both of us.”

“Yes, so we make the best of it. Right?”

“Yeah, we make the best of it.”

“I love you.”

“I love you too.”

After a long goodbye, mom and I parted ways. I stood there and watched her small sedan pull off into the distance.

When her car finally disappeared, I stayed there a moment longer, soaking in the realization that sooner than later, I’d be officially stepping into another life.

“Maybe, I’ll run into when I go in,” I chuckled uneasily to myself. I was trying my hardest not to put too much stock into the fact that I had suddenly started hearing voices.

‘We will!’’ said the voice.

I exhaled and started walking stressfully forward. “This is not real. You-voice, are not real…Or…well, maybe you are but you’re just me, and…”

‘Mate!’

I just knew that someone else heard that voice! But when I looked around, there was no evidence of it. I had begun to gather a few stares my way, however, as I was starting to look hella paranoid.

“Chill, Aure, just chill.” I walked forward and made my way toward the school.

When I pushed open the doors and stepped foot across the threshold, an odd occurrence happened.

I should have been overwhelmed and the knots in my stomach should have gotten worse. They didn’t.

Those knots turned into butterflies.

I felt…okay. And the feeling was so…sudden, that there was no way that it could be considered natural.

“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth, Aure,” I murmured to myself. It was a good thing that my anxiety had temporarily subsided.

Still though, I couldn’t help but question it.

‘He’s here…mate!’ That voice screamed in my head.

It was so loud and yet silent; it made me dizzy. I stopped immediately, holding my hand to my forehead, in hopes that maybe it would settle my discombobulated mind.

“What’s that smell?” I murmured as I started to get a whiff of something. The scent was extremely powerful, but not in bad way. “What is going on with you today?” I stressfully asked myself as if I would know the answer.

I took another troubled step forward and immediately was met with a brick wall. “Ow!” I stumbled back and reached out reflexively. Oh…oh, not a brick wall at all.

“Hey!” he exclaimed deeply, his arm wrapped around me to, I assume, assure my safety. “You should really…” his words slowed down. “Watch…where…you’re going.”

Why was he talking like that? And more importantly…why was he staring at me that way? The most important question, however, was why did I feel like I knew this guy?

None of these questions, I knew the answer to. What I did know, was that there was something about this guy, that couldn’t shake. Something about him that made me feel whole even in just laying eyes on him in that moment.

Then in a guttural growl, I heard that voice again! Louder than I had ever heard before….

‘Mate!’