chapter 3

Hearing nothing but the cricket chirping outside and my husband snores, I can't sleep. Thinking back to the recent events that occured once my husband got home. After our romp in the kitchen earlier, I cleaned myself up in the bath room while Kenny helped himself to a serving of the meal I made. When I return to the kitchen, I cleaned up our mess and fixed myself a small plate of food. I didn't want to eat more than what a woman should. As Kenny likes to say, I do often. I then join Kenny in the living room as he watched television and ate his food. I curled up next to him as I ate, and he puts his arm around.

A cycle we've continued for years before we got married. As I sat in his arms, hardly paying attention to the screen, all I can focus on is my husband. Some days it feel surreal that I call him that and others…. I wondered if I stop. Not wanting to think negative, I reflect back on our early married days. Where we couldn't stop calling one another husband and wife, smiles forever taking place on our faces. A warm feeling began to spread through my body as the memories of us consumed me. My first and last love. My first and last love. Smiling slightly, I snuggled up closer to him, inhaling the Axe cologne he put on this morning. Thruthfull, it wasn't the best cologne, but Kenny was too stubborn to use another. Especially after years of me buying him new ones to try each holiday. But as his wife, I loved him no matter what he wore.

We watched tv before we decided to call it a night and went to shower. Kenny insisted we shower together and being his dutiful wife I agreed.

This ended up with Kenny taking me against the shower wall, and coming inside my womb. Afterward, the night ended with us making love in our bedroom again and again. Not once taking a breather he fell asleep. Even now, as he snores, he remains inside.

I was beginning to get quite hot with my husband's body surrendering me. He held me snugly in his arms as he slept. It was already nearly one in the morning and I had yet to close my eyes. I wanted to that he was in a deep slumber before I got up. I slowly began to shimmy my way out of his embrace, slowly easing him out of my bottom half. Once I managed that feat, Kenny rolled over to his side, snoring louder than before. I took that as my queue to slowly, yet quickly get out of our king-size bed.

Tiptoeing around the room I made my way to the door and closed it once I stepped out. I breathed a sigh of relief and walked my way to the bathroom down the hall. I flicked on the light inside, shut the door, and looked into the mirror.

Admittedly, my usual light brown eyes look dull and bleak. My full lips had a permanent frown and signs of wrinkles were appearing on my face. I looked older for a twenty-nine years old. Glancing down at my collarbone and arms. It was clear to anyone with eyes that I was skinny. I was losing weight steadily, and my collar bone was beginning to just out more. As I looked at my reflection, I couldn't help but be upset with how I look. I didn't feel desirable anymore….. Nor did I look it. No wonder he-

No. I'm not going to think about the past.

Choosing not to hinder my self-esteem more I opened the cabinet mirror I was looking into. I scanned the shelves full of medicine before I found what I was looking for. Hidden in an orange container called fluoxetine, I opened the container and took two small tablets. I didn't spare a second to ponder my decision before swallowing the pills dry. Like usual,guite began to seep into my mind as I placed the container back into its rightful spot. Even the fear of Kenny finding out that I've been lying to him every night tries to consume me.

I was taking away a gift my husband wanted. A gift he has always wanted from me. Here I am, defying my loving husband. Knowing if Kenny knew I have been taking contraception pills in secret. He'd kill me.

"I think we should schedule a visit with a fertility specialist." Pausing from sweeping the floor I looked up at Kenny. He sat at the dinner table with a finished plate of his morning breakfast. Sipping casually from his coffee while my heart beat faster in panic. I took a deep breath to calm my nerves before asking him why. We've been trying to have a baby for months, Rose there must be something wrong if you aren't getting pregnant.

"Maybe we should take a break-" I jumped as he slammed a hand against the table.

"I don't want a damn break!" He shouted in anger. I stood frozen waiting for what he would say next. He let out an irritated sigh as his hand shook. He glanced at me and then took a deep breath to calm himself down.

"I want a baby- our baby, Rose." He whispered the end in sadness. The feeling of guilt swirled in the pit of my stomach. I sat the broom down against the wall and then cautiously walked towards Kenny. I gently placed one hand on his shoulder as I leaned down to kiss his cheek.

"I know, ken.-I-I want our baby too." The word felt like acid in my mouth.

"I only suggested a break because we keep getting disappointed. I'm tired of taking pregnancy tests and it comes back negative. And as much as I love making love, my body can't handle too much of it." I spoke in a quiet tone as I watched his facial expression go from mad to upset.

"That's why we could consult with a professional. So we don't have to go through this and they can tell us what's wrong." He fought against my previous words and I ranked my brain to convince him otherwise.

"I don't want to right now. I don't want to be with bad news back to back.

Please my love let's take a break.

Two months of use not worrying about conceiving. Please, that's all I ask." I damn near begged him. Hopefully, by then I can come up with a better excuse. I stood in silence as my husband thought about what I said. The gears in his mind spun. I know it's horrible for me to hide and lie about something this important. I truly felt like a horror human being, but despite who I felt, I had a valid reason. Or at least that's what I like to tell myself from time to time.

"One-"

I gasped, Kenny-" The sight of his glare turning to me gulp as any protest I had instantly died.

"One month, "he continued where he left off, "And then we approached the conversation again. We will be seeing that doctor, Rita. And you willbe carrying our baby soon enough. "I nodded in agreement .

"Ok." Decided the conversation was over I went to resume sweeping the floor. As I pulled my hand away from his shoulder, he latched onto my arm. I gasped as he pulled me back to his face. He had a look on his face that I knew all too well causing me to roll my eyes. Luckily, he did not see. I bent down to undo his uniform belt and glanced at the clock. He had at least thirty minutes before he had to be out the door. After I undid his belt and unzipped his pants. I began to get on my knees. Kenny shook his head as I stared at him confused.

"Sit on it." He told me, and seeing the confused look still on my face he spoke again. "Pull down your panties and sit on my dick."

"But I thought you said-"

"One month, Rose. Starting tomorrow. Today, I want you to sit on my dick so I can fuck you. Do you want a one month break or not?" Resigned at my fate I did as he said by lifting up my nightgown and pulling down my panties. I glanced at his hard, glistening tool that shone with precum just as he pushed his chair back a bit. I put one leg over him and straddled his body on the chair. Once settled, I reached between us and stroked his length before sheathing it inside me.

I made sure to put in him slowly so as not to experience discomfort. Although I still did seeing as I was hardly slick enough even to have sex. He didn't mind. As fully impaled myself, on his short length, Kenny let out a satisfying moan of his own. I slowly began moving up and down, settling our lovemaking pace and tone. For a while, Kenny let me take control as I fake small moan from my lips. That was, until Kenny decided what I was giving wasn't enough. He quickly took a hold of my hips to keep me still before shifting himself into a position where he could freely thrust. As he readied himself to move, I thought of myself living somewhere. On the beach, maybe with the sound of waves crashing against one another.

So calming and peaceful. The complete opposite of what was happening now. I could feel every bounce of my body as Kenny thrust inside of it. Hear every grunt and curse escape my husband's lips as he sought out his pleasure. I, on the other hand, to let my mind get clouded as I dream of a new life. Once where there were no expectations of me. Where there weren't secrets, insecurities, lies, or even love. Because all these feelings have a way of tying a person down. Tying me down as if to drown me.