Chapter 4

It's been weeks since Kenny and I decided to hold off on having a baby. There hasn't been any sex between us and my body has been given a much needed -break. So far Kenny has stuck to his promise and I've been having trouble trying not to feel terrible. Not only am I anxious and stressed that he might find out the truth, but I'm so scared as to what will happen after this month is up. Maybe I'll come to the decision that I do want to have a child with Kenny. I mean what else is there for me to do?

Life has continued as if we have never tried to conceive in the first place. Kenny is off to work at the police station and I regularly take on other clients. My occupation has been like my art in a way.

A way for me to escape my home life as it's been less stressful. Many times I have wanted to stay at work longer to help my clients through their lives. However, I have to be the wife Kenny deserved which didn't include working late nights. I had to work hard, come home before he did to clean, cook a homemade meal, and satisfy him before bed. My days never switched up, it was always the same cycle. I know nothing else. Somethings I wonder how I'm capable of helping people deal with their problems when I can't solve my own. And yet, I'll stop….hopefully.

At one point our marriage wasn't as estranged as it is now. We were hopelessly in love with one another which hasn't exactly changed. Yet I can't help but feel disconnected. Somewhere I went wrong and haven't been able to fix whatever happened. I mean yes, lying about wanting a baby is awful. But that's not where it began. I still love my husband dearly and would do anything for him but some part of me is rejecting the idea of having his child.

A sigh escaped my lips as I pondered on my thoughts. I was supposed to be relaxing, not thinking of things that I shouldn't. I thought soaking in a hot bath would ease my mind, but it hasn't done much. Not only did it fail in distracting me, but unknowingly the water had begun to turn cold. Sitting up from my laid-back position I used one of my hands to lift the drain so I could get rid of some water. It was a Friday afternoon and I was off while Kenny was called in to work a shift. He usually has off on Fridays as well as I do, but according to his chief, they were swamped. I thought we could have, I say to ourselves, but Kenny insisted that we needed more money. I couldn't complain much as I enjoyed time to myself, however, I forgot that whenever I'm alone, my thoughts become depressing.

Seeing that the water was at a low level, I pulled up the drain and used my hand to turn up the knob for hot water. On the right side of the tub, I grabbed a bottle of Shea oil and poured a little into the tub. I loved the smell of it and how smooth it made my rich skin feel. I poured a tiny bit into my hand before placing it back where it was. Using both hands, I rubbed the oil together and carefully began to oil my neck. Smoothing the oil on my skin being attentive so as to not put any on my shoulder-length locs. Another sigh escaped from me as I slowly rubbed some tension away. I didn't want to think about anything else anymore, I just wanted to relax. It would have felt better if there were larger and calloused hands giving me a massage.

I lowered my hands to my shoulders as I closed my eyes. Envisioning things that I shouldn't. Couldn't, but my mind did not want to stop. The presence of a man behind my back as I sat in the tub, my head falling back against his imaginary shoulder. Getting rid of my worries by gently rubbing my shoulders eventually lowering his hands to my collarbone. Then onto my breast before palming my dark nipples. A quiet moan escaped me as my hands followed what the man did in my mind. It wasn't difficult for me to get turned on envisioning my fantasy. After going so long without feeling pleasure, I sometimes feel more lustful. I know it's wrong to dream or even think of a mystery man instead of my husband, but some days it couldn't be helped. It wasn't that I dreamt of being with anyone else, but Kenny hasn't recently been giving me what my body craved. Trying not to feel ashamed as I felt my pleasure build-up due to being over-sensitive when it comes to my nipples. I continued to please myself until the water ran cold.

I placed a plate of hot food and a bottle of wine on the table before calling Kenny to come down to eat. The sound of his heavy footsteps reached my ear as I dabbled in the kitchen. Cleaning up my mess and then getting my own plate ready. A plate of food that was specifically less than Kenny of course. Just as I settled I brought my plate to the dining table and sat across from him.

"No beer?" He questioned, and I shook my head.

"No, we ran out yesterday and I forgot to get some," I told him to which he just grunted. I watched him take the first bite of his food before I took my own. In a weird way. I wanted to see if he enjoyed it. To my disappointment, he didn't comment on the food and we sat in silence. Him sipping his wine between bites of his food while I felt my mood dampen. Although I wasn't finished with my food, once I saw he was done with his I got up. I took his and my plate to the kitchen. I threw the scrap of food I had on my plate in the trash and began doing the dishes. There wasn't much to think about how Kenny was acting. He was a bit quiet, well he's been quiet all week. I wasn't afraid of him or anything, just worried. Nowadays I couldn't read him or know what he was going to do. How does a woman not know her husband?

"Rose" snapping out of my thoughts I jolted. I put the clean dishes away and made my way to the dining table. Kenny had yet to move and was looking at his phone.

"Yes?" I answered.

"I want to take us out to eat tomorrow morning." He said, and I was a bit shocked. Though I try to hide it. We haven't eaten out in god knows how long. He continuing he spoke. "A coworker told me of some sort of cafe down by your job. He said they have great food and service."

"That's nice. I would love to get breakfast-"

He stood up, "great. I'm tired. Let's

go to bed." I nodded, albeit excitedly, and followed him upstairs. Things are starting to change, I guess. I wondered what the place was called. Although it's near my job, I haven't really gone anywhere outside of our home. We had stopped going out a long time ago, but Kenny suggested something different tomorrow. I can't help but feel a little happy. Shoot, I have no idea of what to wear tomorrow. Maybe I should dress differently and spice things up.

Yeah, something different.