SIX

Autumn’s POV

I MOVED MY HEAD, TRYING TO NESTLE AGAINST THE PILLOW. It wasn’t as soft and fluffy as it usually was. Actually, it was hard, rigid even. My eyelids felt like they were glued but I forced them to open and that was when I realized I wasn't on my bed. I was on the sofa of Lenox Hill Hospital’s waiting room and what I thought was my pillow was Frazier’s thighs. I grabbed the back of the sofa and pulled myself up into a sitting position.

“Good morning.” He gave me a small smile as if it was perfectly normal for me to sleep on his lap and for him to greet me when I woke up in the morning. “I’ve bought a coffee and a croissant.”

“I’ve eaten croissants last night,” my brain answered automatically, never failing to remember when it came to foods.

“I know. Last night was raspberry, today it’s peach.” Frazier pulled out the croissant from the paperback and undid the wrapping. He handed it to me before reaching out for a tissue and the styrofoam cup. “Bon appétit!”

“I need to go to the washroom first.” I put the croissant on top of the tissue next to me and stood. I grabbed a small towel and a toothbrush from the small bag that Tyler had brought last night.

This suddenly felt too much, too personal, too fast. He wasn’t the quiet and distant person he had been last night. He was different, he reminded me of himself nearly six years ago. Caring. Sweet. Thoughtful. Then there was this glint in his gray eyes. Pity and guilt were topping each other off there, making me wonder what was on his mind.

I washed my face and brushed my teeth. I went back to find him still sitting on the sofa, drinking his Americano from the styrofoam cup. His face looked troubled but he didn’t say anything. He remained quiet while I had my breakfast. By the time I had finished, he had quietly taken the wrapping and my styrofoam cup and then tossed them in the nearby bin.

The doctor and nurse came soon after, telling us that Sev was better and normal now and we could take him home. I was so happy that instinctively I threw my arms around Frazier and sobbed in his arms. His hands wrapped around me and he held me tighter. I could swear I felt him kissing the top of my head yet when I looked up, his eyes showed nothing.

I was holding Sev in my arm in front of the administration desk when Frazier finally reopened his mouth.

“I can hold him.”

That was all he’d said but I felt like I was hit by a storm. It literally took everything in me not to cry and have a breakdown right there in front of the administration staff. I let him take Sev from my arm and draped my baby on his body. Sev’s head was resting on Frazier’s right shoulder. Sev stirred a bit in his sleep, his small hand grabbed Frazier’s sleeve and held it tight. It was his habit to give him some assurance that he wasn’t alone. He usually grabbed my shirt or placed his palm on my left chest when he fell asleep in my arms. Another chip to my heart watching Sev and his father finally had skin-to-skin contact.

It reminded me of that time when Sev was born. The nurse had put him on top of my bare chest after they dried him and left him there for at least an hour. I had been crying there and my mom had been holding my hand tightly, giving me all the support and comfort she could offer.

If there was one person in the whole world that could understand all the pain going into labor, it was your mom when she’d had you.

Sev nustled closer in the crook of Frazier’s neck as I signed the paper and settled the insurance with the administration. “Do you want me to hold him while you take the car?” I asked Frazier once we were done with the paperwork and was good to leave.

“You’ve been sleeping there the whole night,” his head nudged back towards the hallway where we came from. “I can hold him. Anyway, I used the valet. They’ll bring the car around.”

I nodded, nervously fidgeting with my fingers as we waited in the hospital lobby for the valet to bring his car.

“What’s his name?” Frazier suddenly asked.

I blinked. Once. Twice. I still wasn’t entirely sure of what I’d just heard. “What?”

“Your baby.” He nustled his nose on Sev’s hair and I tightened my fist not to lose grip of my emotions.

“I named him after dad,” I answered which was not a lie. Severus’ middle name was my dad’s first name. I always wanted my kids to have my parents’ names as their middle names. “It’s Thornton.”

Frazier’s brow arched perfectly on his forehead and I started mumbling my way under his gaze. “I can’t call him Thornton for the life of me though. It’s just a bit weird so we settled with Tony or Tone. My dad called him little Thorny.” I smiled as my mind took me back to the last Christmas I had spent in Washington with my family and friends.

His lips twitched and I knew he was going to throw a joke or two. How did I know? I had no clue. I just did. Sure enough, Frazier jokingly said, “You can always call him Thor.”

I shook my head and then rolled my eyes. “You and your love for the god of thunder.”

He looked like he was about to say something but the valet guy called him, informing him that his car had arrived. The valet opened the door for me and I got inside. Once I’d settled in, Frazier placed Sev on my lap. Slowly and carefully as if he was afraid he would wake him up.

I keyed in my address into the GPS and we drove in silence with the music playing Maroon 5’s songs from the Songs About Jane album playing in the background.

We found a parking space in the basement of the apartment building in the Manhattan area and he got out of the car. I watched Frazier walking over the hood to my side and opening the door for me. To my surprise, he grabbed Sev’s bag and offered his hands to hold him. At this point, I wouldn’t deny him wanting to hold his baby so I simply lifted Sev and set him in Frazier’s waiting arms. I grabbed the small bag Ty had packed for me for the sleepover at the hospital and got out.

“Nice place,” he commented on our elevator ride up.

“Yeah.” I nodded and looked down at my bag to find the keys. “It’s close to the office too.”

After unlocking the door and letting Frazier in, I moved to the bedroom and pushed the bed cover aside. “You can lay him down here.”

Frazier nodded then lowered himself down. As he sat on the edge of the bed, he leaned forward and placed Sev carefully, dipping the mattress as he did so. My baby boy stirred in his sleep and I whispered calming words while caressing his head. I was aware of a pair of gray eyes watching my every move but chose not to acknowledge it.

I followed Frazier outside once I made sure everything was fine with Sev and he was covered in his baby blanket.

“Only one bedroom?” Frazier asked.

“No, there are two.” I frowned as I watched him look around my place, scanning the surrounding. “What are you? A realtor?”

“Does he sleep with you?”

“Yeah. The other room is for my mom when she came here to visit.” I sat down on the sofa and rubbed my sweaty palms against the jeans fabric on my thighs. “Though we use her room for the playground when she’s not here. Se—” I caught myself, dropping my gaze down at the rug beneath my feet, and cleared my throat before I continued, “Tony likes to play there.”

My sentence met utter silence. I looked up and realized the odd look Frazier was giving me. When he finally spoke, I didn’t expect it to come. “Did you also think I was dead?”

“What?”

“All these years, do you think I was dead?” He probably was able to see the answer in my eyes because he cursed under his breath and then closed the distance between us. He was kneeling on the ugly rug I bought in a secondhand sale last year, his eyes holding mine captive. “What did she say? What did my mum tell you?”

It had been too long so I decided to come clean. “She said you didn’t make it.”

“And you believed her?”

“You were gone. I can’t find you anywhere and yes, of course, I believed her because what kind of sick mother would joke or lie about her son’s death?”

“Mine. Mine would lie about anything and everything and she would lie for something far worse. I know it from experience.”

“You know that but I don’t. I only met her twice. I’m not stupid, I know she doesn’t like me but if you were here in New York instead of going to England without so much as a goodbye or a text. How would I know?”

“So you’re telling me that you didn’t know I was alive until the reunion?”

I shook my head. It was hard, to tell the truth, but the truth was all that mattered. “No. I saw you in one of the photos in Oxford’s catalog. I wanted to go there, to confront you but I can’t. Sev was only a year and a half. I had so many things going on in my life. My brother struggling with depression and everything needed my attention here.”

“You should’ve come.” Frazier shook his head. The look on his face was heartbreaking.

“Maybe but you could’ve come here too. When I realized you were alive but far away from here, I started to think that maybe I had hurt you. Maybe after so much I’ve put you through, I deserved this. I deserved to be left behind without a goodbye.”

Frazier remained quiet. His eyes were teary when he finally admitted it. “It was my fault. I’m so sorry.”

“What happened?” I dared myself to ask even though my gut told me this was not a good idea. “Why did you leave?”

“I thought I was going to die, Autumn.”

I sucked in my breath, and my eyes widened.

He reached out for my hand and I let him hold it. “I had stage IIIB colon cancer. I thought I was sparing you some despair in case I didn’t make it. I was a fool. Milford had informed me numerous times to call you but I was damn stubborn. I was a bloody eejit. And I’m so sorry.”