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May 18
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2024-10-29 19:42:56It is two days now since Danny's body was placed below the ground. I still hear his voice wherever I go. It is as if he is trying to tell me something even though he knows I won't get the message because he is dead. I can't explain how I feel right now. Do I feel suicidal? No! Do I feel like living again? No! Do I feel like dying? No! I don't know how I feel but I do know that I feel empty. I do know I feel the same way that I felt when I heard that Clag was dead. Is it hard to feel death and yet pretend that it doesn't exists?
I have been asking myself a lot of stupid questions today. Questions that doesn't makes sense at all but gives my dumb mind a sense of warmth. I asked myself why the sky was blue instead of green. I asked myself why we didn't have humans with green skin color. And in answer to that, I told myself that we have humans with green skin color but instead of us calling them humans we choose to call them aliens. Stupid right? Yes it is stupid but it does make
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Perer Ford: Diary of a Stranger May 20
"How are you doing today? Are you feeling fine? Do you want some coffee or do you want Miss Bisi to make lunch for you?""I am fine, Uncle Max. I just need some space to breathe properly.""It has been two days now and you haven't said a word to me or Miss Bisi. It has been two days now and you have refused to answer your parents phone calls. It has been two days now and you have refused to eat any food or drink water. What is wrong with you, Perer?""Nothing is wrong with me, Uncle Max. I am just going through a hard time. It will pass immediately I get back on my feet.""And when will you get back on your feet?""I don't know, Uncle Max. Maybe two days or three days. I just want to be alone."Uncle Max took a deep breath as he sat down."Do you see what I have been passing through ever since his brother died?""I have two eyes," Miss Bisi was not in a rush to say anyth
Perer Ford: Diary of a Stranger May 21
Most of the times when I am in a bad mood and I talk, I spit out rubbish knowing fully well it will only worsen my condition. I have never really understood why people used to cut. It doesn't make sense to me at all when I start to imagine a human being sitting all alone in a dark corner, crying, holding a knife by his or her side and shredding his or her skin with the knife. I guess it feels good to cut sometimes. It takes away the pain you feel inside of you immediately your blood starts flowing away from your body. I guess it makes you to become more aware of how useless you are to the society you find yourself in.I know I will not grab a knife and cut my skin because I have tried to do it several times but can't get over the image of blood gushing out from my black skin. It terrifies me as much as running naked on a blind date. Even if no one is at home, I can't go to a secret corner, sit all alone and cut myself.
Perer Ford: Diary of a Stranger May 22
It took only a few days of mourning and thinking for the table in my room to become my favourite place to read. I rocked my head from left to right and then from right to left as I thought of my last WAEC exam paper. Geography was not really my best subject in school but I loved to learn about new places, countries and even about busy markets around the world. After a while, I got up to tear a sheet of paper from a new exercise book. Written at the back of the exercise book were the Nigerian National Pledge and a small mathematical table consisting of multiplications that ran from two to twelve. "Try again," I would say to Danny when he had mistakenly forgot to multiply in the right order. He would always frown then take a quick look at a similar exercise book with multiplication tables before trying again. Christle would sometimes join us for a minute or two, but she would tell us that she wasn't really good at math, and she would promise to try her best. We knew she wouldn't
Perer Ford: Diary of a Stranger May 23
My last exam paper was amazing. Yes! I am talking about my Geography paper. It was incredibly amazing. Though it was not the way that I imagined it to be but it was still amazing."We are finally done with secondary school," Goodness said as he took a pen and wrote something on my school uniform. "If you had not come to my house yesterday evening to seek my help on map reading, I doubt you would have been able to answer all those questions. They were really hard but incredible. Yes! Incredible is the right word. Those questions were incredible!""Why didn't you go for awesome instead of incredible?" I asked."Because I like incredible over awesome.""Does it have a special tag attached to it that I don't know about?""Come on man, it doesn't. I use awesome when the event that occurred is unpredictable. I use incredible when the event is both predictable and planned.""Incredible!" I yelled. "So, we are finally not going to be see
Perer Ford: Diary of a Stranger May 24
I don’t know how to describe the beginning of something. Maybe you could be able to describe the beginning of something without missing out in a lot of details. My inability to describe the beginning of something doesn’t mean that I can’t be helpful in a lot of areas. It is a known fact only to me that I could discern little or nothing while wearing a skimpy cloth that doesn’t fit properly to my body. I could lay down on a hard-narrow concrete road with snares of psychosis tangling me and still mot feel the effect of it until I wake up from my deep slumber. It is kind of funny that my imaginations don’t matches with a lot of people’s perspectives about imaginations but can I blame myself for being me? Can I blame myself for wanting to have my own unique personality instead of wearing someone’s own like an untouchable cloak?Sometimes I think about the dark and it scares me to know that I am not the
Perer Ford: Diary of a Stranger May 25
It was still noon and the dusty wind blew dead leaves that hugged my face. I am not talking about random hugs but real hugs. Hugs that touches the heart and reaches the darkest part of the soul. Do you understand how that feels?Today, I sat at a lonely corner with my palm below my chin. I was still thinking about Uncle Max relationship as I sat down. I was still thinking about Uncle Max relationship even when I bought some biscuits and ate it slowly. Today, I watched as men and women hastily walked with hasty feet and for a moment I stopped and stood like an iroko tree. I stood and watched men talk about a soccer game that ended with their favorite team losing. I stood and watched women talk about a man in the market who refused to give his daughter food although she was complaining bitterly that she was hungry.Today wasn't just like any other day. It drove me back to the days when all I had to think about was how to wake up and walk to school. The feelings of
Perer Ford: Diary of a Stranger May 26
I was facing him, then he sank to my knees and told me to stand up."Jesus Christ," I moaned. "What are you doing here? I thought you were dead. I should have known this would happen." I clenched my hands in front of him as I watched him wave his hands with his eyes closed."I am not dead," Danny said. "I went for a walk towards the other side and I have seen great things. I thought you would like to join me. All my life, I have always felt sick. And if I didn't feel sick, I always felt all alone. Now I have been to the other side of the world, I am glad to say that I have found a way to express myself.""What are you talking about, Danny?""Did you ever care about me, Perer? You just left for Enugu without informing me of your departure. Why did you go away without taking me with you?""Danny," I inhaled slowl
Perer Ford: Diary of a Stranger May 27
Outside the window, I saw the moon giving up its light as I watched the first shade of dawn fall. All night long it had been horrific; but now everything was starting to get back to normal. I could hear Uncle Max's voice from my room. He was phoning someone and telling the person that he wouldn't come to work today because of some issues he had to settle. Some issues involving, I and Miss Bisi. Honestly, apart from the dispute he had with Miss Bisi some days ago, I don't see any other issue that could be settled if not that.I stiffened as I heard the door creak."Who is that?" I asked.There was no reply."Who is that?" I asked again.Still, there was no reply.Impatiently, I ignored the sound of the door and focused on the dream I had yesterday about Danny. It was a terrible dream that left a lot of trails. The dream was not the only thing that surprised me because a part of me felt it was coming especially after the series of dreams
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Perer Ford: Diary of a Stranger About the Author
Chibuzor Victor Obih was born in the southern part of Nigeria. Delta State to be precise. His writing includes essays, poetry and short stories. He likes to play soccer, read, study and above all, write. He is currently a fourth year student of a renowned public university in Nigeria. The University of Port-Harcourt is where he is pursuing a bachelor's degree in Mechanical Engineering. Perer Ford: Diary of a Stranger is his second book and his second attempt to explore the beautiful world of a novelist. To stay connected with him and his works, you can follow him on Instagram using the account name, Chibuzor Victor Obih or follow him on Facebook using the account name, Author Chibuzor Victor Obih.
Perer Ford: Diary of a Stranger August 31
The pathway to heaven is rough. The streets are not tarred. The bells are not ringing. Where is God?Apart from the sound of the water dripping from the tap in the bathroom, I couldn't hear anything. I couldn't even hear my heart beating inside my chest."This is going to be my last attempt," I said to myself.I tried to turn around as I felt the impact of the drug I took. I tried to move my limbs but I couldn't. I closed my eyes and saw myself dying. It was terrible. Then, suddenly, I saw Jesus Christ looking down at me. His feet, white as snow. His hair, colorful as gold. He took my arm and told me to get up."I will give you another chance, Perer," he said."Why?" I asked, confused."Because you deserve it."I didn't know what else to say. I just stood there, shocked. I stood in front of the son of God I had condemned most of my life and I couldn't say anything. All I could think about was my book. The diary I had writt
Perer Ford: Diary of a Stranger August 26
"The first time I have ever thought of killing myself was in Port-Harcourt. I wanted to make my death quick. Less painful! I wanted to pass any sharp thing through my body and bleed till I was dead. I didn't realize how painful it was until I grew older," I said to the therapist."Where were your parents when you were going through all of this?" The therapist asked."What can I say about my parents," I said, thinking. "Dad stayed with us until he divorced Mum some months ago. Then I was sent to live with my uncle here as if I was the cause of their divorce. Dad was always thinking about life. He constantly joked about God. For your information, Dad hates God. I don't know the exact reason why he hates God, I only know he hates God. Anytime someone mentions the name of God, he gets pissed.""Do you think your Dad's hatred for God is the reason why you hate God too?""I don't think so," I swallowed hard. "My case is different from Dad. I only want answers t
Perer Ford: Diary of a Stranger August 23
For days, I have been pondering about the meaning of my life and I can tell you that I haven't been gripped by the fear of it even if it is the slightest bit of it. Have you ever been scared of dying and as well feel you are not afraid of living? Only two days did I hear a preacher speak of eternal life and it resounded in my ears for as long as I could remember. It was the first time a person read a bit of my mind without knowing me. Do you think I am slowly turning to God?For so long I have dreamt of Clag and Danny. And for so long I have demanded an answer as to why I was brought to this life, but yet, there haven't been any answers. For some reasons, I reckon, I am but only a roaming lifeless mustard seed enclosed in a showcase and packaged in a nylon called life. To prove my point, think of an empty space with an empty sack lying downwards. Can you imagine that?I left home today to visit Goodness. A newness of
Perer Ford: Diary of a Stranger August 20
"Thank you for coming today," the therapist said. "I was afraid you wouldn't come because of the way you sounded when you left my office the other day.""Can we continue from where we stopped. As you can see, I am already getting tired of this introductions.""I understand. I understand, Perer."The therapist turned my file to the next page."I thought I would never say this about you but you are an incredibly smart person. You deserve a good life.""Almost everyone does," I replied."Some, more than others. Those who set goals, work very hard, stay out of trouble and complete their education deserve a better life.""Can we get on with this, ma? I am trying hard not to freeze to death.""Are you cold?""No! But I am freezing yo death inside of me.""Give me time."I watched as the woman looked at my file, raised it up, turned it over and placed it back on
Perer Ford: Diary of a Stranger August 13
"Seven children?" Miss Bisi repeated. "I am sorry, you want us to have seven children.""Yes!" Uncle Max smiled."And you mustn't apologize all the time. It is permitted for couples to share diverse opinions on children. As long as there is love, there is unity.""And you want us to have peace in a home filled with seven children?"Uncle Max didn't mind having lots of children even if it was a dozen because he had spent most of his whole life being alone. The fact that Miss Bisi wanted less than seven kids was not going to change his mind."I was thinking," I interrupted, "with the rate of inflation going on in Nigeria and with the way jobs are getting fewer, how are you guys going to raise seven children in an unstable mixed economy?""God will provide," Uncle Max smiled."Yes! God will provide," Miss Bisi added, supporting his statement. "What is on my mind is not giving birth but being referred to as a married woman. I want people to start
Perer Ford: Diary of a Stranger August 9
"I want to help you, Perer," the therapist said. "We agreed to meet two days ago. Why did you delay?""I can't answer that, ma. And you can't help me. I am already a lost cause who is swimming on the surface of the earth. My time will come and I will soon die.""I understand," the therapist wrote something down on a book. "Any memories of your childhood you might want to share with me? Since the conversation about the people you care about last time did not lead us anywhere, I thought it would be best if you tell me about your childhood.""There is nothing to talk about in my childhood. It was a moment that has passed. It can't come back again even if I want it to."“Are you happy with the way your life is right now, Perer?”"Happiness is a subjective question, ma. It can mean a lot to a lot of people. Some people are in a relationship not because they are happy about it but because th
Perer Ford: Diary of a Stranger August 1
My day started almost in a haste. It started with the early morning sun shining in a rush before the rain started falling slowly from the sky. The rain fell like fine sifted unwanted powder thrown from above. I was still in Enugu and I was still at Uncle Max's house, acting with utmost perfection as if everything was alright with me. Not for one single time did Uncle Max wonder if my silence was a new found habit or if it was a cage I had deeply fallen into. The lack of communication that started between us two weeks ago was still growing everyday as if it had an unquenchable hunger that needed to be settled. The lack of communication bothered me as I counted the number of days remaining for the year to end. One hundred and fifty two days!"Miss Bisi is coming today," Uncle Max said as he served me a plate of rice and stew. "She has been asking questions about you and I have been finding lies to tell her. What is really wrong with you, Perer?"I felt my jaw drop but I
Perer Ford: Diary of a Stranger July 31
I did not talk. I could not talk as I sat on the white plastic chair. The therapist repeated the question, and again, instead of a response, all she got from me was a bland dying stare."Perer, relax. I want you to relax. I hope the plastic chair is comfortable?""Relaxation is not something that I fancy these days. Say what you want to say. I will answer as much as I can answer.""Alright," the therapist wore her glasses. "Perer, it may interest you to be informed that I have read your file over and over again and I still don't understand what your problem is. You said you are not suicidal but yet you are depressed. Do you care to explain what you mean by that statement? I will give you time to think about my question while I go through your file. I have decided to not charge you because I admire your courage to seek help. It is not common for young people of your age to admit they are suicidal. They see it as a crime!"I inhaled softly as I climbed into
