Chapter 6

Cry

“Please?”

Kanina pa ako pinakikiusapan ni Lance na maging modelo niya. It’s for their preliminary project in a major kaya naman ganito nalang ang pagsusumamo niya na mapapayag ako.

I am in the middle of waiting for Elize and Maisie for lunch. Habang naghihintay sa kanila ay nakahanap ng tiyempo si Lance na lapitan ako at kausapin.

Tiningnan ko siya ng masama. Kanina niya pa ako kinukulit na talaga namang ikinaasar ko. Gusto ko rin siyang sumbatan na dahil sa kanya ay pinag-iinitan ako ng grupo ni Trina. But I refrain myself. There’s no point in bringing that up now. Sana lang talaga huwag na nila akong abalahin pa.

I blinked fast when an image flashed my mind upon remembering Trina’s group. It’s been days since that thing happened. Hanggang ngayon ay naaalala ko pa rin ang pakiramdam. I shook my head. Gosh! What is wrong with me?

“I’ll do anything! Everything! Pumayag ka lang,” pagsusumamo ni Lance. I rolled my eyes and turned to him.

“I said I’m not doing it,” I insisted. “Bakit hindi nalang si Trina ang gawin mong model? She’s your girl, right?”

Kung pagbibigyan ko siya, lalo lang magkakaroon ng dahilan ang grupo ni Trina na inisin na naman ako. Isa pa, I don’t feel like doing it. Not when I’m in a shitty situation right now. I don’t think I can confidently smile and pose for the camera when my heart is aching from rejection.

“Ex-girlfriend. Matagal na kaming wala,” he scoffed. “I heard what she did to you, I’m sorry about that.”

I just rolled my eyes. Hindi naman ako naaapektuhan. I just didn’t like how they could go for something stupid.

“Hindi ako iyong tipong pumapatol sa ganoong immature na gawain,” I gritted my teeth. “I just don’t want to make a big deal out of it and I’m trying to stay away from trouble.”

He sighed, defeated.

“I know that’s why I’m sorry. But if only... if only you change your mind, my offer still stands. I really want you to be my model,” he smiled.

Maya-maya lang ay dumating na sina Elize at Maisie kaya nagpaalam din siya agad. The two looked at me curiously but I ignored their gazes. We continued eating. Alam kong gusto nilang malaman kung ano’ng pinag-usapan namin ni Lance habang wala sila kaya lang wala pa ako sa mood para magkwento.

“Okay ka lang?” Maisie’s voice is laced with worry.

I told them Xander rejected me. They were both shocked. Kahit ako ganoon din ang nararamdaman at naging reaksiyon. I still don’t understand why Xander can’t love me back. At sa puso ko umaasa akong kahit kaunti may nararamdaman din siya para sa akin.

“I’m really sorry. I shouldn’t have suggested that,” si Elize habang nakatitig sa akin.

I smiled at both of them.

“It’s fine, ano ba kayo? It’s not like it’s totally over. I’m not giving up just yet,” I said firmly.

“So you’re still gonna chase him?”

“Of course! No matter what happens,” may pinalidad sa boses ko.

Like I said, I won’t stop. Hindi ibig sabihin na ni-reject niya ako ng isang beses, titigil na ako.

That’s why I went to their mansion that weekend. Kahit palapit na ang preliminary exams, I made sure I make time to visit him and talk to him. It was a good thing tita Alondra was there.

“Naku, pasensya ka na hija. Xander went out. Pumunta nag planta,” sabi niya saka ako bineso.

“It’s fine, tita. Pumasyal lang po talaga ako kasi medyo matagal ko na kayong hindi nakaka-bonding,” I smiled.

She laughed heartily and guided me towards their receiving area. Abala ang mga kasambahay sa paglilinis ng mga muwebles. The Spanish-style interior of their home is well maintained. Mula sa mga antique na mga kagamitan, to the intricate designs of the walls, the staircase and even their furniture.

“Tamang-tama, I was just about to bake something for the boys. Would you mind helping me?”

“I would love that, tita.” I said excitedly.

Mabilis niya akong iginiya sa kusina. We baked cookies for the afternoon snacks. Aniya’y inaasikaso raw ni Xander ang mga bagong deliveries.

“How’s your parents by the way? I haven’t seen them in a while.”

Natigil ako sa pagsasalin ng juice sa baso para sagutin ang tanong niya.

“They’re doing good, tita. Masyado lang busy sa trabaho kaya...”

“Maybe I should visit them once in a while?” She smiled. “Namimiss ko na rin si Salena.”

“I’m sure she misses you too, tita. Sabihan ko po si mommy,” I continued pouring the juice.

We heard footsteps from outside and some laughter from men. Napangiti ako. I’m sure Xander would be surprised to see me here.

“Sila na yata iyon, let’s bring these out.”

I nodded excitedly. Nauna siyang lumabas dala ang bandihado na naglalaman ng mga cookies at cupcakes. Ako naman ay nangingiti na habang nakasunod sa kanya. Kaya lang natigilan ako nang makita kung sino ang nasa tabi ni Xander at nakangising nakikipag-usap sa kanya.

Wearing a dirty white v-neck shirt, faded jeans, and black boots covered with dirt, is Santi. Prenteng-prente ang pagkakaupo sa pang-isahang sofa.

My hands trembled when his gaze met mine. Unti-unti ring nalusaw ang kanyang ngisi at seryoso akong tinitigan. Mabilis akong nag-iwas ng tingin at bumaling kay Xander. He has that worried look on his face. I smiled at him though.

I was able to put down the juice without breaking the glass. Mabuti nalang at ang masayang disposisyon ni tita ang nagpagaan sa tensyong nararamdaman ko.

“I know you’re both tired. Here, have some snacks,” nakangiting baling ni tita sa dalawa.

Ako naman ay hindi na makangiti ng maayos. I remained silent while standing beside tita Alondra. Hindi ko alam kung saan ibabaling ang tingin gayong ramdam ko ang mariing titig ng dalawa. In the end, I pretended that I’m not affected a bit.

Tita Alondra made me sit beside Xander, sa mismong harap ni Santi. That didn’t made me look at him though. I just can’t return his gaze, I feel like I would burn myself if I do.

“I didn’t know you’d come here,” marahang bulong ni Xander. Ibinaling ko sa kanya ang buong atensyon.

“Yeah, I wanted to surprise you.”

“How’s work, Xander?” Tita Alondra asked.

“Maayos naman, Ma. It’s Santi’s delivery kaya panatag ako sa walang aberya sa mga produkto.” Nakangising bumaling si Xander kay Santi.

I took a glimpse of Santi turning his gaze to Tita from me. Tumikhim ako at sumimsim sa juice.

“Mabuti naman kung ganoon. Though I’ve always known how meticulous he is when it comes to work. Buti at napagsasabay mo ang pagtratrabaho at eskwela, Santi?” Tita Alondra’s eyes sparkled with awe and admiration.

“Yes, tita. Kahit papaano ay napagsasabay naman ng maayos.” Santi’s cold baritone made me shiver.

Hindi ko maiwasang mapatitig sa kanya. I’ve only heard it from my friends, that he’s a scholar too. Kung paanong napagsasabay niya ang lahat ng iyan nang hindi napapbayaan ang alinman sa dalawa ay nakamamangha.

I’ve always lived a lavish life since birth. So I don’t know how it is to work hard for the things that I want. I always get what I want the easy way. Well, except Xander loving me.

Now I’ve come to realize that what really drives people to work hard is desire. If you truly want something, you work really hard too to get it.

Iyon ang nakikita ko kay Santi. Sa kagustuhan niyang mapabuti ang buhay, nagsisikap siya. I don’t know if one of his motivations is the fact that he’s an orphan, pero kahit ano pa man, I understand tita Alondra for admiring his hard work.

Tita Alondra excused herself after those little conversations. Naiwan naman kaming tatlo na tensyunado sa isa’t isa. Ang kaninang excitement ay tuluyang naglaho. It doesn’t feel right, now that I’m here. I can’t breathe suddenly now that I’m left with the two of them.

I excused myself not long after tita Alondra left. Marahan akong naglakad papunta sa sala at mula roon ay nahagip ng tingin ang portiko. Marahang hinihipan ng pang-hapong hangin ang kurtina. I decided to go there to get some air. Tipid akong napangiti nang makalanghap ng sariwang hangin.

From here I can clearly see the garden. Iba’t ibang klase ng bulaklak ang naroon. The sight relaxed my insides.

“Cian,” Xander’s voice woke me up from my reverie.

Napangiti ako nang malingunan siya ngunit hindi siya ngumiti pabalik. My brow shot up with his expression.

“Why are you doing this?” Tanong niyang nagpakunot sa noo ko.

“What do you mean by this?” Taka kong tanong.

He sighed. Tila hirap sa kailangang sabihin.

“You’re making this even harder for yourself.”

“I don’t understand.”

“Look, if you’re doing this to get my attention and make me change my mind, please stop. I don’t want to hurt you all the more hurt yourself,” hirap niyang sambit.

Now I get what he meant.

“Ano ba’ng problema sa ginagawa ko? Palagi naman talaga akong pumupunta rito noon pa, di ba? Pati ba naman ito hindi ko na pwedeng gawin?” I asked, hurt.

He went near me. Nag-iwas ako ng tingin nang maramdaman ang nagbabadyang luha. Pilit niyang hinanap ang tingin ko.

“I just don’t want you to hurt yourself. Kapag palagi mo akong makikita, mas magiging mahirap sa iyo na kalimutan ang nararamdaman mo para sa akin.”

I shook my head.

“You dislike me that much, huh? Na gugustuhin mong mawala nang tuluyan ang friendship natin?”

“Hindi mo naiintindihan-”

“Ako ang hindi mo maintindihan! Please... tell me. Ano’ng kailangan kong gawin, mahalin mo lang ako, huh?” I plead. Ang mga luha ay isa-isa nang pumapatak.

“Cianna-”

“Just tell me. I will do everything! Just love me back,” hagulgol ko.

I don’t care if I look like a desperate bitch right now. All I know is that I can’t easily let this go. I don’t want to give up without putting up a good fight. Kaya kailangan kong malaman kung ano’ng kailangan kong gawin, ano’ng gusto niyang gawin ko, mahalin niya lang ako pabalik.

“I’m sorry.”

“I don’t want an apology, Xander! I want to know what do I have to do, please. Kasi hindi ko alam kung makakaya ko bang kalimutan nalang ang nararamdaman ko para sa iyo,” nanghihina kong sambit. “I won’t get tired. I will show you I could wait for a long time. Until you would finally see me. Hanggang sa makita mong ako ang nararapat sa iyo, I won’t stop. That’s how much I love you.”

I felt lightheaded when I walked out of their mansion. He didn’t go after me. Pero sa loob-loob ko, lihim kong hiniling na sana habulin niya ako at aaluin. Gaya ng ginagawa niya noon. Pero hindi. Instead, he let me walk out on my own.

Masakit? Sobra. I feel like I lost the will to fight. Iyong wala ka nang makitang rason para magpatuloy o kung worth it pa bang ipaglaban ang sarili mong nararamdaman.

Natigil ako sa paglalakad nang humarang si Santi sa daraanan ko. Instead of being angry everytime I see him, wala akong naramdaman ni isang emosyon. My vision blurred from tears flowing from my eyes. I sniffed and wiped my face using the back of my hand. I probably look pathetic. Gosh!

He remained standing while I tried my best to look back at him. Pero habang nakatitig ako sa kanya, lalo lang akong naiiyak. And before I could even think straight, I pushed myself towards him and hugged him tight. I cried hard on his chest.

Ramdam ko ang pagkatigagal niya ngunit kalaunan ay ikinulong niya rin ako sa kanyang bisig. He rubbed my back gently.

“Shh...” he sighed heavily. “Damn, I hate seeing you cry.”

To be continued...