Fear

I'm drinking my coffee while thinking a lot of things, specially that thing I jus did last night. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes when I remembered that moment.

I checked my wrist watch, the time of my flight has arrived, it’s time to go, thank you for some out of this world but not so extremely interesting experience Paris... it’ll never happen again. I walked outside to leave. I found this coffee shop a few steps away from the airport, I just stand by here to take a cup of coffee.

By the way, I’m Aemee Harlene Santiago. 24, I’m a flight attendant.

Manila, Philippines

February 2015

“Are you out of your mind?!” I can feel anger from her voice, “how pathetic Aemee! You did that thing? You’re such a careless person.” 

She was really cheesed off and that made me trembled so much. I can see lines on her forehead, and I can feel her sharp look on me. Oh god! 

I’m just sitting there waiting for her sermons after she heard what I’ve said. 

“I’m not,” I just answered, still keeping my voice normal as as possible. I’m so nervous and I can't help it.

She rolled her eyes and took a sip from her coffee.

She looked at me again, straight to my eyes as if she’s examining my whole system.

“You went there to get some space, to breathe, and now you’re telling me you had a one-night stand with someone you didn’t know?! God Aemee, you're making me sick!” she groaned, she’s really mad huuh.

I just look at my hands and play with it, I just wait for her to say or ask everything she wanted to burst.

“Did you two used protection?” She seriously asked.

I remembered it too well, I felt him released inside me..

I didn’t know how to answer her, we didn’t! This will just make her more angry. 

She looked at me intently, and didn’t wait for me to answer..

“Look at you now, you’re delayed! How can I defend you to tita Olivia now? What if you’re pregnant? What will you do?”

Her voice is filled with concern, I know she’s just worried.

I told her that I’m not, while laughing to ease the nervousness I’m feeling.

I know that there’s a big possibility of me being pregnant, he released it inside me.

“Let’s buy PT,” 

She said and grabbed me outside. We went to the nearest pharmacy to buy PT. I expected it already, but I’m nervous.

Nervousness and fear aroused inside of me when I entered one of the cubicles of the public restroom on the mall to use the PT, which me and Klare bought.

I just did what the instructions said.

My vision becomes blurry because of tears falling from my eyes, my hands are trembling while holding the pregnancy test, I’m running out of words because of the result.

I heard a gentle knock coming from the outside, maybe it’s Klare just checking me out.

“Aemee, what now? Can I see the result?” she said while still knocking.

I had enough courage to stand up and go outside. As soon as Klare saw me with tears in my eyes, she hugged me.

“K-Klare it’s positive,” I whispered, enough for me and Klare to hear.

“Sshh, we’ll talk later, calm down first,” she said while rubbing my back gently.

How would I tell mom and dad that I’m pregnant? They’re expecting more from me, and they want more for me, even though I’m in the right age they’re still wanting me to get married first before I get pregnant.

I’m their younger daughter, I should at least let Simon – my elder brother, have a girlfriend first before I get married or before I give them a grandchild. But, it’s done, I’m now pregnant, the baby is here now, I’m now bearing their first grandchild, I should face the consequences resulting from my actions. They would be so disappointed with me.

“Tell them that you’re pregnant,” Klare seriously said.

She sighed heavily for countless times, silence filled the whole care before she said that.

We’re now at the parking lot, inside my car.

“I’ll tell them, I can’t raise this child on my own, I need some support from them,” I said.

“How about him, what’s your plan? Are you going to tell him that you’re pregnant?” she asked me.

I bite my lower lip, I know she’ll be angry if I tell her what’s my plan.

“I’ll raise this child without him, I don’t have any plan to introduce it to him,” I said and looked at her.

She just released a heavy sigh again, maybe to surrender, because she knew me well, I have already decided the moment I learned that I’m delayed, no one can make my mind change.

“Okay, if it’s your decision, then I’ll respect that,” she said with a serious tone.

------------

I hugged myself when I felt the cold breeze touch my bare skin, I’m at the balcony facing the garden that my mom’s personally designed. I think I let go of countless heavy sighs since I sitted here. I’m still thinking about how I can say it to my mom and dad.

I remembered dad saying that I should grow up and should act as my age. He forced me to broke up with Josiah when I first introduced him to them, but because of me being a hard-headed person, I didn’t listen to them. I continued my relationship with Josiah until I saw him with Anica. 

I told them everything, but instead of being angry, dad comforted me and that day I promised that never again I let myself settle for less, that I’ll change myself for a better version, but here I am again, making such things that I know dad and mom will be disappointed.

“Hun, did you already eat? Your dad is looking for you,” I looked at her and smiled, it’s mom.

I didn’t know that I didn’t lock the door. She sitted to the chair beside me and looked at the view I’m looking at.

I can see how sophisticated she is the way she sit, she looks intimidating but when you get to know her more , she’s the sweetest person you’ll ever know. I never wonder if lots of people envy and adore her.

“What’s for dinner mom?” I asked.

“Go downstairs, hun,” she just answered, she stood up and walked towards my room to leave.

She knew me, once I’ve learned what they cooked and I don’t like it, I will not join them to eat.

I just sighed and stood up. I felt nervousness covering my whole system again, I should tell them tonight that I’m pregnant.

I went downstairs and their laughter welcomed me, Simon, my elder brother, is home already. While I was walking towards the dining table I saw dad smiling at me.

When I sitted, mom served me rice and some chop of adobo she surely cooked.

“You look pale, Aemee,” Simon seriously said. I felt like my spirit would leave my body because of what he said.

He looked at me intently, I just gave him a half smile as an answer.

Once I made sure that we’re all done eating, I started to talk.

“M-Mom, D-Dad, I have to tell you something,” 

My voice was trembling because I was so nervous, so much tension is inside me at this very moment. They’re just looking at me intently.

“What’s that, hun?” mom gently said.

I looked at her and she just gave me smile.

“I-I'm pregnant,” I said.

I looked down and waited for them to talk.

I heard mom gasping after I told them those.

As I looked at her I saw her hands trembling, maybe because of the anger she’s feeling.

“Where’s the father, Aemee.” Dad asked with a voice full of authority.

I did my best to stop my tears from falling. I’m breathing heavily because of the tensions inside me.

“H-He’s not here dad, we broke up, he has a family, he’s a married man” I lied.

I heard dad sighed heavily and I heard him cursing.

“What the hell, Aemee?!” Simon shouted.

I can feel frustration from his voice, the dimmed dining area became more dimmed and blurry when tears from my eyes started to fall.

“I’m so sorry, mom, dad, Si.” I said while still looking at the plate in front of me.

I can feel the different kinds of atmosphere inside the house, it’s so suffocating, and it makes me feel like passing out anytime.

I know, I made everything more complicated when I said that the father of this child is married.

I gasped when dad stood up and walked away. Few steps before he reached the stairs, he stopped there and looked at me.

“Your mom will accompany you tomorrow for a check up.” He said and left us there.

I sobbed when I heard what he said, I looked back to mom and Simon.

Simon just sighed and walk towards me, he tapped my head gently and walked away.

“Sleep early, we will go to OB Gyne tomorrow morning.” Mom said and left me there.

She’s angry.

I wiped my tears and sighed. I expected it, I even expected that dad or mom would demand me to abort this child, but they did it again, they think of me again, even though I’ve caused them so much trouble and disappointments.

My chest is aching out of guilt, I’m so sorry, mom, dad and Si.