Chapter One

River's POV

After taking a much needed cold shower, I slip off the bathroom and head towards my cupboard with a semi-wet towel resting on my neck to get the black suit which Henna,my adoptive mother, has chosen for me to wear today. I take my time to dry my hair with the towel before opening the small wooden cupboard which is painted white.

Slightly frowning, I glance at the black suit in my hand, really not feeling it. I'm much more comfortable in my sweatpants and a t-shirt in this scorching heat. It's so freaking hot these days though winter will knock at the door in a few more weeks, the weather is always sunny so it burns my skin whenever I step outside. Needless to say, I absolutely hate summer heat. I prefer winter and I can't wait for this sweaty season to go away.

Without wasting any more time as I'm already late, I try out the suit which is kinda bigger on me as it actually belongs to my adoptive brother, Gabriel. He is around 4 inches taller than me with a wide shoulder and huge muscles hugging his body which is much more than I can ever have. It's a good thing that this suit is one or two years old, I can guarantee I will look like a skeleton if it was a recent suit of his. Henna wanted to buy me a new suit but I told her It's not needed as we wouldn't be going to funerals every now and then. She was already upset, I didn't want to be a bigger burden on her shoulder.

The gloomy atmosphere doesn't go unnoticed by me once I step into the living room. I put my head down as I make my way towards the family who are waiting for me. I can see the tear stain on Henna's cheek and an almost wet tissue on her hand. She is wearing a black gown, my adoptive little sister Scarlet is wearing the same thing as her mother, a deep frown tugging on her lips. While Gabriel is wearing a kinda similar suit as I'm wearing. His eyes land on me and before throwing me his usual hateful or annoyed glare, he narrows his eyes at me or more precisely on the suit that I'm wearing. He then casts his glare on his mother but it gets unnoticed by the rest of the family, he doesn't say anything either. He simply looks away from me but not before leaving a nasty glare for me, anger radiating off him. Another reason for him to think I'm invading his life without his permission, another reason for me to feel like a misfit.

It's safe to say I'm very late and I can tell Gabriel isn't happy about it either.

Trying my hardest to get away from his hateful glare, I stand beside Henna whose eyes are red due to crying hard since yesterday. When they get the clue that I'm ready to go, all of us make our way towards the SUV of my adoptive dad, Anthony, without uttering a word.

The 74 years old lady who was our neighbor died last evening and now we are heading towards her funeral. Although I've been living with this family for just a little over a month now, I've seen how Henna or anyone in the Bennet family had a very special and friendly bond with the old lady and her husband. She used to greet everyone with a wide smile on her face, asking about everyone's health and baking everyone her homemade cookies, maybe that's what made her so loveable to everyone, even to me but I wasn't able to shed a single tear when the news of her passing away came to me, I wasn't even sad. I should be sad,I should be missing her but I'm not.

I believe I've already used all of my tears in the early years of my life and now it's just shallowness, the numbness that I feel. Situation like this makes me feel like I forgot how to actually feel. How come I don't feel sad that I won't be seeing her happy face anymore? She used to visit us almost everyday and as I spent all of my time home, I used to spend my time with her, she was funny. She treated me like her own grandson along with Gabriel.

Everyone is quiet as Anthony keeps driving towards the arena. I was looking out of the window all this time, not sure what to do. I've been in this situation before when Henna and Anthony decided they needed more family time with me as I was the new member of the family so they dragged all of us in the car then we went to places, mostly restaurants to have our meals, malls to buy me clothing and necessities and then amusement park to have some fun which wasn't fun,at least to me and judging my Gabriel's grumpy face I knew he didn't have fun either. I've always felt out of place no matter how Henna or Anthony tried to make me feel at home. I felt bad for disappointing them but I couldn't help it.

I want to accept them as my family and yet I feel suffocated when we all are together and feel the need of fresh air just like now. I keep looking outside the window but I snap my head towards Henna when I hear her sniffling beside me.

Looking at her crying face makes me realize that now I'm sad.Her crying makes me sad but not the fact that Mary, our neighbor, died.

Unable to decide what to do instantly, I hesitantly try to move my hands towards her shoulder but I stop as soon as I see Gabriel doing the same. He hugs his mother and consoles her, mumbling softly "It will be alright. She is in a better place." She leans into his touch and puts her head on her son's shoulder, crying her heart out. Biting my lips,I watch them having their moment.

I don't want to see her crying. She is too kind to be crying. A deep frown sets on my face as she keeps sniffing.

I push myself towards the window as much as I can, trying to be away from them as much as possible. They are having an emotional mother and son moment and I don't want to ruin it with my presence even though I've the urge to console her myself.

"She used to give me candy. I miss her." I hear Scarlet saying from the passenger seat. A deep frown tugging on her lips.

"You are sad because you won't be getting candies from her anymore?" Anthony asks curiously. His eyes are still on the road as he speaks.

She simply nods her head at her father's question, Anthony gives her a look which I can't see pretty well but I silently chuckle at that.

"You shouldn't talk like that, Scarlet. I've taught you better." Henna scolds her daughter, her voice is soft yet hoarse from all the crying with a hint of disappointment in it. Gabriel brings his hand towards her cheeks and wipes away her tears.

"Well,I'm sad that she is dead too. She was a good person." She further explains herself, pouting her lips. From her tone I can tell that she does mean it, she sounds sad. Everyone sounds sad, except me. I'm used to people dying on me, I guess.

I stop paying attention to their small talk, I sadly smile thinking how perfect they are as a family and I'm like an intruder, forcefully making my way towards their lives, their home, just thinking about it makes me breathless. I'm in desperate need of some fresh air. Casting my gaze outside the window once again, I look outside but find nothing interesting enough to put my attention on them. Soon I find myself slipping into my own thinking world. Thoughts I've been having since my childhood start clouding my head.

Will anyone cry if I die? I don't know and I don't wanna know when deep down I know the answer. It's true that Henna and Anthony adopted me, they gave me everything I ever needed, they gave me things I never knew I needed, and they treat me just like they treat their son ever since but I know it's out of sympathy, not love.

I'm not afraid to die but I'm afraid to live with a constant fear of what will happen when I will take my last breath.

+●+

Everyone is teary eyed listening to the speech of Mary's husband, Michael. He must have loved her too much to give such a heart-warming speech which made almost everyone teary. I heard from Henna that they were married for 40 years, it must be hard for the old man to lose his life partner at such an old age where death is inviting him too.

Everyone is gloomy and sad, a melancholic atmosphere prevailing in the arena just like it should but I still can't feel the agony, I still can't shed a tear, I don't feel sad.

It comes to me as a surprise to see that Gabriel is also crying. I've always seen him as an angry young man who is tough and buff, who is ready to throw hands every now and then. Well, shame on them who say only the weakest cries while I find no tears at the corner of my eyes or maybe I'm not that weak as I think.

"How long will it take? It's getting boring!" Scarlet exclaims, wetting her fingers on her tongue and then putting them under her eye to make it look like she is crying actual tears.

"What?" She asks me, sounding annoyed as I keep looking at her.

"What are you doing?" I enquire, talking in whispers as I'm surprised at her action.

"If it was a movie I would definitely cry but it's real life so I'm in need of my fake tears." She shrugs and repeats her action, producing fake tears. This 14 years old girl is actually unbelievable. I can't tell what goes inside of her little head.

I crack a small laugh at her, maybe It's normal that I don't feel sad that she died. Scarlet has known her longer than I have and still she finds it hard to cry actual tears, she is a kid, yeah but at least I can sooth my heart and mind saying that It's actually normal that I don't feel anything.

When I start getting uncomfortable and judging stares of people around me, I realize that I laughed a little too loud. I slap a hand over my mouth, walking away and standing closer to Henna to avoid the embarrassment. I shouldn't laugh at a funeral where a man has lost his love of life; that's offensive.

"Can you hand me a tissue,dear?" Henna asks me politely, I nod my head quickly at that.

"I will get it." Gabriel beats me to it. He takes longer steps to go and grab a few tissue papers.

I can understand him. He must feel uncomfortable about the fact that a boy of his age is now added into his family, as his brother. It might be hard for him to accept me. My adoption was so sudden that it scared me too but I don't get his hatred towards me. Although,I'm not sure if it's hatred or simple annoyance but I'm making an effort to get to know him and to be liked by him. I hope he opens up to me soon.

Gabriel comes back real quick with a pack of tissue papers and hands them to Henna who mutters a small thank you. He then processes to stand between me and Henna, ditching his previous place. I move a little so that he can make room for himself to stand beside his mother.

Maybe it's not hatred that he holds for me. It's just insecurity and jealousy. He doesn't want to share his parents with me, with a stranger. I hang my head low and stop keeping track of time.

It's already been over 4 hours and the funeral is coming to an end soon. No offense, my condolence towards the family and all but funerals are pretty boring.

"Mom, I will be back!" I immediately look up hearing Gabriel's sudden excited voice but as soon as I look up he runs forwards. My eyes linger at the ways that he is taking, shoving the crowd he makes his way towards a boy who isn't dressed black just like the rest of us. Rather, a maroon leather jacket is hugging his body, a black t-shirt underneath it and a pair of ripped black jeans. Even though they are standing far away from me, I can still see them clearly, maybe I got a good vision as a blessing in my curse of a life.

Being curious,I keep watching their interaction.I think I've seen that boy before and then I remember that It's his friend, Killian Price.

I've seen him and other friends of Gabriel coming to our,I mean to his and his parents' home and hanging out there. He was present there too. I didn't want to intrude into Gabriel's privacy with his friends so I never really talked to his friends. I know when I will be attending school, I will be seeing them all every day.

It was Scarlet who told me the names of Gabriel's friends when I asked her as I was curious. More curious because I would be attending the same school so it would be easier to be friends with them if I know them.

I know I look like a creep but it doesn't stop me from looking in their direction. It seems like they are arguing about something, Gabrie is pointing his finger at the Killian guy and arguing. He looks angry. I don't know what they are talking about but the Killian guy looks calm and collected. He lets Gabriel talk while he stays quiet.

As if he knows someone has their eyes on them, suddenly he casts his gaze towards me and I immediately hang my head low, looking down at my feet being too embarrassed that I got caught.

Not knowing if he is still looking at my way, I keep my head low. It wouldn't be a surprise if he thinks I'm a creep or freak.