July 4, 1975

JULY 4, 1975

“Hey, check this out.” I stared into the little plastic tank that the “Sea Monster Pets!” were supposed to grow in. I’d slept in the day after The Kiss, and Matt and I were just bumming around in my room, reading comics. The storm had passed overnight but a cold drizzle still fell. It was supposed to clear later and we were going to meet the girls at the beach.

Matt tossed his comic book aside. “They Come Out at Night” had been a good pastime when we’d first moved in, but girls had proven to be the ultimate distraction. From everything. “Those don’t look like shrimp,” he said, moving next to me to squint at the tank.

Something swam in the murky water. They looked like tiny lobsters would look if their claws hadn’t fully formed. Instead, ropy appendages swirled next to them, probing the sides of the tank. I sprinkled some of the food in. The creatures sped to the surface to feed. There were too many to count, but I realized with horror that there would soon be less. They were fighting over the food, attacking each other with a ferocity that was scary even for such tiny creatures.

“Holt shit,” Matt whispered. “Look at the little cannibals.”

I stared at the goings-on in the little tank, mesmerized. I’d never really expected anything to grow. And even if something did, I figured it would be like Matt said, shrimp that would float around for a few days then die and smell bad. I remembered the fine print on the form, talking about the company not being responsible for creatures that escaped or inflicted harm. I cupped my elbows in my palms, suddenly chilly. The idea of running into the bathroom and flushing them down the toilet seemed completely rational. But as scary as the little things were, they were fascinating. I sprinkled more food into the tank.

***

The weather didn’t get better until after lunch, but as soon as it did, Matt and I were out the door. It still wasn’t really a beach day, but we were eager for any opportunity to hang out with Kelly and Leah. A few of the regulars were already there, lazily hitting a volleyball back and forth over the net. The girls were nowhere to be seen.

We said our hellos to the others, trying not to seem too anxious to ask where Kelly and Leah were. Mary waved and ran over. “Hey Matt, Ryan,” she said with a grin. Ever since I’d told Mary I liked Leah a lot, Mary and I had really hit it off. She was a cute girl in a sort of wholesome, girl-next-door way. Short and athletic with a spray of freckles and a pixie haircut, she seemed to have a never-ending supply of energy and conversation. If I had met her before Leah, I probably would have fallen for her. It still bothered me that she looked so familiar, but I was stumped on where I’d seen her. “Don’t worry, Kelly and Leah are just having brunch with their aunt, some weird Fourth of July tradition. They’ll be back in time for the bonfire and the fireworks, don’t worry.

“Thanks, Mary,” I said with a grin of my own. Matt wandered off to join the kids playing volleyball. Mary and I walked toward the water.

“Leah really likes you, you know,” she said, her words holding an odd tone.

“Yeah, well, the feeling is mutual, as they say.”

Mary stopped, placing a hand on my arm. Her expression didn’t fit the situation— it was sober, almost grim. “Just be careful, okay?”

“I don’t know what you mean,” I answered, genuinely confused. “What are you trying to tell me?”

Mary looked down, running a hand through her hair and kicking at the sand. “It’s just . . . ”

I touched her shoulder, “Hey, come on. You’re making me nervous here.”

Mary sighed with resignation. “She’d kill me if she knew I told you,” she finally said.

“Listen, you’ve known her a lot longer than I have. I don’t want to be responsible for coming between two friends. I don’t think—”

“She was molested,” Mary blurted out.

It took me a moment to process what she’d said. When the full force of it hit me, my knees unhinged and I sat down hard on the sand. Mary sat next to me.

“I’m sorry. I don’t think anybody else knows. Except him,” she added with contempt.

I was stunned, not thinking. “Him who?”

“Her father,” she said softly.

I shook my head, the depravity of it all not sinking in. “Why are you telling me this?”

“Because she likes you, and I know you like her.”

As the weight of this new information sunk in, I grew angry. “Are you trying to ruin it for us? Why wouldn’t you just let her tell me?” My voice was getting higher in pitch as my anger grew hotter.

“Ryan, please,” she pleaded, “she’s my best friend and I would never do anything to hurt her.” She picked up a small pebble and tossed it at a mussel shell a few feet away. It bounced off with a scratchy click. “I’m telling you because I know she won’t,” she finally breathed.

“I—”

She cut me off. “She told me you kissed her. And she told me you put a hand on her hip—”

“I wasn’t trying—”

She placed a hand gently over my lips. “Please, listen, this isn’t easy for me.” She pulled her hand away and I nodded. “She’s scared, Ryan. Not of you, just of . . . ” Mary’s face reddened and she picked up another pebble, rubbing it between her thumb and forefinger. “She’s scared of what happens when kissing isn’t enough.” She tossed the pebble at the shell, missing badly.

I thought of her tensing when I’d put my hand on her hip. “Shit,” I said, “I don’t even know what happens then.” I shook my head. “I guess she didn’t tell you it was my first kiss?” There, it’s out, I thought. I didn’t realize at the time how much Mary’s friendship meant.

“No, she didn’t. I just assumed . . . ”

I turned to her, incredulous, “You assumed what, I was some kind of stud?” It was laughable. Matt was the good-looking one in the family. I was a scrawny kid with crooked teeth who liked comic books and sea monkeys.

She smiled. “Well, you did come across as pretty experienced when you told me you liked her a lot. I mean, you hardly seemed shy then . . . ”

I laughed. “That was pretty much the ballsiest thing I ever did. And look what it got me. I have a reputation.” Mary laughed, but she still sounded unsure. “What should I do?”

Mary turned to me, her face serious. “Honestly, I don’t know. Just . . . be nice? If you guys . . . you know . . . start rounding the bases, and she freaks out . . . it isn’t you. That’s all I was trying to get to. I’m sorry I made it . . . awkward.”

“It’s an awkward situation,” I said. “Why didn’t she tell her mom? Or the police?” I wondered how I would ever be able to even look at Mr. Donovan without puking or taking a swing at him.

“I told her she should, but it only happened once.” I started to say something but she held up a hand to silence me. “I know, once is all it takes. But . . . ” She sighed, and it was a sigh of such magnitude and meaning that I wouldn’t completely understand it for a long, long time. “Imagine if she told and everyone heard about it?”

“She didn’t do anything wrong—”

The hand came up again and I shut up. I was way out of my depth anyway. “People will still talk, you know that. For what it’s worth, he was devastated and promised it would never happen again. He was drunk . . . not that it matters or justifies anything. She just wants to move on.”

The anger was creeping back in. Even then, I knew how this could impact her for the rest of her life. Sure, my knowledge came from books and movies, but there had to be some truth in it. “I hate him,” I said through clenched teeth.

“No,” Mary said sharply. “You just have to pretend you don’t know. For Leah’s sake.” She looked at me earnestly. “Promise me, Ryan. I took a chance trusting you with this.”

“I wish you hadn’t,” I said, more harshly than I’d meant to. “I’m sorry, I don’t mean it the way it came out . . . ”

“I know. I felt the same way when she told me. I almost told my parents. Sometimes, I think I should have. Or that I still should.”

Something in her voice changed at that last line, and she looked down. Then, she said, “We’re just kids, we shouldn’t have to make these decisions. Just be good to her, okay?”

Her eyes were wet and a single tear snuck out. She swiped it away. “I promise. Being good to her is easy, and I won’t say anything. Pretending I don’t know when I see him, that’s going to be hard.” I hesitated, then the words came spilling out. “We moved here because my father hits my mother. When Matt got old enough to think he could help, my father hit him. When I got old enough . . . ” Mary was smart enough to figure it out.

“Oh, Ryan, I had no idea. Does Leah know?”

I shook my head, blinking back the burning tears.

Mary did something so naturally and so grown-up that it made me feel much younger. She hugged me. Kids didn’t hug back then, and it’s a vivid memory that’s stuck with me all these years. “It’s not easy for me, either, knowing, I mean.” She pulled away, staring out at the ocean. “Sometimes when he looks at me, I wonder if he’s thinking—”

“Don’t,” I said, “please.” I took a deep breath, letting it out slowly. “If you ever need to talk to anyone, you can talk to me.” It felt right to say that, after what we’d just shared. The anger had slipped out of me, like a balloon deflating. I felt empty, sad, like part of my childhood was in the past and I could never go back.

“You’re sweet, Ryan. If Leah ever dumps you, I might have to come after you.”

We both laughed, but I remembered thinking how I could have fallen for her, and I wondered if she was really kidding. What a day.

***

That night on the beach was like something out of a movie. The blazing fire was surrounded by people singing, playing guitars, telling stories, and just enjoying the summer. Even my mother, exhausted from all the hours at the diner, showed up and joined in the fun. Other bonfires dotted the beach as far as the eye could see, and the water was crowded with boats anchored in the shallow water.

There was plenty of drinking, of course, and while lots of kids were sneaking beers from their parents’ coolers, my brother and I stuck with Cokes. At one point, someone tried to give him a beer but he shook it off. The other kid called him a chickenshit and a pussy. Matt laughed it off for a while, but when the kid started getting louder, my brother shoved him. It looked like it might come to blows, but the kid must have seen something in my brother’s eyes that stopped him. They slapped palms, and that was it.

The fireworks started shortly after it was full dark. They were set off by the fire department from a platform just offshore beyond the marina. It was something, sitting there with friends and family, everyone carefree and happy. And the fireworks were incredible, I’d never seen a display like the one that night.

The only thing was . . . Leah. She’d been acting a little off since she’d gotten back from her aunt’s. I asked her if anything had happened there to upset her, but she said she was fine. I asked her again later what was wrong, and she snapped “I’m fine,” so I left it alone. When I kissed her goodnight after the fireworks finale, it was quick and cold, and I thought I smelled beer on her breath.