01

"Suarez, Chanel Danica M. Summa cum laude!" 

I heard the cheers of the crowd as my mother and I went up the stage for me to receive my medal and diploma. The dean shook my hand and congratulated me. 

"Congratulations, anak. I am so proud of you," my mom uttered, giving me a sweet smile. 

"Thank you mommy. I love you so much." I gave her a tight hug and held her hand as I led her back to her seat.

Sa wakas, after 4 years in Benilde, graduate na ako! I'll finally be able to fulfill my dreams and take on my mother's footsteps as a fashion designer and the future owner of House of Suarez.  

I went back to my seat and waited for the awarding to be finished. 

"Now, let us welcome back on stage, the summa cum laude of the class of 20**, Chanel Danica M. Suarez!" 

I went up on stage and stepped on the podium to give my speech.

"I will make this short because I know that all of us want to leave this auditorium already and celebrate with our family and friends." 

The crowd laughed upon hearing my introductory disclaimer.

"Today is a momentous day for us graduates. We close another chapter of our story and start anew as we embark on another adventure. There'll be more hardships to face, more difficult than what we got to experience back then. Piles of responsibilities will be put on our backs. And there will be times we'd want to give up. When this happens, always remember why you started. Back then, I'd say "ayoko na, hindi ko na kaya" whenever it's hell week. But even though I say those things, the thought of actually giving up does not cross my mind. And that is simply because I have a dream." I smiled. 

"And now that I am one step closer to that dream, I'd like to take this opportunity to thank my mom." I can feel tears starting to form in the corner of my eyes when I saw my mom in the audience.

"Thank you for being my number one cheerleader, my best friend, my inspiration, and my supporter in everything I do. I dedicate all of my achievements to you. Para sayo ito, mommy. We made it!" Hindi ko na kinayang pigilan pa ang luha ko nang makita kong nakatayo na si mommy habang umiiyak. 

I slightly wiped my face and continued giving my speech. 

"We are all just getting started and so, let us make the most out of it. Continue to dream big and aim higher, for everything is possible if you are courageous. Congratulations to us, class of 2012!"

The crowd stood and the sound of applause filled the venue. 

Natapos na rin ang graduation ceremony. But unlike other people, my mom and I chose to go straight to our house and celebrate there instead. Unfortunately, my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer last year and now, she's on her fourth stage. Mabilis siyang mapagod because of her ongoing chemotherapy. Hindi ko na sana siya isasama pa sa graduation ko pero nagpumilit siyang pumunta dahil gusto niyang makita akong nagbibigay ng speech ko. We also asked her doctor first if it's okay for her to go. Buti nalang maganda pakiramdam niya these past few weeks kaya pinayagan na rin siya ng doctor niya. 

Nagulat kami ni mommy nang buksan namin ang pinto sa bahay.

"SURPRISE!" sigaw nila Anais, Kai, at Lili, my best friends. 

The living room was filled with decor at may nakadikit na "congrats" balloons sa pader. 

Inalalayan ko munang umupo si mommy bago tinignan ang mga hinandang regalo ng aking mga kaibigan.

Kai was holding a bouquet of flowers on his right hand and a gift bag on his left. Lili was holding a party popper but was struggling to open it kaya napasigaw kami ng bigla itong pumutok. Anais on the other hand, was holding a cake with a message on it. I came closer to read what it says. 

Sa panahong gipit, kay Dani kakapit

"Nakakainis talaga kayo!" sabay palo ko sa braso ni Anais.

"Tita oh, inaaway ako!" sumbong niya kay mommy. 

We all laughed and ate the dinner Nay Fellie prepared. Nay Fellie has been with us ever since I was a kid. Itinuring na namin siyang pamilya kaya dito na rin nakatira ang kaniyang anak na babae na si Lili na siya namang pinapag-aral ni mommy. 

Out of the four of us, I graduated first since Kai is studying Architecture in UST which takes 5 years to complete. Anais on the other hand is studying Business Management in DLSU. She got delayed kaya hindi siya nakasabay grumaduate. Lili is a year younger than us. She's currently a 3rd year Medical Technology student in FEU. 

"By the way, my birthday is in 4 months. Tita Carol and Nay Fellie, can I borrow Dani and Lili for the night?" paalam ni Anais.

"Of course, honey. No problem. You guys have fun. Andito naman si Fellie na kasama ko," mommy replied. 

"Nako jusko, wag lang kayong uuwing lasing ah. Lili, wag kang uminom ng marami. Sinasabi ko talaga sayong bata ka," sambit ni Nay Fellie.

"Ay, Nay Fellie. Kung nakikita mo lang sana yan pag lasing. Nag-iiba ang aniyo niyan. Naalala ko pa nga isang beses muntik na siyang makipagha-"

Tinakpan na ni Lili ang bunganga ni Kai para hindi na siya makapagsabi ng kung ano pa kay Nay Fellie. We all laughed and talked more about our future goals. 

A month later, naging busy ako sa House of Suarez. My mom asked one of the directors of our company, Mrs. Evangelista, to give me training sa pagpapatakbo nito. I felt so pressured dahil una, kakagraduate ko palang and I have zero experience in handling a business. Second, I always wanted to make a name of my own. Not because I am the daughter of one of the notable fashion designers here in the Philippines but because I worked hard for it. Although, I guess, dahil hindi na rin kaya ni mommy na magtrabaho at dahil mahal na mahal niya ang kumpanyang ito, I will try my best to keep it on top. 

I was fixing my office when I heard a knock on the door. 

"Come in."

The door opened and Anais went inside my office. She was still wearing her I.D. at halatang galing siya sa school.

"Let me guess. Nag-cutting ka ano?" bungad ko sa kaniya.

"Maka-cutting ka naman. Hindi ba pwedeng free cut lang dahil wala yung prof namin?"

"Ewan ko sayo." 

Anais sat on the couch in front of my desk while I got the dress I made for her party. It's the first project I completed as an official fashion designer. Hindi pa ako nakakagraduate, she already asked me to make her a dress. 

It was a satin maroon mini dress with a slit on the left side. The top part is a tube with a deep v neckline and a long ruffled one sleeve. I also added a sparkly belt to complete the look. 

"OMG DANI THIS IS SO PRETTY! I love you so much na! When I get married, I'll hire you to make gowns for me and the entourage." 

"Anything for my best friend." 

"Hey, don't be so cheesy. Baka umiyak ako niyan. Boyfriend nga wala eh, kasal na agad?" 

We both laughed at her remark.

"What are you waiting for? Try it on. Dali!"

Anais went inside the fitting room. She called me a few moments later to zip her dress up. It looked so nice on her body. The dress emphasized her height and the color made her stand out since she has fair skin. If she was a stranger, mapapagkamalan ko siyang model. 

"Anyways, my parents will be away again next week so you know what that means."

"What's new? You're always more than welcome to stay at my house. Basta basta ka na nga lang pumapasok sa bahay ko minsan eh tapos ngayon ka pa nagpapaalam? Hahaha"

Anais would often stay at my house whenever her parents go on business trips. Sobrang matatakutin niya kasi at hindi niya kaya ng walang kasama sa bahay. She grew up having a strong relationship with her parents, especially her dad. Unlike me, I grew up not knowing who my father is. According to my mom, he left when he knew that she was pregnant with me. 

At that time, they were both so young. They were just about to start their careers until I happened. My mother continued working after she gave birth. She told me that there were times she'd bring me to the atelier where she worked at dahil wala siyang mapag-iiwanan sa akin. Kahit gaano kahirap, tiniis niya para lang mabilhan ako ng gatas. At kahit hindi sapat ang kaniyang kita noon para matustusan ang aking pag-aaral, hindi siya nagreklamo. Instead, she found ways to earn more money. That's how strong my mother is and I admire her for that.

After my dad left, she didn't look for him anymore. She became independent and stood up on her own feet like a queen. And look at how far she's come. 

The only thing that's keeping her from being strong is the cancer that took over her body. 

Lumipas ang mga araw at humina ng humina ang kaniyang resistensya. We were confused because she was responding positively to her meds these past few weeks. Her hospital visits were also lessened because the doctor said gumaganda na ang pakiramdam niya.

Balak naming pumunta ng hospital ngayon to get her admitted. I was prepping her stuff when she called me.

"Dani, come here."

I quickly went to the living room to see how she was doing. I panicked a bit dahil akala ko may masakit sa kaniya. She was sitting on the couch. Her lips were so pale and her eyes looked dim and watery. I looked at her head. She wasn't wearing a wig or turban like she'd used to. I sat down beside her and hugged her tight. 

"Dani, I want to hear you play Clair de lune." 

As I always do, before we go to the hospital, she'd ask me to play this piece. She reasons out na baka kasi yun na yung huling beses na maririnig niya akong magpatugtog.

I sat on the piano seat and started to play my mom's favorite piano piece, Clair de Lune. Memories came rushing to my mind as I hear its melody. It was the first piece my mom taught me when I was a kid. I started learning the beginner version and with tons of practice, I learned the original version gradually. 

Whenever I play this at night, I'd sometimes see my mom sitting on the bench in our backyard while looking at the moon. Maybe because clair de lune means moonlight in French. But I feel like it has a deeper meaning to my mom than just that. 

My thoughts were brushed away when I suddenly felt my mom sit beside me. She leaned her head against my shoulder and began humming to the tune. 

I finished playing the piece but we stayed in our position. She held my hand and squeezed it. 

"Anak, I l-love you so m-much."

I felt her stutter as she was having difficulty in breathing. She was gasping for air. Tears started to fall down my eyes.

"Mommy! Mom! Please stay with me! Nay Fellie! Kuya Dan! Tulong!" I started shouting for help.

We immediately rushed her to the hospital. The doctors were trying their best to save her while I wait outside with Nay Fellie and Lili. The rest of my friends arrived with worried looks on their faces. 

At that time, I cried while praying to God. Na Siya na ang bahala sa mommy ko. 

The doctor finally came out with a wearied look on his face.

"The cancer has already spread into Ms. Suarez's other organs which caused them to deteriorate. I am sorry but the only thing that is keeping her alive right now is the ventilator."

I instantly fell on my knees as soon as I heard what the doctor said. Loads of tears streamed down my cheeks. Anais knelt down and hugged me. Nay Fellie and Lili were crying while hugging each other. Kai on the other hand, was just sitting with his head bowed down. 

Nang makapasok na kami sa kwarto, nanlumo ako ng makita ko ang kaniyang lagay. She couldn’t breathe on her own anymore. I went beside her and held her hand. 

“I love you so so much, mommy.” 

I couldn’t express what I am feeling right now. It was all too much. Too much. 

She’s the only family I have left. Yet, I couldn’t manage to keep her beside me. 

However, I don’t want to be selfish. She suffered for a long time and if dying would be the only way to end her agony then I will wholeheartedly accept it. Kahit gaano pa kasakit. 

I called the doctor and gave him my decision.

I hugged Anais as the doctor removed my mother off life support. Seconds later, the sound of flatline filled the room. Out of all the sounds that I’ve heard in my life, ito yung pinakamasakit. 

“No more pain, mommy. No more pain.” I uttered while giving her a bittersweet smile.