January-Kat pt. 1

January 

“Don’t beg anybody 

For anything, especially

Love.”

-Tori Morrison

“Not until we are lost. 

Do we begin to find

Ourselves.”

Katherine

Marcus sits on my right. His leg barely touching mine. The spark we once had is no longer felt. I can feel him pulling away, but we stay together to save face. We’ve been together since we were kids. Destined to marry once of age, just like our parents planned long before we were old enough to know what love was. In the dark of the movie theater I can see Tiffany’s head resting on his shoulder and his hand running the length of her thigh before disappearing beneath the hem of her skirt. She lets out a gasp drawing the attention of Lucas who is sitting on my left. His leg pressed hard into mine, our skin sizzling with connection. I ignore Marcus who I see grinning like a monkey out of the corner of my eye. Tiffany leans across Marcus’s lap and whispers, “I have to pee.” She gets up and walks out. Not even a minute later Marcus leans over and says, “I need a refill.” And he heads out the door. My heart breaks knowing full well what they are doing. Why can’t he just be honest? We're supposed to be friends but Tiffany goes behind my back. 

Now I’m left with Lucas who’s leg is burning into mine. His hand rests softly on my thigh. He leans real close to my ear. His breath hitting softly on my neck causing a chain reaction of goose bumps. “Where’d they go?” I just shrug my shoulders and Lucas moves his hand high on my thigh, tempting the hem of my own skirt. I squirm a little under his touch and that makes him smile. I try to focus on the movie but his thumb moves in small circles on my leg making it hard to focus on anything other than his touch. Marcus and Tiffany come back some 15 minutes later. Hair a mess, Marcus's collar on his shirt is messed up. It's obvious to anyone with eyes what happened.  

Credits roll on the movie theater screen. We all stand and stretch, no one talking about the movie that just ended. Marcus slides his arm around my shoulder as we walk out. Rain kisses the ground in a steady pattern. “I hate the rain!” Tiffany screams as she opens her umbrella to shield her hair. Marcus looks over to Tiffany and shouts, “Let’s go get something to eat.”  His short clean cut blonde hair sticks up in spots that rain has washed away his hair product. He bites his lip and looks me up and down before doing the same to Tiffany, making her blush. Tiffany and I stand under the awning while the boys horse around in the rain. Pulling my phone out of my purse, I notice a missed call and a voice mail on the screen. “Ms. Wilder,  this is Linda at the Mercy General Emergency Department. Your parents were just brought here via ambulance and it would be good for you to get here as quickly as possible.”  Time stands still, I feel the blood drain out of my face as my heart races. “Marcus, we need to leave.” Tiffany looks at with her brows raised, “Not yet babe,” he doesn’t even glance my way, “Marcus, please, my parents are Mercy General. It’s just an emergency.” He pauses and turns to look at me. Tiffany lets out a laugh, “Your mom is probably just drunk again.” I don’t say anything as Marcus leads me to his truck. Time doesn’t seem to move, every light feels like hours. 

Marcus pulls in front of the emergency room doors. Running inside seems like a blur. “Hello can I help you?” A nurse with short spiky red hair and emerald green eyes pops her head up. My hands shake as I place them on the counter. “My pa...parents are h-h-here…” the nurse hovers her hands over the keyboard in front of her. “Last name?” I swallow hard, “Wilder.” Her eyes lose any emotion. “Please have a seat, the doctor will be with you shortly.” Her tone was soft, calming almost. 

36 square white tiles from my chair to the main door. 76 tiles from my chair to the door this leads back into the emergency room itself. 17 tiles from my chair to the front desk. My mind races, I close my eyes to stop the spinning.

    “You were supposed to be watching her!” my father’s voice was a harsh whisper, hardly heard over the sounds of me whimpering in my mother’s lap. We were sitting in a hospital room. I am cold, wet, and in pain. Flashes of falling swirl through my brain. The doctor tells my parents that my arm is broken. I had fallen down the back steps and into the pool. Leon had pulled me out and called my dad when he found my mom sleeping on the couch. “Katherine.” her voice is soft on my ears. 

The door slowly swings open, my parent's attorney Leon Anthony walks out with a doctor. I stand up and meet them halfway, “Leon, what’s going on,” he sighs and looks at the floor, “Katherine, come sit down.” Part of me already knows what is about to happen. My heart shatters into a million pieces. I start to shake my head as Leon places his hand on my shoulder. “Ms. Wilder,” the doctor kneels down to my eye level, “I want you to know that we tried everything we could, but the damage was just too much and your father died on the operating table and your mom was dead on arrival,” the walls start to close in on me and I feel as if the air was sucked out of my lungs. 

The rain pounds on the concrete as I run into the parking lot, right past my friends in the waiting room. I fall to my knees and Leon helps me to my feet, “I'll take you home.” Home? Do I have one of those now? Tears pour from my eyes but no words or sound escape me. I sit in the front seat of his Lexus. Memories of my parents flash through my head. The house is silent, it's eerie. “Do you want me to stay?” I shake my head and Leon doesn't cross the threshold. “I'll be back tomorrow to handle things. Katherine, I am truly sorry about your loss. Your parents were great people.” 

The tears spill from my eyes again as I make my way to the couch and don't remember falling asleep.

    "Mommy" I call softly looking around for my mother. I push my way into my fathers office. "Daddy, where's mommy?" I look around the office and see a strange man. He smiles brightly at me  

 The unlocking of the door makes me jolt awake. Leon carefully steps in. “Morning, I brought you a donut.” He sets a pastry bag down on the coffee table. “I'm going to be in your father's office, let me know if you need anything.” I look at the donut on the table, “Thanks.” My voice cracks. I stretch and walk slowly towards the kitchen. Coffee, where's the coffee.  I find my mothers favorite mug sitting in its usually spot next to the pot. My hand hovers over it for a second before I decide to use another cup. Once the coffee starts to drip I start to dig around the fridge for some creamer. My eyes land on the bottle of Baileys, I can smell it before even taking the lid off.  It's right next to the French vanilla. My mothers breath always smelt like a mix Baileys and French Vanilla. I grab both bottles and head back to the coffee pot. I make a cup of coffee the same way mom i have watched my mother do it for many years. The first sip burns, but I'm not sure if its from the coffee or the alcohol. 

Days pass and  it's the same thing, Leon locks himself away in the office I remain glued to the couch riding a stolen buzz from spiked coffee. Today there are a few more lawyers than usually. “Katherine,” Leon pops his head into the hallway, I strain to look around the corner, almost falling over the arm of the couch. I hold in a small giggle and Leon looks at me with concern, “Did you know you have an uncle? Your mother has a brother in Alaska.” I nod my head and turn back around on the couch so fast my head spins. The doorbell rings,  “Katherine, can you get that please?” I sigh and slowly stand letting my eyes focus on the floor. The sight of my boyfriend and best friend make my stomach curl. They have only been by twice in the last week. I open the door and Marcus shifts against the door frame. His eyes look me up and down as he crosses his arms across his chest. “I can’t do this anymore Katherine, you’re so wishy-washy lately, one minute you’re ok, the next you’re falling apart,” his words sting at my already broken heart.”Yeah, you’re just not the same person anymore.” Tiffany chimes in, flipping her perfectly golden hair over her shoulder. “I’m sorry,” the words come out as a whisper. “Plus we’re in love.” Tiffany snakes herself around Marcus’s waist. Anger bubbles up inside me, I choke down the venom building in the back of my throat. "That's not a surprise, you two haven't been secretive." Tiffany's face flushes with embarrassment and Marcus stirs uncomfortably. "Just get on with your lives and leave me alone." I close the door leaving them standing in shock. 

Today is the day of the funeral. Rain pours from the sky as people who pretend to know my parents gather around. A pastor drones on about my parents life. “Edward and Lilly were kind and kindred spirits. They would go out of their way to help those in need. Lily was kind, passionate, loving, she spread warmth wherever she went. Edward was a respectable man, he would go out of his way so others wouldn't go without. Together they walk hand and hand with the lord. A tragic accident took away their lives too soon. Together they leave behind their 17 year old daughter Katherine.” A million sets of tear filled eyes land on me. One set I don't fully recognize. I quickly look down at ground letting my hair hide my face. Little did people know, my parents were far from perfect. We led the perfect facade of a happy family. My mom was a closet alcoholic, she would frequently be drunk and passed out on the couch. Sunday mornings always started with mimosas and long days away from the family for dad. By lunch mom was drunk and asleep on the couch. One day she drank too much and didn’t get up, dad took her to the hospital. Since then Dad was always angry, always locked away in his office, always busy. Most nights ended in screaming matches, where the sounds of their harsh voices would eventually lull me to sleep. I was always the chore that nobody wanted to attend too. 

The last car leaves and I'm alone. I stand at the foot of my parents graves. “Hey.” A voice from behind startles me.  Lucas, stands behind me with his hands tucked tightly in the pocket of his jeans. He looks down at the dirt. “I’m sorry, I uh, know what it’s like,” the rain starts to pour. He steps closer so I could hear him. “You are the only one who came,” my voice is a whisper. Lucas looks up expecting to see more people, “Marcus didn’t come?” I shake my head, “He dumped me for Tiffany.” Lucas's face tells me he already knew that. Lucas comes closer and wraps his arms around. For the first time I can’t fight the tears. Feeling completely comfortable in his arms I sob into his chest.  He looks around again, “Do you need a ride?” I glance up and we are the only two people in the entire cemetery, except for a small black car with blacked out windows in the distance. I nod and he leads me to his sports car. 

Leon’s car is parked out front, “Do you want to come in? I think I could use the company.” Lucas nods and we both climb out of the car. Feeling finally in control I grab his hand lightly and lead him to my room. The big bed sits in the middle, it's made perfectly with my purple bed spread. He plops down on the bed and kicks his shoes off. He looks me up and down, “I feel like I should know you better Kat.” I clear my throat, “Katherine, I don't like nicknames. We mingled, never talked, I was with Marcus,” he pulls out a pint of vodka from his pocket, “We could start now, figured we could share this,” he pulls me up next to him, my skin burning from his touch. The antiseptic smell of the vodka makes me want to gag. The burn on my throat feels good. I take a big mouthful and struggle to swallow. Instantly I feel a warming rush take over my body. Lucas stares at me with his soft chocolate brown eyes. “I’ve never realized how pretty you are,” he cocks his head to the side looking me over again. I take another big sip off the bottle before handing it back to him. “You’re kind of pretty too,” laughter bubbles out of me and he laughs too. His hair matches the same style as Marcus, but light brown. He passes the bottle back and I start feeling fuzzy. The edges of my vision are blurred. No longer able to handle the sizzling between us I jerk myself away from him and sit up. “Hey what's wrong?” he sits up next to me. I chew on my lip, biting a little too hard as the taste of rust takes over my tastebuds. “I’m alone, it's just me now,” he wraps his arm around me. “You aren’t alone, I’m here. It doesn’t go away, but eventually it gets easier,” tears fill my eyes as anger builds inside me. I snatch the bottle from his hands and finish what is left. “I just want to wake up and this all be a dream,” he nods his head and grabs my chin pulling my face towards his. I fall into his brown eyes, swimming in his pool of raw emotion. Slowly he starts to  lean in, I close my eyes and smash my lips into his, My body ignites. He pushes me down on the bed and slides my shirt off. Our tongues meet as we both struggle out of our pants. Each kiss is hungrier than the last, every movement more aggressive. Finally free of our clothes he pulls me into him. 

“Katherine, are you in there?” Leon knocks on my door lightly. The sky is grey with rain clouds and my brain pounds against my skull. Shivers run the length of my naked body. What happened last night.  I look around on the floor and there is a pile of clothes that don't belong to me. Lying next to me, snoring softly, also naked, is Lucas. The pint of vodka lies empty at the foot of the bed. “Katherine?” Leon knocks again. “Just a second!” the sound of my voice startles Lucas, “Morning beautiful,” he stretches and rolls over not ashamed of his manhood. He sits next to me with a goofy grin on his face. We both get dressed, I open the door and push into the hallway before Leon has a chance to see Lucas standing naked in my room. “Uh…”  Lucas opens the door and pushes out next to me. His shirt is in his hand. Leon looks back and forth at us both taking in what he sees before clearing his voice,  “Katherine, your uncle is here,” he walks down the hall to the office. I drag my feet following him, not really wanting to step foot in there. “Hello Katherine,” my uncle's voice sends flashbacks of my childhood through my head. “Your Uncle has offered for you to come live with him.” My head swirls, my stomach turns. "Please pack your things. I walk back to my room and find Lucas sitting on my bed, "did you hear?" he nods his head slowly. I sit next to him, resting my head on his shoulder. "Maybe I should go." Sadness pools in his eyes as he slips his shirt on over his head. He pauses at the door as if he is waiting for me to say something. He sighs and opens the door. I grab his hand pulling him back into me. 

Lucas stays over the next few days, hardly leaving my bed. For once I feel in control of my life. Some piece of me feels bad for using Lucas to make me feel in control of my life. Tonight, after Leon leaves we break into my fathers secrete liquor cabinet. I grab the glass canter of brown liquid. The whiskey is much stronger than the vodka. Choking it down is hard. My head swirls as I pull both of us into the oversized bathtub. The hot water was almost a shock as we both laugh and push the water out of our faces. His hands grab me and he pulls me into him. His lips meeting mine with a burning desire. Giving into lust fills me with euphoria. The alcohol numbs the pain of the hole in my heart and sex fills the void in my soul. What does this mean for my future? Will I always just want fill the void or does it heal? I guess only time can tell.  

There's something about being 30,000 feet off the ground that makes you question your entire existence; it also could be the fact that I buried my parents less than 36 hours ago. My fat uncle sits next to me with his head pressed tightly against the wall of the airplane. Most of his face hides behind a beard. He's a big burly man and  you can tell that many years living in one of the coldest cities in America has hardened him. Thats where I’m going, Fairbanks Alaska, a frozen wasteland. My parents were both in a tragic car accident that claimed both of their lives. My uncle has allowed me to come live with him and his family in Alaska. Only about three hours left on this plane, we just left Seattle. 

Have you ever reached a point where you weren't sure who were anymore, that everything you once thought you knew turned out to be a lie. Friendships are an illusion. People say they care but they don’t. People say call me if you need anything, but they won’t answer. Life is made of broken promises and fake smiles. Why is it when you need people the most they turn their backs on you. No one batted an eye when I said I was moving. I grew up in a big house in a big neighborhood. Everyone drove nice cars and wore fancy clothes. Looking at my uncle sitting next to me in his stained up jeans, my life is about to change. I’ve always been shy and reserved but I feel like a recluse. 

A frozen waste land was probably the perfect description of the place I just landed. Most of the trees are short and bare unlike the majestic redwoods of California. Snow covers everything, the trees, the roads, cars, lights, buildings. The temperature on the thermostat says -35. My body instantly turns cold. “Come on Katherine, Rachel should be outside.” Rachel is my cousin I haven’t seen since we were both in middle school. She was awkward and nerdy, wore glasses, hair slicked back into a ponytail. Her once blonde hair, dyed jet black. My uncle puts my two bags in the back of the beat up old pickup truck. Rachel jumps out of the driver seat. “Hey.” She said Coolly as she opened the truck door.  Her eyes have thick black makeup on them and her nose and lip is pierced. She scoots to the middle seat making room for me next to her. “Come on its cold.” The street lights all flicker on as the sun sets beyond the Horizon.  

The house is ugly brown, not really well taken care of; or at least that's what the outside portrays. The front door opens up into the living room. On the other side is the kitchen. My uncle's bedroom sits directly next to it with a bathroom to the far left. Inside to the right is a staircase. Right at the top of the stairs is my room. A small little room with a door on the right that leads to a small balcony. To the left is another door that leads into a closet, which the closet has three doors. The one that leads to my room, one to Rachel's room and one to the bathroom.  Rachel's room is huge, it's basically the size of the living room down stairs. Most of my clothes are dirty so I don't bother unpacking them. I've been gone from California for nearly 48 hours and now I'm just here, all alone. 

Does anyone know what its like to feel completely alone? Even around people you have known for years but know that they don’t give a damn about what’s going on inside. That even when you feel you’re at your best you can’t seem to do anything right. Everything you do just doesn’t work out. You try your hardest and still fail. And no one is there to pick back up the broken  pieces. Loneliness is a horrible thing. It’s a cold feeling. No one should ever have to feel lonely.  It consumes you slowly shaking you.

The laundromat is a dingy little hole in the wall type place. There's no sign indicating that you are here. The open sign hangs lopsided by one lonely little chain that you can hardly see through the ice frosted window. The window that looks inside shows ugly green, brown and blue walls with beat up ugly grey washers sitting side by side by side. Fake plants line the tops of them and I am completely dreading going inside. I sigh while glancing over at my uncle. He chuckles full heartedly while scratching his long lumberjack beard. “Sorry kid, this is what we got.” He hands me thirty dollars, “Just give me a call when your dryer has 15 minutes left.” I take a deep breath and let it out quickly. “Thanks uncle.” I grab the door handle and brace myself for the cold air  that's about to attack my face, lungs and fingers. I quickly grab my two duffel bags of laundry out of the backseat before shuffling my way inside. 

Inside was much worse then I could have imagined. Just inside the door is a water fill up stations. Really, how can people live like this. It smells like cheap laundry soap and dirty people. Half of the washers are taken. Every other one has poorly written ‘out of order’ signs taped to them. Finally I find a washer that's open, a 50lbs washer. I look at the dingy washer before shoving my clothes in. I carefully read the instructions, and before you ask. Yes, I know how to do laundry.  Just not in one of these. Shoving everything I own in two washers makes me feel a little sad. I'm pretty far from home and I'm alone. Though I don't need someone to hold my hand, the loneliness can be deafening. Turning to go the counter to get the tokens needed for the washer to work I catch a glimpse of someone staring at me from behind. A boy probably close to my age, leaning against the wall. He's got oil stained baggy jeans on, a black pullover hoodie with the hood up and a carhartt coat on over that with a cheesy expression on his face. I turn to him, and with a snarky tone ask, “Can I help you?” His smile grows wider, “Oh I wish.” He chuckles lightly. Making an about face I turn bitting my lip and head to get my tokens. When I get back to my washer he was gone. Stupid boys, who does he think he is? Though, I can't help the way looking at him stirs something inside of me. For the next forty-five minutes I sit in a hard plastic chair with my headphones in.