75. Hope (Part 1 - Author's Note)

Of course, I didn’t get any sleep before my shift in the tower. My head is one useless mess of conflicting emotions.

The full moon is tomorrow, at any moment the Rogues and Mireille could appear. All I can think about is the fact that my wolf raged in jealous fury for Ryan.

My mate. The one I should be fighting for. Who I know doesn't suit my personality and desires.

Who could arrive any day now. Or not. I could be left in limbo.

I could have killed her. My control was so limited when I grabbed her neck, my wolf’s fury pressing me to take it further and further to protect our bond. It’s terrifying.

Mainly because there is a tiny seed of fear growing in my mind. What if Ryan is the one to stop me turning into someone violent and cruel? I never hit people before? I didn't swear to kill and get bloody revenge on leaders. Have I unravelled because of being underground or because I've lost sight of my mate?

Stil, being an utterly callous bitch theae days, I used the last of my waning strength to drag the unconscious Vera out of my room by her ankles. Dumping her in the corridor I slammed the door shut and lay down on my bed again and tried to control my breathing.

Adrenalin fading, all that remained was a pounding headache and a whirlwind of guilt.

Even now, my wolf is cagy, unashamed of their actions. Yet underground, my wolf longed for Cal too. Was it just survival for my inner spirit, have we used Cal to get through the Freeze without even realising?

Cal. Just sounding out his name in my mouth feels right. Ryan still feels clunky, a foreign language to my tongue.

Could I ever watch as Ryan seduced somebody new, free and single? I’ve been so arrogant. I never even considered what he would do after being rejected. I was intending to sail off merrily into Cal’s arms. Live by the sea and swing joyously in a hammock.

But the idea of him doing the same with someone like Vera had me foaming with rage?

I urgently, desperately need to get a grip.

At some point during the afternoon, Vera must wake up and silently slink away because the next sound I hear, startling me out of a restless doze, is my father. The sun has long since set. It’s time to try avoiding freezing to death at the top of a tower for a night.

My father’s bright red fur makes him look ridiculous. The hat on his head almost blended in with his fiery copper hair. He points at me before shushing any mockery with an ageing smile.

Climbing the stone spiral staircase, my blood chilled the higher we ascended.

Finally, we breached the surface, and my lungs ceased functioning for a few sharp, painful breaths. A stone turret, only a few metres square completely open to the freezing wind and cold. But that sky. Even my father stopped for a second to gaze upwards.

The darkest night but a never-ending sea of glittering stars above. Not a cloud in the sky to obscure the dark beauty of the frozen north.

The only sounds were below us in the courtyard, men preparing for tomorrow’s bonfire. My father produced a metal pail and kindling, and together, we tried to fashion a fire.

Watching the flames whip away to nothing for the tenth time, his stern face cracked, and even I had to laugh. Instead, he wrapped his red furry arms around me and my huge black coat. My back against his chest, we stood together, his chin on my shoulder.

“You look like a mutated red squirrel,” I joke and enjoy feeling his chest rumble with amusement.

His huge body absorbed the wind. My hands wrapped around my waist, my mittens resting on his broad arms. Like I used to do as a girl, watching the stormy tides come in at Filney.

I puffed out my cheeks. Even the beauty of the night doesn’t clear my head. There is only one thing for it.

“Papa…Did Cal tell you anything, what his reason was for leaving? It’s killing me not knowing.”

He softly wiped a tear from my cheek.

“Everything’s changed. I was so certain, so certain of myself before this place.”

He tapped against my hand twice for a yes. “You agree? That I’m not the same?”

Another two taps. Here goes nothing.

“Losing Mama, finding Ryan, I think I thought one would fix the other. Like having this perfect mate bond to pour my heart, all that aimless love into. I’ve been pinballing from one thing to the next. Hurting from Mama, hurting from Ryan being so fucking clueless about leaving me. Cal…he was so brilliant. Is so brilliant.”

I got an exhale of breath and squeeze from my father. I stopped talking.

Silently, we continuously scanned the horizon, the black void yielding no changes as time ticked by. But as always, being with my silent confessor made truths tumble from me.

“You wanted me to stay with Ryan.”

One tap. No. I tilted my head, unable to see him as I kept watch on the horizon.

“You accept I’m going to reject him?” although now didn’t seem the time to mention my episode of madness with Vera earlier.

Two taps. Yes.

“Hmm. So what, Cal’s not good enough for me?” I ask sarcastically, rolling my eyes at the idea a man like Cal wouldn’t be everything a girl could wish for.

Two taps. Despite the biting cold, my stomach dropped a few degrees lower. “What? He’s not good enough?”

One damning tap. “Write it down, I can’t guess this out of you.”

He sighed, his fiery ginger and grey head ducking to reveal a white envelope. “This is from you?” I check.

He nods and then takes off down the stone staircase. I guess I’m set for a night on my own, after all. Sitting down on the pail, I attempt to keep as much of my body out of the biting wind as possible.

Afraid of losing his letter, I take off my mittens and grip the paper tightly, slowly unfolding his words.

—

My darling Hope,

I fear you are blinded by Cal. Charm fades, darling. Courage, self-determination, and loyalty do not. He is missing too many elements.

Hope, two lost people, will only drown each other in their struggles. We didn’t return to Filney for a reason. Your Mama believed your talent needed to be shown to the world. Not stuck keeping house for a fisherman. He is a boy imagining what it means to be an Alpha.

Just be careful with your heart, my darling girl, for no beam can heal scars placed there.

Forgive me. Your ever-loving Papa

—

I'm winded and dizzy. Punch drunk with the disappointment in every sentence..