Chapter 5

5 - Mia Lauren Hudson

But if you have someone who will be there for you, someone you can count on, you'll be okay. Do you have someone like that?

- How I Met Your Mother

Kayla and I were sitting in a café near NewScene. I was swallowing hot coffee to try to ease the cold feeling in my gut. I wasn't sure if it was because of the snow outside or the decision I had to make in a few hours.

I was both euphoric and regretful. I knew I shouldn't be there, shouldn't be disobeying Bradley, and I had never confronted him before. It made me wonder which version of him I would face when I returned. Of all the versions my husband had, none were understanding or kind—he was just... Bradley.

"What are you thinking about?" My friend's voice pulled me out of my thoughts. I just shook my head, denying that it was anything.

Kayla was the only person I had left and trusted completely, but she hated my husband, and I knew that talking about him at that moment wouldn't help either of us. But my friend knew me...

"I don't understand why you put up with this crap." Irritation laced her voice.

I looked at her. Her eyes, as blue as a summer morning, stared at me seriously, her platinum hair tinged with blue and white accusing me that I should say something.

"He's my husband, Kayla," I said, as if that would lessen the pain in my heart when he didn't fulfill his role.

"That's exactly it." She folded her hands on the table. "He's your husband, but he's not your owner. You're submissive to him, and you know it."

I let out a long sigh.

It wasn't exactly like that. I wasn't submissive to anyone. I was just afraid of what he might do if I didn't follow his orders. I was just... Submissive?

"You don't understand." I set my coffee aside. "I can't get out of this. I got married to be with him forever, and I... I love him." I lowered my eyes.

I saw her shake her head and let out a long sigh.

She couldn't blame me for loving him. No one should blame anyone for loving someone; we have no choice when it comes to that. All we have is the sensation of our hearts beating faster every time their name is mentioned.

"You need to be happy." Her voice was sincere. "Seriously, Lauren, do you think you'll be happy with him?" she pressed. "You can't be happy with someone who abuses you."

What?

"What?" My thoughts escaped through my lips. "Bradley never hit me. I would never allow that."

A short smile appeared on her lips.

"He never hit you, but he doesn't let you cut your hair." I had always wanted to cut my hair. "He never hit you, but he doesn't let you paint your nails a dark color." I had always wanted to paint my nails black. And Kayla continued: "He never hit you, but you have to ask for permission every time you go out, you have to feel afraid when you're near him. He never hit you physically, Lauren, but I bet your heart is covered in bruises from the cold words that come out of his mouth. And don't try to make excuses for all of this because there are none."

And I didn't have any. I never understood why he deprived me of everything that made me happy, I never understood why it seemed to give him pleasure to see my eyes well up with tears.

"And what do you suggest I do?" I licked my lips and looked into her eyes. "That I cheat on him?"

"That's no different from what he does to you." Her words came out quickly, like knives finding my heart.

I knew Bradley was with other women, I knew he had never been faithful to me, but hearing it from someone else, from the most honest person in the world, made the pain worse. I had never been enough for him, even though I didn't understand why. I did everything for my husband, everything he asked, I did. But it seemed he cared more about the actresses at his studio than about me.

I wished I didn't feel bad, wished I could see everything Kayla always showed me and try to be happy again, but that would go against my character, and I couldn't. I was born to be the wife of one man. I waited for one man. I loved only one man.

"Um... I'm sorry, Lauren," my friend said, realizing her words had caused me to drift off into thought.

"No, Kayla. Everything's fine," I said, my standard phrase, but without truth. "I'm going to love myself now. I'm going to try to see something beyond how I am less than anyone else."

She just didn't understand that I had been trying for a long time, but I couldn't. Fighting against feelings is knowing for sure that in this war, you will come out defeated, lost, and damaged.

"Well, I have to go." I didn't want to prolong the conversation and looked at the clock. "It's almost time." I smiled.

A big smile also appeared on my friend's face, and she stood up to me.

"I wish you the best, my Lauren." She held my shoulders. "I hope you fly and get up after every fall you encounter, but never, under any circumstances, give up on yourself, give up on being who you are. And you are not this scared girl; you are a great woman. You are Mia Lauren." Then she hugged me.

I choked back the tears in my throat. I loved feeling special, liked it when people said something good about me, and it had been so long since I'd heard anything like that that those words motivated me.

"Now go." Kayla kissed my cheek. "Go and conquer your own world and believe in yourself."

So I went.

And it was surprising to be met with the most incredible pair of blue eyes I'd ever seen. It was surprising to know I was special and beautiful, and even more surprising was that my heart danced. It was seeing unknown feelings invade the windows of pain in my heart.