Chapter 5

5 - Mia Lauren Hudson

"But if you have someone who will be there for you, someone you can count on, you'll be fine. Do you have someone like that?"

- How I Met Your Mother

Kayla and I were sitting in a café near NewScene. I was downing hot coffee, trying to ease the cold knot in my gut. I wasn’t sure if it was the snow outside or what I’d soon decide in the next few hours.

I was euphoric and, at the same time, filled with regret. I knew I shouldn’t be there; I shouldn’t disobey Bradley. I had never gone against his word, and that thought made me wonder which version of him would greet me when I returned. Of all the versions of my husband, none of them were understanding or kind. He was just... Bradley.

"What are you thinking about?" my friend's voice pulled me from my thoughts. I merely shook my head, implying it was nothing.

Kayla was the only person I had left, the one person I trusted completely. But she hated my husband, and I knew bringing him up right now wouldn’t help either of us. But my friend knew me too well...

"I don’t understand why you insist on this crap." Annoyance broke through in her voice.

I looked at her. Her summer morning blue eyes fixed on mine, her platinum-blonde hair streaked with blue and white accusing me, wordlessly demanding I say something.

"He’s my husband, Kayla," I said, as though that would diminish the ache in my heart whenever he failed to play his part.

"Exactly." She crossed her hands over the table. "He’s your husband, not your owner. You’re submissive to him, and you know it."

I let out a long sigh.

It wasn’t quite like that. I wasn’t submissive to anyone. I was just afraid of what he might do when I didn’t follow his orders. I was just... submissive?

"You don’t understand." I pushed the coffee aside. "I can’t leave this. I got married for forever, and I... I love him." I lowered my gaze.

She shook her head, exhaling deeply.

She couldn’t blame me for loving him. Nobody should blame anyone for loving someone; we have no choice when it comes to that. All we have is the feeling of our heart racing every time their name is spoken.

"You need to be happy," she said honestly. "Seriously, Lauren, do you think you’ll ever be happy with him?" She pressed on. "You can’t be happy with someone who violates you."

What?

"What?" The word escaped my lips along with my thoughts. "Bradley has never hit me. I’d never allow that."

A short smile played on her lips.

"He’s never hit you, but he doesn’t let you cut your hair"—I’d always wanted to cut my hair—"He’s never hit you, but he doesn’t let you paint your nails dark"—I’d always wanted to paint them black. Kayla continued: "He’s never hit you, but you have to ask for permission every time you go out. You’re afraid when he’s near. No, Bradley has never hit you physically, Lauren, but I bet your heart is covered in bruises from the cold words that come out of his mouth. And don’t make excuses for all this, because there aren’t any."

And I didn’t have any. I never understood why he deprived me of everything that made me happy. I never understood why it seemed to bring him pleasure to see my eyes fill with tears.

"And what do you suggest I do?" I moistened my lips and met her gaze. "That I cheat on him?"

"It’s no different from what he does to you," she said quickly, like knives stabbing my heart.

I knew Bradley saw other women. I knew he had never been faithful to me. But hearing it from someone else, from the most honest person I knew, made the pain unbearable. I was never enough for him, and I didn’t understand why. I did everything for my husband—everything he asked for. Yet it seemed like he cared more about the actresses in his studio than me.

I didn’t want to feel bad; I wanted to see what Kayla had always tried to show me and to try being happy again. But it cut into my character, and I just couldn’t. I was born to be the woman of one man only. I had waited for just one man. I had loved only one man.

"Uh... I’m sorry, Lauren," my friend said when she saw me spiraling into my thoughts.

"No, Kayla. It’s fine." I said my usual line, void of truth. "I’m going to love myself now. I’ll try to see something beyond how small I feel compared to everyone else."

She just didn’t understand that I’d been trying for a long time, but I couldn’t. Fighting feelings is knowing, with certainty, that you’ll emerge from the war defeated, lost, and damaged.

"Well, I need to go," I said, glancing at my watch. "It’s time." I smiled.

A wide smile also graced my friend’s face, and she rose to meet me.

"I hope everything goes well, my Lauren," she said, holding my shoulders. "I hope you rise and keep rising after every fall you face. But never, under any circumstances, give up on yourself or on being who you are. And you’re not this scared girl—you’re an incredible woman. You’re Mia Lauren." Then she hugged me.

I held back the sob trapped in my throat. I loved feeling special. I loved when people said good things about me. It had been so long since I’d heard anything like that, and her words moved me.

"Now go." Kayla kissed my cheek. "Go, conquer your world, and believe in yourself."

And so I went.

And it was surprising to see the most incredible pair of blue eyes I had ever seen in my life. It was surprising to realize I was special and beautiful. And more surprising than that was my heart dancing. It was as if unknown feelings had swept into the windows of pain in my heart.