Chapter 1 - Selena

I have never understood the saying ‘Heaven on Earth.’ I know that I am in my own living hell. Ever since my mother walked out on me and my dad when I was five years old, life has been a struggle. I cannot even count how many times that I went to bed hungry. The only meals I would get would be at school. I may have been too young to understand a lot of things, but I knew that my life was not like the other kids in my class. My clothes were always too small or dirty. The kids were always so cruel to me in school because of my appearance. There were more times that I care to remember of just hiding in the closet in the classroom during lunch because I was the only one without anything to eat.

I was laying on my small bed just staring up at the ceiling. How could I have ended up living a life like this. I am eighteen years old, and I have no way out of this life. I will never understand how a mother walks away from her only child. I understand, after living with my dad, as to why she would walk away from him, but not me. If I am ever blessed to get out of here and become a mother, I would never do that to my child. My child would always feel loved and wanted, which was something I truly have never felt.

Dad would often come home late at night, stumbling and slurring his words. I would have to clean up his messes and make sure he got into bed. If he had a bad night, he would become very angry and needed someone to take it out on. I would have to bear the brunt of his anger. Things started to get worse when dad became involved with the mafia. It was his way of working off his gambling debts. I was always worried that one day, dad wouldn't come home because he had gotten into deep with the wrong people. Maybe it should have happened and then I could have gone into foster care. Foster care would have to be better than the living conditions that I was in now. I sometimes felt bad for thinking that because he is the only family I have, no matter how bad he can be. My mother was not much better if she could walk out of me when I was so young.

I was trying to take my high school courses online to graduate. I was too embarrassed to go to school. It was getting harder to hide the bruises. If Dad had too much to drink or lost big gambling, I bore the brunt of his anger. I was currently nursing some bruised ribs. I needed to rest, but I couldn’t afford to miss working at the local bodega. That was the only thing keeping food on the table. I had to hide what money I could, or Dad would gamble it away.

Dad either drank or gambled all of the money away. He didn’t work due to an “injury” he received on one of his jobs, so he relied on disability checks. I was able to do odd jobs around the neighborhood to make some money. I would have to hide it or my dad would take it from me. I never had clothes that fit, and I had gotten tired of the bullies at school making fun of me. Online was the best and quickest way to get my diploma. I had to go to the library when I could to complete my assignments. The library was two bus rides away from our small apartment in the Bronx. I had to save up money for a bus pass just so I could get to and from the library. I never felt like I could get ahead. I felt like I was meant to live this miserable life.

I had pulled a double shift at the bodega because I really needed the money. The cupboards were getting pretty bare. I had begged Mr. Antoine to take home some of the expired canned food. He would not normally do that, but he felt sorry for me. He knew what I had to deal with at home. Everyone in the neighborhood knew what my father was like. They did what they could for me but would never call social services because of his ties to the mafia. They were too scared of the repercussions that they would face. I have wished so many times that they would get past that fear and make that call. I suppose I was still thankful that they gave me odd jobs and food when they could to help me survive.

I had put a little bit of money aside to buy some new shoes. The ones I was wearing had holes in them and my feet were killing me at the end of the day. I would have to go by the thrift store tomorrow. I had to take one of my school exams at the library and the thrift store was on the way home. Only a few more courses and I would finally have my diploma. Maybe I could finally leave this hell I called home once I had that piece of paper.

As I was trying to finish up my last school assignment for English, I heard the front door slam. I had hoped I had more time alone before Dad walked in, most likely drunk and barely able to stand. I was too exhausted to deal with him tonight. I am so close to finishing my diploma and I need to get out of here. As Dad’s drinking has gotten worse the beatings had gotten worse as well. I was scared for my life at times.

I took a deep breath and walked into the living room. I had no idea what I could be walking into. I stopped in my tracks when I saw two very large men with my dad. This could not be a good sign.