Chapter 10: RYDER

I let the water run down over me in the shower in the hopes that it would wash away whatever this was that I was feeling. It was the only place where I could be alone these days. Ever since that night that I'd rushed out of the house to go lick my wounds after listening to her song, Janie has been on my ass like stink on shit.

Since I refused to answer her questions and she still had no idea where I'd gone or what I'd been doing, she's become even more neurotic than ever. I've been in hell ever since that night, vacillating between happiness, anger, relief, and uncertainty.

I was proud of her, of course, though I had to keep it hidden. I must be the only human being on earth who wasn't allowed to show his true feelings one way or the other about her chart-topping song.

I knew it was about me; how could I not? Everybody knew it was about me unless they lived under a rock. And even though she'd ripped me to shreds with her words, I can never forget the way it felt to see her again.

She looked amazing, absolutely gorgeous, but then again, she's always been that. I was just happy to lay my eyes on her again since she's been punishing me for the past three years by keeping herself hidden away from me.

I always wonder about what she was thinking, what she'd felt that day I pissed both our lives away. I've heard from everyone else except her until now, and I've got to be honest with you, I wish I never knew. Hearing her so poignantly explain what exactly I'd done to her in a room full of people who were all staring daggers at me, I had no doubt, had been as uncomfortable as the human experience could get.

I knew the words; I had been going over and over them in my head ever since the song's release. But watching her perform, and hearing the fear that had been in her voice in the beginning, had brought it all home to me, and I started having second thoughts about even attending the event.

Janie had tried to talk me out of it, and maybe that's the reason I'd insisted. Anything to thwart her, to make her suffer for being a part of this, but I didn't know it would be this bad. I had no idea that anything could work its way through the cacophony of narcotics I had coursing through my system.

I thought I would be numb; I believed I needed to be to get through the night, I'd prepared myself, but somehow, she'd still crushed me. I wanted to get up and go backstage to her. Those few minutes on stage weren't enough. I needed to hear from her own lips how she was doing.

I wanted one more chance to look into her eyes before the night was over. I wanted so much, but in the end, Janie's fingers that had dug into me like talons had kept me in place. I couldn't make a scene, and besides, I'm pretty sure that once she left the stage, all eyes in the building were on me.

I didn't go to any after-parties, which was new for me. Any place where there was sure to be booze and drugs were like a magnet to me. But tonight, I didn't feel like it, something that pissed Janie off no end.

It's pretty well known that she's nothing without me. That most people just tolerate her presence when I'm not there. Plus, I guess she knew better than to step foot out the door since the song hadn't been too kind to her either if you listened between the lines.

Yeah, maybe that's the real reason she'd chosen to come back with me instead of going off with her friends, which was something she'd done in the past. Fuck, I don't want to think about her or how she's doing, I only want to think about Elena.

I'd long stopped listening, only to the words that seemed to claim she no longer loved me. Even at my highest, something deep inside of me told me that what we shared was real. It's the kind of love that no distance or time could ever change. Until I'd fucked it all up, of course. But even then, some part of me knew and believed that we would always belong to each other.

That kind of love cannot easily be replaced. Our hearts are bound to each other in a way that nothing could ever break, no earthly power anyway. But when I started paying attention to the rest of the song, the words that spoke of her hurt and trauma, I felt like more of a monster than in the first days after the incident.

Listening to her pour her heart out live and right in front of me had added more substance to the words, and the way she'd looked at me at the beginning of the song seemed to drive each word directly into my soul.

Water turned into tears on my cheeks as I slammed my hands into the marble walls of the shower, head bent, knees about to give out in weakness as I relived every moment of that performance.

If I don't get to talk to her soon, I think I'll go out of my mind. I need to talk to her, to tell her that this was all a big mistake. Something that I'd done in anger had snowballed and become this major clusterfuck that it is today. "I'm coming, Elena. I'll make my way back to you no matter what it takes."

***

JANIE

"I'm losing him, dad. I can feel it. Help me, do something. Call her."

"Okay, I will, I will, but you need to calm down. You'll do none of us any good if you lose your way at this point. It was just one night anyway; what makes you think...."

"I was there, sitting right next to him, dad. I felt it. He's not over her. And the way that he looked at her...."

"Wasn't he high? How the hell did he even know what was going on anyway? And why did you let him talk you in to going there in the first place?"

"I don't know, dad; how was I supposed to stop him?" Why is everything always left up to me? As if I was the only one benefiting from this union.

"Is that it? Or was it that you wanted her to see you two together? Were you trying to flaunt your relationship? Huh, is that it? Is that why we're dealing with this bullshit now?"

"None of that is important right now, dad; we need to do something. Call Mary: she'll know what to do."

"Okay, okay, I'll get right on it." My hand shook as I hung up the phone.

I started chewing away on my nails before I remembered that I wasn't allowed to do that anymore. There were so many things to remember these days, and none of this was anything like I expected it to be. All I wanted to do was marry my crush and live happily ever after. But nothing was turning out the way it was supposed to.

I can't erase the look on his face and the way he reacted to her tonight from my mind. Every time I close my eyes, I can still see it. The mesmerized look on his face as he sat transfixed in a room full of people who were sure to be watching for his every move.

Dad was right; we should never have gone there. But Ryder had threatened to go with or without me, and there was no way in hell I was about to let that happen. I can barely keep the two of them apart even without them seeing each other in three years, and I was going to let them be in the same space together. Not bloody likely.

I'd wanted to rub it in her face, wanted to see her pained look of destruction. She'd robbed me of that these past years, and I wanted my pound of flesh. I'd gone overboard in the days after our wedding, only to learn later that the bitch had sworn off social media. She hadn't seen any of the candid photos I'd paid the paparazzi to take of Ryder and me every time we left the house.

Tonight was going to be my chance. Ryder was so high he wasn't going to be aware of much. I planned to just hang all over him; that's why I'd made sure we were seated front and center of the stage. But that, too, had backfired on me.

Ryder wasn't too drugged up to be alert to her presence, and it was made very obvious by the way he'd stared at her like he was a starving man in front of a buffet. It was the most alive he's been since days before our wedding day. Everyone had seen it, I'm sure of it; I'd heard enough whispers and twitters during and after the show to know that much.

Now it feels as if all my hard work had been in vain. No, I won't let her win, not after everything that I'd been through. All the hate I'd received in the beginning, all the snide remarks thrown my way in person and online still reverberated in my brain to this day.

Things had only just calmed down when that bitch decided that she was going to be a singer again. Everyone was all excited, and no one would talk about anything else. Her fucking song just had to top the charts and have her name on everyone's tongue, and of course, it all swung right back to our past.

Now everyone was back to staring at me and whispering behind their hands wherever I went. That sickening fear that had dogged my heels from day one was back in full force, and I was not sure what my next move should be.

Before I could think better of it, I picked up Ryder's phone and made a tweet about our love for each other. Next, I moved over to his Insta and posted one of our pictures from the award show and captioned it with 'Me and my Wife enjoying the show."

The comments came in quickly, and I started to calm down when I saw the love from our fans. If nothing else, I can always count on them to uplift me when things get too rough. I looked around in my purse for my pills and dosed myself for some added courage, and felt better in minutes as the drug worked its way through my system.

I felt lethargic in seconds, followed by a nice buzz that made me feel warm and alive. The one drawback about these pills is that they make me horny, and I live with a man that won't touch me even if I do handstands in front of him while naked.

Tears of anguish ran furiously down my cheeks, and I pounded the cushion in pent-up anger as I screamed out my frustration. "What the fuck are you doing?" My head came up and around at the sound of Ryder's voice coming from somewhere on my left.

I looked down in the direction his gaze had been locked and saw the damage I'd done to the cushions. When did I pick up the knife?