As for the past mornings, I let him have his own private moments in my study until he came to me. He never told me anything about it. I had a feeling he knew that I saw him looking at our picture, but he never asked me about it, so I kept quiet. It wasn’t my place to ask him about it. Rai, Damian, and I.. We all had our secrets, even five years ago. But we never pushed each other to tell those secrets. It was one of my many regrets though. I should’ve asked Rai about his secret.
“Damian.. If five years ago I pushed Rai, or maybe even you, into telling me about Rai’s secret, would it change anything?” I asked him as he settled himself on the dining table.
“It wouldn't, Baby girl. Rai wouldn’t have told you, and as much as I wanted to tell you, I couldn’t. I had promised Rai not to tell you,” he said matter-of-factly as he sipped his coffee.
“I still wish he’d told me. I would’ve had more time with him then.” I sighe
“Hi, mom. So sorry, did we interrupt lunch?” I kissed Rai’s mom’s cheeks as we arrived. “It’s okay, dear. Leah is taking a nap at the moment. We have prepared lunch for you and Damian.” She kissed my cheeks back. “Damian, please put little Rai’s things in our bedroom. And do join us after.” They exchanged kisses. “Mommy!” Little Rai ran to me when he saw us approaching. I hugged him so hard that he wriggled away from me. “I’ve missed you, honey. How have you been? Have you been a good boy to grandma and grandpa?” I looked at him and kissed his forehead. I’ve missed my little boy so much. “I miss you too, Mommy. I’ve been good. You can ask grandma and grandpa.” He smiled boyishly at me. “Let’s eat and tell Mommy what you’ve been doing with grandma and grandpa.” I led him back to the dining table, kissing Rai’s dad’s cheeks as
Something about Damian? Could it be that she wanted to tell me about the reasons that made Damian change?I drew back from hugging Rai's mom and looked at her expectantly.She smiled softly at me and went to take my hands in hers."When Rai passed away, he left everything to you.." Rai's mom started her sentence, and I gasped at the information."Rai left everything to me?" I asked her, not believing it. I knew Rai was rich on his own, not from his parents, so to know that he gave me everything was.. shocking."Yes, dear. He wanted you to have everything.. Including his apartment in the US. Would you accept it?" she asked still with her soft smile."No.. I can't accept it, Mom. I can't.." I said as I shook my head. I didn't want Rai's money, apartment, or everything else he left me."That was what Damian told us when we first heard Rai's
Walking through the mall, many people told me how cute and handsome little Rai was and how he looked like his daddy, Damian. I guessed attractive men and children looked alike. We just thanked them, not even bohtering to correct them. Little Rai was so happy with all the compliments that he started to call Damian ‘Daddy’. I tried to tell him not to, but he was so happy that I couldn’t say no. Instead, I told him he could only call Damian ‘Daddy’ for today, and he agreed. Damian was also okay with it. Seeing little Rai and Damian happy made me happy too. Being with Cole, I was never this happy. He was just there at the right time, filling a void that Rai and Damian had lef
“Damian, do we have any meetings today?” I asked him in the morning the day before we went to Bali.“Just one, a lunch meeting.” He, as usual, was washing the dishes from our breakfast.“Can I not go? I want to go see Rai.” I needed to see Rai just to let him know that I was going to Bali with Damian.He glanced at me and resumed washing the dishes. Since he heard my conversation with Rai’s mom, he was still mostly quiet and yes, still distant. He seldom touched me too. It made me scared. What if he couldn’t love me back? What if me being there for him wouldn’t be enough? What if I couldn’t stand him being distant and left him again instead?“I’ll ask my driver to drive you. What time?” He sat beside me after finishing the dishes, interrupting my thoughts.“We can go together. You can drop me off
“Hello, Rai. How are you?” I asked him as I placed a similar-looking red and white rose bouquet that I had brought for him the first time I went to see him.“I’m here today to tell you something..” I started.“Rai, I love you. You know that, right? But you are not here anymore. Your mom told me that it’ll be okay for me to be with Damian, but I don’t know if I deserve him. He asked me to go to Bali with him. What do you think, Rai? Can I go to Bali with him?” I stopped for a while, not really knowing what else to say.“I know you wrote that I should be happy with him, but the guilt that I feel, Rai.. It’s not something that I can just shake off. You were sick, yet I added more to your pain. Tell me how to get rid of this guilt, Rai,” I whispered to his tombstone.“Now Damian has changed.. A lot. Most of the time, he would j
“Baby girl, are you okay?” I could hear Damian’s voice from behind me. I looked back and saw him squatting down. I didn’t know how long he’d been there or how long I’d been crying. He sat down on one of the seats and pulled me, so I sat on his lap. “Damian, what are you doing here?” My body settled against his. It felt good to be in his arms, even when he was pulling himself away from me. I would always feel better whenever I was in his arms. "I’ve finished my meeting and couldn’t reach you.” He started to caress my arms and my back. “Oh my God. I’m so sorry, Damian. I didn’t know.” I quickly took my phone from my bag and checked all the miscalled and messages. He had miscalled me fifteen times and texted more than that. “I didn’t know I’d been here for that long.” I checked my phone and saw that I’d been there for nearly four hours. “It’s okay, B
The driver opened the car door for me, and I quickly stepped out. Keeping my head down, I thanked him and rushed to my door. I was so ashamed of myself. I went to open my front door and locked it behind me, not wanting Damian to follow me. I threw myself on my bed and sobbed into my pillow. I knew it wasn’t fair to want Damian not to have anyone else for five years. I had Cole, but to be just another one of his conquests hurt. I felt cheap. His driver must be laughing inside at me. “What the hell is wrong with you?” Damian yanked me upright, so I looked at him. He was furious at me. I had forgotten that he had a key to my place. “If you can ask me that question, then there is something wrong with YOU, not me.” I tried to stand up and get away from him, but his hold on my arm was too strong. I couldn’t get away from him. “Me? You were the one who went all cold out of a sudden,” he sna
The next day was when we were to go to Bali. Damian had booked us a night flight so we could go see little Rai before we went to Bali. I was busy making sure that everything was in order. I checked and replied to all my e-mails, and I called Rai’s mom to check what else little Rai needed and prepared them. I called my mom to tell her that I was going to Bali today and asked her to tell the maid to come to my place once every two days to clean it up. My mom and sister were going on tours across the US and Europe for the next three months. She was going to meet me in Bali after that if I was still there. I used to be close to my mom until I was diagnosed with bipolar. At first, she was always there for me, but as the years passed, she didn’t seem to know how to handle me. She kept trying to convince me that she was always there for me, but whenever I opened myself to her, she would judge me or tell me she was in no mood to listen to my pro