Fifty

CHAPTER 50

SANTIAGO

Regrets and hate—The funny fact about the two was that they felt so much different logically not deep down, when it came down to how destructive they could be, they were totally similar.

The bad thing was I was thrown right into the middle of these two.

Imagine being right in the middle of the storm and a red horned devil.

At this moment I was mostly confused, I hated that screaming voice in my head reminding my heart of how darkish it was.

Darkness looms and it was a different type of darkness as I felt it deep in my soul, for a minute I wondered if it was all in my head.

Perhaps, my mind was trying to play a trick on me and make me scared. I clicked on the radio as fire and brimstone played on.

It was quite windy outside, the clouds were dark like it was night.

"That is weird." I muttered to myself as the radio started cracking, I tried switching between channels but got the same result, groaning to myself I gave up.

For the first time in two days and for no reason mind felt blank and void—

It created an atmosphere I was so much aware of to the extent that an intuition played heavily on the back of my mind, as it did it sent a wave of uncertainty through me filling it up with that itching want that was demanding to be made fact, but was definitely beyond control.

Still in that confused state, my phone chimed.

It was a text from Martha, she was expressing her worries and apologizing for earlier asking that I return to the motel.

Underneath the whole text was one telling me that the meeting had been rescheduled for the weekend.

I groaned at the thought of spending two more days with her. If I had the chance I would most probably be taking the next flight back home.

I had always thought to myself that I never hated a thing in my life, yet at that moment I could easily sayI presented myself.

If I had a gun right now I would most probably have shot myself in the head for acting so stupid.

That was all that was needed, a bullet in my goddamn head like I deserved, but making the same mistakes over and over again.

In a way, I still felt wobbly from the drink I was having and it kind of made the road blurry. Between my crazy mind and being drunk I tried to drive cautiously as I headed back.

I could feel my chest tightened, each breath a burn in my lungs that looked like it might rip it apart any moment.

I tried reaching for the pack of cigarettes in my console, instead I pulled out a bracelet, it was definitely her's, only heaven knew how long it had been there.

Before I could think right or stop myself, I took the bracelet closer to my nose to sniff.

I shut my eyes and inhaled deeply—

"Why?" I muttered to myself. "Why am I feeling this way, after so long."

A month should be enough to heal, yet it seemed like that might probably never happen.

Perhaps, I was scared of her forever. I was fated to seek after her in my mind even if it was obvious that I might never have her to myself.

I took the bracelet for another sniff — This time I drew in every bit of air I could till I could feel my lungs burning.

Why did you leave Glenn?

That was probably a question that would remain unsolved as we both lived.

It still had her scent, and up till that minute, I was not aware of how much the scent looked to consume me.

I took a deep breath and shook my head. I was definitely knocked out In the head —

I was giving out that psychopathic vibe.

Then it occured to me, perhaps all this I was feeling for myself wasn't hate, hating myself would definitely be me murdering my soul, it would change the entire way I looked at myself and make me reckless, while it slowly fed on its host—Myself.

I could be many things. A Cheat. A liar. A coward, but there was that one thing I would never let myself be, a murderer.

With the gate consuming me from deep within, I had to make a promise to myself that I wouldn't let it get to me.

I never let myself hate because I loved to live, the sudden urge not to hate felt like magic upon my mind.

Slowly, I was starting to feel those dark and desolate sides a bit brighter.

It was like I was walking right out of the gates of hell, and it was a good thing I wasn't utterly consumed, not for long.

Hardly had this thought filled my mind when my phone started to buzz again.

Martha… I groaned heavily, perhaps I hated something after all. Two things. The fact I had sex with her and the repercussions I would have to face.

I picked the call this time.

"Santi —" her voice sounded from the other end.

"Where are you, I am so sorry… "

"It is fine, I am on my way home."

" Are you sure? " She asked.

" Yeah. " I sighed. " Just twenty minutes away."

The more I spoke with her over the phone, the more I saw how trapped I was—

The thought left a feeling of anger that fucking burned, more like I was being stabbed over and over again or she was giving out a dose of poison that was tearing at me from inside out and I couldn't refuse.

The car ran into a pit hole, as did the bracelet that was right there in the console fell to the ground. There was this strange feeling while lifting my head back up at quite a slow pace that all this had happened before.

The sound from a lorry blares and unsettled me in the process, I swirled to the left and was met with a more severe fate as the brakes of the car wouldn't work.

Was this death?