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Auto Pilot
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2025-03-30 05:05:52**Rebecca’s Point of view***
Some how it was Monday morning; after spending my days being Jess and Mike’s therapist and safe place. And my nights drinking copious amounts of tequila while taking long showers to hide my uncontrollable anger and sorrow. I look horrible, my head was pounding and I was dehydrated. “God I’m glad I planned ahead” I though to myself as I grabbed the electrolyte water and Tylenol I had put beside my bed. Damien and Veronica had stopped by both days, they’ve been my support. Damien being my first born and my only true protector in life. He and I were a team, when he was just a toddler he had stood between his father and I. “Don’t you hit my Mommy!” His little voice screamed as his body shook with the force he was projecting. As my memories are flooding my brain my eyes are starting to swell and my breathing is ragged, I’m doing my best to not cry aloud. It was during this time that Sam became my best friend, when I first filed for divorce he made sure I ate and cared for my basic needs so I could be there for Damien. When I needed a sitter while at work he talked with his boss to have our days of opposite so I would only have to pay for 3 days of daycare. And now, my beloved Sam was running off with his boss from the grocery store… fu€king Luigi! I drug myself from my cocoon of wallowing heartbreak, walking to the bathroom of our 3 bedroom apartment. I normally left the door unlocked so Sam or the kids could use the restroom while I showered, but I needed my space and boundaries. I slid the lock across and pulled off the T-Shirt that was Sam’s in the hamper, “I’m pathetic, I want to smell the man who just crushed my world?!” I scoff out loud while looking at myself in the mirror. After 3 c-sections my belly was saggy and soft, I nursed my last 2 with baby led weaning so my EE breasts hung in an unattractive manner. No wonder Sam didn’t find me attractive, I was a shell of the woman I was over 20 yrs ago. I wanted to break the mirror, but chose to get in the scolding shower to shock my system. No matter what I needed to get my shit together for Jess and Mike, I know the mistakes I made when Damien’s father and I divorced and I refuse to do the same. As I showered I gave myself a pep talk “Ok Beck you’ve got this, we do the same thing every morning and have for the past 17 months”. Morning have always been the 3 of us since we moved to the city, so auto pilot will be on. Normally at this time Sam and I would be watching the morning news while I got dressed. These past few months I had really been working on self love and had gotten dressed in front of Sam… maybe that’s why he finally left, “I’ll never let another man see me naked again” I vowed to myself. The rest of the morning was a blur, dropped the kids off at the high school and off to work in downtown Boston. I’d had a unique opportunity to develop my position and I had morphed what started as a secretarial position into a part of learning and development. I closed by office door, shot off an email to HR that I needed a few days without colleague interaction and pulled up the latest reporting of growth and client satisfaction. I put my earbuds in and turned on my upbeat fem power music. At work I was a true leader, unlike most people who sat on my floor I could still do even the basic positions and trained regularly with my colleagues. I was rarely in my office and when I was my door was always open unless I was in a meeting. I made a mental not to put my in a meeting sign on my door when I got up. As my reports loaded I got lost in analyzing the data and my music so I didn’t hear the knocks on my door. I was startled by my boss Lena bursting through the door. “Ok Beck, what is going on?!” Lena asked with concern. “I knew I should have put my sign up” I mumbled to myself. Lena grabbed my sign off my desk, slapped it on the door, and closed it with her still in my office. “Rebecca Mar…” “Are you mom’ing me Lena?!” I scoffed and let out a sigh. I turned to look out my 7th floor window, staring out pondering the last 20 years. “Beck” Lena spoke gently “I’ve known you for years, long before all of this. You are not ok, yes I’m your boss but I was your friend before that.” I felt Lena’s hand on my shoulder and couldn’t stop by body from shaking as I sobbed. “Sam left me, it’s over… he’s in love with his old boss” I managed to squeeze out through the anguish and heartbreak. “Are you fu€king kidding me Beck?! He left you for Luigi?” Lena exclaimed, she hugged me from the side and held me while I cried. “Listen I’m requiring you to attend a week long conference” we’re the words that broke the silence. “Lena did you even hear what I just said?!” I said with shock and anger, I was in no mood to be my fierce leader self especially at a conference where we’d be presenting. Lena interrupted my thoughts… “You’re going on a week long conference on a private island in Croatia” she started “where you will cry until you can no longer cry, as your boss I’m sending you to a solo conference. I will arrange with Damien taking care of Mike and Jess, but let’s face it their teens and you baby them. If you stay here you will be stuck in auto pilot and you won’t give yourself the time and space to greave. I know you Beck and I know you will put everyone else’s needs 1st. Plus I already spoke with HR and you board the plane tonight.”
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**Rebecca’s Point of view*** Some how it was Monday morning; after spending my days being Jess and Mike’s therapist and safe place. And my nights drinking copious amounts of tequila while taking long showers to hide my uncontrollable anger and sorrow. I look horrible, my head was pounding and I was dehydrated. “God I’m glad I planned ahead” I though to myself as I grabbed the electrolyte water and Tylenol I had put beside my bed. Damien and Veronica had stopped by both days, they’ve been my support. Damien being my first born and my only true protector in life. He and I were a team, when he was just a toddler he had stood between his father and I. “Don’t you hit my Mommy!” His little voice screamed as his body shook with the force he was projecting. As my memories are flooding my brain my eyes are starting to swell and my breathing is ragged, I’m doing my best to not cry aloud. It was during this time that Sam became my best friend, when I first filed for divorce he made sure I a
