Chapter 9 | Pining for Her

 Marcus's POV

    I am not sure what exactly happened. Ever since I set my eyes on Allena, I feel bewitched. I have seen women that are far prettier and well endowed than her. Any man would find my girlfriend, Laelia, irresistible. I had no doubts about how much I loved her and felt dedicated to her. And yet, my faith in love and loyalty seemed to be shaken now. I couldn't put thoughts of Allena away from my mind. And I couldn't put a finger on what's causing these irrepressible feelings.

    I felt thunderstruck when I saw Allena. I tried to hide the waves of emotions I experienced, tried to put up a fake disinterested facade, but it was impossible to look away from her. It baffled me at how her eyes could penetrate through my soul. I never ran into anyone until then who could cause such strong ripples inside me. 

    I was disappointed when I realized that the feelings were not mutual. She had a blank expression on that beautiful face when she looked at me. She hesitated to answer when my mother asked her opinion about me. Anger and jealousy took over when I realized that she was still smitten by that shitfaced Neill. I wanted to smash his skull open with my bare hands and claim her to be mine.

    When I was leaving with the procession the day before to meet her, I was hoping that she was still fooling around with him. I wanted nothing to do with her except for going through the rituals to make the engagement official. I found exactly what I hoped for, it broke my heart just the same. When she was staring at Neill, I wanted to shake her really hard to make her realize that she can't belong to anyone else except me. 

    That moment when our hands met and were tied by the druid, it caused sparks to shoot out all over my body. I did not want to leave her hand, ever! I wouldn't have minded sitting through the entire feast holding them in mine. It miffed me greatly that her culture didn't involve kissing during the ceremony. I wanted to taste her lips; I wasn't even allowed to touch her cheeks. 

    This burning desire to lock her into my tight embrace was causing me physical pain. It was unbelievably hard to sit next to her for over an hour, trying not to touch her, not to look at her. My heart skipped a beat every time I felt her eyes on me during the feast.

    She took me by surprise when she held my hand to stop me from leaving her side. At that moment, I wanted to kiss her until I couldn't breathe, and then kiss her some more. I couldn't focus on what she was asking me about. But her words struck me when she talked about not touching her. I felt hurt and angry; I wanted her to suffer my pain. My ego got the better of me, and I instantly regretted my words. The look of rejection on her face scarred me. Words could never explain the torture I felt when she walked away from me, and I couldn't stop her and console her, couldn't take her into my arms. 

    After spending a sleepless night under the stars, I wanted to get out of her village as soon as possible. I panicked the morning after when I felt the gravity of the situation. I needed a spell to thwart this spell from consuming me. The thoughts of another woman that was not Laelia should feel sinful, but they did not. 

    Roman marriages usually didn't flower from love, they were rather business agreements where people often put aside their feelings for their lovers and got married to strangers. I never wanted to part from Laelia. Being the legion commander at a young age, and ranking higher than my older brothers in the army, I was too good for my own good. I knew this day would come when my family was going to force me to wed someone that was not her. Laelia was a plebeian by social rank, not a patrician like me. My entire family revolted against my relationship with her.

    Knowing very well that I can't please everybody, I got married to her secretly, with the consent of the Gods. Our union is as pure and sacred as it can be. I promised Laelia that it was going to be a sexless marriage with Allena. I was prepared to clarify that to Allena. I never imagined it to be this difficult to push a forced marriage away to keep my loved one closer. I was feeling terribly conflicted. I already knew what my heart desired; it wanted to burn like a moth in the fire. It wanted to give up sacred promises and stoop down to indulge in its cravings. It was pining for Allena, not Laelia.

    Technically, I should be missing Laelia when I left her behind to visit Allena. But it was the thought of leaving Allena's side for the next one week that was killing me. When I encountered her in the woods, all I could think of was to grab her and take her away with me on my horse. She had tears in her eyes when I saw her. She was probably crying her lungs out telling those girls how much she was going to miss Neill. 

    I could not muster the courage to see her face when departing. I had to lie to our families that she was not going to see us off. And now, I can't rest until I see her again. I was in a daze during my trip to the fortress. Her tearful eyes, saddened face, and flashes of the moment when our hands touched, this was all I could think about for nine full days. Every minute spent away from her since that day was more painful than a thousand knife wounds.

    Only the thought of seeing her again today gave me some respite. I couldn't focus on the wedding arrangements or the lovely face of Laelia. I hated myself for playing with Laelia's feelings. I hated to see her feel insecure. I had to stay away from Allena, and yet, I walked to the stables to get Sica, my horse, to go see her. 

    This was madness! Waiting for her in the June sun for more than an hour outside the fortress, what was I going to tell her if she asks me why I was there? She will probably not ask me anything of that sort. She may not even want to talk to me. I don't expect her to come running into my arms after what I did to her.

    As I paced back and forth impatiently, I heard their horses. My heart thumped erratically and I couldn't wait by the fortress anymore. I galloped towards them until I saw their horses emerge out of the dust and appear closer. I paused to take in the sight of her hips swinging in tandem with her horse. She was messing with her brother, Devin, by cutting him off. One look at those eyes that were looking back at me in surprise, and I came undone.

    I forced my gaze away from her. I got off my horse to greet her parents. I shook hands with her brothers, her uncles, her cousins. Her sister, Iona, greeted me cheerfully and nudged at Allena. But Allena didn't say a word; she didn't move from her place after getting down her horse. I couldn't stop myself from walking towards her. My eyes didn't want to break contact with her eyes. Pieces of her wavy hair brushed against her cheeks, and a few settled on her lips. I wanted to trace my fingers all over her face where the hair had touched her. I almost let out a moan when I saw her lips part as she realized that I was looking at them hungrily. My hand reached out to touch those bits of hair, but she pushed them off of her face when she saw my hand approaching.

    "I am sorry for what I said last time," I said to her softly. 

    I couldn't think of anything else to say. She gave me a reprimanding look and said nothing. Her eyeliner looked slightly smudged, and her eyes looked puffy. My heart clenched at the thought of her crying. I felt an intense urge to pull her close to my chest. I had to turn away before I embarrassed myself, or the worst, be pushed away by her with disgust. 

    Devin whistled, interrupting my thoughts. 

    "Looks like you two got quite the hots for each other," he teased his sister.     

    I have to restrain myself. If I couldn't keep my hands to myself in front of her entire family, I wondered what I was going to do to her when she was left alone at my mercy. At the thought of doing things to her, I felt something inside of me awaken. 

    I didn't like how powerless I felt about her. This was a mistake, to rush to see her. I should have met her later at the dinner table and ignored her. I have to ignore her unless I want to get sucked into these emotions with the point of no return. She is doing her part darn well; she is able to resist me and even be mad at me. I felt mad at her too, for causing me to go crazy like this about her.       

    "Will you give me and my sister a tour of the fortress, Marcus?" Iona asked.

    "I can't. I will ask Laelia to show you around."

    Laelia had been spitting venom for the past two weeks. I won't be able to stay away from Allena for too long. Sooner or later, I was going to devour her. I need Laelia's help to push her away. I was such a weakling.

    "Did we meet her last time?" Iona asked.

    "No, she wasn't there. Allena knows about her though." 

    "I am tired, and I am not interested in touring with Laelia," Allena snapped at me. 

    I was about to walk away before we entered the fortress. The gatekeepers and stable boys took care of their luggage and horses. 

    "Marcus, do you have a minute?" Allena was walking towards me.

    "No, I don't. I already told your sister. I am busy." 

    My family was going to come outside to meet the guests any minute now. I did not want to give false hope to my mother about falling for Allena.

    Allena grabbed my arm and tried to forcefully stop me from walking away saying, "I HAVE to talk to you!"

    She probably weighs half as much as me, but she thinks she can stop me. Her eyes widened as she lost her balance and placed her palms on my chest for support. It took me all my willpower to stop myself from holding her, to bite her lips mercilessly for acting so indifferent toward me. This woman is a walking temptation!

    "Did you lose your tongue? I am waiting," I grunted. 

    I have to get away from her. Maybe she felt the same way as I did. She quickly took a few steps back and ran away to join her family. 

    I am an idiot. I want to know what she has to talk to me about. After waiting for her for days, I managed to piss her off and coldly pushed her away. I might have to wait until dinner to see her again. I sensed a feeling of deep contentment when I realized that she was finally here, safe, and under my protection. I was worried about her traveling through rough and sometimes dangerous terrains.

    I have always cared for and protected Laelia, but I never worried about her the way I did about Allena. I felt like she would be taken away from me if I didn't hold her tight enough.

    The feeling of losing her didn't just feel uncomfortable.

     It felt like death.